I don't need an electric wheelchair 'cause fire shoots out my butt

December 18, 2013 2:42 PM

As I wait impatiently for my new bad ass manual chair (like, it is a sweet little thing, all *latest technology* *aerodynamic* *ultralight* yadda yadda), it occurs to me that the question, 'why don't you get an electric chair' is one with which I am having an increasingly hard time shrugging off without wanting to be like because I have super strong arms *BAM* SEE? I'm not on the brink of violence, honest, but would like some help quelling you know, those tendencies toward belligerence. To that end, what are a range of responses that will shock (in not a mean way).

This would be to the person who just approaches me on the street, all, 'by, have you heard of this wild concept called electric wheelchairs it will change your life.' I don't want to be hateful and/or gross, but I do want to freak the person out a little bit. The best I can come off the top of my head is to say, 'O actually I am upgrading to a jet pack. Arriving next week!' Which seems not so good to me, but quick wit is not really my thing. Any ideas? Bonus for generating a response (not a hostile one) in my neighborhood Upper Darby/ West Philly.

posted by angrycat to Human Relations (111 answers total)

"I don't want to end up in People of Walmart"
posted by a halcyon day at 2:43 PM on December 18, 2013 [5 favorites]

"I lost my twin brother to a rogue hand mixer when we were seven and have never touched anything with a motor since"
posted by a halcyon day at 2:44 PM on December 18, 2013 [11 favorites]

"Do you even lift?"
posted by Tanizaki at 2:45 PM on December 18, 2013 [25 favorites]

"But I've already got the licenses for these big guns." And then flex!
posted by mochapickle at 2:45 PM on December 18, 2013 [45 favorites]

Fixed unblinking stare: "I don't believe in electricity."
posted by Catseye at 2:47 PM on December 18, 2013 [4 favorites]

Personally, I love your post title. Says about all that needs to be said.
posted by dlugoczaj at 2:50 PM on December 18, 2013 [4 favorites]

'why don't you get an electric chair'

What, those things they use to kill people on death row?
posted by Melismata at 2:51 PM on December 18, 2013 [27 favorites]

Have you seen Wall-E? Would YOU want to be one of those people?
posted by blue_beetle at 2:52 PM on December 18, 2013 [2 favorites]

Just be like, I'm cutting down on my carbon emissions! I'd bike everywhere instead of driving... IF I COULD.
posted by showbiz_liz at 2:53 PM on December 18, 2013 [12 favorites]

"For the same reason you're not riding a Segway right now."*

*This is possibly less effective if person is actually on a segway.

Also, why would strangers think that they should say this to you?!
posted by BigHeartedGuy at 2:53 PM on December 18, 2013 [20 favorites]

"You can't do wheelies in an electric wheelchair" (followed by a wheelie)
"I was never very good at Atari."
"That's just not how I roll."
posted by nathancaswell at 2:54 PM on December 18, 2013 [30 favorites]

"My religion forbids it. Actually, I could walk right out of this chair if only I were allowed to take multivitamins. Say, got a few hours to discuss your relationship with God?"
posted by payoto at 2:56 PM on December 18, 2013 [11 favorites]

"I'm afraid I've already been barred from driving in seven states."
"How do you think I ended up in a wheelchair in the first place? Idiot."
"Is very sad. I was born in Chernobyl and the radiation still interferes with unshielded electronic devices."
"They caught me riding dirty too many times."
posted by Soliloquy at 2:58 PM on December 18, 2013 [8 favorites]

Response by poster: I am not sure why strangers would want to say this to me but it is usually delivered with an intensity that makes me think the person thinks that I live in some world where no knowledge of electrical wheelchairs exist. There's also sometimes an assumption that my brain is impaired, and I suppose they think I've been relegated to this manual wheelchair ghetto, or something

Bonus bonuses for answers that imply slight dottiness/insanity (e.g., "I don't believe in electricity" (good one, Catseye), that I have powers of witchcraft, and/or will shift the focus to the person and whatever might be going on in their life)

Thanks so much so far, folks!
posted by angrycat at 2:59 PM on December 18, 2013 [5 favorites]

"Electricity costs money. I power this one with my mind!"
posted by jacquilynne at 3:00 PM on December 18, 2013 [9 favorites]

"You know they can track you if you drive those things around.....!"
posted by jessamyn at 3:01 PM on December 18, 2013 [22 favorites]

and/or will shift the focus to the person

Them: "Why don't you get an electric wheelchair?"
You: "Why don't YOU get an electric wheelchair?"
Them: "I don't need one."
You: "Neither do I."
posted by nathancaswell at 3:01 PM on December 18, 2013 [149 favorites]

Just be like, I'm cutting down on my carbon emissions! I'd bike everywhere instead of driving... IF I COULD.

I think this is the path you should be going down. Make them feel awkward, push them in to that awkward silence "oh god why did i say that" zone. Make them feel as awkward as you possibly can, because they deserve it.

Really just make them regret ever having opened their damn mouth.
posted by emptythought at 3:01 PM on December 18, 2013 [9 favorites]

[Pats chair] "A more elegant weapon for a more civilized age."
posted by Kakkerlak at 3:02 PM on December 18, 2013 [42 favorites]

"Because my arms work."
posted by cecic at 3:03 PM on December 18, 2013 [18 favorites]

Oh, or alternately "I like it, it reminds me of how I used to just love biking... UNTIL THE ACCIDENT." (Doesn't matter if you didn't actually have an accident)
posted by showbiz_liz at 3:03 PM on December 18, 2013 [1 favorite]

"It separates the wheat from the chaff: the comments I get when I'm in my manual wheelchair tells me who thinks it's OK to be rude to disabled people."
posted by medusa at 3:04 PM on December 18, 2013 [16 favorites]

Seriously, do they question people who choose walk instead of stand on escalators/moving sidewalks?

"Electricity? This one runs on burritos [or whatever they eat in West Philly]"
posted by xueexueg at 3:04 PM on December 18, 2013 [2 favorites]

Why don't you get an electric wheelchair?
I'm sorry, a what?
You know, a... an electric wheelchair.
I've never heard of such a thing!
etc
posted by showbiz_liz at 3:07 PM on December 18, 2013 [1 favorite]

"For the same reason that you don't get electric legs".
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 3:08 PM on December 18, 2013 [2 favorites]

"Why don't you get some electric tact?"
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 3:09 PM on December 18, 2013 [24 favorites]

I've never heard of such a thing!

Make sure to deliver this line in a really exaggerated, shocked, Victorian era inflection.
posted by nathancaswell at 3:10 PM on December 18, 2013 [2 favorites]

It may help to aggressively and perhaps even obnoxiously personalize the chair. Paint flames on it, put a "powered by [food item]" bumper sticker on it somewhere, etc. Then the conversations might more naturally turn toward how awesome the chair's bling is rather than what kind of chair it is.

When you put that much effort in personalizing something, even daft idiots tend to immediately grokk that you like the damn thing, even if the reason why escapes them.
posted by jsturgill at 3:10 PM on December 18, 2013 [1 favorite]

"Wow, an electric wheelchair?! That's such a great idea! Better tell your wife you'll be late for dinner, we're getting me an electric wheelchair right now!"

Realistically I would go with this one.
posted by domnit at 3:10 PM on December 18, 2013

"You wanna pick this thing up all the time?"
posted by jenfullmoon at 3:11 PM on December 18, 2013

'My husky is at the vet.'

'What have you got against Mennonites/the Amish?'

'Don't worry, it's all downhill from here.'
posted by jamjam at 3:13 PM on December 18, 2013

"I'm Wheelchair Amish. We're not allowed."
posted by MsMolly at 3:13 PM on December 18, 2013 [19 favorites]

"Only POSEURS ride electric, man. I'm straight-edge! HARDCORE! ROOOOOOOOOCK!"
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 3:13 PM on December 18, 2013 [3 favorites]

"I like the one I have. It came with free tickets to the gun show." [exaggerated flex]
posted by MsMolly at 3:15 PM on December 18, 2013 [5 favorites]

"Because; the Rise of the Machines! [whispered] It's coming, man. It's coming. Are YOU ready? Are you READY?!"
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 3:23 PM on December 18, 2013 [6 favorites]

"What do you think I am, handicapped?"
posted by adamrice at 3:30 PM on December 18, 2013 [7 favorites]

Because this is my exercise.
posted by Dansaman at 3:33 PM on December 18, 2013 [2 favorites]

"'Cos, man. They don't allow no 'electric' in wheelchair demolition derby."
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 3:34 PM on December 18, 2013

IF you can see the questioner's family sedan: "Why didn't you buy a UNIMOG?"
posted by Cranberry at 3:35 PM on December 18, 2013 [1 favorite]

"SORRY I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF THIS AWESOME GUN SHOW"

and then you BANG BANG BANG at them whilst striking a dramatic pose
posted by elizardbits at 3:38 PM on December 18, 2013 [7 favorites]

"Why don't YOU use an electric chair??"
posted by insectosaurus at 3:39 PM on December 18, 2013

I like the old Miss Manners standby for rude questions: "Why do you ask?"
posted by Zozo at 3:39 PM on December 18, 2013 [14 favorites]

(If that wasn't clear, I am not asking you. I'm suggesting you respond by asking the questioner why they aren't in an electric wheelchair.)
posted by insectosaurus at 3:42 PM on December 18, 2013

I also use a manual chair and I always say, "It's the only exercise I get. I don't want to completely atrophy."
posted by a humble nudibranch at 3:42 PM on December 18, 2013 [2 favorites]

I also throw my hands in the air and squeal with glee when rolling down hills to let the unwheeled know what they're missing. I am obviously having so much fun in my chair that it nips the pity questions in the butt.
posted by a humble nudibranch at 3:45 PM on December 18, 2013 [11 favorites]

"I feel like this chair really brings out my eyes"
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 3:46 PM on December 18, 2013 [7 favorites]

Sorry, I already have a penguin.
posted by haplesschild at 3:50 PM on December 18, 2013 [8 favorites]

"Here is one reason" FLEX LEFT "and here is another" FLEX RIGHT
posted by justsomebodythatyouusedtoknow at 4:11 PM on December 18, 2013 [1 favorite]

If you go with one of the faux-naïf answers here (and I was going to suggest "but I don't understand; what's a wheelchair?"), I suggest you do it in a way that channels Kenneth from 30 Rock.
posted by dizziest at 4:21 PM on December 18, 2013 [2 favorites]

"Seriously? You just fucking come up on a dude and say that? Were you raised by fucking wolves? Are you going to ask to sniff my ass next?"
posted by Etrigan at 4:33 PM on December 18, 2013 [2 favorites]

Just start singing Ridin' Dirty while you roll away.
posted by showbiz_liz at 4:36 PM on December 18, 2013 [2 favorites]

From Michael Clayton:

"I am Shiva the god of death!"
posted by hamsterdam at 4:37 PM on December 18, 2013

Would you want to rely on PECO to get you to the bathroom and back?
posted by 256 at 4:38 PM on December 18, 2013

I would just turn around and go off in the other direction yelling VROOM VROOOOOOOM at the top of your lungs.
posted by coppermoss at 4:42 PM on December 18, 2013 [4 favorites]

"The extension cord would limit my range."
posted by Bighappyfunhouse at 4:43 PM on December 18, 2013 [13 favorites]

"Lighting my farts makes me go fast enough. ....Hey, you know where there's a Taco Bell around here?"
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:45 PM on December 18, 2013

"For the same reason some people prefer riding a bike to driving a car."

Or, if you're feeling punchy, "for the same reason some people go to the gym instead of buying a robot to lift weights for them."
posted by matlock expressway at 4:48 PM on December 18, 2013 [1 favorite]

I'm old school, baby. This is how I roll!
posted by ninazer0 at 4:59 PM on December 18, 2013 [5 favorites]

" delivered with an intensity that makes me think the person thinks that I live in some world where no knowledge of electrical wheelchairs exist. ... Bonus bonuses for answers that imply slight dottiness/insanity"


Affect an old-timey accent and say, "A what, good sir? Is that one of Mr. Franklin's new inventions? Truly, I was not aware he continued his work with this ee-lectricity since being appointed ambassador to France. Why are you wearing such odd clothes? Are you a lady of ill-repute? Do you think these Articles of Confederation will hold? What do you think of Mr. Franklin's apportionment plan for the large and small states in this new Constitution he proposes?" YOU ARE ICHABOD CRANE AND IT IS 1785. Bonus points for Philly history references. (If they say something about your clothes, be all like, "These are my everyday britches!")

The jet pack thing actually makes me laugh, as does, "This is how I roll!"
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 5:03 PM on December 18, 2013 [10 favorites]

I have telekinesis.
posted by obiwanwasabi at 5:06 PM on December 18, 2013 [1 favorite]

Your profile says you're in the states, so could you say something about the cost? I imagine one would set you back at least a few grand.

"An electric? Who's going to pay for it? Are you going to buy me one?"
posted by ceribus peribus at 5:33 PM on December 18, 2013

Mod note: Folks, you need to answer the question and not just argue with other commenters, please feel free to recomment without calling people out
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 6:00 PM on December 18, 2013

Who needs electric when I roll eclectic?
posted by scruss at 6:08 PM on December 18, 2013

I might go for a wide-eyed "Really? Electric? Whatever will they think of next?"

Or possibly the Miss Manners-approved glare with an icy, "What an extraordinary question to ask a stranger," perhaps followed by, "Whatever made you think that was appropriate?"
posted by Lexica at 6:16 PM on December 18, 2013 [7 favorites]

"Eh, if I did that I'd have to go to the gym. Man I hate the gym. Full of rude people who ask the silliest questions."
posted by bunderful at 6:42 PM on December 18, 2013 [3 favorites]

Or "I don't want to." What it lacks in style it makes up for in ease of delivery and simplicity.
posted by bunderful at 6:45 PM on December 18, 2013 [1 favorite]

"Oh, I just use a wheelchair as a hobby anyway. An electric would really ruin the fun."
posted by LobsterMitten at 7:24 PM on December 18, 2013 [4 favorites]

"They don't like the sound of the electric motor. You don't want to make them angry. You wouldn't like them when they're angry"
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 7:29 PM on December 18, 2013 [1 favorite]

"Oh, I can't. The sound of the motor attracts bears."
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 7:30 PM on December 18, 2013 [6 favorites]

But I've got this steampunk thing down.
posted by Trivia Newton John at 7:30 PM on December 18, 2013 [1 favorite]

"I just stole this one".
posted by Catch at 7:32 PM on December 18, 2013 [4 favorites]

"I'm an objectophile and this is my wife. How dare you suggest that I should trade her in for a younger flashier model!"

(no offense intended to objectophiles...)
posted by whoaali at 7:32 PM on December 18, 2013 [1 favorite]

"I can't fit as much cocaine in the frame of most electric wheelchairs".
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 7:35 PM on December 18, 2013 [6 favorites]

If it were me, I'd arch an eyebrow and deliver a stinging, "Really?" But that's how I roll....
posted by Lynsey at 7:37 PM on December 18, 2013 [1 favorite]

"Whoa there, Tesla."
posted by klangklangston at 7:52 PM on December 18, 2013 [13 favorites]

I'd just start singing. "They see me rollin' they be hatin'."
posted by wwax at 7:52 PM on December 18, 2013 [5 favorites]

"I'd hate to be crippled* AND lazy."

*or paralyzed, or a paraplegic, or whatever shocking description of your condition fits you best.
posted by randomkeystrike at 8:12 PM on December 18, 2013 [4 favorites]

In the same vein, "Oho! So you're one of Edison's thugs, are you? Well, you tell that elephant-murdering bastard that he can go straight to hell with his newfangled 'direct current'".
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 8:25 PM on December 18, 2013 [3 favorites]

Appear to listen to the question. Affect a face that suggests you are seriously answering them. Your tone should be kind, but tinged with a very very slight sadness, like you are talking about a relative who has passed away since the last time you saw the person you are talking to. A small, tight, sad smile. Think of Geena Davis talking about her dead husband at the end of A League of Their Own (spoilers, by the way).

Say: "Well, you know - ever since 9/11..."

Leave the sentence hanging. Change the subject. Even though you have just spouted complete nonsense, they will not ask you to clarify. They never do.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 8:37 PM on December 18, 2013 [10 favorites]

'They took it away from me after the incident at the demolition derby.'
posted by winna at 9:09 PM on December 18, 2013 [2 favorites]

"Can I borrow yours for the weekend to try it out?"
posted by catalytics at 9:16 PM on December 18, 2013

"Eckeltricity? Whatever will those Muggles think of next?!" (channeling Mr. Weasley)
posted by cardinality at 9:26 PM on December 18, 2013

"That's a personal question, why do you ask?" If it's someone you have a closer relationship with you can actually answer but it is a personal question.
posted by ClaudiaCenter at 9:26 PM on December 18, 2013 [1 favorite]

"Technically, my muscles are animated by electric force! And static electricity keeps me from plunging through the seat!"
posted by klangklangston at 9:28 PM on December 18, 2013 [1 favorite]

Oh man, this is the timeline with electric wheelchairs? I am going to kill M when I get back. [squirm a bit]... Hey, does everybody here really wear a butt plug all the time? I've only been here a week and my ass is killing me. It's not the stretching I mind so much as the...
posted by bigbigdog at 10:24 PM on December 18, 2013 [3 favorites]

"Uh, some of us care about the environment."
posted by klangklangston at 10:53 PM on December 18, 2013

"Oh, no, I have an invisible manservant who propels me. He's getting winded, though, if you'd like a turn."

"I just have this one while my exo-skeleton is in the shop."

"What, like that insufferable fop Stephan Hawking?"
posted by klangklangston at 10:56 PM on December 18, 2013

Look down at yourself, screech and say: "Oh my GAWD, I'm in a wheelchair?!"
Then hurry away, panicked.
posted by Omnomnom at 11:52 PM on December 18, 2013 [6 favorites]

"Electricity numbs my naughty bits!"
posted by klangklangston at 11:55 PM on December 18, 2013 [2 favorites]

"That's the devil's locomotive!"
posted by klangklangston at 12:01 AM on December 19, 2013 [4 favorites]

Bonus bonuses for answers that imply slight dottiness/insanity

My maternal grandfather was in a car accident that left him quadriplegic, though he had a limited range of motion in his arms – larger muscles worked, finer ones in the hands didn't – that he really hung on to. As such, he was able to keep his manual wheelchair until only a few years before his death (at the age of 75; he had been in his accident at around 55).

So, imagine a wiry 6'4" Irishman who'd been foreman of his own concrete company, and, granted, was an asshole to his family, but behaved himself somewhat (somewhat...) better in wider society. I got a kick out of his retorts to people. yeah, people can be WTF

- "A goddamned electric wheelchair?? You think after building half this goddamned city I'm going to give up on the arms that did that??" (replace "building half this goddamned city" with anything your own arms have achieved)

- "Because I have arms."

- "Look, I don't need my fingers to flip you off" (use your arms) "so why would I need a motor to move my chair." (best used with a sense of humor, which he usually did in this case)

- If near a door: "Can you open that door?" (person opens door, assuming it was a request for help) "Good job! It's not even automatic!" (wheel off in the other direction)

- When I wheeled him because he was tired: "It's good exercise for my grandkids."
posted by fraula at 12:50 AM on December 19, 2013 [14 favorites]

To riff on a past one: "Uh, dude, they use lethal injections now"
posted by anateus at 1:25 AM on December 19, 2013 [2 favorites]

I think you should get cards printed with your favorite responses and just hand one over the next time you get this question.
posted by bunderful at 4:37 AM on December 19, 2013 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Ha I laughed like a horse to many of these, and can not WAIT to try these out. THANKS SO MUCH.

I think a gun show riff/ execution chair???/ "well ever since 9/11"/ and what is ELECTRICITY will be the ones I try out first.
posted by angrycat at 5:23 AM on December 19, 2013 [3 favorites]

"That's the sorta question only ticklebuddies ask each other. Are you my ticklebuddy??" (Make sudden movement toward stranger, ticklers extended, giggling and chortling, specks of saliva flying from your demented grin.)
posted by reverend cuttle at 5:51 AM on December 19, 2013 [5 favorites]

My license to drive one of those things was revoked for plowing down instrusive strangers on the street.
posted by Pax at 5:58 AM on December 19, 2013

"I'm saving up for a Rickshaw."
posted by Mr. Yuck at 5:59 AM on December 19, 2013 [1 favorite]

They won't let me use an electric anymore. Not after what I did to the Vegas police department. (Stare into distance, mutter:) I WILL have revenge. (normal tone) Say, could you help me get one? Just uh, don't say it's for me.
posted by bunderful at 6:31 AM on December 19, 2013

Coach insists. It's one thing to make the team but we've got to stay in training.
posted by Anitanola at 7:04 AM on December 19, 2013 [1 favorite]

"Have you seen how slow those things are?"
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 7:58 AM on December 19, 2013 [1 favorite]

"What? Do you have any idea how heavy those things are? I'd wear my arms out pushing it around all day!"
posted by Now there are two. There are two _______. at 8:22 AM on December 19, 2013 [4 favorites]

"Electrical banana, gonna be the latest craze!"
posted by klangklangston at 8:26 AM on December 19, 2013

"I plan on getting lit up later, so I shouldn't be driving."

(Replace "lit up" with whatever colloquialism for "drunk" is common in West Philly.)
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 2:55 PM on December 19, 2013 [1 favorite]

"Oh, there's nothing wrong with my legs. I'm just reeeeeeally hammered right now".
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 3:41 PM on December 19, 2013 [3 favorites]

"But then we wouldn't have anything to talk about!"
posted by klangklangston at 5:48 PM on December 19, 2013

Why bless your heart for thinking of me - I never would have thought of that - an electric chair - really lay it on thick...
posted by leslies at 7:10 PM on December 19, 2013 [1 favorite]

*shrug* "Court ordered."
posted by klangklangston at 2:11 PM on December 20, 2013 [2 favorites]

"But if I had an electric, I wouldn't meet so many people like you!"

Then pause thoughtfully for an instant (even bring a hand to your lips, perhaps) and say: "Um... what brands do you recommend?"
posted by jamjam at 3:21 PM on December 20, 2013 [3 favorites]

"If I don't wear down my hands, they keep growing, like a beaver's."
posted by klangklangston at 11:08 PM on December 20, 2013 [7 favorites]

Response by poster: this is like some really amazing writing -- i need to travel back through time so that i can use them all.
posted by angrycat at 3:00 AM on December 21, 2013

Response by poster: although i do get asked this like once a week, so maybe i'll go through these in a mere year or two or even ten
posted by angrycat at 3:01 AM on December 21, 2013 [1 favorite]