Can you help me understand my break-up?
March 12, 2014 11:15 AM Subscribe
Can you help me understand the dynamics of my breakup?
posted by misspony to Human Relations (47 answers total) 7 users marked this as a favorite
I am 32 and was recently broken up with by my 46 year old boyfriend. I have moved to a foreign country to be with him, and suddenly not having him as my partner anymore is truly messing with my mind. I'm also in a financial limbo now that we are no longer together, so that is very stressful. He was quite controlling, and in the weeks leading up to our split he seemed to be extremely concerned with my weight and food.
As a person who has had a long history of an eating disorder it feels really really strange to have someone try and control me in that way, and part of me feels like if I could have managed to not gain any weight that he would have loved me. A few weeks before our break up he started complaining about me eating peanut butter, he also didn't like if I ate cream cheese, and he started commenting that my portions were too big, or my smoothies too big.
I find this so baffling because I have gained some weight- maybe 6 pounds... I am 5'4 and weigh between 115-122 pounds. My clothes still fit just fine. I look really good. I have a very nice body. I got mad at him and asked him to stop trying to control my food...
He was also controlling in other ways, he wanted my hair to be styled a certain way, for me to wear heels all the time. Everything had to be done his way, he wanted no sticky spots on the cutting board, for the toothpaste to always be up straight, so many things. He always wanted to go to his parents house for the weekend and would get mad at me if I preferred to spend the night at home, even though I tried to compromise and say I would spend the night every other weekend. And we were due to move to a farm (no animals) in the near future and he challenged ALL of my ideas about furniture. When I expressed concern that I would be isolated on the farm and unable to keep my job, he got really upset at me and said that I was "being negative" and then that he wouldn't have gotten upset if I had phrased it in a positive way. But I remember so clearly that I had said it calmly and neutrally, and I told him that partners need to be able to share their concerns with one another. I started to feel like everything was on his terms. He wouldn't communicate with me about his plans, and I always felt like I was dripfed information that normal adults living together would share naturally. But I thought that he might have aspergers and just didn't know what he was acting like. But part of me feels like there were elements of abuse.
My friends say that he just wants a cardboard girlfriend or a barbie doll that does whatever he says and that because I stood up for myself I was too much trouble for him.
I still miss him a lot and yesterday I just wept at the train station because I suddenly felt so abandoned...
Our final split was because I wanted him to get in touch when we were apart. I felt like he was asking sooooooo much of me, expecting me to do all the work, and I was angry that he wouldn't do the simple things that I needed. He decided that the fact that he didn't want to do those things meant that he didn't love me and he also felt the spark wasn't strong enough. I feel like he ruined the spark through completely going through every single one of my flaws with a magnifying glass and stripping me of a voice.
I'd like to understand the dynamic more so that I can really internalize that this is for the best and stop wishing that he would come back. I know that a lot of his behavior was WRONG. But I don't understand it. I don't understand why he would choose to sabotage me. How could he ever stay in love with me if he was super focused on everything that was wrong with me? Can you all share your wisdom with me? Personal anecdotes from anyone who has been through something similar? Can you explain why moving to an isolated farm with someone like that would have been devastating? And what is going on with a person who acts like this?
I realize this is poorly written! I'm just overwhelmed at the moment.