How to not be needy while still having needs
June 14, 2014 12:36 PM Subscribe
How do I let my friend know that her lack of communication is hurting my feelings, without sounding needy or desperate?
posted by pintapicasso to Human Relations (10 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
I recently (2 months ago) moved four hours away from my home to a new city. I am living with a sibling here and we get along great; our relationship is stronger than it's ever been. I found a job i enjoy and I love the city itself. I'm trying to keep myself busy in my free time. However, I'm finding it difficult to meet people, which I think think is normal in this situation.
My sibling is being fantastic about inviting me to do things with her and her friends. I'm having a lot of fun with them and I really appreciate the effort she's making. However, one of my closest friends also lives in this city. I have known her for almost 10 years, lived with her for five, and since she moved away five years ago we have kept in good communication and seen each other multiple times a year.
The problem is that I feel like now she is avoiding me. When I first moved here and was jobless she didn't call me for almost a week (I called her a couple of days in). We live about five minutes apart by drive and now we work opposite shifts. She has only called me or texted me a handful of times to do things, and does not always return my calls (I've only contacted her 2-3x/week). We finally made plans to hang out two weekends ago and by 10 o'clock at night when I did not hear from her I texted her and an hour or so later she texted back saying that she had been at a friends for dinner and was too tired. I was annoyed and asked her next time to text me earlier and she said sorry.
I did not hear from her for 10 days, and then she called to say hello and that she hopes we can see each other soon. I called her back, and left a message. That was two days ago. I called her today and did not leave a message.
I feel very confused about this. She is one of my closest friends and I miss the companionship of somebody who I know very well and who knows me. I also was hoping to get to know her friends and the time that I have spent with them was super fun and we all had a great time. We have never had friendship problems in the past. I know that she is very busy and volunteers and has a lot of friends. But she seems yo hang out with people a lot so I'm not sure why she is not including me.
I'm not sure how much further to take this before I give up. If this hasn't had happened in my old city I would have either said something to her a couple weeks ago or I would have stopped trying to hang out. However I feel like I am extra sensitive and treating this friendship with kid gloves because I know so few people here. As illustrated in previous questions I have a fear of rejection and some social anxiety.
Should I say something to her? If so what? I can't get ahold of her so it would probably be a phone message. Or, should I just let it go and let the friendship grow apart?