I have a super high sex drive (female, 30) that I've been blessed/cursed with since puberty. My boyfriend is a fairly sexual person, but has a lower libido than I do (male, 41), and don't want to have sex as often as I do. I am having trouble not taking this personally.
I read this
question and found this comment explains pretty much how I am feeling, as the high-libido girlfriend in this situation:
"This problem destroyed my last long-term relationship. Admittedly, my interest waned to much less than twice a week. But I truly loved her, as well as liked her more than anyone I've been with. We were extremely good and compatible in terms of the friendly part of relationships. But she has a high sex drive. I don't think she'd have an upper limit on frequency, as long as the sex is good and she had time for it.
So, anyway, we were never able to resolve this problem. She fundamentally couldn't get beyond the idea that if I truly loved her, I'd want to have sex with her as often as she wanted. It was part of her whole sense of being valued as a romantic partner as well as being deeply involved in her sense of self-worth. It's not the core of how I see a romantic relationship, and so I was never able to really understand how much my lack of interest deeply unsettled her."
I definitely feel like I am have trouble fundamentally getting beyond the idea that if he truly loves me (as above), he'd want to bone my brains out constantly. We do have amazing sex.. 2-3 times a week. I could have sex 2-3 times a day, on an off day. I am so in love with him, and so attracted to him, that it's almost like I can't help but want to feel THAT close to him so often. All of our feelings are supposedly mutual (yay!) but this sexuality difference makes me doubt it at times, when I know I shouldn't be.
I would appreciate a different type of response than "unpack this with a therapist"; I went for a few years, and after analysis of formative and past relationships, I know exactly why I feel this way about sex in relationships. What I need help with is getting past that. I've been through Feeling Good and some other CBT work and have found it helpful, and try to exercise techniques when I find myself feeling put out or unloved. I'm trying really hard, and am willing to try harder; I don't want to have this be a thorn in what is otherwise a dream relationship. I know that he loves me, and I tell myself that I believe him, but when he's not "feeling it", I feel so incredibly put out. I've been very careful not to react poorly when I'm turned down, and take him at his word that he is tired (demanding physical job), or whatever else the reasoning might be. I'm trying SO hard to be understanding and know that it isn't personal, and he loves me for other reasons, but it's still hard to make myself believe it. He is extremely demonstrative, both verbally and physically. I feel so incredibly loved any other time. But after he goes to sleep on a no-sex night, I'll masturbate, and then get bummed because I wanted to connect with HIM, not my fingers.. then the voice in the back of my head starts up, and I end up feeling unwanted and sorry for myself, awake in bed. I want to silence that little voice for good. It makes me feel needy, bratty, greedy, ungrateful.. especially since I receive so much love and attention in other ways.
So, formally, I ask you guys: have you been in this situation? What did you do? Talk to your partner about it? I'm not ashamed to, and we communicate exceptionally well, but where and when to start? Have any CBT hacks for me? I've been undecided about bringing it up with him and making it A Thing, or just rolling with it.