Yeah, so the real reason I didn't come to your party....
June 8, 2014 1:04 AM Subscribe
Do I tell a good friend that I've been avoiding him because my husband's jealous of the friendship? Gory details and backstory inside.
posted by Gwendoline Mary to Human Relations (26 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
I have (or possibly had) a good friend, we'll call him "George". George and I met through work a little over three years ago and we clicked straight away. Our friendship was strengthened after we went through a torrid time at work together. After I left the company, we regularly caught up for lunch. George became one of those tell-anything-to-trust-with-my-life friends.
Most of my friendship with George was/is work-or-lunch based. We live at opposite ends of a big city so we didn't regularly socialise on weekends. Still, George and his fiancee invited my husband and I to dinner many times. As well, I tried to include my husband in things I did with George (for example, going for a beer after work). My husband was often reluctant to socialise with George. He would make excuses to not come to things, saying "you go ahead, I'll see you at home". When I broke my ankle and George and his fiancee offered to bring around dinner and DVDs, my husband made quite plain (to me) that he wasn't comfortable with that, so I turned the offer down.
George and his fiancee invited us to his wedding. When the invitation arrived, my husband hemmed and hawed and wouldn't give a straight answer about going. I went ahead and RSVP'd anyway, figuring that of course I'd want to go to the wedding of one of my closest friends. Three weeks before the wedding when I pressed my husband about going, he exploded. He accused me of having a friendship that was "something deeper" (he wouldn't say "affair" but I know that's what he meant), he referred to George as "that prick" and "that c*nt", and made quite clear that he didn't want anything to do with George and didn''t want me to either. I tried pointing out that I have lot of male friends ("no that's different, you're different with George") and that George had tried to extend the friendship to my husband as well. Not to mention that he'd hardly invite me to his wedding if he we were having an affair.
Attempting to save the relationship*, I said I wouldn't go to the wedding. I rang George, told him that my husband and I had a fight (but not what about) and that I wouldn't come. George was very understanding. He and his wife sent a nice note after the wedding thanking me for the gift I got them and saying how much they missed me on the day.
Since then, I've seen George a few times for lunch, without telling my husband. I've turned down invitations from him and his wife for parties, dinners and other social gatherings. I feel rotten for doing this to such a good friend and I miss the friendship so much. If I mention George's name my husband withdraws and changes the subject.
My question if you've read this far: should I tell George that the reason I've been flaking out on the friendship is that my husband is jealous of him and is convinced there's an affair going on? Or is that too much information, and I should just accept that the friendship isn't going to be as deep as it has been?
*To be quite clear, our marriage has been in trouble for some time, for a lot of other reasons, and DTMFA is a possibility in the near future. I'm seeking advice today about how to deal with George, not my husband.