LDR Distress: did I lose the love of my life?
November 20, 2013 10:18 AM Subscribe
I have been in a (very) long distance relationship that I think might be over. I need closure but I am not sure if I can get it. I am always worried something very bad happened to keep this person from contacting me. I have no idea what to do. Loooong story.
I have been talking to this Canadian woman online since I was 17 (I am 24 now). We agree to meet up one year later and fell deeply in love. Sadly, other relationships came into play and we only kept touch every so often.
About a year ago we started chatting again and things got very romantic. I visited her in Vancouver at the end of August for ten days and we fell madly back in love. We talked every day afterwards, but recently her new job and moving to a new apartment took some time away from her schedule. I was mopey about it. We didn’t argue in any way I felt was aggressive, but I was definitely vocally disappointed with the way things were headed. She would often wake up around 1pm, go into work and be done around 10pm. Trouble is, there’s a three hour time difference between us and I was needy for her affection. Still, we always left each other messages to come home to.
After our last get together I bought her a plane ticket to come visit me in December when I could have some time off from work. She couldn’t afford it, but I had enough that I thought buying early would save me some money. I was really looking forward to it.
After a few more bouts of her breaking promises of being around at certain times, I began to get more desperate and vocally dissatisfied. She sent me an email expressing her frustration, and then ignored me for a day. Then things were fine again.
Recently I have been under a lot of stress (phd committee meetings, roommate problems, etc.) and realize I have been relying on her too much for emotional support. After another outburst (basically admitting I had sobbed over her not being around again during our scheduled “hangout”), she texted me that me she “can’t do this right now” but would be back tomorrow to talk about it. This was a week ago. I haven’t heard from her since.
Despite the likelihood that she has just decided to be done with me, I can’t help but wonder if something awful has happened. Her gmail “hangouts” name has been idle for six days, meaning she has not disturbed her computer or phone but has remained logged in. I haven’t tried to contact her since Sunday, when I placed one unanswered phone call.
I am worried if I try to move on (throw away our mutual gifts, deleting our pictures, dating other people etc.), she may come back into my life and I will have serious regrets. I am worried about this plane ticket going unused and wasted. I am worried about her.
I understand that sometimes long distance relationships don’t always work out, but it seems unlike her to go this far in avoiding me after a lot of “I love yous”, mutual affection, and talking literally every day for a year.
Should I try again to contact her? Would it be strange to facebook message her sisters just to see if she is okay? I really do believe that just knowing she is out there (even if she’s dumping me) would take a huge weight off of my shoulders. I am constantly anxious about my situation and would really appreciate the closure, even if the circumstances are sad. I don’t know what to do.
I have been talking to this Canadian woman online since I was 17 (I am 24 now). We agree to meet up one year later and fell deeply in love. Sadly, other relationships came into play and we only kept touch every so often.
About a year ago we started chatting again and things got very romantic. I visited her in Vancouver at the end of August for ten days and we fell madly back in love. We talked every day afterwards, but recently her new job and moving to a new apartment took some time away from her schedule. I was mopey about it. We didn’t argue in any way I felt was aggressive, but I was definitely vocally disappointed with the way things were headed. She would often wake up around 1pm, go into work and be done around 10pm. Trouble is, there’s a three hour time difference between us and I was needy for her affection. Still, we always left each other messages to come home to.
After our last get together I bought her a plane ticket to come visit me in December when I could have some time off from work. She couldn’t afford it, but I had enough that I thought buying early would save me some money. I was really looking forward to it.
After a few more bouts of her breaking promises of being around at certain times, I began to get more desperate and vocally dissatisfied. She sent me an email expressing her frustration, and then ignored me for a day. Then things were fine again.
Recently I have been under a lot of stress (phd committee meetings, roommate problems, etc.) and realize I have been relying on her too much for emotional support. After another outburst (basically admitting I had sobbed over her not being around again during our scheduled “hangout”), she texted me that me she “can’t do this right now” but would be back tomorrow to talk about it. This was a week ago. I haven’t heard from her since.
Despite the likelihood that she has just decided to be done with me, I can’t help but wonder if something awful has happened. Her gmail “hangouts” name has been idle for six days, meaning she has not disturbed her computer or phone but has remained logged in. I haven’t tried to contact her since Sunday, when I placed one unanswered phone call.
I am worried if I try to move on (throw away our mutual gifts, deleting our pictures, dating other people etc.), she may come back into my life and I will have serious regrets. I am worried about this plane ticket going unused and wasted. I am worried about her.
I understand that sometimes long distance relationships don’t always work out, but it seems unlike her to go this far in avoiding me after a lot of “I love yous”, mutual affection, and talking literally every day for a year.
Should I try again to contact her? Would it be strange to facebook message her sisters just to see if she is okay? I really do believe that just knowing she is out there (even if she’s dumping me) would take a huge weight off of my shoulders. I am constantly anxious about my situation and would really appreciate the closure, even if the circumstances are sad. I don’t know what to do.
A week is not long at all. She has already told you to back off, and if you want to preserve any chance of her remembering what it was she fell in love with, you definitely should not engage in the behavior that is putting her off.
Find a therapist to work on your anxiety issues and to lean on emotionally so that she doesn't have to bear the burden of your emotions. The more you can stand on your own two feet, the better your relationships will be -- with her or without her. The best relationships are between two people who *want* to be together rather than *need* the other person to complete them.
Take a deep breath. If you don't think she is totally irresponsible, you can bet that she will contact you some time before the date of the plane ticket so that you can have some certainty. But don't bug her, don't freak out, give it some time.
posted by janey47 at 10:26 AM on November 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
Find a therapist to work on your anxiety issues and to lean on emotionally so that she doesn't have to bear the burden of your emotions. The more you can stand on your own two feet, the better your relationships will be -- with her or without her. The best relationships are between two people who *want* to be together rather than *need* the other person to complete them.
Take a deep breath. If you don't think she is totally irresponsible, you can bet that she will contact you some time before the date of the plane ticket so that you can have some certainty. But don't bug her, don't freak out, give it some time.
posted by janey47 at 10:26 AM on November 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
Occam's Relationship Razor: all things being equal, it is much, MUCH likelier that your (now-ex) partner has broken up with you in a callous, cruel fashion than it is that she's lying dead in a ditch somewhere.
I know what that wrenching anxiety is like, and I feel for you. You've still gotta cease contact. If need be, do strenuous physical activity (running sprints, chopping wood, punching throw pillows) until the urge subsides. It'll be agonizing now. A month from now, you'll be glad you refrained.
posted by julthumbscrew at 10:27 AM on November 20, 2013 [4 favorites]
I know what that wrenching anxiety is like, and I feel for you. You've still gotta cease contact. If need be, do strenuous physical activity (running sprints, chopping wood, punching throw pillows) until the urge subsides. It'll be agonizing now. A month from now, you'll be glad you refrained.
posted by julthumbscrew at 10:27 AM on November 20, 2013 [4 favorites]
It is very unlikely that her absence is caused by an untimely disaster that hit just at the exact time your communications were also breaking down. Much more likely she is choosing not to be in touch with you. It is natural that you should be worried about her, but there is really nothing you can do to help her if she is in some trouble -- nothing that her family and those closer to her would not already know about and be dealing with. Do not message her sisters. Focus on yourself for a while and find ways to be happy without her. Cancel her ticket if it's bothering you. Try not to need her for a while. You may get your closure in the future, or you may not, but either way you need to find resources within yourself to handle this.
posted by PercussivePaul at 10:28 AM on November 20, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by PercussivePaul at 10:28 AM on November 20, 2013 [3 favorites]
Look. Even if she stuck under a bookcase somewhere, there are a lot of other people closer to her who will be worried by her absence and able to save her. Like her local friends and family.
It's way more likely that she's just breaking up with you, which sucks, but this is very much an untenable situation anyway. You sound miserable with things as they are, and like you need or want more than what she's giving you even when you ARE speaking to each other.
I am worried if I try to move on (throw away our mutual gifts, deleting our pictures, dating other people etc.), she may come back into my life and I will have serious regrets. Everyone worries this when going through something like this. But you can't close the door to other people who might be better for you in the hopes of leaving it open a crack for someone who makes you sad.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 10:38 AM on November 20, 2013 [6 favorites]
It's way more likely that she's just breaking up with you, which sucks, but this is very much an untenable situation anyway. You sound miserable with things as they are, and like you need or want more than what she's giving you even when you ARE speaking to each other.
I am worried if I try to move on (throw away our mutual gifts, deleting our pictures, dating other people etc.), she may come back into my life and I will have serious regrets. Everyone worries this when going through something like this. But you can't close the door to other people who might be better for you in the hopes of leaving it open a crack for someone who makes you sad.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 10:38 AM on November 20, 2013 [6 favorites]
Should I try again to contact her?
Nope.
Would it be strange to facebook message her sisters just to see if she is okay?
Yes. Because you're not really asking, "Is she okay?", you're asking them to tell her that you miss her terribly, to the point that you're messaging her sisters to ask if she's okay.
I really do believe that just knowing she is out there (even if she’s dumping me) would take a huge weight off of my shoulders.
She's out there. You know this, you really do.
I am worried if I try to move on (throw away our mutual gifts, deleting our pictures, dating other people etc.), she may come back into my life and I will have serious regrets.
Take a break from dating other people. Give it a month or so, just to remove yourself from the relationship you just left. Don't throw away all of that other stuff -- put it in a box in the back of your closet, or burn all the pics to a DVD and give that to a friend and tell him not to give it back unless you really do get back together with her, or something non-permanent that takes away your ability to easily wallow.
posted by Etrigan at 10:46 AM on November 20, 2013 [8 favorites]
Nope.
Would it be strange to facebook message her sisters just to see if she is okay?
Yes. Because you're not really asking, "Is she okay?", you're asking them to tell her that you miss her terribly, to the point that you're messaging her sisters to ask if she's okay.
I really do believe that just knowing she is out there (even if she’s dumping me) would take a huge weight off of my shoulders.
She's out there. You know this, you really do.
I am worried if I try to move on (throw away our mutual gifts, deleting our pictures, dating other people etc.), she may come back into my life and I will have serious regrets.
Take a break from dating other people. Give it a month or so, just to remove yourself from the relationship you just left. Don't throw away all of that other stuff -- put it in a box in the back of your closet, or burn all the pics to a DVD and give that to a friend and tell him not to give it back unless you really do get back together with her, or something non-permanent that takes away your ability to easily wallow.
posted by Etrigan at 10:46 AM on November 20, 2013 [8 favorites]
Closure can't come from an outside source -- it's all your own doing. But it takes time -- you need to grieve.
You didn't cause the break-up by complaining; the situation was difficult for both of you, and there really wasn't a good solution. If you had pretended not to feel frustrated, you'd still be frustrated and still be headed toward a painful breakup a little further along the line.
posted by wryly at 10:46 AM on November 20, 2013
You didn't cause the break-up by complaining; the situation was difficult for both of you, and there really wasn't a good solution. If you had pretended not to feel frustrated, you'd still be frustrated and still be headed toward a painful breakup a little further along the line.
posted by wryly at 10:46 AM on November 20, 2013
I'm so sorry, but your relationship is done. Even if she did eventually reappear (which I wouldn't bet that she will) you deserve to be in a relationship with someone who won't drop off of the face of the planet and basically hide from you. That is shitty behaviour. If this truly is her way of breaking up with you then she is a coward and a bit of a jerk. Maybe she has a legit reason for being MIA, but I really believe that there are very few explanations for radio silence like this where she couldn't at least send you a 5 word text saying she is okay but busy (or whatever).
You aren't going to get the external closure that you're looking for. I would argue that it doesn't even exist. YOU have to find the closure within yourself. Be sad that your relationship has come to an end. Grieve it. But also remember that hey! Maybe now you can date someone who is geographically close to you and that you'll be able to see IN PERSON on a regular basis! That should be an exciting prospect for you.
Best of luck and internet hugs. You can pull through this. And yes, cancel the ticket. Recoop what money you can from it.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 10:54 AM on November 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
You aren't going to get the external closure that you're looking for. I would argue that it doesn't even exist. YOU have to find the closure within yourself. Be sad that your relationship has come to an end. Grieve it. But also remember that hey! Maybe now you can date someone who is geographically close to you and that you'll be able to see IN PERSON on a regular basis! That should be an exciting prospect for you.
Best of luck and internet hugs. You can pull through this. And yes, cancel the ticket. Recoop what money you can from it.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 10:54 AM on November 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
All signs point to you being dumped for being needy and clingy. She told you she "can't do this right now." And if she were lying dead in a ditch somewhere, there would be other people in her life to miss her and figure that out.
posted by jayder at 10:56 AM on November 20, 2013
posted by jayder at 10:56 AM on November 20, 2013
Hang in there. This sucks I know. Its extremely cowardly and shitty to do what she did. It would be so much easier if she had even sent a simple text. Something along the lines of, "We are done. No one's fault, but please don't contact me in the future." It is not unreasonable to expect at least that after seven years. Unfortunately, this is what you got. So, do not contact this woman or her family. Don't be the person who just kept coming back for more punishment. Instead, take some time, grieve the end of the relationship (do not jump in to any new relationships for awhile), focus on straightening out the roomate issues etc. and eventually you'll be ready to try again, maybe with someone a little closer to home. Its cliche but time does heal these things.
posted by WalkerWestridge at 11:13 AM on November 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by WalkerWestridge at 11:13 AM on November 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
Here is how to proceed:
1. Accept that it is over. It sucks that she didn't contact you to tell you that but she probably didn't want to deal with the drama.
2. Put your relationship mementos in a box and stick it away somewhere you won't see it. You don't have to destroy it, just leave it alone for awhile.
3. Get a refund or credit on the plane ticket if you can. If not, put it in the box with the other mementos.
4. Check the obituaries in her local newspaper. If she's not there, she's not dead so you can stop worrying about that.
Now, maybe, possibly it is not over. Who knows, she may really just need some time to think without dealing with your needy-drama. And maybe in a week or a month she'll contact you and let you know what's up. If that happens, you've still got all your relationship doodads, you can rebuy the plane ticket if she still wants to come, and you can figure out your shit from there. You haven't burnt any bridges, you haven't raised any red flags by stalking her via her sisters, you've shown you are capable of giving her some space.
If you haven't heard from her within, say, two months, burn the crap in the box and let that be your closure.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 11:27 AM on November 20, 2013
1. Accept that it is over. It sucks that she didn't contact you to tell you that but she probably didn't want to deal with the drama.
2. Put your relationship mementos in a box and stick it away somewhere you won't see it. You don't have to destroy it, just leave it alone for awhile.
3. Get a refund or credit on the plane ticket if you can. If not, put it in the box with the other mementos.
4. Check the obituaries in her local newspaper. If she's not there, she's not dead so you can stop worrying about that.
Now, maybe, possibly it is not over. Who knows, she may really just need some time to think without dealing with your needy-drama. And maybe in a week or a month she'll contact you and let you know what's up. If that happens, you've still got all your relationship doodads, you can rebuy the plane ticket if she still wants to come, and you can figure out your shit from there. You haven't burnt any bridges, you haven't raised any red flags by stalking her via her sisters, you've shown you are capable of giving her some space.
If you haven't heard from her within, say, two months, burn the crap in the box and let that be your closure.
posted by Serene Empress Dork at 11:27 AM on November 20, 2013
You two have different needs for connection and contact. She likes her space. You like closeness. Even if there was a "second go" at it, I still don't think either of you would be happy. So take this opportunity to let the inevitable happen.
Go and find someone who can reassure you in the way you need it. This will calm your outbursts, make you less needy and make the relationship happier in general.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:47 AM on November 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
Go and find someone who can reassure you in the way you need it. This will calm your outbursts, make you less needy and make the relationship happier in general.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:47 AM on November 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: thanks for the advice everyone. i broke down crying reading all the replies, but i do feel somewhat stronger now.
ruthless bunny, she has not blocked me but is rather avoiding the computer altogether. it's weird if you haven't used google "hangouts" before, but she still appears in my chat-list as idle. blocked users do not appear at all. also, we have both been with other people within the last seven years, but it was only in the last year that things got really intense and we agreed to be "exclusive".
again thank you everyone. i feel so fucked up and am really barely holding on, but i want to make it through this so very very badly. i don't know what to do without her.
posted by his median eminence at 11:51 AM on November 20, 2013
ruthless bunny, she has not blocked me but is rather avoiding the computer altogether. it's weird if you haven't used google "hangouts" before, but she still appears in my chat-list as idle. blocked users do not appear at all. also, we have both been with other people within the last seven years, but it was only in the last year that things got really intense and we agreed to be "exclusive".
again thank you everyone. i feel so fucked up and am really barely holding on, but i want to make it through this so very very badly. i don't know what to do without her.
posted by his median eminence at 11:51 AM on November 20, 2013
I bought her a plane ticket to come visit me in December when I could have some time off from work. She couldn’t afford it
It's pushy of you to just go ahead and buy her a ticket when she says she can't afford it. She might have other plans then (not uncommon in December!), and there are a lot of costs (monetary and otherwise) involved with travel other than a plane ticket that she might not be able to afford.
And right after this you are not hearing from her because she "can't do this right now". Give her some time and space. She may be busy with other things and have a different account for those things. Just because she's idle on one account doesn't mean she hasn't used her computer or phone. (before you object, yes, it's possible to be logged into more than one account on the same computer)
It's kind of up in the air whether she's done with you or not -- there's a saying about setting a bird free that applies here. I think you should take winterhill's advice.
posted by yohko at 12:34 PM on November 20, 2013
It's pushy of you to just go ahead and buy her a ticket when she says she can't afford it. She might have other plans then (not uncommon in December!), and there are a lot of costs (monetary and otherwise) involved with travel other than a plane ticket that she might not be able to afford.
And right after this you are not hearing from her because she "can't do this right now". Give her some time and space. She may be busy with other things and have a different account for those things. Just because she's idle on one account doesn't mean she hasn't used her computer or phone. (before you object, yes, it's possible to be logged into more than one account on the same computer)
It's kind of up in the air whether she's done with you or not -- there's a saying about setting a bird free that applies here. I think you should take winterhill's advice.
posted by yohko at 12:34 PM on November 20, 2013
It is actually not difficult to appear as "idle" in google hangouts while still using it, if you are trying to avoid someone but don't want to go through the step of blocking them.
Consider that there's a reason that the two of you come in and out of each other's lives.
You don't have to do anything today or tomorrow about this. You should be focusing most on the other areas of your life that you can control.
posted by sm1tten at 12:45 PM on November 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
Consider that there's a reason that the two of you come in and out of each other's lives.
You don't have to do anything today or tomorrow about this. You should be focusing most on the other areas of your life that you can control.
posted by sm1tten at 12:45 PM on November 20, 2013 [1 favorite]
I wanted to come back and say, she was not the love of your life. She was/is someone you love. But thank goodness we can have lots of love in our lives and we don't just get one chance at it.
I surely hope you know that this was not a healthy relationship. Healthy relationships move forward and each participant grows and prospers within them. If one party is needy and anxious, and the other is impatient or annoyed, this does not bode well.
Grieve your relationship, appreciate what WAS good in it, but realize that it was dysfunctional on many levels and that ultimately it wasn't a good relationship...for you.
Give yourself some time to mourn. See friends, knuckle-down on your studies, get out and do productive things. Take a road trip for a few days to blow the cobwebs out of your head.
You may also want to explore in therapy why it is that you became desperate and needy, or why you were 'in a relationship' with someone who is in essence, unavailable to you.
Here is what you will do without her:
1. You will finish your Ph.D.
2. You will either move to a new situation or deal with your roommates.
3. You will meet new people.
4. You will travel.
5. You will volunteer.
6. You will mope a bit and lick your wounds.
7. You will learn from this.
Please learn this one thing above all else: You are exes for a reason, so getting back together has diminishing returns. This time you got a year out of it. If you lose your mind and get back together after this you may get 3 months. But no matter what, it will HURT THE SAME when you break up. So DON'T GET BACK TOGETHER WITH HER!
This is an awful lot of Dramaz. With all of your emotional turmoil, I suspect you enjoy Dramaz. Don't be a Drama Llama.
Use this holiday season to be introspective to reflect on things and to resolve not to do them again.
You will be okay. Not right now, not tomorrow, but soon. Just stop all the renting of your garments and your idealization of this dysfunctional relationship, and just BE.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 1:12 PM on November 20, 2013 [12 favorites]
I surely hope you know that this was not a healthy relationship. Healthy relationships move forward and each participant grows and prospers within them. If one party is needy and anxious, and the other is impatient or annoyed, this does not bode well.
Grieve your relationship, appreciate what WAS good in it, but realize that it was dysfunctional on many levels and that ultimately it wasn't a good relationship...for you.
Give yourself some time to mourn. See friends, knuckle-down on your studies, get out and do productive things. Take a road trip for a few days to blow the cobwebs out of your head.
You may also want to explore in therapy why it is that you became desperate and needy, or why you were 'in a relationship' with someone who is in essence, unavailable to you.
Here is what you will do without her:
1. You will finish your Ph.D.
2. You will either move to a new situation or deal with your roommates.
3. You will meet new people.
4. You will travel.
5. You will volunteer.
6. You will mope a bit and lick your wounds.
7. You will learn from this.
Please learn this one thing above all else: You are exes for a reason, so getting back together has diminishing returns. This time you got a year out of it. If you lose your mind and get back together after this you may get 3 months. But no matter what, it will HURT THE SAME when you break up. So DON'T GET BACK TOGETHER WITH HER!
This is an awful lot of Dramaz. With all of your emotional turmoil, I suspect you enjoy Dramaz. Don't be a Drama Llama.
Use this holiday season to be introspective to reflect on things and to resolve not to do them again.
You will be okay. Not right now, not tomorrow, but soon. Just stop all the renting of your garments and your idealization of this dysfunctional relationship, and just BE.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 1:12 PM on November 20, 2013 [12 favorites]
Of everything that you do right now, DO NOT contact her friends/family. It will get back to her and if she thought you were clingy before, it will push the buttons from "needy" to "stalkerish." There is no more guaranteed way to alienate her right now than to start poking around in her personal life.
I think you need to move on as if this relationship is over and do what you need to do to get closure. Maybe she'll come around, but it's better to assume that she won't rather than stressing yourself out waiting for it.
Best of luck.
posted by sonika at 1:26 PM on November 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
I think you need to move on as if this relationship is over and do what you need to do to get closure. Maybe she'll come around, but it's better to assume that she won't rather than stressing yourself out waiting for it.
Best of luck.
posted by sonika at 1:26 PM on November 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
Best answer: i don't know what to do without her.
Yeah, that's probably the root of the problem. She knows it, maybe too well. If you've been LD for a year, do you have hard plans in motion to permanently end that situation? Have you (you personally, not the "couple you") done work to close the distance? Saved money, done paperwork, etc? Do you know for sure who is going to have to move to which country? Because a year is not too long to be separated from someone, but more than a year and one starts to realize one's life is on pause, always waiting for a happier tomorrow that never arrives. It becomes the elephant in the relationship.
Be careful of the LD trap of making a person into your living diary. It may be warm and comfortable to have a constantly listening ear, but it must be a temporary situation. She knows what you do every day and weekend. It's been long enough for her to see the long term patterns of your life, and for her to begin to guess if the future she pictures in her head matches what reality with you is likely to bring. Do you have other close friends? Hobbies that you are passionate about? Do you pursue other interests and goals? Are you physically active? If all she hears is a stream of what is wrong with your life ("I'm so glad you are here to listen to me tell you what is wrong with my day/life because I have no friends and I really wish we were together but I can't do XYZ step to make that happen because of such-and-such") ... well, it's going to become obvious at some point that this is what she's signing up for. Not temporarily, but for the next year, five years, decade ... (She is definitely not handling this well - it would be more adult and nice of her to communicate clearly with her, but nobody handles all situations perfectly when it comes to matters of the heart. We all make immature mistakes.)
And it cuts very deep to get that rejection from someone who knows so much intimate detail about your life, who has slipped into being your lifeline. It's possible this is not the end of your relationship, but the answer to surviving the breakup OR salvaging the relationship is the same. Get a life. Make some goals and start pursuing them. If/once you make contact with her, speak plainly, be honest and drop the extreme emotions. In the question you make this all about you and your needs and don't leave any room for her needs, like "I need a boyfriend who is present in my life" or "I need my life to be moving forward" or "I want to have kids in the next five years and I need to get my ducks in order or it won't happen". You're going to need to listen to what she has to say carefully, compare your future goals and decide if they're achievable, and if not ... end it. Let her go so she can move forward. It may be extremely difficult to do. If you found her, take heart in that it is possible to find someone else.
Do not contact her sisters - it will not come out well. Wait until she gets back to you, and then don't dump your emotional overload on her. Be patient and calm. See what can be done. If nothing, suck it up, chalk it up to life, and move on. (Maybe cry for a while, then move on.)
posted by griselda at 5:18 PM on November 20, 2013 [3 favorites]
Yeah, that's probably the root of the problem. She knows it, maybe too well. If you've been LD for a year, do you have hard plans in motion to permanently end that situation? Have you (you personally, not the "couple you") done work to close the distance? Saved money, done paperwork, etc? Do you know for sure who is going to have to move to which country? Because a year is not too long to be separated from someone, but more than a year and one starts to realize one's life is on pause, always waiting for a happier tomorrow that never arrives. It becomes the elephant in the relationship.
Be careful of the LD trap of making a person into your living diary. It may be warm and comfortable to have a constantly listening ear, but it must be a temporary situation. She knows what you do every day and weekend. It's been long enough for her to see the long term patterns of your life, and for her to begin to guess if the future she pictures in her head matches what reality with you is likely to bring. Do you have other close friends? Hobbies that you are passionate about? Do you pursue other interests and goals? Are you physically active? If all she hears is a stream of what is wrong with your life ("I'm so glad you are here to listen to me tell you what is wrong with my day/life because I have no friends and I really wish we were together but I can't do XYZ step to make that happen because of such-and-such") ... well, it's going to become obvious at some point that this is what she's signing up for. Not temporarily, but for the next year, five years, decade ... (She is definitely not handling this well - it would be more adult and nice of her to communicate clearly with her, but nobody handles all situations perfectly when it comes to matters of the heart. We all make immature mistakes.)
And it cuts very deep to get that rejection from someone who knows so much intimate detail about your life, who has slipped into being your lifeline. It's possible this is not the end of your relationship, but the answer to surviving the breakup OR salvaging the relationship is the same. Get a life. Make some goals and start pursuing them. If/once you make contact with her, speak plainly, be honest and drop the extreme emotions. In the question you make this all about you and your needs and don't leave any room for her needs, like "I need a boyfriend who is present in my life" or "I need my life to be moving forward" or "I want to have kids in the next five years and I need to get my ducks in order or it won't happen". You're going to need to listen to what she has to say carefully, compare your future goals and decide if they're achievable, and if not ... end it. Let her go so she can move forward. It may be extremely difficult to do. If you found her, take heart in that it is possible to find someone else.
Do not contact her sisters - it will not come out well. Wait until she gets back to you, and then don't dump your emotional overload on her. Be patient and calm. See what can be done. If nothing, suck it up, chalk it up to life, and move on. (Maybe cry for a while, then move on.)
posted by griselda at 5:18 PM on November 20, 2013 [3 favorites]
About being idle on Google Hangouts, it's possible that she's logged in to Hangouts on her smartphone and simply minimised the app. I always appear as idle except when I open the application to talk to someone. She's not going to be idle on Google Hangouts if she's dead, because her phone will eventually run out of battery or her computer will be switched off and managed as part of her Estate. [/morbid]
Think about it -- do you really want to be with someone who cannot calmly put her cards on the table when there's a conflict? If you can't even calmly talk problems out now when you have not yet enmeshed your lives together, how about later when you're planning which relatives not to invite to your wedding, deciding whether to stop having kids, deciding whether to live near your parents or her parents or how to manage your money? It's not even anyone's fault, it just seems to be that you're incompatible. That's okay. But don't close yourself off to the possibility of being with someone you could be happier with, without the same amount of drama. Relationships don't have to be this hard, and you don't deserve to be with someone who runs away and keeps you in suspense whenever there's a conflict.
Would it be strange to facebook message her sisters just to see if she is okay? I really do believe that just knowing she is out there (even if she’s dumping me) would take a huge weight off of my shoulders. I am constantly anxious about my situation and would really appreciate the closure, even if the circumstances are sad.
Nooo, don't message her sisters, it'll probably piss her off even more, maybe even unforgivably. What you need to do is tell yourself that you're not going to let this situation go on for longer than it already has (7 years without either of you making moves to be together). Some people have been in this situation for even longer, sometimes until their chances of finding someone suitable become more remote because of age or other considerations. Don't let this be you.
posted by rozaine at 11:29 PM on November 20, 2013
Think about it -- do you really want to be with someone who cannot calmly put her cards on the table when there's a conflict? If you can't even calmly talk problems out now when you have not yet enmeshed your lives together, how about later when you're planning which relatives not to invite to your wedding, deciding whether to stop having kids, deciding whether to live near your parents or her parents or how to manage your money? It's not even anyone's fault, it just seems to be that you're incompatible. That's okay. But don't close yourself off to the possibility of being with someone you could be happier with, without the same amount of drama. Relationships don't have to be this hard, and you don't deserve to be with someone who runs away and keeps you in suspense whenever there's a conflict.
Would it be strange to facebook message her sisters just to see if she is okay? I really do believe that just knowing she is out there (even if she’s dumping me) would take a huge weight off of my shoulders. I am constantly anxious about my situation and would really appreciate the closure, even if the circumstances are sad.
Nooo, don't message her sisters, it'll probably piss her off even more, maybe even unforgivably. What you need to do is tell yourself that you're not going to let this situation go on for longer than it already has (7 years without either of you making moves to be together). Some people have been in this situation for even longer, sometimes until their chances of finding someone suitable become more remote because of age or other considerations. Don't let this be you.
posted by rozaine at 11:29 PM on November 20, 2013
I have no idea what she's thinking but you really need to just back off for now, which is going to be hard. You need to try to stop thinking about her and focus on other aspects of your life.
I know that just knowing she is okay would calm you right down but you really shouldn't contact her or her family and even if you did, I don't think it would give you the info you need.
Whatever happened, whether you were too pushy and clingy or whatever it was, she can't deal with your relationship right now. Even so, I don't think the way she is handling this is considerate, loving or mature and if I were you I would really think about whether you want or can handle a partner who behaves like this in your relationship.
She knows you want to hear from her and she left it as that she would get back to you. You've tried to call her. So I think we can safely assume that she knows you want to contact her and that she'd find a way to contact you if she could. I think it's also safe to assume that she's okay. I do think she will eventually contact you again though I don't know that she wants a relationship with you. So try to think about other things and when she does get back to you, if you want a conversation or any kind of answers or closure then you're going to have to try to act calm or else she will probably bolt again.
posted by Polychrome at 3:02 AM on November 21, 2013
I know that just knowing she is okay would calm you right down but you really shouldn't contact her or her family and even if you did, I don't think it would give you the info you need.
Whatever happened, whether you were too pushy and clingy or whatever it was, she can't deal with your relationship right now. Even so, I don't think the way she is handling this is considerate, loving or mature and if I were you I would really think about whether you want or can handle a partner who behaves like this in your relationship.
She knows you want to hear from her and she left it as that she would get back to you. You've tried to call her. So I think we can safely assume that she knows you want to contact her and that she'd find a way to contact you if she could. I think it's also safe to assume that she's okay. I do think she will eventually contact you again though I don't know that she wants a relationship with you. So try to think about other things and when she does get back to you, if you want a conversation or any kind of answers or closure then you're going to have to try to act calm or else she will probably bolt again.
posted by Polychrome at 3:02 AM on November 21, 2013
She has dumped you, you should dump her too.
If she were to contact you back as soon as you finish reading this thread, would you really take it as a given that you would take her back? That wouldn't make you a boyfriend, someone in a mutual and loving relationship; what it would do is make you something you don't want to be. Your relationship with her, along with any hope of a continued and healthy relationship with her is already over. If she were to want to come back into your life and you were to still want her in yours, perhaps that wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing, but if it were to happen it would be a hell of a lot healthier for both of you if you were to think of your past relationship as over and that as the start of negotiating a new one. To be honest though, even that wouldn't sound like the best of ideas.
As far as moving forward now, I've found that the best way to internalize shitty emotional things that hurt is to first acknowledge that it hurts and then channel that focus into productive things that I wouldn't otherwise want to do. Clean your whole house, repair broken things, scrub your toilet, organize your desktop and files, do that other thing you've been putting off, or just about anything that is also going to suck because hey - it couldn't make you feel worse right? But then soon enough your house will be clean, your stuff won't be broken, your toilet will sparkle, your computer will be more useful and you won't feel any worse while you're making that happen. All you can do is live well anyway, might as well use how much this seems to suck for you to do the things that would make otherwise better times suck a bit but can't touch you now. You'll also be in a much better position mentally and emotionally to live well with that cleaned and repaired stuff of yours, which is all you can really do anyway.
posted by Blasdelb at 4:35 AM on November 21, 2013
If she were to contact you back as soon as you finish reading this thread, would you really take it as a given that you would take her back? That wouldn't make you a boyfriend, someone in a mutual and loving relationship; what it would do is make you something you don't want to be. Your relationship with her, along with any hope of a continued and healthy relationship with her is already over. If she were to want to come back into your life and you were to still want her in yours, perhaps that wouldn't necessarily be a bad thing, but if it were to happen it would be a hell of a lot healthier for both of you if you were to think of your past relationship as over and that as the start of negotiating a new one. To be honest though, even that wouldn't sound like the best of ideas.
As far as moving forward now, I've found that the best way to internalize shitty emotional things that hurt is to first acknowledge that it hurts and then channel that focus into productive things that I wouldn't otherwise want to do. Clean your whole house, repair broken things, scrub your toilet, organize your desktop and files, do that other thing you've been putting off, or just about anything that is also going to suck because hey - it couldn't make you feel worse right? But then soon enough your house will be clean, your stuff won't be broken, your toilet will sparkle, your computer will be more useful and you won't feel any worse while you're making that happen. All you can do is live well anyway, might as well use how much this seems to suck for you to do the things that would make otherwise better times suck a bit but can't touch you now. You'll also be in a much better position mentally and emotionally to live well with that cleaned and repaired stuff of yours, which is all you can really do anyway.
posted by Blasdelb at 4:35 AM on November 21, 2013
Response by poster: I heard back from her on Wednesday. She said she needs some time and "we'll talk soon"
I think everyone here is right and that's it is truly over. I feel completely uprooted and like this isn't even the same person I saw and fell in love with a few months ago.
Although we talked for seven years off and on, we didn't decided to be in an LDR until after this last trip. Before agreeing to entering into this relationship, I told her about my issues with anxiety and attachment and how I was worried about entering into something so certain. She reassured me she was "all in" and I guess I just decided to at least pretend to believe nothing wrong would happen.
If/when she does eventually get back to me, I hope I am strong enough to resist any prospect of getting back together. I feel desperate still, but I know this not the right way to feel in a relationship. Hearing back from her gave me some measure of closure that has definitely lifted a weight off my shoulders, but I know things will not be the same again.
thanks again everyone. i can honestly say i have never appreciated the kindness of strangers so much. i think a lot of my more intense emotions stem from disbelief at how many replies i received to this long-winded sad-sack of a tale. and how much i better i feel after reading every one of them
posted by his median eminence at 8:31 AM on November 22, 2013 [3 favorites]
I think everyone here is right and that's it is truly over. I feel completely uprooted and like this isn't even the same person I saw and fell in love with a few months ago.
Although we talked for seven years off and on, we didn't decided to be in an LDR until after this last trip. Before agreeing to entering into this relationship, I told her about my issues with anxiety and attachment and how I was worried about entering into something so certain. She reassured me she was "all in" and I guess I just decided to at least pretend to believe nothing wrong would happen.
If/when she does eventually get back to me, I hope I am strong enough to resist any prospect of getting back together. I feel desperate still, but I know this not the right way to feel in a relationship. Hearing back from her gave me some measure of closure that has definitely lifted a weight off my shoulders, but I know things will not be the same again.
thanks again everyone. i can honestly say i have never appreciated the kindness of strangers so much. i think a lot of my more intense emotions stem from disbelief at how many replies i received to this long-winded sad-sack of a tale. and how much i better i feel after reading every one of them
posted by his median eminence at 8:31 AM on November 22, 2013 [3 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
As for the plane ticket, if it's electronic, cancel it and see how much of your money you can get back.
It sounds like she blocked you and changed all of her id's, much like we tell folks to do. Although it is shitty of her not to let you know.
Assume that you've broken up, and act accordingly.
7 years is TOO LONG to be in an LDR. If either of you were serious, you would have made it happen long ago.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 10:23 AM on November 20, 2013 [19 favorites]