What to do about someone I like
November 11, 2013 10:34 AM   Subscribe

Basically I met a guy at a bar (I'm also a guy fyi)... We've been going places, eating out, and hanging out for the past month and a half and still are. Every day or every other day or so and he's always up for it. He messages me while we're both at work.

We made out the first day when we drank a bit.
We've gotten high before together as well.
He finds ways to subtly touch me and we've held hands while walking down the streets and have hugged a lot. He doesn't seem to mind that at all.
When I first asked him what he's looking for out of it all he hesitated, said I don't know, then said that he's looking for friends. And that he doesn't want to lead me on. But then that was pretty early on that he said that. Maybe he was taken aback a bit?
On the first day, he came over and we fooled around a bit, but since he had to wake up super early, we didn't do much.
He sometimes says that we could one day share clothes and that I could come over eventually (he lives with parents... I don't but I live in a place that's literally a wreck and is just terrible... finding a new place soon though)
He made a joke recently about getting people to pay us to watch us kiss in order to get drinks while we were at a bar a day or so ago. When we were about to part ways, I asked him if we could kiss. He hesitated a bit but then went in for it. He really went for the kiss... as in he really made an intense kiss that I wasn't expecting from him.
A day later he tells me that "On the contrary .. I can kiss no strings attached for fun (ESP since you have sexy lips ) but I didn't want you to think I was leading you on as you mentioned".
Me and him have inside jokes that we always joke around about.
He doesn't mind, and in fact likes the idea of helping me find a new place by coming with me to look at places in the area this upcoming weekend.
We talk a lot when we're together. We talk about all sorts of topics, about our personal lives, the news, what he likes, what I like, what his family does, etc.... He is very generous and kind and I always share and show that I care about him in how I act and treat him.
I don't know what to do here.
His words say he's looking for friends, but I feel like he's been hurt in the past by someone. I would love it so much if we could make these outings actual real dates.
Do I have a chance here? What should I do?
Words say friends, actions say he's scared of something, but doesn't just want to be friends.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (12 answers total)
 
He sounds like he's testing the waters with you, as well. Next time you propose getting together, tell him you want to go out on a date, then act like his date. Hold his hand, kiss him, and (if you're comfortable with it) invite him to spend the night.

No risk, no reward. Go for it!
posted by xingcat at 10:39 AM on November 11, 2013 [1 favorite]


Dude, this guy is feeling the whole thing out. That's cool I suppose but don't let him string you along forever.

You need to be able to say, "I really like you and I'd like to date you. If you're not down with that, cool, but I totally already have friends, I'm looking for a boyfriend."

There comes a point where you've got to fish or cut bait. This guy is cutting bait. If he's never going to fish, you have a right to know.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 10:51 AM on November 11, 2013 [5 favorites]


If it seems like he's reacting to you based on his personal past that you know nothing about, try asking him about it. One thing that it sounds like your friendship IS good at, is talking - so talk!
posted by aimedwander at 10:59 AM on November 11, 2013


You have the answer in front of you and your brain is doing various contortions and gymnastics to try to make the answer into what you want it to be instead of what it is, because that is something brains are very good at.

You're friends with benefits. He doesn't want a relationship.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 11:00 AM on November 11, 2013 [3 favorites]


Have you thought that you might be his first gay experience?

Without knowing much background, it looks to me like this person is testing out their feelings without wanting to commit to anything... which is not uncommon.

If I were him doing those things, it would mean I had feelings for you. The fact that he's not been explicit about his feelings for you might be because he just wants to be fwb and is messing you around, or it might just be that he's shit scared about being openly in love with another man.

Really, without talking to him about this, there is no way to tell which it is.
posted by I_read_somewhere_that_. . . at 11:06 AM on November 11, 2013 [4 favorites]


See, I find myself wondering about internalized homophobia. Maybe he likes you a lot (hence the texts and the conversation and the really wanting to kiss you if you start it) but has some anxiety/shame around actually initiating stuff or admitting that he has a boyfriend (hence the unusual awkwardness). How out is he? How old is he? How do his parents feel about his sexuality? I could easily envision a scenario where he feels really weird about living with disapproving parents, wants to date you but squares the whole thing to himself by saying that he's not dating you because he's not initiating physical stuff and keeps telling you that you're just friends. If so, the poor guy!

Depending on how you feel about the whole thing, either tell him that you'd like to actually date or else wait until you have your own place and tell him - if you feel like he's into you but needs to work through some stuff about being gay, it might be that if he can really spend the night with you and you have serious private space that will help him feel more confident.

Normally, we'd all be like "oh, he just wants a FWB relationship, he doesn't want to date, be real about it", but the whole "being pretty young, living with family and [maybe] still dealing with coming out" business complicates things a lot. IME, being a young GLBTQ person in a relationship isn't the same as being a young straight person, even if you live in a really progressive place.
posted by Frowner at 11:07 AM on November 11, 2013 [15 favorites]


It's hard, but it's usually best when you believe someone when they tell you what they want/don't want. That doesn't mean you can't bring it up, but, basically, believe him and don't try to read into it.
posted by Pax at 11:20 AM on November 11, 2013 [2 favorites]


If not for your earlier discussion where he says he is just looking for friends, it sounds like you are dating. In fact, in my experience, gay guys who are afraid of having "that discussion" will end up dating this way but not defining them. Lots of them. (In fact, I'm pretty sure you aren't, but you might be my brother and if you are, you should call me for more specific advice.)

In an ideal world, if his actions say something differently, he would make this clear but he's not. But also in an ideal world, you'd ask him where you stand, and you aren't.

You probably both have good arguments for the (in)actions you are taking. However, if you aren't comfortable where things are, it's up to you to ask.

Good luck!
posted by MCMikeNamara at 11:46 AM on November 11, 2013


My experience is that it's best just to take people for their word, especially in matters of love when it's the exact opposite of what you are hoping. Otherwise, you are letting your feelings convince you of something that maybe (probably?) isn't there.

It's happened to maybe everyone on earth -- you really like someone and they say they need space or are just looking to hang out, but you are secretly hoping they want to be your boyfriend/girlfriend. So you keep dating them waiting for them to finally reveal that they love you and they were hesitant for some other reason. In the end, odds are that day won't come and you end up hurt.

If I am honest, it sounds like this guy is looking for some companionship and affection, and he either isn't looking for anything serious or doesn't see anything "end game" in this relationship. Sorry. I'd probably start dating some other people and find someone else to like. But before that, you can at least ask directly one last time what he wants and accept the answer you get (without pushing him or leading the questions).
posted by AppleTurnover at 8:03 PM on November 11, 2013 [1 favorite]


P.S. For the record, I am gay (and a woman). I don't buy the theory of internalized homophobia, especially since from your question it sounds like he is fine with displaying affection in public. All closest cases and internalized homophobes I know would never hold hands or kiss someone in public with other people around. Unless you are ONLY doing this at gay bars, but even then I think there would be reluctance until the alcohol starts flowing.
posted by AppleTurnover at 9:02 PM on November 11, 2013 [1 favorite]


Walking away from this guy might feel empowering. Hanging around too long might lead to feelings of regret. He sounds like a tease-- Not even necessarily like a bad guy, but like he'd date you if he wanted to, and dating you he isn't.
posted by little_dog_laughing at 9:15 PM on November 11, 2013


FWIW, it's only been a month and a half. It takes longer than that for a lot of people to feel out a relationship.

Do you have a chance? It sure sounds like it! Is he teasing you? Probably not. He's said he wants friends, so that's that. But, if you feel there's more chemistry there, I'd just say you should try to check your expectations and wait it out a bit.
posted by SarahBellum at 6:06 AM on November 22, 2013


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