Can this work if one partner does not find the other attractive?
October 8, 2013 3:37 PM Subscribe
My boyfriend and I were so happy together, up until two nights ago. I discovered that he had been harboring feelings of how he doesn't find me attractive. He hates this about himself. He feels shallow and secretly hoped this would change over time. Is this relationship over?
posted by anonymous to human relations (70 answers total) 7 users marked this as a favorite
Many months ago, I became best friends with a guy at school. We clicked immediately and began spending all of our time together. He became infatuated with me and one day let slip a thought, "physically, I don't know why I would be attracted to you!" He meant it as a positive, indicating how genuine and real his attraction must be. However, there was clearly still an accidental confession that physically, there wouldn't be much of my appearance to draw him to me. I was hurt then but the moment passed since, due to other reasons, I wasn't interested in a relationship with him.
Fast forward to a few days ago. We had continued to grow close and I was warming up to the idea of being with him romantically. We started dating officially one month ago. After a conversation about looks, our tastes, and what constitutes "cute" and "hot" in a girl, I brought back up that comment he had made so long ago. As he tried to explain himself, he said that I am not "traditionally beautiful" but I have a "beauty all my own." That wasn't too reassuring. He finally ends up saying that out of a ten point scale, he would give me a six. I was extremely hurt to discover he didn't find me attractive.
The day after, we continued talking about it. I got the sense that it wasn't just a "yeah, she's not the hottest girl but I love her anyways" kind of thinking. Apparently he had even brought this up with his dad, saying that inside I am more than a ten but outside I am not. He admitted he didn't want to acknowledge how he felt. He said he hoped that this feeling of not finding me attractive would change over time. He hates this about himself and feels shallow. He also has no problem feeling sexually attracted to me. In every other way, he adores me and does not want to lose me.
We are each other's best friends through and through - we spend all of our time together and share everything with each other. We are extremely compatible emotionally and understand the other like no one else. We both admit to being extremely happy with each other. He does not want us to separate but how can I stay with someone who doesn't find me attractive?
I fear he will one day realize that his feelings never changed or worse - he meets someone who is actually is physically attracted to and is willing to leave me for her. (It has happened to me once before.) Is this worth the risk? Is it a maturity / experience issue? Or should I cut my losses now?