Developing feelings for a 'friend' - did I do bad?
March 11, 2014 3:48 PM Subscribe
I started a postgraduate course 3 months ago and there was a girl who stood out a fair bit. There were various issues that stopped me from considering dating her so I went down the friend route. She seemed interested in me at first - we ended up being alone together twice on nights out with others from the class, walking around London and the river, but I, not interested in any kind of intimacy, kept these meetings platonic. It's only recently that I've gotten myself together mentally, gotten to know her better and decided I like what I see - am I too late? What should I do to move from a new friendship back to that stage of 'initial attraction'?
posted by Henners91 to Human Relations (14 answers total)
When I started on my 3 month course (back at the end of January) this girl was there who was pretty cute. I was having a fling at the time that was dying down - I broke it off about two weeks in. In the meanwhile, the girl from my class and I had been chatting away on Facebook and we ended up going for a meal with others on Valentine's Day (the day I ended my fling) - I was pretty confused at the time as A. I'd just ended a short, but intimate association B. This girl, for all her merits, struck me at first impressions as pretty immature and self-centered: She had a tendency to talk about men who'd flirted with her on the Tube that day, or dates people had asked her on... it felt like she was trying to prove herself (my poor self-esteem alarm was going off).
Anyway, we ended up going out with others a fair amount and again, ended up alone and walking through London - like before, I kept to myself; pleasant company, I even opened up to her a little more than I would normally (I told her about a friend I lost earlier this year... maybe I got a bit too vulnerable when I admitted I don't have anyone to talk to anymore). But, despite a lot of touching on my part (and I mean the platonic friendly kind), namely taking her shoulder when I was making a point or something, we didn't do anything outside of what friends normally do.
Anyway, since then, I've taken her on other walks during the day and met with groups at bars and things. I think she might have lost any interest she had - she started telling me about a guy she liked back in America and asked for my advice, etc. (friend zone signs!) But over the time we spent together, I saw that she wasn't as immature as I thought - she's actually pretty deep, confident and intelligent.
I cleared out my own house and discovered these new feelings for her - I'd say I arrived at the 'I want to date this woman' phase last weekend.
Anyway - I keep trying to make plans with her but she's suddenly no longer available. I'd hoped just to get her alone again and say something along the lines of 'You know, I'd like to take you on a proper date.'
I'm really bad at expressing myself emotionally, even to those I'm close to - I'm quite bottled up. So I think anything along the lines of 'When we met I didn't know where I was emotionally, but now I'm cleared up and I've come to appreciate you more and more as a person' wouldn't quite get delivered as I'd like it.
But does anybody have some advice? I fear she sees me as a friend... I don't think that should deter me from making a move (I'd rather end a budding new friendship than suffer from not speaking my feelings) but it's hard to pin her down and I worry that she might have 'gotten over' her attraction for me, if it was there to begin with.
Thanks for the read/any help :)