Should we share our engagement in our holiday cards?

November 4, 2013 2:53 PM

There is a significant chance that by this time next month, my boyfriend and I will be announcing our engagement to our families. We send out a holiday card every year, timed to arrive around New Year's. The cover of the card is usually a goofy photo of us (things like American Gothic, or us in a high stakes Big Wheels race). If indeed we decide to go public with our engagement, we've talked about this year's goofy photo somehow indicating that we're planning to get hitched. I think it would be fun! But I'm worried--even if we do announce our engagement, we won't have any plans yet for an actual wedding, and we certainly won't be able to invite everyone on our holiday card list to a wedding when one happens. Would the recipients of our holiday cards be likely to think that they're invited to a wedding, by virtue of having received this card?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (21 answers total)

I might think it was an engagement announcement, not a mere holiday card (unlikely I'd remember whether or not you sent them in past years). And if I got an engagement announcement, then yes, I'd expect that meant I would be invited to the wedding.
posted by amaire at 2:57 PM on November 4, 2013 [3 favorites]

Sounds like a great idea! I would probably expect to be invited. If I'm not, this would probably not upset me if I was a colleague, but would if it was a friend that I cared about.
posted by saraindc at 2:58 PM on November 4, 2013

I don't think that anyone would consider a holiday card to be a wedding invitation, but you may create expectations that recipients will eventually be invited. But, for me, that wouldn't be enough of a reason not to do it. Personal holiday cards often include a recap of the year's big events, so an engagement does qualify.

Congratulations!
posted by quince at 2:58 PM on November 4, 2013

Yea, I meant great idea assuming you're inviting everyone you send a card to, otherwise luke-warm. Why don't you send two versions of the card, the one with this photo only to people you know that you'll invite?
posted by saraindc at 2:59 PM on November 4, 2013 [2 favorites]

It really depends on what you're planning to do. A lot of "save the date" cards are very casual and funny and this might be interpreted as a "save the date." I would do a normal holiday card and include a hand-written note to those you care to share the info with that you two are engaged.
posted by amanda at 3:02 PM on November 4, 2013 [6 favorites]

How about having the card say "we're engaged!" rather than "we're getting married!" Specifically using the word 'engaged' would leave it more open-ended and doesn't indicate a formal event: it's a description of a general state of affairs, rather than how the word 'marriage' DOES imply an actual, planned-for-a-specific-date event.

Even better if you could do two different cards & photos this year: one set for the people you probably will eventually invite to the wedding, whenever it might be; and the second set for the folks you probably *won't* invite to the wedding.
posted by easily confused at 3:19 PM on November 4, 2013 [3 favorites]

Yeah, if I got a card addressed to me that heavily hinted a the sender was gonna get hitched I would be happy, excited about the day and later disappointed that I wasn't invited.

Maybe create an insert for the cards that are to be given to your nearest and dearest?

Also, I second just announcing your engagement. Most people don't have the date picked out when they're engaged.
posted by dumdidumdum at 3:22 PM on November 4, 2013 [3 favorites]

I would probably think I was invited, if I were close enough to you guys to think that was a possibility. If we weren't close, I would just be confused about why you were announcing it randomly.
posted by sweetkid at 3:22 PM on November 4, 2013 [2 favorites]

I don't think this would be seen as a "save the date" card due to the lack of a particular date to be saved.
posted by yohko at 3:23 PM on November 4, 2013 [3 favorites]

And, because your funny-card ideas made me think about it - a comically large engagement ring (stone bigger than your hand) would do the trick.
posted by IAmBroom at 3:37 PM on November 4, 2013

I think it's going to end up being more complicated than you're going to want it to be. Even if no one assumes it's an invite or a "save the date" card, how many times are you going to have to explain stuff to people and answer (totally normal and expected) general questions before it becomes a PITA?

I'd suggest extending your "theme card" idea to the official announcement, where you can include many of the details people will want to know anyway.
posted by Room 641-A at 4:16 PM on November 4, 2013 [1 favorite]

I agree that I would expect to be invited to a wedding that was announced to me via holiday card. It may be because we combined our STD and holiday card the December before our May wedding and another couple we know did the same the next year. We only sent these cards to people who were invited, but they had a date and location.
posted by soelo at 4:41 PM on November 4, 2013 [1 favorite]

I would send a normal holiday themed card with some clever wording that said that this card is from "Anonymous and his fiancee, Jane" or something like that.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 4:41 PM on November 4, 2013 [1 favorite]

i think it depends on if you write in the cards or if it's really just the picture. if you write a bit about your year, you could include other elements (2013 was the best! we went to the caribbean, won the hot-dog eating contest at the mall, and got engaged! Good luck in topping this one, 2014!) or something. this really (really) would not lead me to think i would be invited to your wedding. but i would still be stoked for you and i would love that hilarious picture!

i'm going through the whole wedding planning thing, and the guest list really seems to be the most heartwrenching part of it. i have had almost total strangers beg (beg!) me to be invited, and then my closest friends not sure if they're allowed to ask if they can come to the wedding. what i have learned is that everyone has their own social expectations around marriage, and you are going to gently hurt some feelings somewhere along the way. (sorry. it sucks.)
posted by andreapandrea at 5:47 PM on November 4, 2013 [5 favorites]

"we certainly won't be able to invite everyone on our holiday card list to a wedding when one happens"

Congrats on your engagement, and I love that you send out holiday cards! Your question brings to mind the etiquette prohibition against Ever Directly Mentioning Your Party To Folks Who Aren't Invited.

You need to be careful not to send the wrong signals to the folks who you already know for sure you won't be inviting. Getting a card in the mail that says "we're engaged" can create an expectation that they will be invited eventually, and like @andreapandrea says: "everyone has their own social expectations around marriage, and you are going to gently hurt some feelings somewhere along the way."

The way to hurt as few people in your outer circle as possible is to Manage Expectations.

That's why I like the idea of doing two versions of the holiday card - 1) one for people who definitely will make your eventual wedding list, where you mention your engagement with a fun picture, and 2) another version of your holiday card that leaves out the engagement news, for those who you're already clear won't make your future invite list.

There are other, telephonic, electronic ways to communicate your engagement news to the latter group that don't involve the potential mixed messages of getting a card in the mail.
posted by hush at 6:22 PM on November 4, 2013 [1 favorite]

If I got a card that had a picture of the two of you doing something couple-ish but not overtly wedding-related, and the inside had a message that said "Happy Holidays!!" as well as a note that said you were engaged, I would assume that you were sharing this Facebook status with me the old fashioned way, and I would be very pleased to hear your news but assume it meant nothing about a wedding or an invitation.

If I got a card that had a photo of the two of you in santa hats smooching as she shows off her giant RingPop, and the message in the cad was "we're engaged! just in time for the holidays!" I would assume this was an engagement card and I would somewhat expect to find out about the wedding before I received next year's holiday card with a bride photo in it.

So, if you send out a card that mentions the engagement, be sure to include other things. Turn the front into a photo montage with a mix of funny scenes and true events. This year we: climbed Mount Washington, learned to cook bacon, got a kitten, got engaged, learned to appreciate Fine Art, moved to a new apartment, and grew a carrot shaped like a saxophone. If the engagement is not the purpose of the card, it should be fine.
posted by aimedwander at 7:15 PM on November 4, 2013 [3 favorites]

This happened to me! Meaning I got a holiday/engagement announcement from an old friend and then wasn't invited to the wedding. It stung a bit, but it was a high school friend that I hadn't actually seen in a few years so, I was understanding about it. If we had been current friends I'm be more upset about it. So I'd say go ahead as long as you plan on inviting everyone that may assume they are current friends of yours.
posted by hellameangirl at 7:35 PM on November 4, 2013 [1 favorite]

Would the recipients of our holiday cards be likely to think that they're invited to a wedding, by virtue of having received this card?

Most likely, yes. Save the announcement of your engagement (and ultimately, wedding) for the actual announcement of pending festivities.
posted by hapax_legomenon at 8:24 PM on November 4, 2013 [1 favorite]

I wouldn't necessarily think I was getting an invitation, but I do think it is odd when people announce that they are engaged but they don't have a wedding date. You don't necessarily need to list the date, but please don't be one of these people who get engaged and then for months no one has any idea when you plan to get married. It is one of the first questions people ask after they hear about your engagement.
posted by dgran at 5:32 AM on November 5, 2013

I guess I'm strange. I would absolutely not expect to be invited to a wedding by virtue of getting a holiday card announcing an engagement, especially if no further details about the wedding were given.

So, please send me a card. They sound fun :)
posted by freezer cake at 4:16 PM on November 5, 2013

we combined our STD and holiday card

While it sounds particularly amusing to call the save the date card an "STD", that could really be taken the wrong way.
posted by yohko at 2:13 AM on November 6, 2013 [3 favorites]