How do I find a travel companion?

October 18, 2005 10:33 AM

Ok, so this is potentially off-color, but I don't mean it to be. The premise: I am a late 20's male considering a week-long trip to someplace warm this winter, and would love to travel with someone...someone female ;-) Is there any way to do this without sounding like a perv? (I hope to preserve my non-perv MeFi cred via "more inside".)

Now, to my mind, it doesn't seem too crazy to use the mighty infoweb to find someone down for this. A week trip w/ a well-adjusted guy (moi) doesn't seem so far-fetched. I was thinking of using craigslist...

We'd meet a few times to verify sanity and non-perv factor and laydown groundrules, like each pays their own way. And then no hard feelings if either of us wants to go do our own thing once we are there and things get wonky.

This all seems reasonable, but then I flip it around and it looks very shady. Travel to a different country w/ someone you don't know? A guy no less? Yikes...

But if it came down to going w/ a guy, I'd rather just go solo...

So...am I crazy? What say you?

posted by cgs to travel & transportation (38 comments total)

I'm female, and I'm not sure I'd be willing to do this, but I could see advantages -- I'd be less likely to be harassed if I were traveling with a guy, for instance.

The Lonely Planet forums have a Travelling Companions thread that might be a good place to start, and to see what the general "industry standard" is for this sort of request, and to maybe eventually post a request. LP tends to attract semi-serious travelers, and I'd think you'd probably want someone who has traveled before and has enough of an independent streak that she's willing to say "This isn't working for me, see you in a few days."
posted by occhiblu at 10:39 AM on October 18, 2005

Try Craigslist, but beware of 'professionals' surfing those ads... you want some way to sift out come-ons from a load of girls who expect to be your paid companion quickly.
posted by methylsalicylate at 10:40 AM on October 18, 2005

I think that anyone you invited would want to know why you want to travel with a strange woman but wouldn't be interested in travelling with another man. Because if there are no romantic/sexual undertones, it's a little bit hard to understand the importance of that distinction.
posted by Marquis at 10:41 AM on October 18, 2005

Yes, I agree with Marquis. You're probably at least hoping something will happen between the two of you.

You could always just go on dating web sites, put an ad in the "dating and friendship" category, and outline what it is that you want. I have seen ads looking for companions for trips, concerts, ballroom dancing lessons, etc., so you won't come across as creepy.
posted by orange swan at 10:45 AM on October 18, 2005

You could try actually dating someone and then go on a trip. If you start now, by the time December or January rolls around plenty of time would have elapsed that a trip would not seem too forward in the relationship.
posted by Pollomacho at 10:50 AM on October 18, 2005

Yeah, just my 0.02, but as a woman, this sounds creepy. Perhaps because of the winky emoticon you used? I don't know. But here's how I see it: spending a trip of this sort getting to know a potential love interest is fine, but looking for a blind date for this kind of venture is weird. You seem to be going about it backwards.

Go meet a nice girl, and then think about planning a trip once you have an idea of how you get along. Planning the trip first, and then trying to find a nice girl to go with you puts the cart before the horse, so to speak. Unless you really just want a platonic traveling companion, in which case, why the creepy winky emoticon?
posted by Fenriss at 10:52 AM on October 18, 2005

I'm with Marquis and orange swan. Further to the swan's post: there are tons of ads on the personals where people say, "love to travel", "can't stay in one place too long", etc. It may be easier to broach this subject with one of them. In addition, run your own ad and state exactly what you want.
posted by dobbs at 10:53 AM on October 18, 2005

i guess that is the rub of it, marquis: i want there to be the possibility of something happening, w/o really vocalizing it.

thanks for the tip, orange swan....i think that's a good way to go...
posted by cgs at 10:53 AM on October 18, 2005

I guess I'm wondering, as would your potential companion, about your motivations. Are you looking for a romantic tryst? Sex? Just a good companion that happens to be female? Are there any unmentioned criteria such as looks, age, etc.?

(On preview, Marquis has already gotten to my point)
posted by justkevin at 10:54 AM on October 18, 2005

But if it came down to going w/ a guy, I'd rather just go solo...
Dude, go solo and you will meet many women. Use your smile for a date.
posted by thomcatspike at 10:57 AM on October 18, 2005

As a single woman, I'd go on a trip like this with either a) a platonic friend whom I knew I liked and could trust or b) someone I'd been dating and had known at least a month or two and could trust.

I don't think I'd go with someone I'd met only a few times. It would just be too risky. Women have to consider the safety factor in a way that men don't.
posted by orange swan at 10:59 AM on October 18, 2005

I feel the same way orange swan does. If I could mark it best answer, I would.

Going solo is a decent suggestion. There are lots of other tourists to meet.
posted by raedyn at 11:06 AM on October 18, 2005

re: creepy emoticon -> i meant that to be more an ironic wink and less a leer.
posted by cgs at 11:06 AM on October 18, 2005

re: creepy emoticon -> i meant that to be more an ironic wink and less a leer.

OK, fair enough. But the way I interpret that is as an indication of wanting to imply that your intentions are sexual with saying it outright. I think that's what I take issue with. Please don't go into this with a wink, wink, nudge, nudge, plausible deniability attitude. I can see how you might want to spare yourself (and her) embarrassment in the event that it doesn't "happen". But it's MHO that you'll be better off being entirely upfront about your hopes that it'll turn into a romantic occasion. I think potential traveling companions would find that much nicer than if it ended up being a "well, you agreed to come, didn't you know I wanted sex?" kind of thing.
posted by Fenriss at 11:23 AM on October 18, 2005

Murphy says: If you go to a foriegn country with a girl you're interested in, you will not be on speaking terms when you get back.

Murphy adds: If you go to a foriegn country alone, following the well-beaten path of every other Lonely Planet/Let's Go tourist (hanging out in the same bars, staying in the same "out of the way" hostels, etc.) you'll more than likely run into thousands of people from the country you're trying to get away from.

Half will be female. A good percentage of that half will be looking for a good time.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 11:25 AM on October 18, 2005

As a woman, I would maybe travel with someone I didn't know. But only if I knew it was going to be absolutely platonic.

If it was someone who found me attractive, and vice versa, I'd hope he'd sack up and ask me on a date prior to any travel plans being discussed.

And if it was someone I didn't find attractive, and I found out after we were already travelling that he had asked me because he hoped something would happen? I'd be off to travel on my own immediately, if not sooner.
posted by MsMolly at 11:27 AM on October 18, 2005

cgs has admitted wanting a romantic possibility, but I'm still surprised everyone hear made that assumption.

If someone told me that I had to travel around the world with a companion (and I wasn't allowed to take my wife), I would choose a woman over a man. I am faithful to my wife, and wouldn't want a romantic entanglement. But I'd still rather go with a women because I prefer the company of women to the company of men. (All things being equal: naturally, I'd take a nice guy over a horrible woman.)

I guess this is "sexist," but I can't help it. I just generally relate better to women than to men. At 40, I doubt this will change. I've been this way since I was a kid (most of my childhood friends were girls). My fear of being labelled as "sexist" or "a creep" might prevent me from making my preference known, but it IS my preference.
posted by grumblebee at 11:33 AM on October 18, 2005

I agree with you grumblebee and am in the same boat, however I also know that there are a whole slew of nuances that go along with inter gender relations. Seeming creepy and being creepy are one in the same when it comes to strangers.

On the flip side of all this. Are you really sure, cgs, that you want to travel with someone you just met? Wouldn't the woman (or any person) that immediately jumps at this be a little suspect when it comes to reality (as opposed to the fantasy)?
posted by Pollomacho at 11:39 AM on October 18, 2005

As a woman, *I* probably wouldn't travel with someone I just met (granted, I don't even like going shopping with someone I don't know very, very well, so traveling would be right out).

However, this really does boil down to the individuals involved--and sometimes works out frighteningly well, even better than expected. Case in point: old friend's mother earned a trip to Hawaii from her workplace for so many years' service and could not for the life of her find a traveling companion among her pool of friends. She ended up (quite a bit leery, mind you) going with a man she knew slightly from work. I think they've been married for seven or eight years now.
posted by dlugoczaj at 11:56 AM on October 18, 2005

CGS - It seems to me that you're lacking some self confidence. Perhaps that's why you want a traveling companion. Some observations -

1) There's nothing wrong with finding a female to go with you as a traveling companion, unless you find it to be wrong.
2) There is nothing off-color about your question, unless you find it to be so.
3) If you want something like this to work, you will need to approach it as an entirely good, normal idea: Going on vacation with someone you meet off Craig's list is just fine - as long as you're OK with it. If you are weirded out by it, she will be too (and so will we.)

Do take notice, however, of Pollomacho's comment. Do you really want to travel with someone you just met? Because perhaps your hestistation means you don't really want to do this. Nothing wrong with putting up a trial balloon on AskMe and saving you from an uncomfortable time.

As for me, I recommend romantic trips with people you've in the process of breaking up with. It heightens all of the emotions and gives you wonderful bittersweet memories. You got a few months. Go find someone, get your heart broken and then enjoy the experience as you're crushed to a pulp in a nice tropical country.
posted by Happydaz at 12:03 PM on October 18, 2005

I'm a guy, and this sets off alarm bells with me. I would recommend getting to know the person first, especially if you're kinda sorta hoping for a romantic tryst. Try dating first, as MsMolly said.

Did this remind anyone else of the Cyclotouriste meme?
posted by danb at 12:16 PM on October 18, 2005

Did this remind anyone else of the Cyclotouriste meme?
Yes.

Those Lonely Planet boards actually look more like the MeFi meetup protocol -- lotsa people saying "I'm going to be in X city on Y date; anyone want to grab a drink?" It might be a way to set up dates/whatever while you're there without getting into the whole traveling-together logistical and emotional hassle.

Assuming you are trying to *avoid* emotional hassle.
posted by occhiblu at 12:19 PM on October 18, 2005

Actually? There's a great precedent: Special Free Offer: Get Killed On the High Seas.

The follow-up to that story is that the girl who "won" the free cruise ticket went out with the stranger-guy for at least a few months after the trip, if not longer. So, hey! Do some auditions, set some groundrules, and go nuts.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 12:20 PM on October 18, 2005

And by "those Lonely Planet boards" I meant the ones I linked to earlier, not the Cyclotouriste one!
posted by occhiblu at 12:20 PM on October 18, 2005

Civil Disobedient has it exactly right. I went on a long european trip with a girlfriend, and we nearly broke up about a million times during. Go solo, and stay only at hostels. You will meet tons of women, some who may be interested in travelling to your next destination with you, or at the very least, taking in a museum or something. Many of these women will have sexy austrailian accents.

A good friend of mine had this exact experience -- he went solo (not looking to travel with anyone) and ended up travelling with a girl he met for a week or so (quite fortunately, as I understand, because it meant he actually washed his clothes and slept in a bed, rather than in a ditch).
posted by fishfucker at 12:29 PM on October 18, 2005

Leaving aside the whole "I might want to get laid, but I don't want have to come right out and say so" vibe for the minute: traveling with someone you've just met -- heck, traveling with someone you already know well, romantic or not! -- can be challenging. Different people have different styles/expectations -- some want everything planned out down to the very last detail ahead of time; others want to play it all (including lodging) by ear. Some want to pack in as many activities as possible; some want to sit on a beach and chill for a week. Of course it can always work out -- I've had some wonderful traveling companions (platonic and romantic; male and female) over the years, but I've also had my share of disasters (a now-ex-friend and I, who were thick as thieves for years, took a weekend trip together; our friendship, frankly, was never the same again). So food for thought.

As for the "hey, it would be nice if we could hook up" vibe that's going on here: I think you'd get a lot more mileage out of this if you can honestly decide (for your own sake) whether or not you would like a fuckbuddy to travel with. The kind of gray area you seem to be treading around seems to me to be a potential disaster. Personally, as a woman, I tend to prefer traveling with men for various reasons -- but there is not a single chance in hell I'd travel with a man I just met under these sort of unspoken "wink wink, nudge nudge" circumstances, either now in my placid middle age or even back in my much more wild 'n' crazy 20s. There simply are safety issues that women have to consider that just don't cross a man's radar screen, and -- fair or not -- what you're describing would set off alarm bells for me.

Going solo and being open to meeting people to travel with along the way is a great way to approach it. If you don't want to do that, though, I think you'd be better off with A) looking for a casual dating relationship (via Craigslist, possibly) with someone who also happens to enjoy travel, and then plan a short-ish trip (say, a weekend road trip) within a few weeks or a month to see if your traveling styles mesh; or B) looking for an explicity PLATONIC female traveling companion, and being very clear and respectful about the safety/boundary issues for any woman traveling under those circumstances. But the bottom line is that I think you need to be a lot clearer with yourself first about what you want, so that you can be clear with a traveling companion.
posted by scody at 12:43 PM on October 18, 2005

I know that this isn't the advice you are looking for but I second going solo. I have had so many amazing experiences travelling alone that would have been impossible if I went with someone. Travelling with someone isolates you from the people that are actually around you, and those people are always going to be a better experience. It builds confidence, being alone, having to figure out how to approach someone, insert yourself, etc. However, you don't immediately have someone at hand to challenge you; when I was in Calcutta alone awhile back I never really toured around much, more stayed on my own route.

I was just talking about how when I was in Calcutta I wasn't friends with Americans for the first few weeks, and was hanging around with these Dutch girls. I never realised how precious conversing in one's native accent is until I finally met Americans. I know it sounds like a simple experience, but an extended period of time in a certain translatory mindset, and then the feeling of releif when my brain was able to relax was really amazing. The person I was telling this story to had never travelled alone so couldn't really relate.

So, going alone is a different experience than going with someone, each has its limitations. Travelling alone will push you to challenge yourself and be more useful for self-discovery; going with someone will be more comfortable and you may depend on them to challenge you.
posted by scazza at 12:58 PM on October 18, 2005

I agree with the other posters who advocate traveling solo and picking up a companion or companions along the way.

Trying to arrange everything ahead of time with a stranger would be a lot of work and your situation would be less flexible if things didn't work out.
posted by nyterrant at 1:52 PM on October 18, 2005

WANTED: Attractive woman to accompany totally unknown man for a week's vacation, maybe more. Man may or may not be a rapist/serial killer/general creep, but why not find out while stuck with him thousands of miles from home? Qualified applicants will be responsible for their own travel expenses.

I think that your chances of finding someone even moderately sane who will agree to this are vanishingly small. Honestly, I don't really know any women who are so hard up for male companionship that this would sound appealing. Sorry.
posted by LittleMissCranky at 2:06 PM on October 18, 2005

LittleMissCranky -> you should follow RJ Reynolds earlier link to the Special Free Offer: Get Killed On the High Seas.. look at all the responses he got! that guy is my new hero ... now all i need is a free cruise and a video camera B-)
posted by cgs at 2:27 PM on October 18, 2005

you'll more than likely run into thousands of people from the country you're trying to get away from. Half will be female. A good percentage of that half will be looking for a good time.

Jesus, that sounds awful--and from experience I know that it is. One of the worst things about traveling (until I learned to do it right) was meeting the same kind of lame-ass fuckups and tardos that I wouldn't want anything to do with at home, much less when they're on the road broke, unwashed, and desperate for a blooded man to leech on to. if you're anything like me, CGS, you'll go out of your way to avoid wasting money in traveling to distant lands to meet a much smaller selection of the same women you just left behind and do what a few others have rightly suggested: work very very very hard before you go to find a fantastic dame who becomes a romantic partner before she becomes your traveling partner. I know traveling can be tough on a relationship, but you can plan ahead to soften the blow.
posted by Mo Nickels at 3:50 PM on October 18, 2005

I could be wrong, but I suspect the only women who would respond to such an ad would have serious issues and/or be desperate for friendship or romance.
posted by malp at 7:02 PM on October 18, 2005

I could be wrong, but I suspect the only women who would respond to such an ad would have serious issues and/or be desperate for friendship or romance.

Um, no. There are plenty of normal women out there who'd jump at a chance.

Some tips:

(1) It's particularly American women who think every guy wanting to enjoy their company is a potential "rapist/serial killer/general creep." You might try seeking out non-American women (particularly European or South American) who tend to be much more relaxed about these things. This is probably due to various cultural factors, but non-Americans are much more comfortable with the idea of travelling with a perfect stranger. Perhaps throw some ads on the European craigslist city sites.

(2) craigslist and the various travelling sites are your friend. Look for a woman who's already planning a vacation, better yet, one who's already travelling to your destination.

(3) Make it very clear in your ad and in person that you're not looking for anything more than a companion who'll enjoy the destination with you. You want somebody who'll do the whole tour/wine/dine/dance thing and nothing else. (You might plan ahead and figure out which particular activities you want to do with this person.) You won't sleep with this person. You'll be staying in your own hotel room. And, as you mention, there'll be no hard feelings about getting "ditched" if either of you meet somebody else interesting.

Anyways, this isn't such a big deal. There are lots of people out there looking to travel and lots of people looking for travelling companions. You're hardly the first to want to travel with a stranger.
posted by nixerman at 7:50 PM on October 18, 2005

Club Med is staffed by attractive, healthy young twentysomethings. When I was there, many years ago, one of these twentysomethings told me that she appreciated having me talk to her, because as long as a Club Med "guest" wanted her company, she was off work. This trumped the twenty-two hours of work she was expected to do every day, with no days off.

As you can see, Club Med employees either sleep with their "guests," or they die of exhaustion. Most of them know what they're getting into when they sign up.

At the end of this conversation my girlfriend, who had been looking more and more alarmed, shooed this young lady away, and she went back to the beach to slave away in the windsurfing mines.

I'm not sure which is the going Club Med for singles these days, but I am sure that someone knows, and I'm also sure that they're all warm in winter.
posted by ikkyu2 at 7:55 PM on October 18, 2005

If you decide to do this, please don't post on craigslist. I regularly read the ads and find any ad offering travel as very suspicious.
posted by Serena at 9:54 PM on October 18, 2005

nixerman, you seem to be missing the point that the poster doesn't seem to know whether he expects sex, or doesn't want to make it clear. Don't you find that a little creepy? Or, more to the point, wouldn't you find it a little creepy if you were a woman considering the offer? Here's a helpful quote for you:

i want there to be the possibility of something happening, w/o really vocalizing it.

I suspect even those famously relaxed European or South American women might find that off-putting. If he had said "I just want a companion, no sex involved," he wouldn't be getting so much negative feedback.
posted by languagehat at 7:00 AM on October 19, 2005

Wow this question is so apropos to my life its incredible ! ..

3 years ago I went on a trip around the world (literally) and I had planned to do it alone. I, as someone here suggested, went to the Lonely Planet message boards but initially it was to do research for my trip and find out from other travellers what was worth seeing.

At some point I had the same sort of idea as you.. to possibly find a nice pretty girl to travel with and see what happens, though I should add that you have to be very realistic about what youre asking for. Travelling with a companion is like no other social situation you have ever been in in your life. While most people imagine all the romantic notions of travelling in exotic places, they rarely think about all those stressful times like when youre only westerner standing in the middle of a small town somewhere in Cambodia trying to find out which bus will take you out of there without knowing a word of Khmer. Not knowing where you are going to sleep from one night to the next is both adventurously exciting and really stressful at the same time.

But here's the real insight... if you do manage to get along amazingly well with a person you travel with on a consistent basis, that is the ultimate litmus test because nothing in daily life will ever be as challenging.

Not many people can pull it off, in fact many relationships abruptly end as soon as they go away together. I have best friends at home who I know would make really lousy travel partners. Who a great travel partner would be sort of defies conventional wisdom. Most pairs of travellers I ran into, be it romantically involved or not, at some point or another had to take long breaks from each other.

To make a long story short, I found a really incredible girl on that website who after 4 months of correspondance and phone calls we agreed to travel together with the understanding that if either of us felt uncomfortable that we would go our separate ways and no hard feelings. We met and ended up travelling together throughout the world for 11 months straight 24hours a day and then....got married !!
posted by postergeist at 7:45 AM on October 19, 2005

wow, postergeist! :-) that makes me feel better about asking all this in the first place...
posted by cgs at 8:11 AM on October 19, 2005