DIY gift registry and wording of said registry - help!
September 7, 2014 12:25 AM Subscribe
So I'm getting hitched in a couple months, and we haven't communicated anything about gifts yet, because it feels weird asking for stuff, but many people have been asking the question (I know I have for other people's weddings). Help me navigate through some wedding etiquette!
Here's the deal. We don't need stuff (I'm an independent woman, I can get my own diamond ring/Vitamix etc). But a friend suggested we pick 3 things that people could contribute to if they want to do this gift thing. We thought of the following:
1. We're going to re-upholster a loved old piece of furniture as a sort of memento, something from the past, rejigged with new (it's symbolic!!)
2. A digital point and shoot camera to take pics of the baby we're expecting.
3. A honeymoon fund.
4. and an option to donate to a few chosen charities instead.
I have an Asian background - so getting cash gifts in a red envelope is kind of my bag, but I understand some folks might find it weird. The Asian guest contingent will be fine with it, everyone else though? Please weigh in. Our community appears to be cool with it, but I'm not sure about the older folk. Does the above list seem reasonable?
Onto the 2nd part of the question: assuming the above is okay, how should we administer this? I've been recommended Honeyfund (the name repels me a little) and after some research it seems that all these services out there charge 7% or surcharges for credit card transactions. Can I set this up myself using Paypal or Bank transfer or would that look a bit tacky/gauche?
Supplemental part of the question: we don't want to make all this gift giving about $$$, obviously - it's come up for practical reasons. We have friends who are creative talents and nothing would please me more than to get a few handmade artwork or objects we can place at home. How can I word that as an option without coming across like we're expecting a pile of handmade stuff (we're not! I just think it would be nice if it happened from a few people). On the flipside, we don't want to come across like we don't want people to do thoughtful/heartfelt gifts and that we just want money (we don't, weddings are so awkward, we just wanted to throw a great party with people we love, argh)
THANK YOU ALL.
Here's the deal. We don't need stuff (I'm an independent woman, I can get my own diamond ring/Vitamix etc). But a friend suggested we pick 3 things that people could contribute to if they want to do this gift thing. We thought of the following:
1. We're going to re-upholster a loved old piece of furniture as a sort of memento, something from the past, rejigged with new (it's symbolic!!)
2. A digital point and shoot camera to take pics of the baby we're expecting.
3. A honeymoon fund.
4. and an option to donate to a few chosen charities instead.
I have an Asian background - so getting cash gifts in a red envelope is kind of my bag, but I understand some folks might find it weird. The Asian guest contingent will be fine with it, everyone else though? Please weigh in. Our community appears to be cool with it, but I'm not sure about the older folk. Does the above list seem reasonable?
Onto the 2nd part of the question: assuming the above is okay, how should we administer this? I've been recommended Honeyfund (the name repels me a little) and after some research it seems that all these services out there charge 7% or surcharges for credit card transactions. Can I set this up myself using Paypal or Bank transfer or would that look a bit tacky/gauche?
Supplemental part of the question: we don't want to make all this gift giving about $$$, obviously - it's come up for practical reasons. We have friends who are creative talents and nothing would please me more than to get a few handmade artwork or objects we can place at home. How can I word that as an option without coming across like we're expecting a pile of handmade stuff (we're not! I just think it would be nice if it happened from a few people). On the flipside, we don't want to come across like we don't want people to do thoughtful/heartfelt gifts and that we just want money (we don't, weddings are so awkward, we just wanted to throw a great party with people we love, argh)
THANK YOU ALL.
If I were you, I'd just say nothing and let people give cash if they want to. Clearly, your Asian guests will anyway - which is good, right? - and probably plenty of other people will.
I don't like honeymoon funds as gift suggestions at all; I think they're tacky. That's just a personal thing. I know many people feel the same (and, of course, many don't).
posted by Salamander at 2:25 AM on September 7, 2014 [3 favorites]
I don't like honeymoon funds as gift suggestions at all; I think they're tacky. That's just a personal thing. I know many people feel the same (and, of course, many don't).
posted by Salamander at 2:25 AM on September 7, 2014 [3 favorites]
Yeah...YMMV, I always just give cash at weddings - but I would be offended being asked to pool my money with other guests so we could pay for your honeymoon/camera/furniture. There really isn't a polite way to ask for money as a gift. Or gifts in general.
posted by Suffocating Kitty at 3:31 AM on September 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by Suffocating Kitty at 3:31 AM on September 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
The most you can do without crossing over into crass money grabbing territory is set up a registry (which of course you or your representative (bridesmaid, family member, etc) only send people to if they specifically ask if there's a registry). And if one of your creative friend specifically asks about giving a handmade gift, you can say you'd love that. That's it. Beyond that, you're fishing for gifts and that is super tacky. (I guess if you really want to fund your honeymoon, you can return what you get for the cash.)
I buy from the registry always and I would not give cash (unless tradition required it) or donate to a cause or charity (though I might change that depending on circumstance and my feelings about what the donation was going to support).
posted by GoLikeHellMachine at 3:45 AM on September 7, 2014
I buy from the registry always and I would not give cash (unless tradition required it) or donate to a cause or charity (though I might change that depending on circumstance and my feelings about what the donation was going to support).
posted by GoLikeHellMachine at 3:45 AM on September 7, 2014
Best answer: I think it would be a nice gesture to have a registry for people who really want to give you a gift, and then you can let your wedding party/family members put it about that you would like contributions to a honeymoon fund or charity contributions. As someone with mixed feelings about the giving cash thing, I would find the list of things you can pay for kind of a turn-off. I can see where it might be nice for people giving cash to be able to contribute to a tangible object but then, tangible objects can be on your registry for those people. If you are asking for cash, I'd say keep it as simple and straightforward as you can. Set up a paypal labeled honeymoon fund and call it good.
Big congratulations on the baby, by the way! And I second what lollusc said about the digital camera.
posted by BibiRose at 5:24 AM on September 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
Big congratulations on the baby, by the way! And I second what lollusc said about the digital camera.
posted by BibiRose at 5:24 AM on September 7, 2014 [1 favorite]
We just didn't mention gifts at all when we got married (we didn't have a registry); when people asked about gifts we just said that if they really wanted to get us something then whatever they chose would be perfect. The people who knew us well got us lovely thoughtful things and the people who didn't gave us cash. Is that an option for you?
posted by raspberry-ripple at 6:23 AM on September 7, 2014
posted by raspberry-ripple at 6:23 AM on September 7, 2014
When I find out a couple doesn't have a gift registry, I assume they'd prefer to get cash. I think that's the way to go here.
posted by msbubbaclees at 7:13 AM on September 7, 2014
posted by msbubbaclees at 7:13 AM on September 7, 2014
A SoKind registry might work for you -- there are options for requesting homemade/cash/services/secondhand gifts, instead of the usual registry stuff. (I don't know about fees, but I've found it a little less gift-grabby feeling when friends have used it. YMMV.)
posted by teditrix at 8:41 AM on September 7, 2014
posted by teditrix at 8:41 AM on September 7, 2014
I've done a DIY (but not very pretty) gift registry by setting up the list of items as a Google spreadsheet and having all the relevant people invited to edit it. The ownership of the document can be by a bridesmaid so that you are not managing it. The purpose is for people to be able to note in the spreadsheet if they are planning to help you with getting something specific that you want, so that you wouldn't get multiple digital cameras. However, with such a short list of items, I think having the maid-of-honor/bridesmaid just manage communications with people about gifts and ask them to contact her directly if planning to get you a digital camera or sponsor your furniture upholstering or whatever would probably be fine and more user-friendly for people are don't use the Google cloud apps.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 2:07 PM on September 7, 2014
posted by treehorn+bunny at 2:07 PM on September 7, 2014
Response by poster: Yeah I don't have a bridesmaid, there's no bridal party, we're being pretty DIY and low key about it and yet this wedding etiquette stuff is still slaying me.
We really tried not to say anything about gifts but everyone was asking and we very seriously don't need anything (not into Stuff, and we just purged a whole lotta Stuff as we're moving house)
Thank you lollusc, I think we need to think up more of those sorts of things.
Ok, good thoughts, I think we will go with an online registry and reconsider the list. Blerg.
posted by scuza at 7:15 PM on September 7, 2014
We really tried not to say anything about gifts but everyone was asking and we very seriously don't need anything (not into Stuff, and we just purged a whole lotta Stuff as we're moving house)
Thank you lollusc, I think we need to think up more of those sorts of things.
Ok, good thoughts, I think we will go with an online registry and reconsider the list. Blerg.
posted by scuza at 7:15 PM on September 7, 2014
Response by poster: I just re-read my question and I hope it doesn't sound like we just want money. We really and truly don't. We just don't need STUFF, or indeed, anything. But culturally I'm used to giving cash but in no way expect it, but am otherwise stuck for what to put in this theoretical registry.
posted by scuza at 10:06 PM on September 7, 2014
posted by scuza at 10:06 PM on September 7, 2014
This thread is closed to new comments.
One warning, though: we used all the cash we got for our wedding on a top of the line (then) digital camera. Four year later it was laughably out of date. It makes me sad now that we didn't spend it on something like furniture or artwork that we could enjoy for the rest of our lives. I love your upholstered furniture idea, by the way!
posted by lollusc at 2:04 AM on September 7, 2014