Kiss Out Of Nowhere, Now I'm Confused
January 3, 2014 12:52 PM Subscribe
I was pursuing someone but it didn't seem to be going anywhere. Then she kissed me out of nowhere on New Year's. Mixed signals galore. Am I getting led on? Or maybe I am doing something wrong?
There is a girl (let's call her J) [25 F] who I [29 F] had been pursuing for a few weeks. We are both gay by the way, so no confusion between us there. It all kind of started when J got my number one night and genuinely seemed like she might be interested in me. I wanted to get to know her better, so I invited her to two group activities but both times she couldn't go for legitimate reasons. I was going to just let it go and let her initiate, but I saw her again soon after at another party. My friend who was with me told me she had seen J looking over at me quite a bit when I wasn't looking, and she was convinced that J seemed to have a thing for me. A few nights later we randomly saw J out at a club, and she seemed to be dropping little hints that she wanted to hang out with me.
So I began asking her out for drinks and other similar activities, casually at first since she hadn't reciprocated with something else since those first few times I had asked her to come out with us. I didn't explicitly say they were dates (is this where I went wrong?) because I didn't want to come on really strong. However although she was always responsive and seemed happy to meet up with me, our dates always ended up in a group situation:
The first time we went out a friend of hers came by the bar we were at towards the end of the date. It could have been bad luck as the friend had been out doing something else and was crashing at J's house that night. The second time we were going to go out again but J's friends had decided to go see a movie and J kind of wanted to go too. So she asked me if I wanted to do that instead, or our original plan - totally up to me. I felt bad/awkward about insisting on the original plan, so we went out with the group.
So finally I decided to try to be more direct, and sent her a text on a Thursday basically saying "Would you want to grab a drink with me this weekend ;) ?" I thought that was pretty darn direct. She sent a reply 4 hours later (this is someone who is always glued to her phone) apologizing for the delay, and that she might be out of town but if not she "would love to :)" Very confusing response. So I said to let me know if she was in town. But I didn't hear from her...I saw on social media she was in town for much of the weekend but I learned later on she did go out of town quite late on Sunday.
I was about to give up but I tried one last time because she seemed to indicate she wanted to come with me to check out this cool historical site in our town I had told her about. She blew off her friend to go with me on a sightseeing walk (good sign I guess), and afterwords I was going to come over to her place and watch a movie. But she basically had a whole entourage of friends come to her place to watch it with us, which was very discouraging and made it very hard to flirt and show interest.
However I'd like to say that whenever we were alone we got along really well and I felt as though it was going great.
So I kinda gave up...I figured she wasn't interested because I was doing almost 100% of the initiating for everything and she wasn't acting very interested and I could never get her alone. So I stopped pursuing her and left the ball in her court.
I ended up going to her birthday party 2 weeks ago for a weekend away (I had committed to it when I first met her) and since there were so many people there (almost 30), it was hard to really interact with her. I ended up leaving early because I was sick with a cold. I was also bummed that it seemed like she wasn't paying much attention to me aside from short interactions. And she's very flirty and playful and touchy with all her friends, but didn't seem to act that way with me.
I went home for the holidays and tried to forget about her, but she kept liking my Instagram and Facebook posts, so that made it hard. I ended up keeping a candle of hope lit, however we didn't really communicate at all for about 2 weeks.
When I got back just before New Year's, she texted me and invited me to her New Year's Eve party. I didn't even know if I wanted to go...I didn't want to see her kiss someone else, but unfortunately I still had feelings for her and couldn't NOT go and give it a shot. I got some of my good friends together, and we met up with her party which was a bunch of other lesbians whom I knew to varying degrees. Like I said, J is a major flirt with her friends, and she was doing her usual social butterfly thing, and I felt again like I wasn't getting much special attention from her. So I resolved to have a good time no matter what, and just be my best and most fun self as there were a lot of other ladies there too. I did talk to her here and there, tried to flirt a teeny tiny bit, but fear of rejection made me stay away since I wasn't getting a flirty vibe from her.
And I was doing a good job, just having fun and being myself and I was in a good mood. As midnight approached I saw J dancing quite a bit with another friend of hers, and I figured they were going to kiss at midnight. I was bummed but actually dealing with it pretty well, just dancing and talking with other people. Midnight struck and I was just standing over by the bar by myself cheering with a group. I wasn't even facing J because I didn't want to watch her kissing someone else.
So a little after midnight I'm just standing there minding my own business when J walks over to me and with barely a word starts making out with me. It wasn't just a peck, it was pretty sensual. I was shocked, but after we broke off I went back in for another kiss which she reciprocated, then after we pulled away again I smiled and said "Can I secretly admit that I don't want you to stop?" She just kinda laughed and said yeah, and I asked to buy her a drink and she was like "yes!" and then the rest of the night we danced a bit and I was kind of following her around more. It gets a little fuzzy but she started acting flighty and distant again, and the best analogy is that I felt like I was trying to catch a butterfly that kept flying away. It was very frustrating.
I walked back to her house with her and another friend of hers (M), and while I was in the bathroom they got into an argument because it sounds like M had feelings for J and she felt J led her on. However I know that that M probably tried to make a move on her as M once did the same thing to me. At that point I tried to comfort M a bit, and J was in her room talking to her best friend and crying. J didn't talk to me or say goodbye or anything. I was quite frustrated at how the night ended so I decided I needed to vacate the premises and get back to my other friend's house.
And that's pretty much the last I have interacted with her...we haven't talked or texted since then. At first I assumed the kiss didn't mean anything, but after thinking about it more clearly when I sobered up there was no obvious reason for her to kiss me. She had to cross the dance floor and deliberately approach me. There was no pretext or anything - yes we were all drunk, but I wasn't flirting with her or even dancing with her all night. So I had absolutely nothing to do with it. So that's why I am wondering if there's feelings there on her end.
I do know she kissed two other people that night: the one who was dancing with her, and L, the friend that was upset. But I have a feeling that those two initiated things with her, and she's been friends with both of them for a while and I don't think there's anything between them (especially L, since they were arguing about it).
As an explanation for why I'm stressing so much...I've had a very rough two years with coming out and being rejected by every romantic interest I've asked out or shown interest in. So I am already a bit of a wreck and my confidence is waning. I've kissed people and messed around before, but at 29 years old this is the first time I have ever kissed someone I have actual feelings for...and it's messing me up inside something awful -- it just seems like my life is playing out like someone's worst romantic nightmare. Finally kissed by someone I like, it felt great, and it's just a tease?? It hurts.
So I am back on the emotional rollercoaster in a bad way and utterly confused. Obviously I need to figure out where she stands. My friends seem to think I should ask her about the kiss or talk about it, but it seems awkward to ask to know what she meant by it - what is she supposed to say? I don't think we have enough relationship context for a "feelings" talk, it seems kinda heavy. I don't want to scare her off.
I almost feel as though it would be better to simply ask her if I can take her out on a date (and use that word) because it will be clear and she can say yes or no and save face. But for some reason my friends don't seem to think that's the best way to go (I don't know why). That's why I'm here.
Perhaps I haven't been clear enough with her, that's a major possibility. I know the usual AskMefi advice is just asking someone on a date. It feels like there's a wrinkle here because I HAD been asking her out and I feel a bit odd to be asking her out yet again (although this would be the first time my intentions are crystal clear with the Date word.)
Or hell, maybe this is one of those times where I should just take it slow and feel her out.
There is a girl (let's call her J) [25 F] who I [29 F] had been pursuing for a few weeks. We are both gay by the way, so no confusion between us there. It all kind of started when J got my number one night and genuinely seemed like she might be interested in me. I wanted to get to know her better, so I invited her to two group activities but both times she couldn't go for legitimate reasons. I was going to just let it go and let her initiate, but I saw her again soon after at another party. My friend who was with me told me she had seen J looking over at me quite a bit when I wasn't looking, and she was convinced that J seemed to have a thing for me. A few nights later we randomly saw J out at a club, and she seemed to be dropping little hints that she wanted to hang out with me.
So I began asking her out for drinks and other similar activities, casually at first since she hadn't reciprocated with something else since those first few times I had asked her to come out with us. I didn't explicitly say they were dates (is this where I went wrong?) because I didn't want to come on really strong. However although she was always responsive and seemed happy to meet up with me, our dates always ended up in a group situation:
The first time we went out a friend of hers came by the bar we were at towards the end of the date. It could have been bad luck as the friend had been out doing something else and was crashing at J's house that night. The second time we were going to go out again but J's friends had decided to go see a movie and J kind of wanted to go too. So she asked me if I wanted to do that instead, or our original plan - totally up to me. I felt bad/awkward about insisting on the original plan, so we went out with the group.
So finally I decided to try to be more direct, and sent her a text on a Thursday basically saying "Would you want to grab a drink with me this weekend ;) ?" I thought that was pretty darn direct. She sent a reply 4 hours later (this is someone who is always glued to her phone) apologizing for the delay, and that she might be out of town but if not she "would love to :)" Very confusing response. So I said to let me know if she was in town. But I didn't hear from her...I saw on social media she was in town for much of the weekend but I learned later on she did go out of town quite late on Sunday.
I was about to give up but I tried one last time because she seemed to indicate she wanted to come with me to check out this cool historical site in our town I had told her about. She blew off her friend to go with me on a sightseeing walk (good sign I guess), and afterwords I was going to come over to her place and watch a movie. But she basically had a whole entourage of friends come to her place to watch it with us, which was very discouraging and made it very hard to flirt and show interest.
However I'd like to say that whenever we were alone we got along really well and I felt as though it was going great.
So I kinda gave up...I figured she wasn't interested because I was doing almost 100% of the initiating for everything and she wasn't acting very interested and I could never get her alone. So I stopped pursuing her and left the ball in her court.
I ended up going to her birthday party 2 weeks ago for a weekend away (I had committed to it when I first met her) and since there were so many people there (almost 30), it was hard to really interact with her. I ended up leaving early because I was sick with a cold. I was also bummed that it seemed like she wasn't paying much attention to me aside from short interactions. And she's very flirty and playful and touchy with all her friends, but didn't seem to act that way with me.
I went home for the holidays and tried to forget about her, but she kept liking my Instagram and Facebook posts, so that made it hard. I ended up keeping a candle of hope lit, however we didn't really communicate at all for about 2 weeks.
When I got back just before New Year's, she texted me and invited me to her New Year's Eve party. I didn't even know if I wanted to go...I didn't want to see her kiss someone else, but unfortunately I still had feelings for her and couldn't NOT go and give it a shot. I got some of my good friends together, and we met up with her party which was a bunch of other lesbians whom I knew to varying degrees. Like I said, J is a major flirt with her friends, and she was doing her usual social butterfly thing, and I felt again like I wasn't getting much special attention from her. So I resolved to have a good time no matter what, and just be my best and most fun self as there were a lot of other ladies there too. I did talk to her here and there, tried to flirt a teeny tiny bit, but fear of rejection made me stay away since I wasn't getting a flirty vibe from her.
And I was doing a good job, just having fun and being myself and I was in a good mood. As midnight approached I saw J dancing quite a bit with another friend of hers, and I figured they were going to kiss at midnight. I was bummed but actually dealing with it pretty well, just dancing and talking with other people. Midnight struck and I was just standing over by the bar by myself cheering with a group. I wasn't even facing J because I didn't want to watch her kissing someone else.
So a little after midnight I'm just standing there minding my own business when J walks over to me and with barely a word starts making out with me. It wasn't just a peck, it was pretty sensual. I was shocked, but after we broke off I went back in for another kiss which she reciprocated, then after we pulled away again I smiled and said "Can I secretly admit that I don't want you to stop?" She just kinda laughed and said yeah, and I asked to buy her a drink and she was like "yes!" and then the rest of the night we danced a bit and I was kind of following her around more. It gets a little fuzzy but she started acting flighty and distant again, and the best analogy is that I felt like I was trying to catch a butterfly that kept flying away. It was very frustrating.
I walked back to her house with her and another friend of hers (M), and while I was in the bathroom they got into an argument because it sounds like M had feelings for J and she felt J led her on. However I know that that M probably tried to make a move on her as M once did the same thing to me. At that point I tried to comfort M a bit, and J was in her room talking to her best friend and crying. J didn't talk to me or say goodbye or anything. I was quite frustrated at how the night ended so I decided I needed to vacate the premises and get back to my other friend's house.
And that's pretty much the last I have interacted with her...we haven't talked or texted since then. At first I assumed the kiss didn't mean anything, but after thinking about it more clearly when I sobered up there was no obvious reason for her to kiss me. She had to cross the dance floor and deliberately approach me. There was no pretext or anything - yes we were all drunk, but I wasn't flirting with her or even dancing with her all night. So I had absolutely nothing to do with it. So that's why I am wondering if there's feelings there on her end.
I do know she kissed two other people that night: the one who was dancing with her, and L, the friend that was upset. But I have a feeling that those two initiated things with her, and she's been friends with both of them for a while and I don't think there's anything between them (especially L, since they were arguing about it).
As an explanation for why I'm stressing so much...I've had a very rough two years with coming out and being rejected by every romantic interest I've asked out or shown interest in. So I am already a bit of a wreck and my confidence is waning. I've kissed people and messed around before, but at 29 years old this is the first time I have ever kissed someone I have actual feelings for...and it's messing me up inside something awful -- it just seems like my life is playing out like someone's worst romantic nightmare. Finally kissed by someone I like, it felt great, and it's just a tease?? It hurts.
So I am back on the emotional rollercoaster in a bad way and utterly confused. Obviously I need to figure out where she stands. My friends seem to think I should ask her about the kiss or talk about it, but it seems awkward to ask to know what she meant by it - what is she supposed to say? I don't think we have enough relationship context for a "feelings" talk, it seems kinda heavy. I don't want to scare her off.
I almost feel as though it would be better to simply ask her if I can take her out on a date (and use that word) because it will be clear and she can say yes or no and save face. But for some reason my friends don't seem to think that's the best way to go (I don't know why). That's why I'm here.
Perhaps I haven't been clear enough with her, that's a major possibility. I know the usual AskMefi advice is just asking someone on a date. It feels like there's a wrinkle here because I HAD been asking her out and I feel a bit odd to be asking her out yet again (although this would be the first time my intentions are crystal clear with the Date word.)
Or hell, maybe this is one of those times where I should just take it slow and feel her out.
Sounds like she is a mess. A perfectly normal for 25 mess.
I would explicitly ask her in a date. If she says yes, enjoy. If she cancels or can't yet commit to a time tell her "well when you figure out your schedule and are interested let me know" and leave it.
posted by munchingzombie at 1:03 PM on January 3, 2014 [3 favorites]
I would explicitly ask her in a date. If she says yes, enjoy. If she cancels or can't yet commit to a time tell her "well when you figure out your schedule and are interested let me know" and leave it.
posted by munchingzombie at 1:03 PM on January 3, 2014 [3 favorites]
Best answer: She's really into the way you feel about her, but she's not into YOU.
She's selfish. Move on. Move on.
This isn't real, it's just about her ego getting stroked by whoever is available.
You're awesome! Kick this girl out of your head and find a woman!!!
posted by jbenben at 1:04 PM on January 3, 2014 [19 favorites]
She's selfish. Move on. Move on.
This isn't real, it's just about her ego getting stroked by whoever is available.
You're awesome! Kick this girl out of your head and find a woman!!!
posted by jbenben at 1:04 PM on January 3, 2014 [19 favorites]
She seems to love the attention, but has no intention of letting you get to the next stage. I would be very explicit about asking her out on a DATE, and that you are interested in DATING, and if she hedges, then I'd leave her be and find someone else.
posted by xingcat at 1:09 PM on January 3, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by xingcat at 1:09 PM on January 3, 2014 [3 favorites]
She sounds a little bit like a mess, but isn't everyone a little bit of a mess when they're 25 and drunk on New Year's? If I were in her shoes, I'm not sure I would know for sure that you were interested, because that text doesn't seem direct to me at all.
I'd go with your instinct to ask her on a date, and then make a decision based on her response to that. If she says no, or flakes on you again, move on. But she might say yes, which would be great.
posted by dizziest at 1:24 PM on January 3, 2014
I'd go with your instinct to ask her on a date, and then make a decision based on her response to that. If she says no, or flakes on you again, move on. But she might say yes, which would be great.
posted by dizziest at 1:24 PM on January 3, 2014
She might like you, but not as much as you like her.
posted by heyjude at 1:28 PM on January 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by heyjude at 1:28 PM on January 3, 2014 [1 favorite]
Ugh from experience I can tell you that making A Big Thing out of NYE makeout sessions is not a smart move. It's so freaking romantic, especially when you're really into someone and aren't expecting them to reciprocate, that you can easily tell yourself BUT IT IS DESTINED BECAUSE MIDNIGHT!
Just don't. The only NYE kiss that's worth giving a second thought is the one that repeats on New Years' Day, January 8, January 10, &etc.
posted by like_a_friend at 1:31 PM on January 3, 2014 [5 favorites]
Just don't. The only NYE kiss that's worth giving a second thought is the one that repeats on New Years' Day, January 8, January 10, &etc.
posted by like_a_friend at 1:31 PM on January 3, 2014 [5 favorites]
Yeah, I don't think she likes you so much as she likes being liked by you. The NYE kiss seems at least partially motivated by the fact that you stopped pursuing her, and so she ramped up her affections so that you'd start chasing after her again.
You could ask her out again but you've already made your interest in her pretty clear. Let this one go.
posted by fox problems at 1:45 PM on January 3, 2014 [3 favorites]
You could ask her out again but you've already made your interest in her pretty clear. Let this one go.
posted by fox problems at 1:45 PM on January 3, 2014 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Oh, shoot, I really feel for you. I had a similar experience in coming out and trying to meet and date women. Several years of weird interactions and sort-of, but not really interest really took a toll on my confidence, so mostly I just want to commiserate. I had the same feeling of "oh, I've finally hooked up with someone I am SUPER into and now it is making me feel kind of wild and I'm obsessing way beyond what seems prudent" and it was really stressful.
Anyway, I think best thing for you to do is just let her go (plus, in my experience, she will suddenly be super into you in a year after you break up with her ex-girlfriend - although you'll be over her by then (especially if you start now!)). However, I also understand the impulse and desire to make sure that things are totally understood and, due to that, I also think it is fine if you make your intentions incredibly clear (like, "I like you and want to date you. Would you like to go out on Friday at 8p?" clear) and if she's at all flaky or flighty about that, then you should definitely let her go.
posted by vakker at 2:00 PM on January 3, 2014
Anyway, I think best thing for you to do is just let her go (plus, in my experience, she will suddenly be super into you in a year after you break up with her ex-girlfriend - although you'll be over her by then (especially if you start now!)). However, I also understand the impulse and desire to make sure that things are totally understood and, due to that, I also think it is fine if you make your intentions incredibly clear (like, "I like you and want to date you. Would you like to go out on Friday at 8p?" clear) and if she's at all flaky or flighty about that, then you should definitely let her go.
posted by vakker at 2:00 PM on January 3, 2014
Her interest in you sounds to have perked up once you actively stopped pursuing her, and then once she "reeled you back in again" after the New Years Kiss "she started acting flighty and distant again"
I might be inclined to say it sounds as though she's very insecure and needs lots of validation, affection and attention from others (hence the 3 kisses on New Years Eve), but ultimately has no idea what it is that she wants.
Honestly, she sounds a bit of a mess and I would advise you to move on to someone with less obvious emotional-baggage - you sound lovely, I'm sure you could do without this drama!
posted by JenThePro at 2:32 PM on January 3, 2014 [2 favorites]
I might be inclined to say it sounds as though she's very insecure and needs lots of validation, affection and attention from others (hence the 3 kisses on New Years Eve), but ultimately has no idea what it is that she wants.
Honestly, she sounds a bit of a mess and I would advise you to move on to someone with less obvious emotional-baggage - you sound lovely, I'm sure you could do without this drama!
posted by JenThePro at 2:32 PM on January 3, 2014 [2 favorites]
She's really into the way you feel about her, but she's not into YOU.
Seconding jbenben above. I had a long answer typed up deleted it because it pretty much boiled down to this.
posted by variella at 6:05 PM on January 3, 2014 [2 favorites]
Seconding jbenben above. I had a long answer typed up deleted it because it pretty much boiled down to this.
posted by variella at 6:05 PM on January 3, 2014 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I agree with those who feel that the lady is a flirt who thrives on the romantic attentions of others, and is probably not ready to settle down just yet. Even if she agreed to be your girlfriend, she would probably act in ways that made you feel insecure and jealous. I suggest that you try to find someone who wants the same kind of relationship you want. I've known Lesbians who used OKCupid and had good results finding a mate. Chemistry.com is another LGBT-friendly online dating site. Dating in a rather incestuous friendship group can just lead to heartache because as vakker alluded above, people are dating each other's exes and such. That will either make you harden your heart, or break it--I speak from experience, though I date men it is much the same.
posted by Rainflower at 7:39 AM on January 4, 2014
posted by Rainflower at 7:39 AM on January 4, 2014
Response by poster: Thanks for all the answers. You all were right. I asked her out point blank and she gave me the runaround. Onward and upward. But thanks for being there AskMefi. You guys gave me a prep for the truth. Was a tough one to handle but I'll get through it.
posted by christiehawk at 10:41 PM on January 6, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by christiehawk at 10:41 PM on January 6, 2014 [2 favorites]
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