“No woman gets an orgasm from shining the kitchen floor. ”
January 10, 2014 4:04 PM Subscribe
Met a great guy that I fell in love with just when I thought I never would again! Now how do I tell him I've never had an orgasm with him, that I want to do something about it, and that I was faking the ones I "did have" for the first half of our relationship? Sordid details inside!
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (17 answers total) 7 users marked this as a favorite
For background: In 2012 I left a five year relationship (that was GREAT sexually, but not great anywhere else) and got all sorts of depressed and feeling like I'd never love or date again. However, early 2013 I started a casual (FWB) relationship with a guy I met online. Before him I was occasionally having sex with two other friends, which continued for a few months or so after our first date.
Eventually we fell pretty hard for one another and decided to make it official. I made a point never to hide my other sexual partners during the time we were casual, and he expressed complete fulfillment in our interactions, stating that my time spent with other men before we were devoted to each other was a non-issue. I was having sex as much as I wanted with people whose company I enjoyed. Everything was cool. I've never been able to reach orgasm with anyone I wasn't dating, and my current partner was no exception. Seeing him casually once a week for a movie, some great conversation, and sex was perfect. The sex was fun even though I wasn't able to climax. I thought this would change as we became more serious and started to see a lot, lot more of each other. As it is now, we've been together for about a year, we have sex about twice to three times a week and I've still never had an orgasm with him.
Here's the kicker: in the beginning I faked it because that's always easier than telling your FWB that you didn't get there. (With other guys I've seen casually I've either faked it, or just enjoyed the sex as much as I did and not mentioned having or not having an orgasm.) I haven't been faking it for a while, but my prior dishonesty is starting to make me feel very guilty and sad. He sometimes expresses concern and feeling responsible for my lack of of climax. I tell him, truthfully, that I take a long while to get there. Alongside this, I'm a little upset that I haven't reached that point with him as I want to share that with the person I love. I don't know how to talk to him about my thoughts without exposing that I lied to him for the first part of our relationship. On the one hand I don't want him to think "huh, that's just how she is, no issue". But on the other, I feel like I need to discuss this so we can work on it together. I wonder if it's even worth telling him, and what I would even say.
Furthermore, for a while we were wrestling with issues of my current partner thinking he had a low sex drive (related to him potentially having depression) which affected the frequency of our sex, and led me to duct-tape some justification logic in my head that faking it was somehow better because it would be more fulfilling for him in the short term. Yeah, I don't know what I was thinking either.
I should also mention that as far as physical compatibility goes, everything's awesome. I love the sex we have (which is long, varied, exciting, and sometimes a little kinky) and feel constantly close to climaxing when we have it. I can't even count the number of "almosts". He pushes my sexy buttons like no one else ever has and everything else about relationship is near enough perfect.