Can't bring myself to change my address
November 11, 2013 2:10 PM Subscribe
I'm being unreasonably emotional about changing my address. Help me snap out of it.
I've just moved for my first permanent job in another state. I therefore need to change my driver's licence and car registration. The problem is though, I can't bring myself round to do it even though the fees are much cheaper and I'll get a rebate from my old state. It's not so much the attachment to my old address as such, and I know that because that's the family home which I cringe at returning to.
It's more the fact that I used that address for 2 years while I went contracting around the country (I was moving every 3 months on average, so it was impractical to change address, plus I wasn't breaking any laws as you have a 3 month period in which to change), and that changing that address:
a) acknowledges the loss of that freedom and lifestyle, even though when I think about it, what was in it for me was the travel, which I still continue to travel every weekend anyway.
b) is like saying I'll be in this area permanently, which I cringe at for two reasons. It's a town where everyone's small minded and I fear becoming like that if I stay long enough, and also because I absolutely fell in love with one of the places I worked at, but was unsuccessful in getting a permanent job there, and it feels like I've literally been locked out of heaven (Bruno Mars fans, notice the pun?)
So you see it's semantics. I've obviously committed to coming here by starting work, renting a place, getting involved in town and with the meetup groups, and have changed address on my bank accounts and all that, but boy oh boy why can't I bring myself to make it official?
I've just moved for my first permanent job in another state. I therefore need to change my driver's licence and car registration. The problem is though, I can't bring myself round to do it even though the fees are much cheaper and I'll get a rebate from my old state. It's not so much the attachment to my old address as such, and I know that because that's the family home which I cringe at returning to.
It's more the fact that I used that address for 2 years while I went contracting around the country (I was moving every 3 months on average, so it was impractical to change address, plus I wasn't breaking any laws as you have a 3 month period in which to change), and that changing that address:
a) acknowledges the loss of that freedom and lifestyle, even though when I think about it, what was in it for me was the travel, which I still continue to travel every weekend anyway.
b) is like saying I'll be in this area permanently, which I cringe at for two reasons. It's a town where everyone's small minded and I fear becoming like that if I stay long enough, and also because I absolutely fell in love with one of the places I worked at, but was unsuccessful in getting a permanent job there, and it feels like I've literally been locked out of heaven (Bruno Mars fans, notice the pun?)
So you see it's semantics. I've obviously committed to coming here by starting work, renting a place, getting involved in town and with the meetup groups, and have changed address on my bank accounts and all that, but boy oh boy why can't I bring myself to make it official?
I recently changed my cell phone number to reflect the current state I am now living in. Even though I have been living in my new state for the past 5 years, I still wanted to hang on to the past. I'd had that same phone number for the past 13 years and I suppose I equated my old phone number to a life I left behind - a life I was still so fond of (such great memories and great friends I left behind). I had been that phone number for so long - everyone had it and they knew that was the best way to get a hold of me, but it was time to let it go. I struggled with the thought of letting go, but once I did, it was no big deal. I was making it out to be a big deal. After it was all said and done, I got a GREAT new phone number that reflects the new state and city I've adopted as my own.
Just do it - it's no big deal. Really.
posted by ATX Peanut at 2:21 PM on November 11, 2013
Just do it - it's no big deal. Really.
posted by ATX Peanut at 2:21 PM on November 11, 2013
Snap out of it. You're overanalyzing this and there's no point in it since you have to do this. Just do it.
posted by amro at 2:21 PM on November 11, 2013 [11 favorites]
posted by amro at 2:21 PM on November 11, 2013 [11 favorites]
I don't think this feeling is all that uncommon. I, and a lot of my friends, did not want to give up our NYS licenses and plates after moving elsewhere. I lived in 2 different states before I bought a new car and thus had to have that state's plates, and I STILL didn't give up my NYS license. I think it's normal to not want to give up an official connection to something that you are still attached to in your mind. However, you just have to bite the bullet on this one. Allow yourself to feel sad about it but I'm sure you'll get over it soon.
posted by coupdefoudre at 2:23 PM on November 11, 2013
posted by coupdefoudre at 2:23 PM on November 11, 2013
Think about it pragmatically: at some point there's going to be a situation where you'll need to easily prove where you live currently, and having a new in-state driver's license with your current address will be such a relief.
posted by needs more cowbell at 2:32 PM on November 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by needs more cowbell at 2:32 PM on November 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
The problem is though, I can't bring myself round to do it even though the fees are much cheaper and I'll get a rebate from my old state.
Why bother then? It's quite common for people to hang on to old registrations for a significant amount of time for exactly this reason. Your chance of getting in trouble is negligible, unless your new locale has a reputation for targeting out-of-towners for traffic violations.
At some point you'll need a new license/registration - unless you're more fastidious about the law then most of the population, you could just wait until that point.
I absolutely fell in love with one of the places I worked at, but was unsuccessful in getting a permanent job there
I think this is your real question here. Perhaps you can ameliorate your concern by looking for jobs where you would be more comfortable. If your problem is that you want a better job and a better locale, don't try to fix it by getting a driver's license. Instead, find a better job and a better locale.
Now.
Go do it.
Nothing's stopping you.
posted by saeculorum at 2:57 PM on November 11, 2013
Why bother then? It's quite common for people to hang on to old registrations for a significant amount of time for exactly this reason. Your chance of getting in trouble is negligible, unless your new locale has a reputation for targeting out-of-towners for traffic violations.
At some point you'll need a new license/registration - unless you're more fastidious about the law then most of the population, you could just wait until that point.
I absolutely fell in love with one of the places I worked at, but was unsuccessful in getting a permanent job there
I think this is your real question here. Perhaps you can ameliorate your concern by looking for jobs where you would be more comfortable. If your problem is that you want a better job and a better locale, don't try to fix it by getting a driver's license. Instead, find a better job and a better locale.
Now.
Go do it.
Nothing's stopping you.
posted by saeculorum at 2:57 PM on November 11, 2013
Would it help if you used the saved money to go buy something fun?
posted by BoscosMom at 3:04 PM on November 11, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by BoscosMom at 3:04 PM on November 11, 2013 [2 favorites]
This is an emotional issue, which you clearly recognize, and I think the answer to it is spending more time with the emotions so that you can integrate whatever insights they are offering you, and then hopefully be able to move on with the practical things you need to do.
So, for A:
a) acknowledges the loss of that freedom and lifestyle, even though when I think about it, what was in it for me was the travel, which I still continue to travel every weekend anyway.
You should make a list of all the things you feel you are giving up or losing by moving to this new place and accepting this new job. Even the little tiny things - anything that generates some emotional response when you think about it, write it down. Go through and evaluate each item the way you've done with the travel: are you really losing it? Some of the things on the list you might realize you aren't actually losing. Some of the things you probably really are losing, or at least seeing change significantly. Go ahead and let yourself take some time to feel grief and sadness at losing those parts of your life. It's okay to feel sad even for small losses.
And for B:
b) is like saying I'll be in this area permanently, which I cringe at for two reasons. It's a town where everyone's small minded and I fear becoming like that if I stay long enough, and also because I absolutely fell in love with one of the places I worked at, but was unsuccessful in getting a permanent job there, and it feels like I've literally been locked out of heaven (Bruno Mars fans, notice the pun?)
Starting with the reality that you didn't get the job in the city you were in love with and you took the job in the city you're in now, come up with an ideal-outcome daydream about what you want to get out of living in this city. Do you want to have a couple of years of building your resume, and then use that to get yourself to the other city? Do you want to fall in love with the place and discover it's much better than you think? Then figure out steps that would turn your daydream into an actual plan. Having a concrete plan for how you're going to get the most out of your time in this city might make you feel less dread-y about it.
posted by aka burlap at 3:28 PM on November 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
So, for A:
a) acknowledges the loss of that freedom and lifestyle, even though when I think about it, what was in it for me was the travel, which I still continue to travel every weekend anyway.
You should make a list of all the things you feel you are giving up or losing by moving to this new place and accepting this new job. Even the little tiny things - anything that generates some emotional response when you think about it, write it down. Go through and evaluate each item the way you've done with the travel: are you really losing it? Some of the things on the list you might realize you aren't actually losing. Some of the things you probably really are losing, or at least seeing change significantly. Go ahead and let yourself take some time to feel grief and sadness at losing those parts of your life. It's okay to feel sad even for small losses.
And for B:
b) is like saying I'll be in this area permanently, which I cringe at for two reasons. It's a town where everyone's small minded and I fear becoming like that if I stay long enough, and also because I absolutely fell in love with one of the places I worked at, but was unsuccessful in getting a permanent job there, and it feels like I've literally been locked out of heaven (Bruno Mars fans, notice the pun?)
Starting with the reality that you didn't get the job in the city you were in love with and you took the job in the city you're in now, come up with an ideal-outcome daydream about what you want to get out of living in this city. Do you want to have a couple of years of building your resume, and then use that to get yourself to the other city? Do you want to fall in love with the place and discover it's much better than you think? Then figure out steps that would turn your daydream into an actual plan. Having a concrete plan for how you're going to get the most out of your time in this city might make you feel less dread-y about it.
posted by aka burlap at 3:28 PM on November 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
The "officialness" is about legal requirements to a large degree. Do those things. But if you've kept a bank account (the branch), some membership in something cool, etc. in your home base City, State -- then you can maintain your ambidextrous and ambivalent identity. This new location isn't an existential commitment...
posted by lathrop at 3:43 PM on November 11, 2013
posted by lathrop at 3:43 PM on November 11, 2013
You fear geographical stasis... so you are clinging to an address?? Wouldn't you be even more free if you developed the ability to change your address willy nilly whenever it saved you money? :) View this as just the first of many address changes.
posted by salvia at 4:22 PM on November 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by salvia at 4:22 PM on November 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
is like saying I'll be in this area permanently
Allow me to put your mind at ease: in the last two and a half years, I have changed my address seven times. I just did it again a few months ago, and I will do it again, possibly dozens of times. It's not permanent. I've had cans of soup for longer than I've had half of my official addresses.
posted by showbiz_liz at 4:30 PM on November 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
Allow me to put your mind at ease: in the last two and a half years, I have changed my address seven times. I just did it again a few months ago, and I will do it again, possibly dozens of times. It's not permanent. I've had cans of soup for longer than I've had half of my official addresses.
posted by showbiz_liz at 4:30 PM on November 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
I was sitting here trying to count it all up.... I haven't moved in the last twenty years or so, but before that? I think I must have moved somewhere north of 30-35 times. Trust me: changing your 'official' address is no big deal.
What you need to do is connect that cringing feeling with the old address, and stop assuming both that everyone in your new town is small-minded and that that will somehow rub off on you --- try to associate the new address with your new freedom and a sense of starting fresh.
And too, there are positive benefits: the lower fees you mention of course, but also if you're pulled over by a traffic cop, it'll make life easier if your license & registration match your address. Plus there's voting, which is tied to your current address: with the increase in voter ID laws, if you want to be assured of voting, you really need to have your ID match your voter registration.
posted by easily confused at 5:32 PM on November 11, 2013
What you need to do is connect that cringing feeling with the old address, and stop assuming both that everyone in your new town is small-minded and that that will somehow rub off on you --- try to associate the new address with your new freedom and a sense of starting fresh.
And too, there are positive benefits: the lower fees you mention of course, but also if you're pulled over by a traffic cop, it'll make life easier if your license & registration match your address. Plus there's voting, which is tied to your current address: with the increase in voter ID laws, if you want to be assured of voting, you really need to have your ID match your voter registration.
posted by easily confused at 5:32 PM on November 11, 2013
like saying I'll be in this area permanently
If you give this a lot of weight, sure. But consider treating it like, "I've moved to Smallville so I'm going to change my ID because that's what you do when you move. I'll change it again when I move to Metropolis."
So: stop agonizing over it because this is temporary. Changing the ID doesn't make it permanent, staying permanently does. So treat this like a practical step that's part of your life right now--because it is.
posted by Meg_Murry at 6:57 PM on November 11, 2013
If you give this a lot of weight, sure. But consider treating it like, "I've moved to Smallville so I'm going to change my ID because that's what you do when you move. I'll change it again when I move to Metropolis."
So: stop agonizing over it because this is temporary. Changing the ID doesn't make it permanent, staying permanently does. So treat this like a practical step that's part of your life right now--because it is.
posted by Meg_Murry at 6:57 PM on November 11, 2013
Legally, you HAVE TO DO THIS, as soon as possible. You do not want to be inadvertently caught by the law with the wrong address on your ID when it's obvious you're living in another state. Car registration needs to be changed very soon after you move (at least where I live). It's not a question of "wah, I don't wanna," you have no choice. You will be in trouble if you don't. Sorry. (And they'll take your old ID to boot, sigh.)
You don't want to have to commit to Shitty Town. Too bad, you already had to and did and are locked out of heaven...for now. Doesn't mean you can't manage to move away later, though.
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:59 PM on November 11, 2013
You don't want to have to commit to Shitty Town. Too bad, you already had to and did and are locked out of heaven...for now. Doesn't mean you can't manage to move away later, though.
posted by jenfullmoon at 6:59 PM on November 11, 2013
It helps me to remember that I'll make the change now, as I will make it again and again in the future. And, change=growth=personal empowerment.
posted by little_dog_laughing at 9:28 PM on November 11, 2013
posted by little_dog_laughing at 9:28 PM on November 11, 2013
I have changed my address 4 times in one year. The worst part about it were the state fees I'd incur every time I needed to replace my driver's license.
Change of address is easy, quick, and temporary.
Change of address is not permanent. Change of address is not saying you're living anywhere permanently. Even signing a mortgage is not saying these things but surely you can see the gulf between these two commitments.
You have lots of reasons why this is a good and necessary thing to do and pretty much no reasons not to. And if you move or change your mind, you can always change your address again.
posted by Polychrome at 1:52 AM on November 12, 2013
Change of address is easy, quick, and temporary.
Change of address is not permanent. Change of address is not saying you're living anywhere permanently. Even signing a mortgage is not saying these things but surely you can see the gulf between these two commitments.
You have lots of reasons why this is a good and necessary thing to do and pretty much no reasons not to. And if you move or change your mind, you can always change your address again.
posted by Polychrome at 1:52 AM on November 12, 2013
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posted by tylerkaraszewski at 2:20 PM on November 11, 2013