One night stand is driving me mad

April 5, 2012 9:23 AM

Why do we want ppl the more they don't want us and how can I start talking myself out of really bad ideas? (e.g. - once I get an idea *usually bad* in my head to do something, I rationalize to the hilt why I should follow through and always end up doing it) Help me find balance! ....

I've left the guy from my last question alone for a month now. I ignored him in class and blocked his fb so I wouldn't look at it. Unfortunately, I talked myself into looking recently and now I feel sick to my stomach b/c of the links he's been exchanging w/ one particular girl (an old friend he seems very close to)...

I feel crazy for thinking about him b/c I don't think he has given me one thought. I've gone on 2 dates since and flirted w/ other guys. I've backed out on dates and turned down others bc I'm not as attracted to them as I was to him and it feels like a step down... my mind and heart still seems to be on the one who doesn't want me. Maybe b/c he seemed so genuinely good and exemplified "my type" while the other guys seem so fake or are drunkards (eg. - although he drinks he never lost his frame and got drunk around me like one of my dates.) Yet I know he isn't good b/c of the way he treated me at the end. ALTHOUGH I feel like I might've backed away slowly if a guy had played their cards the way I did - so can I really say he is no good?

I can't get this out of my head! I don't want to, but I think about the part I played in driving him off and why I acted this way (not being cool, being impatient & overeager, being aggressive and making it way too easy.. I kick myself and am embarrassed - I wonder what the hell happened to my confidence and pride and what made me bend them when I became the chaser and we lost the push/pull dynamic (talking myself into bad ideas constantly)

Also, this girl from fb is not very attractive imo (I know I'm biased) and it's killing me! Idk - I want to stop feeling this way pronto! What else can I do or tell myself that can shift my emotions and stop the crazy? How can I prevent myself from justifying bad decisions in the future and how can I convince myself that if a guy doesn't want me to back off, instead of trying to make him (although it temporarily worked in this case) when I have a pro-active/take charge outlook on life and hate feeling powerless? Is it even wrong to try - haven't we all come to like people who we may have initially dismissed?

posted by soooo to Human Relations (16 answers total)

1) This is very hard to read with all the unnecessary abbreviations. There are no character limits here (at least not ones that you need to worry about), and it would be much easier to understand what you're saying if you used complete words, just for any future questions.

2) The answers are basically the same as your last question. You backed off and it started helping, and when you engaged again it hurt, so you know you should back off again. A month is not enough time, clearly. You just need to move on with your life. It doesn't matter if he's no good or not -- he doesn't like you. He doesn't want you. He never will. This doesn't reflect at all on him or on you, it's just a fact. You can't control people, even if you want to. That is just something you need to accept. I know you feel like it will never get out of your head, but it will. Continue to block him, continue to ignore him, continue to have your own life, separate from him.
posted by brainmouse at 9:42 AM on April 5, 2012 [5 favorites]

Why do we want ppl the more they don't want us .

Well, not everyone does. Those who do seem unable to tolerate the feeling of being rejected. Once you accept that you can't interest him the way you'd like to and that that's OK (and not really a reflection on your worth), you will be able to move on.
posted by Obscure Reference at 9:53 AM on April 5, 2012 [7 favorites]

What else can I do or tell myself that can shift my emotions and stop the crazy?

Talk to a counselor. In the meantime continue with the 'no contact' you originally placed on yourself in regard to this guy. You recognize that this isn't good for you, so until you get some support and learn why you are doing this to yourself, no contact (see him at school? Nod in his direction and move on or put your nose back in your book).
posted by marimeko at 9:56 AM on April 5, 2012 [1 favorite]

Why do we want ppl the more they don't want us

What do you mean "we", kemosabe? This isn't a universal quality, it's a bug in your code. (A bug a lot of people have, admittedly.)

I have no idea where this bug came from. You could try reading Facing Codependence by Mellody, Miller, and Miller, or you could meet with a therapist, or you could do some introspection. Or all three.

Take-charge attitudes are great, but you can only take charge of your own life and your own emotions and your own actions, not anybody else's. It isn't a bigger "victory" to start a relationship with someone who isn't into you--nobody's awarding difficulty points, like they do in diving.

Life isn't like romantic comedies, where people pursue reluctant partners until the happy ending. In almost all cases, people who have happy relationships with each other are people who like each other, get to know each other, and choose mutually to take things further.
posted by Sidhedevil at 9:56 AM on April 5, 2012 [17 favorites]

He's Just Not That Into You, by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo, has some useful stuff about this cycle of "pursuing unavailable guys" amidst all the blah blah girls are like this guys are like that static.
posted by Sidhedevil at 9:57 AM on April 5, 2012

You mentioned "drunkards" in the plural when you were referring to dates. Sure, heavy drinking is common amongst young men (and women) but it's not universal - getting plastered every single weekend (or more) is really not that common. (At least IME. Perhaps I'm just old and times have changed and it really IS common. Still, it's not a healthy relationship dynamic.)

You might want to look into Al-Anon. It's not just for spouses or relatives of alcoholics. Especially if there is a history of substance abuse in your family, your issues of only being able to be attracted to unavailable people might be an issue related to that. In any case, Al-Anon is a great place to learn about boundaries, co-dependence, and how to deal with and absolve yourself of responsibility for things you cannot control.

If you don't want to go to Al-Anon, please consider counseling for yourself. What Sidhedevil said: people who have happy relationships with each other are people who like each other, get to know each other, and choose mutually to take things further. THIS is the relationship dynamic you want and if it doesn't come easily to you, a good therapist is an immense help.

(And please stop with the abbreviations. It makes your post much harder to read and understand.)
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 10:15 AM on April 5, 2012 [2 favorites]

And P.S.: You can't MAKE someone like you. Even if you are better-looking than the other person. People are sold a bill of goods about "how to make someone like you!" While things like good personal hygiene, good manners, treating others kindly, basic human relations skills DO make a difference, the idea that "if you're pretty enough and accommodate his wishes he'll like you" or "if you earn enough and buy her flowers and are a Nice Guy (tm) she'll like you) is a load of bullshit. People are attracted to all kinds of people, and yes, a man just might pick the plainer girl because he likes her and is attracted to her for all sorts of reasons. (I read somewhere that Brad Pitt found Jennifer Aniston "boring" - her looks and fame notwithstanding.)

Please remember that there are millions of eligible men out there and at least one of them WILL find you attractive and you will find HIM attractive. It's not all or nothing. Only being attracted to those you can't have is not human nature, it's a destructive way of relating that can be changed.
posted by Rosie M. Banks at 10:23 AM on April 5, 2012 [1 favorite]

You have to stop going over this in your head, on ask mefi, with your friends, on facebook, anywhere with anyone. You are ruminating. You will never get the answers to your questions. The time is passed. It's over. The question you want to ask is how do I stop ruminating about this? The answer is you force yourself away from thoughts of him, of this new girl, you distract yourself, you block him, you remain stalwart in your blockade, you enlist a friend to help you, and you resist every urge to talk about this situation, you STOP seeking answers to these unanswerable questions. There is nothing left to "talk out." This is getting you nowhere. It is time to move on. Just stop.
posted by Katine at 10:24 AM on April 5, 2012 [9 favorites]

What else can I do or tell myself that can shift my emotions and stop the crazy?

Slow down. You are thinking and thinking and thinking like you can think yourself out of crazy if you just think the whole thing out from every single angle and detail and then once you understand it all from every perspective you'll finally be able to understand and be free from having to obsess over everything that happened.

Stop. You can't obsess yourself out of obsession.

There's no deeper meaning. You had a brief and unsatisfying thing with someone, and it didn't end the way you wanted it to. You are not going to get closure on it because there's no it to get closure on. Let it go. It's already gone.

Just breathe. Focus on breathing. In and out. Think about what your feet are doing; feel them being warm or cool or however they are, maybe notice the pulse of blood going through them. Get out of your head. Breathe, and focus on your feet. Notice how this feels. This will help stop the crazy.
posted by gauche at 10:28 AM on April 5, 2012 [3 favorites]

First, it doesn't matter whether you think the girl on facebook is attractive. If the guy does, then he does. Nothing you can do about it.

Second, you might want to re-think about what being proactive means. If you really want to take charge and stop feeling powerless, then stop allowing someone else's actions and feelings to control your own well-being. You can only control yourself and your own actions. Keep that in mind and you will get your power back and you will feel like you have control over your circumstances.

Lastly, I think one very important quality of a proactive person is being able to figure out when something is worth pursuing and when it's time to throw in the towel and move on.
posted by fromageball at 10:33 AM on April 5, 2012 [6 favorites]

I think you need to get some professional help with this stuff. You're a student, right? Maybe check out the mental health services that your school offers. I think you have some deeper issues that you need to be exploring. I think by doing that you'll get a better perspective on what makes it so impossible for you to let this situation go.

What really strikes me is this: also, this girl from fb is not very attractive imo (I know I'm biased) and it's killing me! First off, I'd like to remind you that beauty is in the eye of the beholder. As cliché as that sounds, it's the truth. Attraction isn't so easily defined, and just because you think you look better than someone, doesn't mean the rest of the world has to agree with you.

I'm also fined it a little strange how many times you say "we." The way you feel is not the way the rest of the world feels. Some people maybe, but you can't generalize like this. I know plenty of people who are not interested in people who are not interested in them. I'm not. What really turns me on is when someone wants me. It feels awesome to be desired, it's very exhilarating.

gauche also gives you some excellent advice on what you can do at this very moment: Just breathe. Focus on breathing. In and out. Think about what your feet are doing; feel them being warm or cool or however they are, maybe notice the pulse of blood going through them. Get out of your head. Breathe, and focus on your feet. Notice how this feels.

I also agree with what fromageball says about being proactive and what that actually means: If you really want to take charge and stop feeling powerless, then stop allowing someone else's actions and feelings to control your own well-being. You can only control yourself and your own actions. Keep that in mind and you will get your power back and you will feel like you have control over your circumstances.

I think you need to learn how to take back control, because honestly - from reading this question and your previous question, you seem to have very limited control over your actions and your emotions. Only when you can have some say over your emotions and your actions will you stop feeling powerless. Be proactive by taking responsibility for your own emotional health.

Good luck with everything. You deserve to happy and in control.

Also, if you can help it, please stop with the abbreviations. People put a lot of time and effort into crafting their responses, and I would suggest you do this when writing your questions.
posted by OsoMeaty at 11:16 AM on April 5, 2012 [4 favorites]

I used to obsess over unavailable people when I was younger. Looking back on it now, it looks like I was using these crushes to avoid dealing with problems in my own life. And sure enough, the stress would start to dissipate when I started investing my energy in other things like working out and relationships with my friends and family instead.

Once I got enough distance from these situations, I realized it's reciprocity or nothing. A person who is good for you will recognize that you are good for them, and will treat you well right off the bat. Not diamonds or anything, because that's just creepy, but they'll be good to you in ways that are proportionate/commensurate to how well they know you.

(Another thing that helped break me of this habit may be that I actually wound up dating one or two of these people, eventually. It sucked. I mean, it really, really sucks dating someone who isn't into you nearly as much as you're into them.)

And, finally, things started getting a lot better when I started viewing myself as someone tasked with giving approval rather than getting it. In some ways, it's harder to do this, because you actually have to make decisions, set boundaries, and say things that hurt people sometimes. But it's really important to be able to do these things.
posted by alphanerd at 11:40 AM on April 5, 2012 [13 favorites]

Response by poster: Sorry about the abbreviations - I was trying to condense my post so it wouldn't be too much text. Thank you for all the wonderful insight and comments! Keep them coming - I need all the help I can get!
posted by soooo at 11:50 AM on April 5, 2012

Yeah, try to rewire yourself so that someone being uncool to you triggers more of a "what's wrong with HIM?? I'm not dealing with that" instinct. If he's not into you, it is SO not a judgment on you. He doesn't get to decide who is a good, sexy, cool person. (It just feels like certain people have that power in high school.)
posted by salvia at 12:15 PM on April 5, 2012 [6 favorites]

Also, about this guy, I'm so glad you DTMFA and, fwiw, I hope you continue on with no contact. Idk why people are giving you a hard time about abbreviations. IMO, they're fine, but YMMV and IANYL.
posted by salvia at 12:19 PM on April 5, 2012 [7 favorites]

PS: The more you embrace a more active role in accepting/rejecting people, the less personally you'll take it when you're on the receiving end of rejection. Part of it is probably because, by occasionally rejecting other people, you realize you're not making it personal and that it's almost always just a matter of your own preferences rather than a judgment about their worth as a person.

So when someone turns out not to like you, you're familiar with the mindset they're probably in, and it's like, "Meh, who else is single?" than the obsessing that attends an attack on self.

Look at these things:

(1) Your trust in your judgment about who to accept or reject
(2) Your ability to accept someone else's rejection dispassionately
(3) Your willingness to take risks in romantic situations by going on dates with people, making yourself vulnerable, pursuing, etc.
(4) Your ability to bounce back from something that doesn't work out by (a) not second-guessing your own decision to leave, (b) not sweating someone else's decision, and/or (c) believing you can find something else

You'll find that they're all interrelated, and sort of form a positive feedback loop or something, like when you crank up one of them, the others wind up getting cranked up, too, and you wind up confident and able to move through different relationships without a ton of drama.

I'm saying have a good look at the first thing on this list.
posted by alphanerd at 12:46 PM on April 5, 2012 [4 favorites]