Am I depressed or discontented with life in general?
March 26, 2014 12:01 PM Subscribe
Lengthy, but I would so appreciate helpful perspectives. For some time there have been certain 'unhappy' factors in my life that I have been able to manage - but almost a week ago something seemed to trigger crisis mode and I have felt very low and almost completely unable to shake the feeling since.
posted by Kat_Dubs to Human Relations (16 answers total) 9 users marked this as a favorite
To give you a brief background over the last four years: I am in my early 20s and met a great guy at uni during my first year there. I quickly fell in love with him (felt I had a connection with him that I haven't really shared to the same extent with most people) but he was involved in an accident and died suddenly. I was devastated but determined to finish my degree, although I no longer felt genuine enthusiasm for academia as I had before - I saw it as a necessity for getting jobs in the future and was determined to go travelling after I graduated (I have always had a bit of a travel bug). I wanted to travel and I thought if I could get through the next 2 years left of uni, I could go.
Around this time I met a guy who I was in a relationship with for 2 years. Things were good at first, but then old feelings started to creep back in and I had to go for a few months of counselling (trigger: boyfriend was in a decent band + touring and I seemed to have abandonment issues stemming back to past guy dying in an accident/permanently abandoning me). I felt better quite soon and felt a fog had been lifted.
But last year a few things happened. My grandad (who was more like a father figure) was diagnosed with cancer and around the same time I developed unexplained foot pain. This pain became more intense and started to disable my life - I could no longer go dancing with friends or if I did, would pay with agonising pain + inability to move the next day. I had countless hospital appointments, physio - you name it. It has not gone away & now I live with it daily. Within an hour of walking around shops at a normal pace I will be in bring-tears-to-your-eyes pain and have to sit. I feel like a pensioner.
So, this affected me and started to affect me relationship too. My boyfriend wasn't very supportive of - couldn't really cope with my inability to do an awful lot and combined with other facts we broke up. I had loved him a lot. A couple of months after this a close friend admitted to strong feelings for me + I was hesitant to enter into anything again so soon. But I was in a bad place, needing supported and he took my mind off things. We talked about what we wanted to do post-uni and it turns out, had both been making plans to go travelling to the same location! He suggested right then and there we go together and feeling oddly spontaneous I agreed.
But my grandad's illness prevented me from going anywhere and I got a job post-uni that I really enjoyed - amazingly my boyfriend said he would stay here in the country until that year was up. During these months my grandad got more ill, I helped care for him and he eventually passed away in December. I helped plan and attend the funeral and was back at work in a few days. Then I got promoted, but quickly found overwhelmed by the amount of things I had to do. We are currently understaffed and I feel a lot of pressure was being put on me as a result.
Despite the good work I have been doing lately, my boss had a real go at me and something snapped inside. I came home feeling hopeless and the feeling hasn't really shifted. I will sit and look at cover letters for potential new roles and while before I would easily be motivated to write a few in one day, I stare at it then shut the pc down while crying! I actually wanted to take a different career route and am drifting further and further away from it.
Furthermore, I snapped at my boyfriend last week and this led to him saying he isn't sure about the relationship anymore. He begrudges small things like, at the moment, we work over an hour away from each other + when he recently came to visit me he wanted to jump into bed together. Meanwhile I had to get food shopping and needed his help (because of foot injury) - he eventually said he wishes how things were when I was more 'carefree' when we first met. How can I be? Sometimes he is incredibly supportive and at other times clueless. And it hurt me very much to think he could so easily consider disposing of me.
Anyway I am thinking about going to see the doctor, but I'm not sure what to say. I'm not even exactly sure what is wrong. Yesterday, I basically had dinner then lay in bed unable to do anything for the rest of the evening. Today, I feel less bad but still tired and not very motivated. Thoughts? (if you can make any sense of this muddle!?)