Break or Break Up?
November 16, 2013 6:14 AM Subscribe
My boyfriend of two years has given me the silent treatment for a week now.
He is going through a very dark time in his life and has made major life decisions (moving to a different state) without involving or discussing with me. I have repeatedly pressed him for answers for which he does not have (or does not want to share with me). Our last communication (last Friday) was via text where things got a little heated. He did not answer the phone when I called and instead texted me back saying that speaking about our issues before bed causes him to stay up all night. I responded that not speaking about it keeps me up all night. He said that we would speak in the morning. He had been out of town for a few weeks and was supposed to return home but extended his trip.
I left him alone for a few days and attempted contact again on Sunday. I sent several texts and called him twice. At this point, I was panicking. He had never iced me out like that before. On Monday, I again attempted to call him several times. I asked if this silence meant he needed space or if he wanted to break up. He finally responded later that afternoon with two texts. One saying he was sorry and the the other saying he did not want to talk because he did not want to get yelled at by me. I thanked him for responding to me. On Wednesday, he sent me an email with the following link: He said he was leaving. She ignored him. I left him alone for a few more days and once again attempted contact today. Radio silence.
I feel so lost and terribly sad. I have no clue what's going on. We live together and all of his belongings are still here. Am I to assume this relationship is over? He has not told me anything - that he needs space or we're broken up or to leave him alone. Just two texts and a link to an article that makes me more confused. Help!
He is going through a very dark time in his life and has made major life decisions (moving to a different state) without involving or discussing with me. I have repeatedly pressed him for answers for which he does not have (or does not want to share with me). Our last communication (last Friday) was via text where things got a little heated. He did not answer the phone when I called and instead texted me back saying that speaking about our issues before bed causes him to stay up all night. I responded that not speaking about it keeps me up all night. He said that we would speak in the morning. He had been out of town for a few weeks and was supposed to return home but extended his trip.
I left him alone for a few days and attempted contact again on Sunday. I sent several texts and called him twice. At this point, I was panicking. He had never iced me out like that before. On Monday, I again attempted to call him several times. I asked if this silence meant he needed space or if he wanted to break up. He finally responded later that afternoon with two texts. One saying he was sorry and the the other saying he did not want to talk because he did not want to get yelled at by me. I thanked him for responding to me. On Wednesday, he sent me an email with the following link: He said he was leaving. She ignored him. I left him alone for a few more days and once again attempted contact today. Radio silence.
I feel so lost and terribly sad. I have no clue what's going on. We live together and all of his belongings are still here. Am I to assume this relationship is over? He has not told me anything - that he needs space or we're broken up or to leave him alone. Just two texts and a link to an article that makes me more confused. Help!
If I were in your situation, here is what I would do:
First, I would assume that we are broken up.
Second, I would be relieved by this, because if this is how he behaves - playing mind games and being shitty and being out of touch for a week - then he's doing you a favor. I understand he's going through some stuff right now, but if his response to that is to take it out on you like this, he's a fuckhead and you're so, so much better off without him.
You do, however, need to talk logistics, because one of you will need to move out. Have that talk when he gets back. In the meantime, tend to yourself.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 6:25 AM on November 16, 2013 [64 favorites]
First, I would assume that we are broken up.
Second, I would be relieved by this, because if this is how he behaves - playing mind games and being shitty and being out of touch for a week - then he's doing you a favor. I understand he's going through some stuff right now, but if his response to that is to take it out on you like this, he's a fuckhead and you're so, so much better off without him.
You do, however, need to talk logistics, because one of you will need to move out. Have that talk when he gets back. In the meantime, tend to yourself.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 6:25 AM on November 16, 2013 [64 favorites]
I agree with everything Famous Monster said. You only ask about what he's doing. Why not think about what you're going to do? He hasn't just gone silent for a while — if that were the case, you might wonder if he has some kind of problem you don't know about. Instead, he has actively sent hostile messages and acted about as manipulatively as possible. Get out of this relationship. This is not a good relationship. You can do better than this relationship. Take care of the logistics involving your home as efficiently as possible, and move on.
posted by John Cohen at 6:29 AM on November 16, 2013 [6 favorites]
posted by John Cohen at 6:29 AM on November 16, 2013 [6 favorites]
I'm so, so sorry. It sounds like he's already made the decision to break up with you--he's just being conflict avoidant because he doesn't want to deal with the fall-out of your emotions. I would move forward under the assumption that this is what's happening. Turn to your friends and family for support now, and don't expect any clear-cut closure anytime soon. It's not that you don't deserve it--you certainly do--but that he's unlikely to be able to give you what you need or even treat you respectfully.
Again, I'm so sorry.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 6:30 AM on November 16, 2013 [5 favorites]
Again, I'm so sorry.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 6:30 AM on November 16, 2013 [5 favorites]
Write a text or email (or better yet, both) saying this:
"Hey if you won't talk to me by the end of the day today or write back to set a specific time at which we will discuss whether we are still together or not, I will assume we have broken up, and begin preparations for us to no longer be living together." If he writes back anything other than a specific time you can speak on the phone or meet to talk about it, respond only with "I'm sorry but I can't deal with this back-and-forth. I need to hear when we can talk about this face to face or in person, otherwise I have to assume we are broken up."
Ultimatums are called for here if he's being this sketchy about communicating. Maybe he's trying to break up, or maybe he's just confused and having a breakdown of some kind. Either way he has to at least tell you what is going on and give you a time when he will be able to talk.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 6:30 AM on November 16, 2013 [7 favorites]
"Hey if you won't talk to me by the end of the day today or write back to set a specific time at which we will discuss whether we are still together or not, I will assume we have broken up, and begin preparations for us to no longer be living together." If he writes back anything other than a specific time you can speak on the phone or meet to talk about it, respond only with "I'm sorry but I can't deal with this back-and-forth. I need to hear when we can talk about this face to face or in person, otherwise I have to assume we are broken up."
Ultimatums are called for here if he's being this sketchy about communicating. Maybe he's trying to break up, or maybe he's just confused and having a breakdown of some kind. Either way he has to at least tell you what is going on and give you a time when he will be able to talk.
posted by Potomac Avenue at 6:30 AM on November 16, 2013 [7 favorites]
He is being cowardly and weak about it, but yes, that link means "I am leaving you, and you are not getting the message." (Which, of course, is unreasonable, since he's been afraid to say that directly.)
Make absolutely sure that you get any money owed to you back from him because he's very likely to change phone numbers and email addresses. Have him clear the apartment of his stuff or toss it out as soon as possible.
Dark times are terrible—personally, I do not enjoy going through them—but plenty of people go through dark times without harming trusted partners to this degree. If this is how he's going to be under pressure, it probably wasn't going to work out. Still, it's very sad to hear, and I'm sorry this happened to you.
posted by ignignokt at 6:31 AM on November 16, 2013 [10 favorites]
Make absolutely sure that you get any money owed to you back from him because he's very likely to change phone numbers and email addresses. Have him clear the apartment of his stuff or toss it out as soon as possible.
Dark times are terrible—personally, I do not enjoy going through them—but plenty of people go through dark times without harming trusted partners to this degree. If this is how he's going to be under pressure, it probably wasn't going to work out. Still, it's very sad to hear, and I'm sorry this happened to you.
posted by ignignokt at 6:31 AM on November 16, 2013 [10 favorites]
That link you pasted is pretty clear. He's depressed, anxious about his future because he realizes the super-duper amazing life he envisioned for himself doesn't mesh with reality, and he's struggling to accept that but doesn't quite want to yet. So he wants you to just stand by for a while like the wife in that link, not press him with questions, ignore him when he blames you, and just be Zen-like and accepting for an indefinite time until he grows up and can face reality.
That's a huge ask for one person to make of another.
posted by mono blanco at 6:34 AM on November 16, 2013 [88 favorites]
That's a huge ask for one person to make of another.
posted by mono blanco at 6:34 AM on November 16, 2013 [88 favorites]
I assume that the link to the article (which basically is a woman telling the story of her husband asking for a divorce and her leaving him alone to do whatever he wants for as long as he wants and not bothering him, and eventually his coming back) is meant to tell you what he wants, which is for you to leave him alone, etc. (Despite the title, the idea of that link is actually not "I'm leaving, why don't you hear me?" That link is in favor of what she calls "responsible separation" with the hope of reconciliation.) ("I waited, and it worked" is her killer line. She's the one who "ignored him," and she's presented as right to do so.)
But the woman in the article had kids with the guy, and was married to him. She had a lifelong commitment and a family. You have a boyfriend. I'm not saying you don't love him, I'm saying that woman put up with that situation because she had a lot at stake, and a lot of women still wouldn't want that for themselves.
I think at best, what he's feeling is that he'd like to leave the relationship with an option to return if he decides to, whenever he decides to. And for you to wait. I would not wait.
I don't think he's saying you're broken up, but I think maybe you should say it.
posted by Linda_Holmes at 6:35 AM on November 16, 2013 [137 favorites]
But the woman in the article had kids with the guy, and was married to him. She had a lifelong commitment and a family. You have a boyfriend. I'm not saying you don't love him, I'm saying that woman put up with that situation because she had a lot at stake, and a lot of women still wouldn't want that for themselves.
I think at best, what he's feeling is that he'd like to leave the relationship with an option to return if he decides to, whenever he decides to. And for you to wait. I would not wait.
I don't think he's saying you're broken up, but I think maybe you should say it.
posted by Linda_Holmes at 6:35 AM on November 16, 2013 [137 favorites]
I disagree with the previous answers. I think the link means, "I am going through some tough times and need a little space, but I will be back in time." I think you need to either take the zen like path this woman did and wait it out, or, kick him to the street. If you love him, give him more time.
On preview, what mono blanco said.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 6:35 AM on November 16, 2013 [4 favorites]
On preview, what mono blanco said.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 6:35 AM on November 16, 2013 [4 favorites]
I'm sorry you're going through this. You say you don't know what's going on, but since he sent you that article, it sounds like he's going through a kind of personal crisis and needs some distance. I think by sending you that article, he's saying it's not about you. If you go from that as a starting point, you can decide what you want to do - to put up with that or move on.
posted by gt2 at 6:36 AM on November 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by gt2 at 6:36 AM on November 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
I don't think he's saying you're broken up, but I think maybe you should say it.
2nding everything Linda_Holmes said.
posted by she's not there at 6:41 AM on November 16, 2013 [7 favorites]
2nding everything Linda_Holmes said.
posted by she's not there at 6:41 AM on November 16, 2013 [7 favorites]
He's acting like a petulant child. I think you should really ask yourself whether someone who behaves this way is someone you want to be with.
I don't know what the link he sent you means. Did he read it? Does he need space? Does he think he will come back? Is he saying he left and you just failed to listen?
Honestly, I don't think it matters. He owes you decisions logistically. I would tell him, hey, if you won't explain to me what's going on, I can't make you. But if you won't talk to me, I have to assume you moved out and we aren't in a relationship. If you don't call me within two days to address, at the very least, logistical issues, I am putting your stuff in storage with one month paid because I am not going to be responsible for your stuff with you vanished.
posted by J. Wilson at 6:43 AM on November 16, 2013 [7 favorites]
I don't know what the link he sent you means. Did he read it? Does he need space? Does he think he will come back? Is he saying he left and you just failed to listen?
Honestly, I don't think it matters. He owes you decisions logistically. I would tell him, hey, if you won't explain to me what's going on, I can't make you. But if you won't talk to me, I have to assume you moved out and we aren't in a relationship. If you don't call me within two days to address, at the very least, logistical issues, I am putting your stuff in storage with one month paid because I am not going to be responsible for your stuff with you vanished.
posted by J. Wilson at 6:43 AM on November 16, 2013 [7 favorites]
What an asshole. I'm sorry you are going through this.
In your shoes, I would be moving forward on an exit strategy today.
He moved states without discussing it with you? That really sucks.
I read that article when it first came out, the situation is different from yours as Linda_Holmes points out.
Whether you keep trying to contact him or not, depends on your living arrangements.
If you are not on the lease find a new place and move out.
I wouldn't waste another text or call on this loser, but since you are living together you likely will have some logistics to sort out.
Minimize any contact you have with him and move forward thinking only about yourself and what's best for you. He's certainly not concerned about you or your feelings.
posted by Snazzy67 at 6:51 AM on November 16, 2013 [4 favorites]
In your shoes, I would be moving forward on an exit strategy today.
He moved states without discussing it with you? That really sucks.
I read that article when it first came out, the situation is different from yours as Linda_Holmes points out.
Whether you keep trying to contact him or not, depends on your living arrangements.
If you are not on the lease find a new place and move out.
I wouldn't waste another text or call on this loser, but since you are living together you likely will have some logistics to sort out.
Minimize any contact you have with him and move forward thinking only about yourself and what's best for you. He's certainly not concerned about you or your feelings.
posted by Snazzy67 at 6:51 AM on November 16, 2013 [4 favorites]
Wait, he moved out of state and did not discuss this with you beforehand? I am sorry, but this man has broken up with you, but lacks the common decency to tell you. Send him an email saying that if he doesn't get in touch with you within 24 hours, his stuff is going on the curb, or to Goodwill/Housing Works/other charity. And then do it if he continues to ignore you.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 6:53 AM on November 16, 2013 [10 favorites]
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 6:53 AM on November 16, 2013 [10 favorites]
He seems to be using someone else's script for his/your situation. The title of the article would make one assume a breakup, but I think he's hoping you'd ask something like “What can we do to give you the distance you need?” This may have been very well for the (settled/established) writer of the piece, but you're new to a city, without an established support network, few resources, and rent to pay. So it's the wrong script for the wrong play.
I'm sorry you've been put in this situation. Pulling the sensitive and put-upon “I NEED SPAAAAYCE!!!1!” voice-from-afar trick was not a menschy way for him to handle a breakup. He has effectively moved out, so I'd recommend:
posted by scruss at 6:54 AM on November 16, 2013 [4 favorites]
I'm sorry you've been put in this situation. Pulling the sensitive and put-upon “I NEED SPAAAAYCE!!!1!” voice-from-afar trick was not a menschy way for him to handle a breakup. He has effectively moved out, so I'd recommend:
- making an inventory of you: the resources (all kinds) you have to go on.
- sending a text: ‘Since you appear to have moved out, where do you want your stuff put?’
posted by scruss at 6:54 AM on November 16, 2013 [4 favorites]
I'm sorry, but there's no taking a break or breaking up to be done here: he has already broken up with you. He was a bit of a chickenshit about it --- somewhere in there, he could've had the decency to say the actual words, I Want To Break Up With You, but he didn't. Anyway: it's over.
Now what, right?!? Well,
1) Get a couple cardboard boxes, and fill them with his stuff.
2) Send him one, and only one, new message: your stuff is boxed up, let me know when you'll be coming by to pick it up. (Do not offer to ship it to him, unless he pre-pays you for that shipping!). If he fails to arrange a pickup date that is acceptable to you within the next month or so, consider stuffing it all in a rented storage unit; mail him the key and the bill.
3) Go the full no-contact: no emails, texts, phone calls, anything. No-contact means just that: no contact whatsoever. Why go no-contact? For you, not him: you'll heal faster and easier. Let your friends know that you do not want to hear from or about him: he is out of your life.
4) Change your locks.
posted by easily confused at 6:55 AM on November 16, 2013 [19 favorites]
Now what, right?!? Well,
1) Get a couple cardboard boxes, and fill them with his stuff.
2) Send him one, and only one, new message: your stuff is boxed up, let me know when you'll be coming by to pick it up. (Do not offer to ship it to him, unless he pre-pays you for that shipping!). If he fails to arrange a pickup date that is acceptable to you within the next month or so, consider stuffing it all in a rented storage unit; mail him the key and the bill.
3) Go the full no-contact: no emails, texts, phone calls, anything. No-contact means just that: no contact whatsoever. Why go no-contact? For you, not him: you'll heal faster and easier. Let your friends know that you do not want to hear from or about him: he is out of your life.
4) Change your locks.
posted by easily confused at 6:55 AM on November 16, 2013 [19 favorites]
I agree with mono blanco's, Linda_holmes' and JohnnyGunn's interpretation of that article: he has problems which are rooted in himself, they throw a shadow on the relationship, but that could be taken care of if you take the Zen highroad (or so he conjectures).
What you do with this is up to you, your understanding and views on relationships in general and this one in particular. You may know that he is having an uber-troubled time, might be confused, hurt etc, and once you figured out that this is where things are, you might find it within yourself to sponsor the relationship for a while, as it were, until he finds his groove again. How exactly you can do this without bursting with anxiety I don't know; one thing I would advise though is to have an end-term, like the woman in the article had one (6 months in her case). Further advice: that woman was working off a much longer time together, and an established routine as a happy couple for years before the anomaly - so the "getting him back" had a fairly reliable face. Is this so in your relationship? Where you a happy, solid couple for a lengthy enough period of time to build a foundation which can out-last a few months of anxiety and, let;s face it, awfulness?
You can also do a modified version of what happened in that article, and ask for a conversation in which he confirms that it is indeed some distance he wants, rather than hedging his bets between "space" and "break-up", that it is not likely to last more than x period of time, and how, roughly, your relationship is going to look like during this period of limbo. You can also add some of your stuff (like what has to be non-negotiable if you are to treat this as a break rather than a break-up).
Or you could just send him this in reply to the article he sent.
posted by miorita at 6:57 AM on November 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
What you do with this is up to you, your understanding and views on relationships in general and this one in particular. You may know that he is having an uber-troubled time, might be confused, hurt etc, and once you figured out that this is where things are, you might find it within yourself to sponsor the relationship for a while, as it were, until he finds his groove again. How exactly you can do this without bursting with anxiety I don't know; one thing I would advise though is to have an end-term, like the woman in the article had one (6 months in her case). Further advice: that woman was working off a much longer time together, and an established routine as a happy couple for years before the anomaly - so the "getting him back" had a fairly reliable face. Is this so in your relationship? Where you a happy, solid couple for a lengthy enough period of time to build a foundation which can out-last a few months of anxiety and, let;s face it, awfulness?
You can also do a modified version of what happened in that article, and ask for a conversation in which he confirms that it is indeed some distance he wants, rather than hedging his bets between "space" and "break-up", that it is not likely to last more than x period of time, and how, roughly, your relationship is going to look like during this period of limbo. You can also add some of your stuff (like what has to be non-negotiable if you are to treat this as a break rather than a break-up).
Or you could just send him this in reply to the article he sent.
posted by miorita at 6:57 AM on November 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
"speaking about our issues before bed causes him to stay up all night. I responded that not speaking about it keeps me up all night. "
He's going through very dark times, and you're seeing parity here?
I'm not writing this to criticize you. Just to show how it may look from his perspective.
posted by Quisp Lover at 7:02 AM on November 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
He's going through very dark times, and you're seeing parity here?
I'm not writing this to criticize you. Just to show how it may look from his perspective.
posted by Quisp Lover at 7:02 AM on November 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
I think we maybe need to know what the dark time is to better guess whether he's being a jackass about breaking up, or flailing wildly in a time of extreme stress and grief.
showmetheway: " He did not answer the phone when I called and instead texted me back saying that speaking about our issues before bed causes him to stay up all night. I responded that not speaking about it keeps me up all night. "
Having been in a marriage of 12 years with exactly this dynamic, nothing good can come of you both pushing your emotional need. It will either end in a big fight or in a freeze-out situation. Whoever is the partner under LESS stress needs to give in and deal with the sleepless night so the other person can use their preferred coping mechanism. I know -- believe me I know! -- how shitty this is, as I am the one who stays up all night stewing and steaming if we DON'T talk about something, but forcing a stressed partner into his non-preferred coping mechanism that keeps him up all night afterwards (adding to his stress and inability to cope) always, always ends badly. (Conversely, when you're the one suffering, he has to talk about things when you want to, and then take one for the team and be up all night unhappy. Less stressed partner gets the sleepless night.)
You need to talk, but it would be a kindness if you would let him pick the time and place (within a reasonable amount of time; this is already pretty unreasonable) and resolve to just listen calmly and not argue with him, no matter how unreasonable his claims are. Then go away, take some time to think about it, and decide what to do.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 7:03 AM on November 16, 2013 [10 favorites]
showmetheway: " He did not answer the phone when I called and instead texted me back saying that speaking about our issues before bed causes him to stay up all night. I responded that not speaking about it keeps me up all night. "
Having been in a marriage of 12 years with exactly this dynamic, nothing good can come of you both pushing your emotional need. It will either end in a big fight or in a freeze-out situation. Whoever is the partner under LESS stress needs to give in and deal with the sleepless night so the other person can use their preferred coping mechanism. I know -- believe me I know! -- how shitty this is, as I am the one who stays up all night stewing and steaming if we DON'T talk about something, but forcing a stressed partner into his non-preferred coping mechanism that keeps him up all night afterwards (adding to his stress and inability to cope) always, always ends badly. (Conversely, when you're the one suffering, he has to talk about things when you want to, and then take one for the team and be up all night unhappy. Less stressed partner gets the sleepless night.)
You need to talk, but it would be a kindness if you would let him pick the time and place (within a reasonable amount of time; this is already pretty unreasonable) and resolve to just listen calmly and not argue with him, no matter how unreasonable his claims are. Then go away, take some time to think about it, and decide what to do.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 7:03 AM on November 16, 2013 [10 favorites]
He's moved out - it is time for you to move on. I know some people (myself included) who might find themselves tempted to leave it all behind rather than have some sort of awful moving out/break up experience with a live-in partner.
Change your locks, box up all his shit, and send him the following email:
I've packed all your things. When between now and December 15th do you want to come get it?
If he doesn't get it before 12/15 (or make a plan that seems reasonable to you), email him again to let him know that it is either going to Goodwill, going to be out on the curb on X day, or (if you're feeling exceedingly generous) that you have put it in a storage unit in his name and are mailing him the key and the bill.
posted by arnicae at 7:03 AM on November 16, 2013 [3 favorites]
Change your locks, box up all his shit, and send him the following email:
I've packed all your things. When between now and December 15th do you want to come get it?
If he doesn't get it before 12/15 (or make a plan that seems reasonable to you), email him again to let him know that it is either going to Goodwill, going to be out on the curb on X day, or (if you're feeling exceedingly generous) that you have put it in a storage unit in his name and are mailing him the key and the bill.
posted by arnicae at 7:03 AM on November 16, 2013 [3 favorites]
He is going through a very dark time in his life and has made major life decisions (moving to a different state) without involving or discussing with me.
What is he going through? What other major life decisions has he made that he didn't involve you in? What was the relationship like before?
Yes, it sounds like he's being a dick, but there's at least two sides to every story and he's clearly going through something, so he may deserved a little bit of slack, depending on what it is.
...and a link to an article that makes me more confused.
That article is about a husband who attempts to divorce his wife. She refuses to go along with that and refuses to accept that she is the cause of his misery. This quote is relevant part
Note that I said consider. He's already been a dick about this and he's already hurt you and the relationship, so he needs to be on short notice, if only in your own mind.
But he seems to be asking for a some time and distance, not a breakup. The way he's done it is terrible, no question. But consider approaching the problem as trying to help him and the relationship as opposed to how its hurting you. This doesn't mean you have to do this, but it's worth understanding, if only for your own piece of mind.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:06 AM on November 16, 2013 [9 favorites]
What is he going through? What other major life decisions has he made that he didn't involve you in? What was the relationship like before?
Yes, it sounds like he's being a dick, but there's at least two sides to every story and he's clearly going through something, so he may deserved a little bit of slack, depending on what it is.
...and a link to an article that makes me more confused.
That article is about a husband who attempts to divorce his wife. She refuses to go along with that and refuses to accept that she is the cause of his misery. This quote is relevant part
My husband hadn't yet come to this understanding with himself. He had enjoyed many years of hard work, and its rewards had supported our family of four all along. But his new endeavor hadn't been going so well, and his ability to be the breadwinner was in rapid decline. He'd been miserable about this, felt useless, was losing himself emotionally and letting himself go physically. And now he wanted out of our marriage; to be done with our family.Were I in your shoes, I would consider texting him the following question: "What can we do to give you the distance you need, without hurting our relationship?"
But I wasn't buying it.
I said: "It's not age-appropriate to expect children to be concerned with their parents' happiness. Not unless you want to create co-dependents who'll spend their lives in bad relationships and therapy. There are times in every relationship when the parties involved need a break. What can we do to give you the distance you need, without hurting the family?"
"Huh?" he said.
"Go trekking in Nepal. Build a yurt in the back meadow. Turn the garage studio into a man-cave. Get that drum set you've always wanted. Anything but hurting the children and me with a reckless move like the one you're talking about."
Then I repeated my line, "What can we do to give you the distance you need, without hurting the family?"
Note that I said consider. He's already been a dick about this and he's already hurt you and the relationship, so he needs to be on short notice, if only in your own mind.
But he seems to be asking for a some time and distance, not a breakup. The way he's done it is terrible, no question. But consider approaching the problem as trying to help him and the relationship as opposed to how its hurting you. This doesn't mean you have to do this, but it's worth understanding, if only for your own piece of mind.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 7:06 AM on November 16, 2013 [9 favorites]
How is whatever bad time he might be having improved by your allowing him to treat a fellow human - you - so badly?
He moved to another state? Wow. Please take all the good advice about managing the logistics of this breakup and take care of yourself.
This isn't the silent treatment - he has abandoned you.
This is really terrible but one day it won't be. It will be bad memory that only comes to mind when you see someone else in trouble.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 7:09 AM on November 16, 2013 [7 favorites]
He moved to another state? Wow. Please take all the good advice about managing the logistics of this breakup and take care of yourself.
This isn't the silent treatment - he has abandoned you.
This is really terrible but one day it won't be. It will be bad memory that only comes to mind when you see someone else in trouble.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 7:09 AM on November 16, 2013 [7 favorites]
Wow, great response from Linda_Holmes. Just chiming in to agree.
posted by belau at 7:11 AM on November 16, 2013
posted by belau at 7:11 AM on November 16, 2013
I have no idea what he's thinking but based on everything you've said about him, you should break up with him. He's a jerk and a coward.
posted by otherwordlyglow at 7:14 AM on November 16, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by otherwordlyglow at 7:14 AM on November 16, 2013 [3 favorites]
Were I in your shoes, I would consider texting him the following question: "What can we do to give you the distance you need, without hurting our relationship?"
Were I in your shoes, I would be asking him that to his face, even if it meant paying for travel to make that happen. Because texts and emails are for reminding your beloved to pick up some milk, not for emotionally important relationship conversations, and phone calls are also more likely than not to result in the kind of misunderstood you-must-lose-so-I-can-win non-communication that breaks things that don't need to be broken.
If you care about the results of a conversation, have it face to face. Anybody who tells you that technology-mediated conversation is "just as good" is simply flat wrong.
posted by flabdablet at 7:33 AM on November 16, 2013 [3 favorites]
Were I in your shoes, I would be asking him that to his face, even if it meant paying for travel to make that happen. Because texts and emails are for reminding your beloved to pick up some milk, not for emotionally important relationship conversations, and phone calls are also more likely than not to result in the kind of misunderstood you-must-lose-so-I-can-win non-communication that breaks things that don't need to be broken.
If you care about the results of a conversation, have it face to face. Anybody who tells you that technology-mediated conversation is "just as good" is simply flat wrong.
posted by flabdablet at 7:33 AM on November 16, 2013 [3 favorites]
I can't tell if he wants you to break up him or leave him alone for a while and magically still be around when he's feeling better, but either way this is an unacceptable way for a person in a committed relationship to behave. If something's really wrong, you tell your partner what's wrong. If you need something, ask for it. You don't shut your partner out and try to communicate with articles.
I've been through some extremely dark times, myself. I don't know what precisely he's going through. But it would have to be very dark, to the point of interfering with his daily functioning, to excuse his inability to hold up his end of the relationship.
I would drop him a line saying "We need to have a serious talk. I'm available at date/times 1, 2, and 3 (these should be within the next 48 hours). You pick the one that's best for you. If you do not pick a time, if you fail to respond at the agreed-upon time, or if you cut the conversation short, I will assume you no longer wish to be in a relationship with me and I will proceed accordingly." Before the call/talk, make some notes about what you need to say. He needs to change and your mission is to get that across.
I wouldn't hold out much hope, though, and no matter how that conversation goes I think you would be wise to break up. I'm sorry this is happening; you don't deserve this kind of treatment.
posted by Metroid Baby at 7:33 AM on November 16, 2013 [7 favorites]
I've been through some extremely dark times, myself. I don't know what precisely he's going through. But it would have to be very dark, to the point of interfering with his daily functioning, to excuse his inability to hold up his end of the relationship.
I would drop him a line saying "We need to have a serious talk. I'm available at date/times 1, 2, and 3 (these should be within the next 48 hours). You pick the one that's best for you. If you do not pick a time, if you fail to respond at the agreed-upon time, or if you cut the conversation short, I will assume you no longer wish to be in a relationship with me and I will proceed accordingly." Before the call/talk, make some notes about what you need to say. He needs to change and your mission is to get that across.
I wouldn't hold out much hope, though, and no matter how that conversation goes I think you would be wise to break up. I'm sorry this is happening; you don't deserve this kind of treatment.
posted by Metroid Baby at 7:33 AM on November 16, 2013 [7 favorites]
You are the person who matters most in your life. So--what do you actually want? Do you want to take a break, or do you want to be free to move on? The former, yes, there's certainly a chance he won't really come back, but there's a chance he will. Sometimes people going through depression or similar issues can't take care of themselves and a relationship at the same time; it's possible things could be sustained in time. Or that it could just continue like this. It's a risk, to treat it like a break, such things are always risks. But you don't have to assume anything; you have to take a more active role in the decisions, here. Other people can say that they'd see this as a dealbreaker, but they aren't you, and you can't break up with him just because other people would break up with him.
You could almost certainly do better by most conventional measures of what a good relationship entails, but you really need to examine what you want to happen next. Not what you wish hadn't happened so far, but what you want from this particular situation. You say you feel lost and sad but you say nothing here about what you actually want the answer to be, and that's, to me, the most telling thing of all.
posted by Sequence at 7:39 AM on November 16, 2013
You could almost certainly do better by most conventional measures of what a good relationship entails, but you really need to examine what you want to happen next. Not what you wish hadn't happened so far, but what you want from this particular situation. You say you feel lost and sad but you say nothing here about what you actually want the answer to be, and that's, to me, the most telling thing of all.
posted by Sequence at 7:39 AM on November 16, 2013
Response by poster: Thanks for the great responses so far!
He has not officially moved out of state. He is in the process of finding housing and work.
As for what he's going through, it's a very nasty court battle with his ex over their daughter. His ex is attempting to take visitation away while he's trying to spend more time with her. Currently he only gets to see her one weekend a month per the court order. He does not get to speak with her between visits. Believe me when I say the ex is a nightmare. He's scared to death that he may lose custody (visitation? I'm not sure of the correct term). It was at his attorney's advice that he gain employment and find housing in their city before the next court date.
posted by showmetheway at 7:39 AM on November 16, 2013
He has not officially moved out of state. He is in the process of finding housing and work.
As for what he's going through, it's a very nasty court battle with his ex over their daughter. His ex is attempting to take visitation away while he's trying to spend more time with her. Currently he only gets to see her one weekend a month per the court order. He does not get to speak with her between visits. Believe me when I say the ex is a nightmare. He's scared to death that he may lose custody (visitation? I'm not sure of the correct term). It was at his attorney's advice that he gain employment and find housing in their city before the next court date.
posted by showmetheway at 7:39 AM on November 16, 2013
That's a very hard battle he has to fight, and he really does not think he can maintain a relationship while fighting it. I guess you just have to wish him well, get your joint business settled, and let him go.
posted by ignignokt at 7:46 AM on November 16, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by ignignokt at 7:46 AM on November 16, 2013 [4 favorites]
That's beyond "dark times".
In light of that, I'd urge you to really consider whether it might be more appropriate to defer to his needs for a while, rather than add your own to his burden of problems, re: this sort of thing:
"speaking about our issues before bed causes him to stay up all night. I responded that not speaking about it keeps me up all night. "
At times like these people need support, slack, and understanding from partners. Whatever your quid-pro-quo dynamics normally are in the relationship might be suspended for a while, no? He needs his sleep (and, generally, every iota of peace and happiness he can find) more than you right now.
This happens a lot: a panicked partner's fear that the relationship is over drives them into behavior which terminates the relationship. Self-fulfilling prophecy.
posted by Quisp Lover at 7:50 AM on November 16, 2013 [5 favorites]
In light of that, I'd urge you to really consider whether it might be more appropriate to defer to his needs for a while, rather than add your own to his burden of problems, re: this sort of thing:
"speaking about our issues before bed causes him to stay up all night. I responded that not speaking about it keeps me up all night. "
At times like these people need support, slack, and understanding from partners. Whatever your quid-pro-quo dynamics normally are in the relationship might be suspended for a while, no? He needs his sleep (and, generally, every iota of peace and happiness he can find) more than you right now.
This happens a lot: a panicked partner's fear that the relationship is over drives them into behavior which terminates the relationship. Self-fulfilling prophecy.
posted by Quisp Lover at 7:50 AM on November 16, 2013 [5 favorites]
"That's a very hard battle he has to fight, and he really does not think he can maintain a relationship while fighting it"
Or, at least, not a relationship that places further emotional demands on his battered psyche. I'd bet a peaceful, understanding, accommodating, undemanding relationship would serve him really really well right now.
posted by Quisp Lover at 7:52 AM on November 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
Or, at least, not a relationship that places further emotional demands on his battered psyche. I'd bet a peaceful, understanding, accommodating, undemanding relationship would serve him really really well right now.
posted by Quisp Lover at 7:52 AM on November 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
That's some fairly significant information, OP! However: he still owes you some basic decency, which means not turning into a cryptic-text-sending stranger. You're his girlfriend of two years. You live together. Is this how he is going to treat you every time issues with the ex/his kid come up? Lots of people go through divorces and custody disputes but still manage to treat those around them with basic courtesy. Which, by your description, you haven't got.
Only you can know if this is highly uncharacteristic and maybe worth waiting out, or a continuation of other stuff he's done that indicates he is not capable of being a good partner to you. That's what should make your decision. Regardless of his crisis and stress, you deserve someone who doesn't shut down like Fort Knox and turn cryptic every time a crisis comes along. What happens when you need him? Will he be there? Or will you be expected to cater to his psychological needs but never get any support for your own?
You're the only person who can answer that.
posted by emjaybee at 7:52 AM on November 16, 2013 [28 favorites]
Only you can know if this is highly uncharacteristic and maybe worth waiting out, or a continuation of other stuff he's done that indicates he is not capable of being a good partner to you. That's what should make your decision. Regardless of his crisis and stress, you deserve someone who doesn't shut down like Fort Knox and turn cryptic every time a crisis comes along. What happens when you need him? Will he be there? Or will you be expected to cater to his psychological needs but never get any support for your own?
You're the only person who can answer that.
posted by emjaybee at 7:52 AM on November 16, 2013 [28 favorites]
Is he still going to pay his half for your housing? If not, it's over move to your own place and start the process of grieving your relationship.
Do you want to move to the city where his daughter is? Is he asking you to do so? If no to either question, you are already broken up.
There is no parallel between the relationship in the link and your relationship with this guy. You only have each other, there are no children involved, no house note, no legal relationship to untangle.
This guy expects you to let him do whatever, even if he's no longer committed, and you're supposed to stand around and let him be, while he acts like a child.
If that's the precedent you want set, that non-communication, petulance and whimsy are A-OK with you, then awesome. Stay.
If you want to model the woman in the link, send him an email: "Since you've moved out, I'm going to get my own place, when will you be moving your shit? I've given notice for 12/31."
Or, "Since you've moved out, when will you be getting your shit? I'll take this as your 30-day notice. If you haven't made arrangements, I'll sell it."
Why that woman in the article felt that her shitheel of a husband was worth eating all that shit for, is beyond me. I think she just wanted him around to be her third kid. Frankly I like having a MAN in my life. A grown-assed person who communicates with me, and will discuss his problems and hopes and dreams with me.
You don't have that. This person you are involved with is NOT a boyfriend. He's just a guy who thinks that you have to support him through whatever bullshit he wants to put you through. If you do, YAY, you passed the test, you're the woman he wants in his life.
No thank you.
Tell him it's over, and that you're not his doormat.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:55 AM on November 16, 2013 [38 favorites]
Do you want to move to the city where his daughter is? Is he asking you to do so? If no to either question, you are already broken up.
There is no parallel between the relationship in the link and your relationship with this guy. You only have each other, there are no children involved, no house note, no legal relationship to untangle.
This guy expects you to let him do whatever, even if he's no longer committed, and you're supposed to stand around and let him be, while he acts like a child.
If that's the precedent you want set, that non-communication, petulance and whimsy are A-OK with you, then awesome. Stay.
If you want to model the woman in the link, send him an email: "Since you've moved out, I'm going to get my own place, when will you be moving your shit? I've given notice for 12/31."
Or, "Since you've moved out, when will you be getting your shit? I'll take this as your 30-day notice. If you haven't made arrangements, I'll sell it."
Why that woman in the article felt that her shitheel of a husband was worth eating all that shit for, is beyond me. I think she just wanted him around to be her third kid. Frankly I like having a MAN in my life. A grown-assed person who communicates with me, and will discuss his problems and hopes and dreams with me.
You don't have that. This person you are involved with is NOT a boyfriend. He's just a guy who thinks that you have to support him through whatever bullshit he wants to put you through. If you do, YAY, you passed the test, you're the woman he wants in his life.
No thank you.
Tell him it's over, and that you're not his doormat.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 7:55 AM on November 16, 2013 [38 favorites]
More than likely, his relationship with you is coming second or third place in his mind and understandably say. He totally could have handled this much better and his situation doesn't excuse his behavior or attitude towards you at all. But it is understandable.
At this point, you need to decide what you want. Is he someone you want to be with? Do you want a future with him? Are you willing to move out of state to be with him, if not not, then when you can?
Continuing in this relationship will not be easy. It's up to you decide whether that burden is worth it, especially considering how his distance is hurting you. Yes, him placing you second in this custody battle makes sense, but you have your own needs and feelings. His behavior during all of this doesn't reflect well on him or on future conflicts the relationship will have, particularly if the ex is going to continue to be nightmare. It's ok if his needs take precedence right now, but his reactions to his partner, fellow "team member" have been terrible. You're on his side, right? Then you deserve to be treated as lover, friend, confidant and support network, as someone who's invested in him and the relationship.
That has not occurred. Doesn't mean he's terrible guy or that he'll always behave this way. But it should give you pause, enough so that you consider whether you're going to be in this.
If you do, give yourself a timeframe in your mind. 3 months, 6 months or 1 month checkups for six months. At these points, evaluate the relationship in your mind i.e. is getting better or worse, can you stand much more of this, etc. Don't worry about discussing it with him, just check with yourself about whether you want to stay in the relationship. It's ok, whatever you choose, just choose based on YOUR happiness.
Best of luck to you.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:01 AM on November 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
At this point, you need to decide what you want. Is he someone you want to be with? Do you want a future with him? Are you willing to move out of state to be with him, if not not, then when you can?
Continuing in this relationship will not be easy. It's up to you decide whether that burden is worth it, especially considering how his distance is hurting you. Yes, him placing you second in this custody battle makes sense, but you have your own needs and feelings. His behavior during all of this doesn't reflect well on him or on future conflicts the relationship will have, particularly if the ex is going to continue to be nightmare. It's ok if his needs take precedence right now, but his reactions to his partner, fellow "team member" have been terrible. You're on his side, right? Then you deserve to be treated as lover, friend, confidant and support network, as someone who's invested in him and the relationship.
That has not occurred. Doesn't mean he's terrible guy or that he'll always behave this way. But it should give you pause, enough so that you consider whether you're going to be in this.
If you do, give yourself a timeframe in your mind. 3 months, 6 months or 1 month checkups for six months. At these points, evaluate the relationship in your mind i.e. is getting better or worse, can you stand much more of this, etc. Don't worry about discussing it with him, just check with yourself about whether you want to stay in the relationship. It's ok, whatever you choose, just choose based on YOUR happiness.
Best of luck to you.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:01 AM on November 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
In light of your update, I'd like to re-affirm the interpretation of the article he sent as a rather ham-handed oblique request for space and understanding. To face a situation which must feel like you are losing your child - I cannot even imagine what that must feel like.
It also seems to me that he is doing - quite badly - what he should be doing, really - prioritising his child. What I don't understand, and cannot figure out from your question, is why he hasn't discussed this with you. Was there ever a conversation re. his moving to child's town (cause that is where he is planning to move to, no?) in which he told you that he sees that as the only way to figure out his current custody/ visitation problems? And in which the two of you discussed the impact this will have on your relationship? Was there ever a conversation about what you will do if he moves?
I'm sort of reading between the lines here, but I'd assume he is absolutely frazzled by the custody issues, whilst at the same time there are tensions between the two of you brought about by this (and maybe other things), and he cannot face what must feel like being between hammer and anvil. In rather immature fashion, I think, he's withdrawn and asked you for understanding (because he reached breaking point) rather than have a proper conversation with you about these things. This is possibly because he is exhausted, but maybe also because he senses great resistance from you (unsurprisingly, if no discussion ever took place), and cannot face it (the message about not wanting you to yell at him).
If I were you, I'd really think hard about two things:
1. Can you do what the woman in the article did? Seems like he may be so overwhelmed that he is asking for that somewhat patronising approach (at least I feel it would be slightly patronising, since the husband essentially gets treated like a recalcitrant teenager).
2. Do you want to stay in this constellation? Cause even if this period resolves itself happily, the ex and the custody issues may well never disappear, and you're stuck with intense periods during which you have to play second violin not only to the child, but also to the obstacles the ex places in between him and the child.
Good luck
posted by miorita at 8:03 AM on November 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
It also seems to me that he is doing - quite badly - what he should be doing, really - prioritising his child. What I don't understand, and cannot figure out from your question, is why he hasn't discussed this with you. Was there ever a conversation re. his moving to child's town (cause that is where he is planning to move to, no?) in which he told you that he sees that as the only way to figure out his current custody/ visitation problems? And in which the two of you discussed the impact this will have on your relationship? Was there ever a conversation about what you will do if he moves?
I'm sort of reading between the lines here, but I'd assume he is absolutely frazzled by the custody issues, whilst at the same time there are tensions between the two of you brought about by this (and maybe other things), and he cannot face what must feel like being between hammer and anvil. In rather immature fashion, I think, he's withdrawn and asked you for understanding (because he reached breaking point) rather than have a proper conversation with you about these things. This is possibly because he is exhausted, but maybe also because he senses great resistance from you (unsurprisingly, if no discussion ever took place), and cannot face it (the message about not wanting you to yell at him).
If I were you, I'd really think hard about two things:
1. Can you do what the woman in the article did? Seems like he may be so overwhelmed that he is asking for that somewhat patronising approach (at least I feel it would be slightly patronising, since the husband essentially gets treated like a recalcitrant teenager).
2. Do you want to stay in this constellation? Cause even if this period resolves itself happily, the ex and the custody issues may well never disappear, and you're stuck with intense periods during which you have to play second violin not only to the child, but also to the obstacles the ex places in between him and the child.
Good luck
posted by miorita at 8:03 AM on November 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
Mod note: One comment deleted; please don't argue with other commenters. Thanks.
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 8:05 AM on November 16, 2013
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 8:05 AM on November 16, 2013
Hi there,
It sounds line your guy is in a hellacious situation, true, and is probably overloaded. However, adults need to be able to cope lovingly and respectfully with the people close to them even--especially--in the worst of circumstances. This is incredibly hard to learn and I think can be especially difficult for men, who don't typically get a lot of good guidance about how to deal with very strong emotion.
You are also clearly struggling with this situation--how could someone who loves you, lives with you, treat you with such disregard and disrespect?
A book I have seen make amazing impact in these situations is Love Without Hurt by Stosny. Strongly recommend. Will help you get yourself centered and strong in the wake of such awful treatment, will help you treat him compassionately while still holding him accountable--and, if he will read it and take it to heart, will have him do the same for you. Strongly recommend.
Good luck--this sounds like such a hard and heartbreaking situation all around.
posted by Sublimity at 8:15 AM on November 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
It sounds line your guy is in a hellacious situation, true, and is probably overloaded. However, adults need to be able to cope lovingly and respectfully with the people close to them even--especially--in the worst of circumstances. This is incredibly hard to learn and I think can be especially difficult for men, who don't typically get a lot of good guidance about how to deal with very strong emotion.
You are also clearly struggling with this situation--how could someone who loves you, lives with you, treat you with such disregard and disrespect?
A book I have seen make amazing impact in these situations is Love Without Hurt by Stosny. Strongly recommend. Will help you get yourself centered and strong in the wake of such awful treatment, will help you treat him compassionately while still holding him accountable--and, if he will read it and take it to heart, will have him do the same for you. Strongly recommend.
Good luck--this sounds like such a hard and heartbreaking situation all around.
posted by Sublimity at 8:15 AM on November 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
This sounds stressful, and I'm sorry you hsve to go through it. I am also concerned for your partner's well-being. Do you know anyone where he is who you could ask to check on him? Or, call the local police department to do a welfare check. The leaving, stress, non-communiction, and leaving belongings behind are all signs of major depression, and could be signs of suicidality. I would involve someone ASAP to make sure he is not trying/planning to hurt himself.
posted by stillmoving at 8:24 AM on November 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by stillmoving at 8:24 AM on November 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
I would really, really hesitate to stay with someone who cut me off totally when something bad happened in his life, particularly if it left me financially vulnerable. (How does he expect you to pay his half of the rent?) I would hesitate even though this guy is putting his child first, because he's saying that bad shit will cause him to totally bail on you. What might happen, for instance, if you stay together and you get a serious illness, especially if you get a serious illness while he also has something else to deal with? What happens if he decides, totally independently of you, that he needs to do something else big that effects you? Maybe you buy a house together somewhere - and he encounters some genuinely grave career problem and decides, without consulting you, that you both need to move somewhere else.
This is a situation where you are seeing exactly how he handles difficult situations. It is certainly very, very tragic for him to have this awful custody battle - but what you're seeing is your future every time something bad happens. Silent treatment, confusion, financial uncertainty...is that what you want ten years down the pike when you need surgery, or his mom is diagnosed with Alzheimers, etc?
I add that it is women who are always the ones who put up with this stuff. Since the Linda Holmes article has been brought up, I'll say that I found it disgusting, frightening and misogynistic in tone, and I felt very sorry for her that she had to conciliate a man-baby so that her world did not entirely crumble. I felt that this is very often the situation that women find themselves in, although in a less dramatic form. If I were you, unless you think you can be Linda Holmes the next time there's a crisis in your relationship, I would get out now.
It's easy to think - I know from personal experience - that these little initial bouts of bad behavior are just coincidences or isolated situations. I'm telling you, they are not - they are a warning about how the future will be.
It is very unfortunate that this man does not have coping skills that allow him to even send an email like "I am really stressed right now, can we get in touch in ten days? I love you." It is tragic for him and it is no doubt the result of trauma. But it is not selfish not to want to be the social worker in the relationship.
posted by Frowner at 8:25 AM on November 16, 2013 [70 favorites]
This is a situation where you are seeing exactly how he handles difficult situations. It is certainly very, very tragic for him to have this awful custody battle - but what you're seeing is your future every time something bad happens. Silent treatment, confusion, financial uncertainty...is that what you want ten years down the pike when you need surgery, or his mom is diagnosed with Alzheimers, etc?
I add that it is women who are always the ones who put up with this stuff. Since the Linda Holmes article has been brought up, I'll say that I found it disgusting, frightening and misogynistic in tone, and I felt very sorry for her that she had to conciliate a man-baby so that her world did not entirely crumble. I felt that this is very often the situation that women find themselves in, although in a less dramatic form. If I were you, unless you think you can be Linda Holmes the next time there's a crisis in your relationship, I would get out now.
It's easy to think - I know from personal experience - that these little initial bouts of bad behavior are just coincidences or isolated situations. I'm telling you, they are not - they are a warning about how the future will be.
It is very unfortunate that this man does not have coping skills that allow him to even send an email like "I am really stressed right now, can we get in touch in ten days? I love you." It is tragic for him and it is no doubt the result of trauma. But it is not selfish not to want to be the social worker in the relationship.
posted by Frowner at 8:25 AM on November 16, 2013 [70 favorites]
I would feel sympathetic toward my partner were he going through such problems, but I would still break up with him. The silent treatment is a manipulative power grab and that article is a request for your own martyrdom in the face of his issues. I like my partners to treat me as an equal and not manipulate or denigrate me or cast me as a character - obviating my free will - regardless of whether they are going through hard times.
If you do decide to break up and/or move, check the laws where you live before doing anything that might be grounds for legal action (like the suggestion to donate all his property after only one day's notice, which I'm fairly sure is not okay).
posted by vegartanipla at 9:03 AM on November 16, 2013 [7 favorites]
If you do decide to break up and/or move, check the laws where you live before doing anything that might be grounds for legal action (like the suggestion to donate all his property after only one day's notice, which I'm fairly sure is not okay).
posted by vegartanipla at 9:03 AM on November 16, 2013 [7 favorites]
It doesn't matter why he is doing this or whether he intends to come back. You are not to be toyed with like this and you should not tolerate this treatment.
I recommend a message along these lines:
"I am writing to let you know that, whatever your intentions may be, our relationship is over and I consider this to be non-negotiable. You have until [x date] to have your things out of the residence. If your things are not gone by then they will be thrown out."
posted by jayder at 9:27 AM on November 16, 2013 [6 favorites]
I recommend a message along these lines:
"I am writing to let you know that, whatever your intentions may be, our relationship is over and I consider this to be non-negotiable. You have until [x date] to have your things out of the residence. If your things are not gone by then they will be thrown out."
posted by jayder at 9:27 AM on November 16, 2013 [6 favorites]
What a tough situation for you both. While I have a lot of sympathy for your boyfriend, he is dropping the ball in his relationship with you. For whatever reason, he is not able to take your needs and feelings into account right now, but that does not make them any less legitimate. Just because he found an article where a woman decided to put her needs after those of her husband and her marriage does not mean that you have to do the same, especially when your commitment is not as deep. The bottom line here is that you are not a priority for your partner right now, so you have to look after yourself. There are times in life when you have to have your own back, and this is one of them.
Let your own feelings and needs guide your next steps. Do you think you can handle giving him some time and space, and if so, how much? Do you like the place where you're living, and can you afford the rent on your own for a specified amount of time? If you can't handle an ambiguous situation, and you are miserable where you're staying, then you are perfectly within your rights to tell him that you're cutting him loose. If you can handle being apart for a while, tell him that you are giving him XX amount of time, after which you will want to sit down and have a serious discussion about whether or not both of you wish to continue the relationship. (And don't put your own life on hold in the meantime.) If you want to stay in the apartment, tell him he needs to pay his half of the rent for you to do so. If you don't, put his stuff in storage and send him the key and the bill--you can sort out your next cohabitation arrangements, if any, when and if the time comes.
If you choose to wait, I'd strongly suggest using some of the time apart to think about what you want out of a partner, particularly in adverse circumstances. While the guy is under severe stress, there will be other situations like this one over the course of your lives together. If you don't want regular "breaks" in your relationship, but prefer to communicate and work together to support each other, you and he will need to find ways to do that.
posted by rpfields at 9:30 AM on November 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
Let your own feelings and needs guide your next steps. Do you think you can handle giving him some time and space, and if so, how much? Do you like the place where you're living, and can you afford the rent on your own for a specified amount of time? If you can't handle an ambiguous situation, and you are miserable where you're staying, then you are perfectly within your rights to tell him that you're cutting him loose. If you can handle being apart for a while, tell him that you are giving him XX amount of time, after which you will want to sit down and have a serious discussion about whether or not both of you wish to continue the relationship. (And don't put your own life on hold in the meantime.) If you want to stay in the apartment, tell him he needs to pay his half of the rent for you to do so. If you don't, put his stuff in storage and send him the key and the bill--you can sort out your next cohabitation arrangements, if any, when and if the time comes.
If you choose to wait, I'd strongly suggest using some of the time apart to think about what you want out of a partner, particularly in adverse circumstances. While the guy is under severe stress, there will be other situations like this one over the course of your lives together. If you don't want regular "breaks" in your relationship, but prefer to communicate and work together to support each other, you and he will need to find ways to do that.
posted by rpfields at 9:30 AM on November 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
He's got his battles to fight and he's not including you. When you're couple, you fight battles like this one as a team. One person doesn't sneak off and break contact.
You have a life to live. Box up his stuff. Text him and say he can pick any of the next 4 Saturday's to schedule a pick up. That pick up can be a UPS man if need be, but in 4 weeks it's all going to charity. It needs to be a scheduled time so that a friend can be there with you.
posted by 26.2 at 9:34 AM on November 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
You have a life to live. Box up his stuff. Text him and say he can pick any of the next 4 Saturday's to schedule a pick up. That pick up can be a UPS man if need be, but in 4 weeks it's all going to charity. It needs to be a scheduled time so that a friend can be there with you.
posted by 26.2 at 9:34 AM on November 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
That link is not an indirect way of breaking up, they stay together at the end. I would read it as a plea for patience.
He's still being lame.
Up to you how you respond. Just for purposes of thinking it through, I'd assume that he will eventually get his head on straight, and ask myself how good the last two years were, and what I really expect for the future.
Were you guys on track to get married, was everything otherwise pretty darn good? If so, I'd stick it out. Have you had other rocky episodes? Are one or both of you lukewarm on the idea that this is a permanent commitment? Then maybe this is the event that shows you it's time to move on.
posted by mattu at 9:38 AM on November 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
He's still being lame.
Up to you how you respond. Just for purposes of thinking it through, I'd assume that he will eventually get his head on straight, and ask myself how good the last two years were, and what I really expect for the future.
Were you guys on track to get married, was everything otherwise pretty darn good? If so, I'd stick it out. Have you had other rocky episodes? Are one or both of you lukewarm on the idea that this is a permanent commitment? Then maybe this is the event that shows you it's time to move on.
posted by mattu at 9:38 AM on November 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
Let him go, go get a fresh start yourself. The fact he did not communicate with you is a honking red flag, I don't care WHAT was going on.
You are not obligated to hang on with this, and frankly he needs his emotional energy to go to his child.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 9:41 AM on November 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
You are not obligated to hang on with this, and frankly he needs his emotional energy to go to his child.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 9:41 AM on November 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
The new information changes my answer, but not by much.
It sounds like he's going through a monstrous time, and that puts the sudden move into context. Generally speaking, children take priority over adult relationships, and it's reasonable to give someone a little leeway when they're going through something like this. He probably needs to focus on the court battle and put the relationship on the back burner.
But he still needs to be able to ask you for what he wants. And he still needs to remember that he is in a relationship, and he can't just drop out for a while and expect things to pick up where they left off. His stress and needs may be greater than yours right now, but they don't invalidate yours. Two-way street and all that.
I'd still recommend having the big talk, but I'd soften the ultimatum a bit. Make it clear that he needs to communicate better with you if he wants this relationship to continue.
Even if a breakup is not imminent, the future of a healthy relationship with him seems unlikely. Avoidance is toxic.
posted by Metroid Baby at 10:10 AM on November 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
It sounds like he's going through a monstrous time, and that puts the sudden move into context. Generally speaking, children take priority over adult relationships, and it's reasonable to give someone a little leeway when they're going through something like this. He probably needs to focus on the court battle and put the relationship on the back burner.
But he still needs to be able to ask you for what he wants. And he still needs to remember that he is in a relationship, and he can't just drop out for a while and expect things to pick up where they left off. His stress and needs may be greater than yours right now, but they don't invalidate yours. Two-way street and all that.
I'd still recommend having the big talk, but I'd soften the ultimatum a bit. Make it clear that he needs to communicate better with you if he wants this relationship to continue.
Even if a breakup is not imminent, the future of a healthy relationship with him seems unlikely. Avoidance is toxic.
posted by Metroid Baby at 10:10 AM on November 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
He's not treating you as a partner. He doesn't know how to communicate without blame. That he has a kid and difficult ex makes these things even more important.
posted by mandymanwasregistered at 10:11 AM on November 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by mandymanwasregistered at 10:11 AM on November 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
I'd just consider what your part in this is. Your snarky tit for tat reply ("no, meet MY needs")... his concern that if he talks to you, you'll just yell at him... I only have 1/10000 of the story, so I really don't know. But I wonder if your relationship has deeper communications challenges that have led him to feel that silence is the only option right now.
I find his behavior less than ideal, sure. But if he is in a crisis related to his children, and you're adding drama by yelling at him, or even insisting that he put your needs* first, I could see someone in that situation feeling like their attempts to communicate aren't working and adding significant stress when they're already beyond their limit and respond to this by shutting the other person (ie, you) out. (* not that you should never have needs, but also, it would be good to show awareness and in some cases understanding if he cannot be the one to meet them at this moment)
Again, hypothetically, I'm not saying this is true about you, but if someone was very demanding, unsympathetic, and prone to fighty drama, I could see someone in his shoes thinking "I have one week to establish residency and get a job there, or I lose my kid. All my girlfriend wants to talk about us why I'm not doing enough for her. I don't have time for a long fight right now! I can't handle having that level of angst and blame dumped on me while I'm trying to pull this off. This crisis will be behind me in three weeks, and then we can work out what it all means." It wouldn't be perfect or entirely justifiable, but it sounds like there might be other communication challenges in your relationship, so it might be the best of a few bad options or the best he can figure out to do right now.
I think I'd advise that person that if they can't get love and understanding from their mate at such a crisis moment, then the relationship should probably end, but it sounds like he's hoping to get a little space and then figure things out together once the crisis is over. He not asking for it particularly well, but it sounds like he believes that you'll yell instead of consider his needs and requests.
So, yes, you deserve better communication, but life doesn't always work out where everyone gets what they deserve. the universe is really giving him troubles, and those will ripple through to you. You may even be contributing to this by your own assumptions, demands, or communication style. So, sure, you can sit back and blame him and issue ultimatums. That may be justified; you may have already fully tried what I'm describing; I don't know the full story. But if you haven't tried extending him patience and understanding and really trying to support him in this crisis time (while staying aware of your own needs and limits), or even just communicating with a lot of compassion, then that might lead to a different long term outcome.
What's clear is that he can't meet your needs at this moment, so it will only hurt you both to continue to hold that expectation and angrily blame him when he cannot.
posted by salvia at 10:13 AM on November 16, 2013 [4 favorites]
I find his behavior less than ideal, sure. But if he is in a crisis related to his children, and you're adding drama by yelling at him, or even insisting that he put your needs* first, I could see someone in that situation feeling like their attempts to communicate aren't working and adding significant stress when they're already beyond their limit and respond to this by shutting the other person (ie, you) out. (* not that you should never have needs, but also, it would be good to show awareness and in some cases understanding if he cannot be the one to meet them at this moment)
Again, hypothetically, I'm not saying this is true about you, but if someone was very demanding, unsympathetic, and prone to fighty drama, I could see someone in his shoes thinking "I have one week to establish residency and get a job there, or I lose my kid. All my girlfriend wants to talk about us why I'm not doing enough for her. I don't have time for a long fight right now! I can't handle having that level of angst and blame dumped on me while I'm trying to pull this off. This crisis will be behind me in three weeks, and then we can work out what it all means." It wouldn't be perfect or entirely justifiable, but it sounds like there might be other communication challenges in your relationship, so it might be the best of a few bad options or the best he can figure out to do right now.
I think I'd advise that person that if they can't get love and understanding from their mate at such a crisis moment, then the relationship should probably end, but it sounds like he's hoping to get a little space and then figure things out together once the crisis is over. He not asking for it particularly well, but it sounds like he believes that you'll yell instead of consider his needs and requests.
So, yes, you deserve better communication, but life doesn't always work out where everyone gets what they deserve. the universe is really giving him troubles, and those will ripple through to you. You may even be contributing to this by your own assumptions, demands, or communication style. So, sure, you can sit back and blame him and issue ultimatums. That may be justified; you may have already fully tried what I'm describing; I don't know the full story. But if you haven't tried extending him patience and understanding and really trying to support him in this crisis time (while staying aware of your own needs and limits), or even just communicating with a lot of compassion, then that might lead to a different long term outcome.
What's clear is that he can't meet your needs at this moment, so it will only hurt you both to continue to hold that expectation and angrily blame him when he cannot.
posted by salvia at 10:13 AM on November 16, 2013 [4 favorites]
( I wanted to say that I referred to the completely wrong person as the writer of the article sent by the OP's partner. It's not Laura Holmes the mefite at all - I apologize! - it's Laura Munson who wrote the article. I apologize for that and hope it did not cause any bad feelings.)
posted by Frowner at 10:20 AM on November 16, 2013 [6 favorites]
posted by Frowner at 10:20 AM on November 16, 2013 [6 favorites]
You should not accept this behavior, regardless of his ex/custody issues, and regardless of your culpability in the communication difficulties you guys are facing. It simply does not matter.
posted by leopard at 10:56 AM on November 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by leopard at 10:56 AM on November 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
I am not sure how many of these recent answers noticed that your boyfriend is involved in a legal battle to rescue his own biological child from a "nightmare" situation. That is clearly a very pressing matter, something that would near universally be considered of great consequence, and he is also acting on his attorney's advice (and not simply guesswork).
But...he still excluded you 100% from the situation.
So here's a question for you: can you think of any challenging circumstances where you would exclude him from the process? How you answer that question sharply informs what your next move should be.
Personally, short of being kidnapped by Jigsaw, I couldn't think of any situation where I would exclude my wife from at least discussing the headaches or frustrations. Not saying it'd be business as usual -- I'd probably be distant and drained and "not myself" as the situation was unfolding -- but I would still be with her in spirit. And she would adjust her expectations to meet me the rest of the way. And vice versa, if the roles were reversed.
But that kind of shared commitment deepens over time, and young relationships (~2 years) need time to grow and develop without being pushed to the breaking point too soon. You have a tough choice that could go either way.
posted by 99percentfake at 11:29 AM on November 16, 2013 [6 favorites]
But...he still excluded you 100% from the situation.
So here's a question for you: can you think of any challenging circumstances where you would exclude him from the process? How you answer that question sharply informs what your next move should be.
Personally, short of being kidnapped by Jigsaw, I couldn't think of any situation where I would exclude my wife from at least discussing the headaches or frustrations. Not saying it'd be business as usual -- I'd probably be distant and drained and "not myself" as the situation was unfolding -- but I would still be with her in spirit. And she would adjust her expectations to meet me the rest of the way. And vice versa, if the roles were reversed.
But that kind of shared commitment deepens over time, and young relationships (~2 years) need time to grow and develop without being pushed to the breaking point too soon. You have a tough choice that could go either way.
posted by 99percentfake at 11:29 AM on November 16, 2013 [6 favorites]
Even in light of the update, I still stand by my answer. This is not a new situation. It's not like in the space of two years, the OP's boyfriend has not had a chance to talk about this situation with his GF. Two years. There's no way the custodial situation deteriorated so quickly. I understand it sucks, but why isn't he viewing his GF has a partner in this, someone who has his back and will help support him. I agree with other commenters that there are other, deeper fissures in the relationship, and that he's using this as the nuclear option.
I still believe you, OP, need to walk away. Give him a narrow window to say, "Yes, I still want to be with you." Otherwise, get on with your life.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 11:36 AM on November 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
I still believe you, OP, need to walk away. Give him a narrow window to say, "Yes, I still want to be with you." Otherwise, get on with your life.
posted by computech_apolloniajames at 11:36 AM on November 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
Whoa... I'm not taking the time to read in detail all of the comments, but on skim it doesn't look like anyone has read the book that this essay is a piece of - and I'm going to have totally disagree with the "immediately DTMFA" assessment.
I ran across this same article a couple of years ago, and it hit me SO HARD that I immediately got the book from the library. I've meant to order a copy and go through it with a highlighter, because, though at times the author is just not my cup of tea, she has an incredible amount of GOOD insight and there are some GOOD advice and useful tactics to be learned from her.
And I can repeat, GOOD. And I don't care what a therapist or etc would say, because I've USED the tactics - and recently - like two weeks ago. My guy is going through an extremely hard time right now himself. He lost an aunt and a cousin to a car accident, and this cousin was more like a close brother/friend to him. He's not been dealing with it well at all. On top of that, work and self-perception frustrations felt unbearable, and the always-constant money problems, plus my health issues, don't help.
Now, things hadn't gotten as bad for us yet as they had for Ms. Munson, but they were headed there quite soon - without getting into details, lets just say it was obvious.
And I took her plan (subconsciously, because I didn't realize it til I read this question) and confronted him with it - aka, there are clearly things wrong, he is NOT talking about them, what needs to happen so he can deal with them? His immediate reaction, though, was much the same. It was my fault, he was going to move out, he wasn't sure he loves me or still wants to be in the relationship, etc.
And I took the "I'm not buying it" road. After seven years, and a pretty darn good relationship, I think I have the right. Told him he needed to do what he needed to do to sort himself out, but I'm not basing my happiness on what he decides. Nor am I accepting blame for his unhappiness that isn't really about me - it's just a convenient place to land the blame, since I'm there (and not himself.) The kids and I would keep on doing what we need to. We've been alone before, and we're perfectly capable of it again.
This time, after a couple more days of quiet, things *very* rapidly started to resolve. He wasn't so far gone that he couldn't listen and respond to what I was actually saying - and he took the time to really think through what he was feeling, sort it into parts, and realize that yes, what I suggested was probably right - all these other feelings, he'd been transferring the blame to me and the relationship. Things aren't perfect, by any means, but they're much better, because he's no longer holding me accountable for things I have no influence whatsoever on.
In a relationship that really was pretty good and strong previously, a reaction like this *does* have the potential to change the future outcome. It's not foolproof, and by no means a sure relationship-saver, but 1) it's a heck of a lot healthier for the (sane?) party, regardless of how it turns out, and 2) might well alter the partner's path toward destructive behavior.
That's a long way of saying, there's a huge difference between what that essay's title says - and what the essay itself says. If he just picked a random title and sent it, yeah, it might well mean he's up and left, and you're just trying to pretend he didn't, and you need to let go and let him go. O
BUT!!! If he actually READ the essay, and sent it to you expecting you to read it, that's not what he's saying at all, at least in my opinion.
In that case, this would be what I think is going on:
He's telling you he's messed up right now. He knows it. He's self-aware enough to know that you - and your relationship - aren't really to blame. And via the article, he's asking you to respond by giving him what he needs to deal with his problems himself. He specifically doesn't want to harm you or your relationship more by casting the problems on you - and he's removed himself to try to prevent that.
My advice in this case? First, CALM DOWN. Turn off the emotional reaction. This isn't about you, it isn't about the two of you, it's about HIM. And THAT is what he tried to tell you with the link.
Second, assess things practically. What non-emotional things need addressed? Imminent bills you're both responsible for, things like car registration, the realities of just keeping things stable for both of you.
Third, Make your interactions with him solely on the practical matters right now. Get yourself together. He's doesn't get to decide whether you're happy or not - YOU DO. Yes, relationship problems can make be a bummer and make you feel sad. But that's NOT who you are all the time, it should never be your whole concept of yourself - and if it is, this is a good time to start changing that.
Fourth, most of the comments here are of this variety:
From the essay:My trusted friends were irate on my behalf. "How can you just stand by and accept this behavior? Kick him out! Get a lawyer!"
This is how you respond:
I walked my line with them, too. This man was hurting, yet his problem wasn't mine to solve. In fact, I needed to get out of his way so he could solve it.
Fifth, read the essay again. Read it a couple more times. Stop looking at the headline, and read and think about the interactions described in the essay. This'll help with #1 above. And then go get the book. It's by Laura Munson, and it's called This Is Not the Story You Think It Is...: A Season of Unlikely Happiness.
Read it. Ignore the moments where she comes across as superficial, privileged, pretentiously-literary, or annoying in whatever way, and read it for the gems, because they are there. If you bought the book, HIGHLIGHT THEM. If you didn't, write the things that speak to you down somewhere, either in her words or your own.
And good luck. I feel for you. I've been there - with my ex-husband. If I'd encounter her book much, much earlier in my life, I think there's a strong possibility he wouldn't be an EX. And even if he was, it would have been a passage that was much, much easier on myself and my children at the time, because I'd have reacted to things in much different ways. (Though as it stands, my current guy is something pretty special, and I wouldn't trade back for the world.)
posted by stormyteal at 11:38 AM on November 16, 2013 [7 favorites]
I ran across this same article a couple of years ago, and it hit me SO HARD that I immediately got the book from the library. I've meant to order a copy and go through it with a highlighter, because, though at times the author is just not my cup of tea, she has an incredible amount of GOOD insight and there are some GOOD advice and useful tactics to be learned from her.
And I can repeat, GOOD. And I don't care what a therapist or etc would say, because I've USED the tactics - and recently - like two weeks ago. My guy is going through an extremely hard time right now himself. He lost an aunt and a cousin to a car accident, and this cousin was more like a close brother/friend to him. He's not been dealing with it well at all. On top of that, work and self-perception frustrations felt unbearable, and the always-constant money problems, plus my health issues, don't help.
Now, things hadn't gotten as bad for us yet as they had for Ms. Munson, but they were headed there quite soon - without getting into details, lets just say it was obvious.
And I took her plan (subconsciously, because I didn't realize it til I read this question) and confronted him with it - aka, there are clearly things wrong, he is NOT talking about them, what needs to happen so he can deal with them? His immediate reaction, though, was much the same. It was my fault, he was going to move out, he wasn't sure he loves me or still wants to be in the relationship, etc.
And I took the "I'm not buying it" road. After seven years, and a pretty darn good relationship, I think I have the right. Told him he needed to do what he needed to do to sort himself out, but I'm not basing my happiness on what he decides. Nor am I accepting blame for his unhappiness that isn't really about me - it's just a convenient place to land the blame, since I'm there (and not himself.) The kids and I would keep on doing what we need to. We've been alone before, and we're perfectly capable of it again.
This time, after a couple more days of quiet, things *very* rapidly started to resolve. He wasn't so far gone that he couldn't listen and respond to what I was actually saying - and he took the time to really think through what he was feeling, sort it into parts, and realize that yes, what I suggested was probably right - all these other feelings, he'd been transferring the blame to me and the relationship. Things aren't perfect, by any means, but they're much better, because he's no longer holding me accountable for things I have no influence whatsoever on.
In a relationship that really was pretty good and strong previously, a reaction like this *does* have the potential to change the future outcome. It's not foolproof, and by no means a sure relationship-saver, but 1) it's a heck of a lot healthier for the (sane?) party, regardless of how it turns out, and 2) might well alter the partner's path toward destructive behavior.
That's a long way of saying, there's a huge difference between what that essay's title says - and what the essay itself says. If he just picked a random title and sent it, yeah, it might well mean he's up and left, and you're just trying to pretend he didn't, and you need to let go and let him go. O
BUT!!! If he actually READ the essay, and sent it to you expecting you to read it, that's not what he's saying at all, at least in my opinion.
In that case, this would be what I think is going on:
He's telling you he's messed up right now. He knows it. He's self-aware enough to know that you - and your relationship - aren't really to blame. And via the article, he's asking you to respond by giving him what he needs to deal with his problems himself. He specifically doesn't want to harm you or your relationship more by casting the problems on you - and he's removed himself to try to prevent that.
My advice in this case? First, CALM DOWN. Turn off the emotional reaction. This isn't about you, it isn't about the two of you, it's about HIM. And THAT is what he tried to tell you with the link.
Second, assess things practically. What non-emotional things need addressed? Imminent bills you're both responsible for, things like car registration, the realities of just keeping things stable for both of you.
Third, Make your interactions with him solely on the practical matters right now. Get yourself together. He's doesn't get to decide whether you're happy or not - YOU DO. Yes, relationship problems can make be a bummer and make you feel sad. But that's NOT who you are all the time, it should never be your whole concept of yourself - and if it is, this is a good time to start changing that.
Fourth, most of the comments here are of this variety:
From the essay:My trusted friends were irate on my behalf. "How can you just stand by and accept this behavior? Kick him out! Get a lawyer!"
This is how you respond:
I walked my line with them, too. This man was hurting, yet his problem wasn't mine to solve. In fact, I needed to get out of his way so he could solve it.
Fifth, read the essay again. Read it a couple more times. Stop looking at the headline, and read and think about the interactions described in the essay. This'll help with #1 above. And then go get the book. It's by Laura Munson, and it's called This Is Not the Story You Think It Is...: A Season of Unlikely Happiness.
Read it. Ignore the moments where she comes across as superficial, privileged, pretentiously-literary, or annoying in whatever way, and read it for the gems, because they are there. If you bought the book, HIGHLIGHT THEM. If you didn't, write the things that speak to you down somewhere, either in her words or your own.
And good luck. I feel for you. I've been there - with my ex-husband. If I'd encounter her book much, much earlier in my life, I think there's a strong possibility he wouldn't be an EX. And even if he was, it would have been a passage that was much, much easier on myself and my children at the time, because I'd have reacted to things in much different ways. (Though as it stands, my current guy is something pretty special, and I wouldn't trade back for the world.)
posted by stormyteal at 11:38 AM on November 16, 2013 [7 favorites]
Oh. And I'm sorry I wrote so long, but obviously, I had a lot to say - and since it was so different than most reactions, I felt you really needed to hear it.
I'd been reading on my tablet, and I actually hopped out of bed to answer on the computer - and had to explain the short version of why to my guy, which included a summary of the essay. Now I'm curious to see if he puts two and two together.
posted by stormyteal at 11:41 AM on November 16, 2013
I'd been reading on my tablet, and I actually hopped out of bed to answer on the computer - and had to explain the short version of why to my guy, which included a summary of the essay. Now I'm curious to see if he puts two and two together.
posted by stormyteal at 11:41 AM on November 16, 2013
My boyfriend of two years has given me the silent treatment for a week now.
He is going through a very dark time in his life and has made major life decisions (moving to a different state) without involving or discussing with me. I have repeatedly pressed him for answers for which he does not have (or does not want to share with me). Our last communication (last Friday) was via text where things got a little heated. He did not answer the phone when I called and instead texted me back saying that speaking about our issues before bed causes him to stay up all night. I responded that not speaking about it keeps me up all night. He said that we would speak in the morning. He had been out of town for a few weeks and was supposed to return home but extended his trip.
I left him alone for a few days and attempted contact again on Sunday. I sent several texts and called him twice. At this point, I was panicking. He had never iced me out like that before. On Monday, I again attempted to call him several times. I asked if this silence meant he needed space or if he wanted to break up. He finally responded later that afternoon with two texts. One saying he was sorry and the the other saying he did not want to talk because he did not want to get yelled at by me. I thanked him for responding to me. On Wednesday, he sent me an email with the following link: He said he was leaving. She ignored him. I left him alone for a few more days and once again attempted contact today. Radio silence.
I feel so lost and terribly sad. I have no clue what's going on. We live together and all of his belongings are still here. Am I to assume this relationship is over? He has not told me anything - that he needs space or we're broken up or to leave him alone. Just two texts and a link to an article that makes me more confused. Help!
...
He has not officially moved out of state. He is in the process of finding housing and work.
As for what he's going through, it's a very nasty court battle with his ex over their daughter. His ex is attempting to take visitation away while he's trying to spend more time with her. Currently he only gets to see her one weekend a month per the court order. He does not get to speak with her between visits. Believe me when I say the ex is a nightmare. He's scared to death that he may lose custody (visitation? I'm not sure of the correct term). It was at his attorney's advice that he gain employment and find housing in their city before the next court date.
We don't know anything about how you communicate with him.
He's in a very tough spot.
What do *you* want?
If he moves to where his child lives (is that where they lived together?) do you want to go with him?
How committed are you to this relationship?
If he talks to you, do you know how to really listen?
Are you giving him whatever help you can during the legal issues?
Moving *back* to where his child is might be an honorable thing to do, being a great parent. I think divorced parents should make every effort to stay in reasonable proximity. If you're trying to talk to him about the relationship without dealing with the parenting battle, he may have gone silent because he needs space just to cope. It's hard to say.
Take care of what you need, and wait. That's not easy. But go out, have your life, and when he shows up, listen a lot. Work on understanding what you really want, and whether or not he can and will be a part of that.
posted by theora55 at 11:47 AM on November 16, 2013
He is going through a very dark time in his life and has made major life decisions (moving to a different state) without involving or discussing with me. I have repeatedly pressed him for answers for which he does not have (or does not want to share with me). Our last communication (last Friday) was via text where things got a little heated. He did not answer the phone when I called and instead texted me back saying that speaking about our issues before bed causes him to stay up all night. I responded that not speaking about it keeps me up all night. He said that we would speak in the morning. He had been out of town for a few weeks and was supposed to return home but extended his trip.
I left him alone for a few days and attempted contact again on Sunday. I sent several texts and called him twice. At this point, I was panicking. He had never iced me out like that before. On Monday, I again attempted to call him several times. I asked if this silence meant he needed space or if he wanted to break up. He finally responded later that afternoon with two texts. One saying he was sorry and the the other saying he did not want to talk because he did not want to get yelled at by me. I thanked him for responding to me. On Wednesday, he sent me an email with the following link: He said he was leaving. She ignored him. I left him alone for a few more days and once again attempted contact today. Radio silence.
I feel so lost and terribly sad. I have no clue what's going on. We live together and all of his belongings are still here. Am I to assume this relationship is over? He has not told me anything - that he needs space or we're broken up or to leave him alone. Just two texts and a link to an article that makes me more confused. Help!
...
He has not officially moved out of state. He is in the process of finding housing and work.
As for what he's going through, it's a very nasty court battle with his ex over their daughter. His ex is attempting to take visitation away while he's trying to spend more time with her. Currently he only gets to see her one weekend a month per the court order. He does not get to speak with her between visits. Believe me when I say the ex is a nightmare. He's scared to death that he may lose custody (visitation? I'm not sure of the correct term). It was at his attorney's advice that he gain employment and find housing in their city before the next court date.
We don't know anything about how you communicate with him.
He's in a very tough spot.
What do *you* want?
If he moves to where his child lives (is that where they lived together?) do you want to go with him?
How committed are you to this relationship?
If he talks to you, do you know how to really listen?
Are you giving him whatever help you can during the legal issues?
Moving *back* to where his child is might be an honorable thing to do, being a great parent. I think divorced parents should make every effort to stay in reasonable proximity. If you're trying to talk to him about the relationship without dealing with the parenting battle, he may have gone silent because he needs space just to cope. It's hard to say.
Take care of what you need, and wait. That's not easy. But go out, have your life, and when he shows up, listen a lot. Work on understanding what you really want, and whether or not he can and will be a part of that.
posted by theora55 at 11:47 AM on November 16, 2013
The custody of the child and issues with the Ex are obviously a big problem. However, you've been together for 2 years and partners face this stuff together. The fact that he didn't consult you on much of this is troubling.
I take the article as a poorly phrased request for time. It's up to you if you want to grant time/space and how much before you call it quits.
Look after yourself, and remember that you have the right to be happy.
posted by arcticseal at 11:48 AM on November 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
I take the article as a poorly phrased request for time. It's up to you if you want to grant time/space and how much before you call it quits.
Look after yourself, and remember that you have the right to be happy.
posted by arcticseal at 11:48 AM on November 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Another day, another cryptic email. He has sent a link to a song that "brought tears to his eyes". Zac Brown Band - Colder Weather in case anyone is curious.
Thank you all for your words. I have a lot to think about.
Upon first reading of the article, I was upset that he sent me a link to explain his bad behavior. When he left three weeks ago, I did not know about the move. I understand everything is happening quickly and I know it's not about me. I would consider a move but he has not asked (would complicate things right now but that's a whole nother question).
I love this man deeply and I hope to get a better understanding of the situation once the court date is over. For now, I'm going to focus on me.
posted by showmetheway at 12:10 PM on November 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
Thank you all for your words. I have a lot to think about.
Upon first reading of the article, I was upset that he sent me a link to explain his bad behavior. When he left three weeks ago, I did not know about the move. I understand everything is happening quickly and I know it's not about me. I would consider a move but he has not asked (would complicate things right now but that's a whole nother question).
I love this man deeply and I hope to get a better understanding of the situation once the court date is over. For now, I'm going to focus on me.
posted by showmetheway at 12:10 PM on November 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
Oh, for fuck's sake. Sending cryptic messages via song choice is for teenagers and 20somethings making mixtapes (or the digital equivalent) for their crushes; it's not for adult partners who have been together for 2 years, especially when one of them is going through a significant crisis such as this.
The fact that he is repeatedly refusing to use words to state his needs clearly -- especially with the full knowledge that this refusal is actively causing his partner pain -- is something that I think should give you serious pause, and which (from my reading of the situation, including the updates) suggests that there are some significant issues around communication and respect here.
posted by scody at 12:38 PM on November 16, 2013 [62 favorites]
The fact that he is repeatedly refusing to use words to state his needs clearly -- especially with the full knowledge that this refusal is actively causing his partner pain -- is something that I think should give you serious pause, and which (from my reading of the situation, including the updates) suggests that there are some significant issues around communication and respect here.
posted by scody at 12:38 PM on November 16, 2013 [62 favorites]
He's immature and a drama llama. This (at least partially) explains his drama filled issues with his ex.
You should RUN from this relationship.
He's not an adult. Your life with him will ALWAYS be like this if you stay.
But there's good news!
You have a plum opportunity right now to change the trajectory of your life and make trouble, grief, and upset of this nature a feature of your past.
Dump him and start working on yourself.
Life can be SO much more stable and pleasant. Dump this guy and rewrite your priorities.
Good luck.
posted by jbenben at 12:47 PM on November 16, 2013 [13 favorites]
You should RUN from this relationship.
He's not an adult. Your life with him will ALWAYS be like this if you stay.
But there's good news!
You have a plum opportunity right now to change the trajectory of your life and make trouble, grief, and upset of this nature a feature of your past.
Dump him and start working on yourself.
Life can be SO much more stable and pleasant. Dump this guy and rewrite your priorities.
Good luck.
posted by jbenben at 12:47 PM on November 16, 2013 [13 favorites]
I understand your urge to be empathetic towards this guy. You love him and he's hurting. But please heed the warnings you are getting here. This isn't about him and how he's behaving (Ignore that drama, as addictive as it feels to try an unravel all the mystery and song links) it's about your relationship. Do you want to be in a relationship with such poor communication and so little care and respect? Loving adult relationships don't look like this. How could you ever relax and truly trust him again?
posted by Dorothia at 1:03 PM on November 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by Dorothia at 1:03 PM on November 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
Well, the link he sent you, which you can put a lot of importance on considering his otherwise reticence with you, says quite clearly that he does not want to break up with you. It says he is not, and does not want to break up with you, but feels himself to be going through something or other that can be only worked through in the way that he is, regardless of how it might appear. And that regardless of his silence and how it appears, he himself, does not feel it is over with you. I have no comment as to whether he is right or wrong in doing this, or whether he is simply a creep. I doubt it's as simple as that. Obviously what you want to do, and what you're willing to tolerate and weather through is something only you can figure out. No doubt if you decide not to break up with him and try to get through this it will be a hard situation and it may or may not get better. It might not be possible since working out his own stuff seems to mean that he can not take into consideration much at all at this time what your feeling about everything are right now. You may have to break up with him for now, and if he's worked through some of his stuff in the future maybe you can try again in a more reciprocal way.
posted by Blitz at 1:06 PM on November 16, 2013
posted by Blitz at 1:06 PM on November 16, 2013
> Zac Brown Band - Colder Weather
So he's got a "gypsy soul to blame," huh?
This is not how adults communicate, no matter how stressed out they are. And his custody battle, while awful, is just one bad time out of many you guys are going to face if you stick with him. What if you have kids with him? Are you going to send him links to "Cat's in the Cradle" if he works too late? Because that's comparable to what he's doing to you.
He's being overly dramatic, immature, and unhelpful. I know you love him, but look: he's showing you clearly what he's like when he's facing stress. Life is full of stress. Your life is going to be full of months like this one if you stay with him. Is that what you want?
posted by The corpse in the library at 1:43 PM on November 16, 2013 [20 favorites]
So he's got a "gypsy soul to blame," huh?
This is not how adults communicate, no matter how stressed out they are. And his custody battle, while awful, is just one bad time out of many you guys are going to face if you stick with him. What if you have kids with him? Are you going to send him links to "Cat's in the Cradle" if he works too late? Because that's comparable to what he's doing to you.
He's being overly dramatic, immature, and unhelpful. I know you love him, but look: he's showing you clearly what he's like when he's facing stress. Life is full of stress. Your life is going to be full of months like this one if you stay with him. Is that what you want?
posted by The corpse in the library at 1:43 PM on November 16, 2013 [20 favorites]
I would not sign up for a lifetime of this, he is showing you how he handles stress, and I don't know about you but that is not how I would want my life to go with a partner.
I am not saying he is evil but I am saying that if this is not the type of stuff you want to deal with for at least as long as it takes that child to become an adult....there are other, calmer fish in the sea.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 1:48 PM on November 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
I am not saying he is evil but I am saying that if this is not the type of stuff you want to deal with for at least as long as it takes that child to become an adult....there are other, calmer fish in the sea.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 1:48 PM on November 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
And I forgot to add...if he does not see you as a source of strength now, well, doesn't that tell you something?
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 1:49 PM on November 16, 2013 [11 favorites]
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 1:49 PM on November 16, 2013 [11 favorites]
He really doesn't respect you or even like you. Don't let yourself get treated like that. Don't let him do this to you.
Leave him.
posted by discopolo at 2:19 PM on November 16, 2013
Leave him.
posted by discopolo at 2:19 PM on November 16, 2013
But the woman in the article had kids with the guy, and was married to him. She had a lifelong commitment and a family. You have a boyfriend. I'm not saying you don't love him, I'm saying that woman put up with that situation because she had a lot at stake, and a lot of women still wouldn't want that for themselves.
This. The article he linked you is about how after the singles-in-the-city romance has worn off and you've achieved your dreams, it's easy to run scared thinking there's nothing more to get out of that relationship and you need something new to make you happy.
You guys have been dating for two years-- you're still in romance world. Or you should be, in some sense. He's asking you to sacrifice an unknown amount of time to let him run wild and explore things and heal and discover that there's nothing he wants more than to be with you.
The thing is, that kind of romantic notion rarely works in a premeditated fashion. Do you guys have a family and two kids? Are you his high school sweetheart? If neither of those things are true, then it's unlikely he'll feel a strong, primal pull back to you once he goes out runnin' around.
I couldn't do it for someone I'd been with for two years unless they absolutely blew my mind with how perfect we were together. You can try. It's up to you. But the woman in the article had a family and that was a big part of what made her unflagging strength interesting-- she continued to care for that family and waited for him to come back to it because he had an unimpeachable part in it. He doesn't have an unimpeachable part of you!
I teared up reading the article, but a big reason it was so moving was that the guy in it was truly lost and his wife knew him so well she could see that and do something about it. Something simultaneously patient and loving and proactive. It doesn't seem like you know this guy well enough to say "snap out of it!" in so many words. The fact that he's telling you "hey, please let me have this time to myself, and I'll get back to you eventually" doesn't bode well to me-- he's not just making a mistake ("I don't love you anymore"), he's knowingly making an incredibly selfish request.
posted by stoneandstar at 2:31 PM on November 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
This. The article he linked you is about how after the singles-in-the-city romance has worn off and you've achieved your dreams, it's easy to run scared thinking there's nothing more to get out of that relationship and you need something new to make you happy.
You guys have been dating for two years-- you're still in romance world. Or you should be, in some sense. He's asking you to sacrifice an unknown amount of time to let him run wild and explore things and heal and discover that there's nothing he wants more than to be with you.
The thing is, that kind of romantic notion rarely works in a premeditated fashion. Do you guys have a family and two kids? Are you his high school sweetheart? If neither of those things are true, then it's unlikely he'll feel a strong, primal pull back to you once he goes out runnin' around.
I couldn't do it for someone I'd been with for two years unless they absolutely blew my mind with how perfect we were together. You can try. It's up to you. But the woman in the article had a family and that was a big part of what made her unflagging strength interesting-- she continued to care for that family and waited for him to come back to it because he had an unimpeachable part in it. He doesn't have an unimpeachable part of you!
I teared up reading the article, but a big reason it was so moving was that the guy in it was truly lost and his wife knew him so well she could see that and do something about it. Something simultaneously patient and loving and proactive. It doesn't seem like you know this guy well enough to say "snap out of it!" in so many words. The fact that he's telling you "hey, please let me have this time to myself, and I'll get back to you eventually" doesn't bode well to me-- he's not just making a mistake ("I don't love you anymore"), he's knowingly making an incredibly selfish request.
posted by stoneandstar at 2:31 PM on November 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
I say this having gone through a period early in my current relationship where my boyfriend wasn't sure what he wanted and wasn't ready to commit. But he told me clearly, "I'm afraid of what's happening with us, but I don't want to lose you just because I'm confused." I was sad at the time but I love and respect him for his honesty and strength now.
posted by stoneandstar at 2:33 PM on November 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by stoneandstar at 2:33 PM on November 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
Divorced, huh?
So, at this point, regardless, I would assume that you are far, faaaar on the back burner. As a parent of a young child, if I thought I suddenly would not be a part of her life, there is nothing, nothing that would distract me from ensuring that she did not leave my life. I'm always baffled by the parents that can move far away from their children after divorce. I'm not saying that makes them a bad parent, I just don't understand how they can do it and function.
So, I'd say his dark times are pretty dark indeed.
I'd say his communication and empathy skills are complete and total crap. Which may have something to do with the failure of his prior relationship. Who knows? The ex is "crazy" right? They always are.
I think you need to decide what is best for you and act accordingly. Can you support him in his quest to keep visitation with his child? If you can't throw in with this goal with all your energy then I think you may need to accept that you are broken up and move on.
posted by amanda at 3:28 PM on November 16, 2013 [5 favorites]
So, at this point, regardless, I would assume that you are far, faaaar on the back burner. As a parent of a young child, if I thought I suddenly would not be a part of her life, there is nothing, nothing that would distract me from ensuring that she did not leave my life. I'm always baffled by the parents that can move far away from their children after divorce. I'm not saying that makes them a bad parent, I just don't understand how they can do it and function.
So, I'd say his dark times are pretty dark indeed.
I'd say his communication and empathy skills are complete and total crap. Which may have something to do with the failure of his prior relationship. Who knows? The ex is "crazy" right? They always are.
I think you need to decide what is best for you and act accordingly. Can you support him in his quest to keep visitation with his child? If you can't throw in with this goal with all your energy then I think you may need to accept that you are broken up and move on.
posted by amanda at 3:28 PM on November 16, 2013 [5 favorites]
Can you support him in his quest to keep visitation with his child?
I don't think the OP's boyfriend has given her much of a chance to offer her support.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 3:37 PM on November 16, 2013 [6 favorites]
I don't think the OP's boyfriend has given her much of a chance to offer her support.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 3:37 PM on November 16, 2013 [6 favorites]
OP, it sounds like your bf is dealing with something really hard. But you don't get to treat your loved ones like crap when you're going through something really hard. You've only been with this guy for two years. If you want to give hom time and space, I would give him until the new year.
The cryptic emails would really annoy me. I'd maybe just reply with, I miss you and love you, hope to see you soon. Maybe once in a while, text or email something that you think will make him smile, like a memory you share. But don't try to translate his babble. Email him the way that you want him to email you, in a clear, direct but not hostile way.
I think that if he keeps this up for a few weeks, you should send him an email like, "sorry, adults don't communicate via song lyrics and links to essays written by other people, I'm not putting my life on hold indefinitely while you figure things out without me. I boxed up your things. Let me know when you can come get them."
I'm sorry.
posted by kat518 at 4:09 PM on November 16, 2013 [4 favorites]
The cryptic emails would really annoy me. I'd maybe just reply with, I miss you and love you, hope to see you soon. Maybe once in a while, text or email something that you think will make him smile, like a memory you share. But don't try to translate his babble. Email him the way that you want him to email you, in a clear, direct but not hostile way.
I think that if he keeps this up for a few weeks, you should send him an email like, "sorry, adults don't communicate via song lyrics and links to essays written by other people, I'm not putting my life on hold indefinitely while you figure things out without me. I boxed up your things. Let me know when you can come get them."
I'm sorry.
posted by kat518 at 4:09 PM on November 16, 2013 [4 favorites]
I think you are doing the right thing. Slow down. Back off.
Your pain and uncertainty are intense and feel urgent, but there is not actually any urgency for you here to figure out what to do. Even if this is the death knell of the relationship, and it may well ought to be, there's no need for you to pack up his boxes yesterday. Really, you were going to be back out and dating tomorrow if you broke up with him today?
This is an opportunity for you to explore managing you own emotions and to figure out what you want and need from a partner. In the mean time, even if you end up breaking up with him, if you love him at all, it sounds like it might be kind to wait to do so until after the immediate real urgency with his custody case is passed or at least on hold.
You've been in love with him for years. I'm going to guess he's not a complete asshole. He may be an emotional basketcase who's handling this like a panicked and arrogant teenager, and he may not be suited to be your partner, but it's not about punishing him for his actions or immaturity or whatever. It's about figuring out what you want and need and whether he is the right partner for you, and I don't see anything to be gained by rushing it.
posted by Salamandrous at 4:16 PM on November 16, 2013 [9 favorites]
Your pain and uncertainty are intense and feel urgent, but there is not actually any urgency for you here to figure out what to do. Even if this is the death knell of the relationship, and it may well ought to be, there's no need for you to pack up his boxes yesterday. Really, you were going to be back out and dating tomorrow if you broke up with him today?
This is an opportunity for you to explore managing you own emotions and to figure out what you want and need from a partner. In the mean time, even if you end up breaking up with him, if you love him at all, it sounds like it might be kind to wait to do so until after the immediate real urgency with his custody case is passed or at least on hold.
You've been in love with him for years. I'm going to guess he's not a complete asshole. He may be an emotional basketcase who's handling this like a panicked and arrogant teenager, and he may not be suited to be your partner, but it's not about punishing him for his actions or immaturity or whatever. It's about figuring out what you want and need and whether he is the right partner for you, and I don't see anything to be gained by rushing it.
posted by Salamandrous at 4:16 PM on November 16, 2013 [9 favorites]
Feel free to call me wrong, and I may very well be. I don't know you, your guy, or your relationship. I'm normally all for "get the he**" out ASAP when signs indicate it. The song, though, after the essay, and after your post about the possibly WHYs behind the relocation... here's my take, for what it's worth, just the words of a random internet stranger.
[Comment specifically on the song at end.]
He feels trapped. He feels he absolutely has to be there for his child, and he's at the mercy of some things outside his control: the ex, the court. If the ex doesn't have some darn good reason for reducing/removing visitation or custody, then the situation with the child is being used to hurt and to control him. One way to hurt him is to break you guys up, and it's an unsurprising tactic from an ex, even if they want nothing to do with the person.
He hasn't, based on what you've said, outright broken up with you. In fact, leaving his stuff there, when he hasn't blatantly broken up with you, is an indication he's planning on coming back/wants to come back. Maybe doesn't even want to leave in the first place, but has to.
My curiosity level is pretty high, here, because in general, people don't just randomly pick up and go unless they *are* leaving - and generally, they take everything possible with them when they do. Then again, my ex didn't. He left a lot of doors open, all those years ago, and I didn't know how to help him figure out which side of those doors he really wanted to be on. I panicked and demanded answers, when he didn't have any to give.
Sometimes, forcing the issue and pushing for an "I need an answer RIGHT NOW", especially when there are other things going on that deserve just as much emotion and energy from the person, will result in them making a decision they really don't want, but at least it would get the pressure off.
In summary, given the circumstances you've added - definitely calm down and focus on you. You haven't mentioned if you rent, own, what the financial status is like - if you're in a situation where you *can* just hang in there for a bit longer, at least til that court date, do.
As for that song - the gypsy part, yeah, well, that might not be good. Is that him? You already know.
If you're not sure, if that isn't a typical common pattern for him that you already know - then this is what I get, when I read it as a whole:
She'd trade Colorado if he'd take her with him,
He knows she'd go if he asked her to.
Closes the door before the winter lets the cold in,
She'd try to shelter him from the bad if he'd let her, but maybe it would encourage him to avoid dealing with it.
And wonders if her love is strong enough to make him stay,
He may think she expects, if he loved her enough, he'd choose her over his child.
She's answered by the tail lights, Shining through the window pane
He's chosen to fight for his child.
He said I wanna see you again
He wants to come back
But I'm stuck in colder weather
He's trapped in the situation right now
Maybe tomorrow will be better
Can I call you then
He's hoping things get better, and he can just come home - and he wants her to still be there when he can.
She said you're ramblin', You ain't ever gonna change, You gotta gypsy soul to blame, And you were born for leavin'
Maybe - he doesn't feel she's listening to or understanding what he needs to do right now, reacting with anger and upset and taking it personally, when it's for his kid.
[The truck stop and later lyrics could be relevant, but - they might not be. In my experience, guys never listen to the whole darn song... I've had a couple tell me that a song was "just how they feel" that were then horrified when I pointed out, "but what about THAT part?"
Well it's a winding road, When your in the lost and found, You're a lover I'm a runner, We go 'round 'n 'round, And I love you but I leave you, I don't want you but I need you, You know it's you who calls me back here
Is he? Does he? You know this, we don't.
And when I close my eyes I see you
No matter where I am
She's who he's thinking of.
It's a shame about the weather
The circumstances suck right now, and he doesn't like them either.
I know soon we'll be together
He believes they'll be together (in the same place) soon
And I can't wait till then, I can't wait till then
And he's looking forward to it.
In other words, again, he's asking you to hang in there a bit. At least, I think so. But he's not entirely sure what's next, and may not feel it's an appropriate time yet - or fair to you - if he asks you to go. If he were to lose all visitation (unlikely unless the ex has concrete reasons and things like restraining orders, children's services and such against him), then it'd just be painful for the two of you to have moved there, rather than him returning when it was over.
If you can manage it, and you feel like what I'm suggesting might have some truth to it, compose a short message in return. Not angry, not accusatory, not demanding, not confrontational, just calm and matter of fact. Something along the lines of, "From the links you've sent me, I'm getting the impression you're asking for me to be patient and give you a little bit of time to sort things out, perhaps until [court date]. Is that what you're trying to say, or am I misunderstanding?"
If there's financial issues to worry about - like rent or house payment or electric or other bills that are in your name that have generally been mutually paid, but you're not going to be able to cover on your own, add, again in CALM. "I'm concerned about X, because it's something you normally pay/help pay. I need to know if you anticipate to still be able to do so, or if I should be trying to make other arrangements."
Yeah, in other words, if there's any chance this isn't his typical behavior - and you know, after two years living together, if it is - at least respond as a calm adult, not with all the drama of "OMG I hate you and I'm going to move and not leave a forwarding address and dump all your stuff off at the thrift store!"
posted by stormyteal at 8:23 PM on November 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
[Comment specifically on the song at end.]
He feels trapped. He feels he absolutely has to be there for his child, and he's at the mercy of some things outside his control: the ex, the court. If the ex doesn't have some darn good reason for reducing/removing visitation or custody, then the situation with the child is being used to hurt and to control him. One way to hurt him is to break you guys up, and it's an unsurprising tactic from an ex, even if they want nothing to do with the person.
He hasn't, based on what you've said, outright broken up with you. In fact, leaving his stuff there, when he hasn't blatantly broken up with you, is an indication he's planning on coming back/wants to come back. Maybe doesn't even want to leave in the first place, but has to.
My curiosity level is pretty high, here, because in general, people don't just randomly pick up and go unless they *are* leaving - and generally, they take everything possible with them when they do. Then again, my ex didn't. He left a lot of doors open, all those years ago, and I didn't know how to help him figure out which side of those doors he really wanted to be on. I panicked and demanded answers, when he didn't have any to give.
Sometimes, forcing the issue and pushing for an "I need an answer RIGHT NOW", especially when there are other things going on that deserve just as much emotion and energy from the person, will result in them making a decision they really don't want, but at least it would get the pressure off.
In summary, given the circumstances you've added - definitely calm down and focus on you. You haven't mentioned if you rent, own, what the financial status is like - if you're in a situation where you *can* just hang in there for a bit longer, at least til that court date, do.
As for that song - the gypsy part, yeah, well, that might not be good. Is that him? You already know.
If you're not sure, if that isn't a typical common pattern for him that you already know - then this is what I get, when I read it as a whole:
She'd trade Colorado if he'd take her with him,
He knows she'd go if he asked her to.
Closes the door before the winter lets the cold in,
She'd try to shelter him from the bad if he'd let her, but maybe it would encourage him to avoid dealing with it.
And wonders if her love is strong enough to make him stay,
He may think she expects, if he loved her enough, he'd choose her over his child.
She's answered by the tail lights, Shining through the window pane
He's chosen to fight for his child.
He said I wanna see you again
He wants to come back
But I'm stuck in colder weather
He's trapped in the situation right now
Maybe tomorrow will be better
Can I call you then
He's hoping things get better, and he can just come home - and he wants her to still be there when he can.
She said you're ramblin', You ain't ever gonna change, You gotta gypsy soul to blame, And you were born for leavin'
Maybe - he doesn't feel she's listening to or understanding what he needs to do right now, reacting with anger and upset and taking it personally, when it's for his kid.
[The truck stop and later lyrics could be relevant, but - they might not be. In my experience, guys never listen to the whole darn song... I've had a couple tell me that a song was "just how they feel" that were then horrified when I pointed out, "but what about THAT part?"
Well it's a winding road, When your in the lost and found, You're a lover I'm a runner, We go 'round 'n 'round, And I love you but I leave you, I don't want you but I need you, You know it's you who calls me back here
Is he? Does he? You know this, we don't.
And when I close my eyes I see you
No matter where I am
She's who he's thinking of.
It's a shame about the weather
The circumstances suck right now, and he doesn't like them either.
I know soon we'll be together
He believes they'll be together (in the same place) soon
And I can't wait till then, I can't wait till then
And he's looking forward to it.
In other words, again, he's asking you to hang in there a bit. At least, I think so. But he's not entirely sure what's next, and may not feel it's an appropriate time yet - or fair to you - if he asks you to go. If he were to lose all visitation (unlikely unless the ex has concrete reasons and things like restraining orders, children's services and such against him), then it'd just be painful for the two of you to have moved there, rather than him returning when it was over.
If you can manage it, and you feel like what I'm suggesting might have some truth to it, compose a short message in return. Not angry, not accusatory, not demanding, not confrontational, just calm and matter of fact. Something along the lines of, "From the links you've sent me, I'm getting the impression you're asking for me to be patient and give you a little bit of time to sort things out, perhaps until [court date]. Is that what you're trying to say, or am I misunderstanding?"
If there's financial issues to worry about - like rent or house payment or electric or other bills that are in your name that have generally been mutually paid, but you're not going to be able to cover on your own, add, again in CALM. "I'm concerned about X, because it's something you normally pay/help pay. I need to know if you anticipate to still be able to do so, or if I should be trying to make other arrangements."
Yeah, in other words, if there's any chance this isn't his typical behavior - and you know, after two years living together, if it is - at least respond as a calm adult, not with all the drama of "OMG I hate you and I'm going to move and not leave a forwarding address and dump all your stuff off at the thrift store!"
posted by stormyteal at 8:23 PM on November 16, 2013 [1 favorite]
A man who expects someone to wait around based on close reading of pop lyrics is not a man anyone should stay with.
posted by winna at 8:42 PM on November 16, 2013 [54 favorites]
posted by winna at 8:42 PM on November 16, 2013 [54 favorites]
Lots of different people are reading the same messages lots of different ways here, which is a perfect illustration of the reason I continue to claim that attempting to conduct emotionally important conversations via text is such a horrible mistake.
It's a mistake that digital natives are particularly prone to, having grown up in a social environment where the forces of corporate intrusion into private interaction are almost overwhelmingly strong. I don't think that a desperate attempt to work around the inherent barrenness of text messaging by sending links to emotionally potent art necessarily demonstrates immaturity. Naivety, yes, but not necessarily immaturity.
If you love this man, wait until you're face to face before trying to sort this out. Until then, spend some time pondering what you would want from him if your positions were exactly reversed.
posted by flabdablet at 9:20 PM on November 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
It's a mistake that digital natives are particularly prone to, having grown up in a social environment where the forces of corporate intrusion into private interaction are almost overwhelmingly strong. I don't think that a desperate attempt to work around the inherent barrenness of text messaging by sending links to emotionally potent art necessarily demonstrates immaturity. Naivety, yes, but not necessarily immaturity.
If you love this man, wait until you're face to face before trying to sort this out. Until then, spend some time pondering what you would want from him if your positions were exactly reversed.
posted by flabdablet at 9:20 PM on November 16, 2013 [2 favorites]
Mod note: Comment deleted. Again, address the OP with your helpful advice -- don't argue with other people.
posted by taz (staff) at 10:39 PM on November 16, 2013
posted by taz (staff) at 10:39 PM on November 16, 2013
I cannot beg you more strenuously not to enter the world of interpreting lyrics that are being used to send you messages.
Yes, the information about the kid changes the answer somewhat. It's far less bizarre that he moved somewhere else without you. But it's no less bizarre that he did it without talking to you or communicating with you. No matter who does what in the communication department, if his solution to a crisis after two years together is to go off on his own to avoid getting yelled at and then start sending you links to Zac Brown songs, I don't think this will go well.
As for the interpretation of the article, there is a huge, massive difference between being the husband of the woman who wrote it and being a guy who says consciously, "Here, this is me, this is what I'm doing." Much like there is a difference between a guy who passingly reminds you of the song "Desperado" and a guy who says, "If you want to understand me, you have to listen to the song, 'Desperado.'"
posted by Linda_Holmes at 4:48 AM on November 17, 2013 [18 favorites]
Yes, the information about the kid changes the answer somewhat. It's far less bizarre that he moved somewhere else without you. But it's no less bizarre that he did it without talking to you or communicating with you. No matter who does what in the communication department, if his solution to a crisis after two years together is to go off on his own to avoid getting yelled at and then start sending you links to Zac Brown songs, I don't think this will go well.
As for the interpretation of the article, there is a huge, massive difference between being the husband of the woman who wrote it and being a guy who says consciously, "Here, this is me, this is what I'm doing." Much like there is a difference between a guy who passingly reminds you of the song "Desperado" and a guy who says, "If you want to understand me, you have to listen to the song, 'Desperado.'"
posted by Linda_Holmes at 4:48 AM on November 17, 2013 [18 favorites]
You don't need him to tell you it's over. You can just decide.
posted by French Fry at 10:50 AM on November 17, 2013 [6 favorites]
posted by French Fry at 10:50 AM on November 17, 2013 [6 favorites]
Looking at the article, it's possible that he could have meant that you were the distance that he needed away from his kid, temporarily, and that he's now done having distance and is going to return his focus to his kid.
posted by yohko at 12:36 PM on November 17, 2013
posted by yohko at 12:36 PM on November 17, 2013
I am sorry for the situation you are in. I can only imagine what must be going through your mind day in and day out.
As much as you love this dude, I hope you understand that he needs to grow up. He is dealing with drama with the ex, and he is turning your relationship into the second play. Just because you love him does not imply that your life automatically goes on standby when he decides to make decisions unilaterally. You are a couple, right? Both of you decide together or you are not really together.
I'd say the ball is really in your court. I was stunned that its been three weeks already! Forgive me if I missed this info but I didn't get what your current living situation is, other than that you live together. Are you renting? Who is on the lease? What are the laws in your state for getting out of that lease? When does the lease end? If you want to still wait for him to sort some things out out of love or compassion for his situation (as screwed up and immature he may be), that's understandable but you don't have to do it in the common apt/house. The way he is dealing with this crisis tells you a lot about what your future might look like if you stay together. As someone mentioned on here in another thread, "You get only more of what you tolerate". The fact that you didn't know about the move and that he didn't discuss it with you is very telling of the health of your relationship and its future. You need to sort your head on this one. I am not saying break up with him now, I am saying that he has done you a favor by giving you time and evidence to think about all these things. And right now, its not up to just him to decide whether you are going to be together or not. He has really given you the authority of making that decision unilaterally.
So as an outsider with a narrow insight into the situation, I'd make a few changes beginning with giving him the "radio silence", unless he is actually communicating by TALKING to you- you know, where one person speaks and the other one listens, and then the second one gets to talk and the first one listens. So no more of the email/text crap. No more twisted, cryptic messages. You are his partner, not his mother. You don't become his mother by *being* there all the time no matter what. And no, if you have each other's phone number, there is no need to send an email saying "Honey, I am going to just talk on the phone now". Just act on the changes that make your life saner and as peaceful as it can be right now.
In the meantime, I'd figure out your housing situation. What are your other options and how soon can you move into a place of your own. I wouldn't wait on figuring the logistics out till the court date. Do you know when that is anyway? If you can resolve your housing situation you really don't have much to worry about his leaving. This is such an awful, awful way to treat a partner you love and respect.
posted by xm at 12:47 PM on November 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
As much as you love this dude, I hope you understand that he needs to grow up. He is dealing with drama with the ex, and he is turning your relationship into the second play. Just because you love him does not imply that your life automatically goes on standby when he decides to make decisions unilaterally. You are a couple, right? Both of you decide together or you are not really together.
I'd say the ball is really in your court. I was stunned that its been three weeks already! Forgive me if I missed this info but I didn't get what your current living situation is, other than that you live together. Are you renting? Who is on the lease? What are the laws in your state for getting out of that lease? When does the lease end? If you want to still wait for him to sort some things out out of love or compassion for his situation (as screwed up and immature he may be), that's understandable but you don't have to do it in the common apt/house. The way he is dealing with this crisis tells you a lot about what your future might look like if you stay together. As someone mentioned on here in another thread, "You get only more of what you tolerate". The fact that you didn't know about the move and that he didn't discuss it with you is very telling of the health of your relationship and its future. You need to sort your head on this one. I am not saying break up with him now, I am saying that he has done you a favor by giving you time and evidence to think about all these things. And right now, its not up to just him to decide whether you are going to be together or not. He has really given you the authority of making that decision unilaterally.
So as an outsider with a narrow insight into the situation, I'd make a few changes beginning with giving him the "radio silence", unless he is actually communicating by TALKING to you- you know, where one person speaks and the other one listens, and then the second one gets to talk and the first one listens. So no more of the email/text crap. No more twisted, cryptic messages. You are his partner, not his mother. You don't become his mother by *being* there all the time no matter what. And no, if you have each other's phone number, there is no need to send an email saying "Honey, I am going to just talk on the phone now". Just act on the changes that make your life saner and as peaceful as it can be right now.
In the meantime, I'd figure out your housing situation. What are your other options and how soon can you move into a place of your own. I wouldn't wait on figuring the logistics out till the court date. Do you know when that is anyway? If you can resolve your housing situation you really don't have much to worry about his leaving. This is such an awful, awful way to treat a partner you love and respect.
posted by xm at 12:47 PM on November 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
He needs to talk to you, if only to suss out your living situation. I don't know who is on the lease (you, him, or both), but simply going radio silent on you when it affects your place of living is the shittiest. He may not want to talk, but it's his responsibility to wrap this up in one way or another, so you're not left hanging.
posted by xingcat at 6:22 AM on November 16, 2013 [3 favorites]