No time is a good time
February 24, 2014 6:33 AM Subscribe
When should I suggest to my partner that he may have Aspergers?
posted by misspony to Human Relations (37 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
My partner is an incredible guy. Best partner so far. I am super super happy with him 80% of the time... which is ALMOST enough for me. But we have some major communication difficulties that lead to emotional stalemates... he has various characteristics that have hinted towards something like aspergers.
He has no relationships outside of his immediate family and myself. He is 46, if it matters. (although he deeply longs for having friends, but he tries to make friends by buying meals or entertaining- but he seems unable to make the deeper efforts, like remembering that someone has x going on, and asking about it later, or making sure that conversations are balanced... he lacks the wisdom to know that he's talked too much about himself and when to turn the convo back to the target friend) I tend to make the friends, bring him along, and strategically interject questions to the person we're chatting with- to keep the flow...
And other traits I notice are handflapping, and a very very strict list of dietary needs for various reasons. Some bizarre nighttime routines. He hates bright lights. He has a bizarre and strict routine and diet. He is also super smart and loves planes. Successful engineer.
I can handle ALL of that.
But the stuff with me hurts sometimes.
He has difficulty expressing emotional support if he is not feeling loving to me at that moment. So that is difficult when I have PMS once a month and also when he is travelling. In PMS case, I'm probably not that lovable... and when he is travelling I am out of sight and out of mind. It hurts. He acts like I'm the best thing since sliced bread, but then its like I don't exist when he is travelling or spending time with his son.
I've been able to manage it, I would go to a friends house in a different european city and then catch a 2 hour flight back... and things quickly get back to normal. But today. No.
He lacks the ability to put my situations into context. SO LIKE TODAY- I just got finished with an incredible whirlwind trip from Europe to Iceland to Denver to LA and from LA to Denver to Iceland to Home... 5 hour layover in denver... in 6 days. Huge suitcase. I am so tired. I caught a cold on day 2 in Denver... and he was nice about it in a couple instances.
Then he went off into the mountains for 3 days, so he wouldn't be available on the phone. COOL! fine. I got that. But he was due back in town the night before my return flight and he never contacted me.
I emailed him the night before I was to start my 21 hour journey back and I never got a response (he was a project manager for mobile phones, so its not like he wasn't on his phone, and he managed to post a ridiculous selfie on facebook... so he got online)... but nothing to me.
I got on the flight from LA to denver and was looking forward to hearing from him. I landed and nothing. By that time, I thought- he must be home, he must ring or text or email about how I am getting on and wish me a nice trip. And nothing.
I finally phoned and he had gone to bed. Some travel plans had been scuppered so he had to help someone book an early flight the next day, yadda yadda yadda...
I cried hot tears at Denver International and fumed from Denver to Iceland. When do I factor in?
He has no problem asking me to make changes so that I suit him better. But when I need to be contacted regularly when he's away he just says that he doesn't need to talk everyday and "its just not how he works" "he's not feeling it" "won't give reassurances when he is asked".... but this is from the most critical man on the planet. I get a display of disdain if my smoothie looks to big (even if its half water) or I've eaten foods he believes are bad- like peanut butter or cream cheese. I hate being nitpicked over tiny shit and he can't make a single effort to give me the social niceties that would make me feel so much better. .. I'm used to that crap from him but I've been okay with it... but on a 21 hour journey? I'm his sick girlfriend? Send a text. I never thought he could overlook me like that. When I am not in sight I am completely out of mind.
He won't inform me about changes of plans, or business trips. And I hate finding those tings out by surprise.
I very truly feel that he would be doing these things if it made sense to him, but I don't think it does. But when someone doesn't maintain contact with me then the last thing I want to do is see them for dinner and have sex. I need what I need to give what he needs. If someone has had the ability to speak to me and then for a day or 2 and they choose not to- then they (he) feels very distant and far away and I don't want to have dinner, watch tv, fuck-end of story.
But he is not getting that. At all.
But then the other 80% of our relationship is great... so I don't want to DTMFA.
But he has no manners and I strongly suspect aspergers. We are in counselling.... But when should I suggest that some of this stuff is Aspie.? Is it even worth it?