Self-help books that will help me make peace with being single?
October 7, 2013 10:18 AM Subscribe
I'm tired of feeling bitter about being single. Are there any self-help books that will help me get over this?
I'm a 30 year old gay male. I've only ever had one serious relationship (about a year long), it was a long time ago (4+ years), and I have not met a single person since who I am both interested in and who is interested back. I'm tired of being bitter about this and want some help adjusting to the idea that I might never be in a relationship and that it's OK.
I'm a 30 year old gay male. I've only ever had one serious relationship (about a year long), it was a long time ago (4+ years), and I have not met a single person since who I am both interested in and who is interested back. I'm tired of being bitter about this and want some help adjusting to the idea that I might never be in a relationship and that it's OK.
Rather than spending money on books to accept being single, would you be open to just distracting yourself instead? Seriously, I'd invest my time (and money) in to joining some clubs or picking up some hobbies.
I will save you the effort of reading books. Here is what they are all going to say: The trick to not being bitter about being single is not having a boring single life. Lead the life you would want to have regardless if you had a partner. Stop seeing being single as a death sentence, and don't just exist to mark time. For a long time when I was single for years on end I made the mistake of self defining as "A Single Person", and I just sort of passed time to pass time, if you know what I mean. Once I stopped doing that, started in with some hobbies, joined some clubs, and started filling my days with people and activities and things that made me happy I was suddenly not so bitter about being single. Do things, meet people, try different activities, etc. Make sure it is filled with people and experiences and activities and I promise you that you won't be as bitter.
My comment on a recent thread explains what I mean.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 10:36 AM on October 7, 2013 [10 favorites]
I will save you the effort of reading books. Here is what they are all going to say: The trick to not being bitter about being single is not having a boring single life. Lead the life you would want to have regardless if you had a partner. Stop seeing being single as a death sentence, and don't just exist to mark time. For a long time when I was single for years on end I made the mistake of self defining as "A Single Person", and I just sort of passed time to pass time, if you know what I mean. Once I stopped doing that, started in with some hobbies, joined some clubs, and started filling my days with people and activities and things that made me happy I was suddenly not so bitter about being single. Do things, meet people, try different activities, etc. Make sure it is filled with people and experiences and activities and I promise you that you won't be as bitter.
My comment on a recent thread explains what I mean.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 10:36 AM on October 7, 2013 [10 favorites]
Can you read biographies about people who married the wrong person and lived in misery? Or read about famous single people who lived awesome lives? Then read about even more single people who never married? And when you read those books, really imagine what head space they must be in to look marriage in the eye and then go "meh."
posted by St. Peepsburg at 10:37 AM on October 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by St. Peepsburg at 10:37 AM on October 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
I also want to say to you what I said to the person in the other thread...
Dude, you're 30! 30 is way too young to write yourself off this way. Is it okay to not be in a relationship? Sure! Can you have a meaningful happy life without being in a relationship? Sure! But you are far from the point where I'd think you should be focusing on coming to terms with the "fact" that you may never be in a relationship. What you should be asking is how to get the most out of your life regardless if you have a partner, and the answer to THAT question is to just live an authentic life where you do things that make you happy and fulfilled, that fill your days with good stories and new experiences. For me it was to disengage from the whole "I want a boyfriend!" fixation and to stop making life choices based upon that desire. I basically said "Fuck this!" to all that stuff and I stopped doing the things that I thought I was "supposed to" do to increase my chances of finding a partner (going to bars, pretending to be interested in hockey, dumbing myself down so that a prospective partner wouldn't be intimidated, hiding the dorky parts of my personality, etc) and instead focused on doing things that made me happy and excited. That makes all the difference in the world, trust me. And hey, guess what, the person I have ended up with has only known the authentic, non-dumbed-down, nerdy, likes-early-bedtimes version of me. I don't have to pretend to be anything that I'm not because I've never presented myself as anything other than who I truly am. It is the authentic me that he loves. That is worth its weight in gold, believe me, and it only comes when you shed the "uber datable" persona most single people seem to craft. Be yourself. Be happy. Be a nerd. Be really excited about the new pedals you got for your bike or the new book you're reading in book club. Make choices based upon how you feel and how happy you are, not based upon how dateable it would make you look to a potential partner.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 11:02 AM on October 7, 2013 [4 favorites]
Dude, you're 30! 30 is way too young to write yourself off this way. Is it okay to not be in a relationship? Sure! Can you have a meaningful happy life without being in a relationship? Sure! But you are far from the point where I'd think you should be focusing on coming to terms with the "fact" that you may never be in a relationship. What you should be asking is how to get the most out of your life regardless if you have a partner, and the answer to THAT question is to just live an authentic life where you do things that make you happy and fulfilled, that fill your days with good stories and new experiences. For me it was to disengage from the whole "I want a boyfriend!" fixation and to stop making life choices based upon that desire. I basically said "Fuck this!" to all that stuff and I stopped doing the things that I thought I was "supposed to" do to increase my chances of finding a partner (going to bars, pretending to be interested in hockey, dumbing myself down so that a prospective partner wouldn't be intimidated, hiding the dorky parts of my personality, etc) and instead focused on doing things that made me happy and excited. That makes all the difference in the world, trust me. And hey, guess what, the person I have ended up with has only known the authentic, non-dumbed-down, nerdy, likes-early-bedtimes version of me. I don't have to pretend to be anything that I'm not because I've never presented myself as anything other than who I truly am. It is the authentic me that he loves. That is worth its weight in gold, believe me, and it only comes when you shed the "uber datable" persona most single people seem to craft. Be yourself. Be happy. Be a nerd. Be really excited about the new pedals you got for your bike or the new book you're reading in book club. Make choices based upon how you feel and how happy you are, not based upon how dateable it would make you look to a potential partner.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 11:02 AM on October 7, 2013 [4 favorites]
Holy cow this comment from Eyebrows McGee is incredible.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:08 AM on October 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:08 AM on October 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
There's no book out there. There just isn't.
I can tell you that developing your other interests will be the most rewarding thing you can do with your time and it will lead to your accepting yourself as-is, to accepting whatever romantic relationship situation you're in as-is and in general loving each moment of your life, as you live it in the here and now.
Here are some fun things I did while I was single, and that I continue to do to this day because they're so cool!
1. Played in a co-ed ice hockey league.
2. Got my MBA.
3. Traveled all over the world. (It's okay to go on trips on your own. You meet tons of cool people that way!)
4. Joined a writers group.
5. Hung out on internet chat rooms.
6. Met the friends I met on-line, IRL.
7. Go to RiffTrax movies.
8. Go to Vegas to play the slot machines.
9. Meet at someone's house for pot luck once a week and to watch something terrible on TV.
10. Do Adult extension courses like Feng Shui, Walking Tour of Pittsburgh and Forensic Accounting.
11. Bought and Reno'd a condo.
You get the idea. What do you get excited by? What do you like to do? Just start living your life. Go out, do, meet people, hang out with your friends.
Someone very smart once said, "When you look back on your life, you don't remember how you felt, you remember what you did."
You may find that you'll build a life that you absolutely LOVE living. With or without a partner.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 12:54 PM on October 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
I can tell you that developing your other interests will be the most rewarding thing you can do with your time and it will lead to your accepting yourself as-is, to accepting whatever romantic relationship situation you're in as-is and in general loving each moment of your life, as you live it in the here and now.
Here are some fun things I did while I was single, and that I continue to do to this day because they're so cool!
1. Played in a co-ed ice hockey league.
2. Got my MBA.
3. Traveled all over the world. (It's okay to go on trips on your own. You meet tons of cool people that way!)
4. Joined a writers group.
5. Hung out on internet chat rooms.
6. Met the friends I met on-line, IRL.
7. Go to RiffTrax movies.
8. Go to Vegas to play the slot machines.
9. Meet at someone's house for pot luck once a week and to watch something terrible on TV.
10. Do Adult extension courses like Feng Shui, Walking Tour of Pittsburgh and Forensic Accounting.
11. Bought and Reno'd a condo.
You get the idea. What do you get excited by? What do you like to do? Just start living your life. Go out, do, meet people, hang out with your friends.
Someone very smart once said, "When you look back on your life, you don't remember how you felt, you remember what you did."
You may find that you'll build a life that you absolutely LOVE living. With or without a partner.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 12:54 PM on October 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
Someone very smart once said, "When you look back on your life, you don't remember how you felt, you remember what you did."
This may be true of looking back from the deathbed--since I ain't dying (that I know of, I can't say). But having a few decades behind me, I find that I remember almost exclusively emotions and emotional context, and retain very very little of the actual details of events. YMMV.
You want specifically to FEEL better about being single, and while doing things may help generate more positive feeling, I wanted to address your emotional side directly. ("Doing things" doesn't do shit for me. I merely become exhausted, overspent, broke, and bitter at my exhaustion instead of, say, my loneliness.)
And you asked for books, and you're a dude who is into dudes...
...Have you tried Sherlock Holmes?
Very little will help you feel quite as lovely about a little cultivated, cerebral solitude.
posted by like_a_friend at 1:09 PM on October 7, 2013 [4 favorites]
This may be true of looking back from the deathbed--since I ain't dying (that I know of, I can't say). But having a few decades behind me, I find that I remember almost exclusively emotions and emotional context, and retain very very little of the actual details of events. YMMV.
You want specifically to FEEL better about being single, and while doing things may help generate more positive feeling, I wanted to address your emotional side directly. ("Doing things" doesn't do shit for me. I merely become exhausted, overspent, broke, and bitter at my exhaustion instead of, say, my loneliness.)
And you asked for books, and you're a dude who is into dudes...
...Have you tried Sherlock Holmes?
Very little will help you feel quite as lovely about a little cultivated, cerebral solitude.
posted by like_a_friend at 1:09 PM on October 7, 2013 [4 favorites]
Sorry you are having a hard time. Are you satisfied with your life in general? Maybe when you are more satisfied across the board it will bother you less. Maybe increasing satisfaction will help you attract a mate too. In terms of things that will make your life happier, it seems that the positive psychology people have come up with the following:
1. Gratitude lists
2. Exercise
3. Mindfulness meditation
posted by mermily at 1:22 PM on October 7, 2013 [2 favorites]
1. Gratitude lists
2. Exercise
3. Mindfulness meditation
posted by mermily at 1:22 PM on October 7, 2013 [2 favorites]
There is indeed a self-help book like this. Google "quirkyalone".
posted by dontjumplarry at 1:51 PM on October 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by dontjumplarry at 1:51 PM on October 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
I can't speak for #2 on mermily's list, but #'s 1 and 3 have definitely made a difference to my life. I'm in a similar situation to you - gay, very early 30's - only my longest relationship was about 10ish years ago. Since then, my longest relationship was about 3 weeks long and I can't actually remember if it was 3 or 4 years ago. I keep a gratitude list every day, and meditate fairly regularly. Both of those things help a lot. Exercise probably will too, but I can't speak to that as I'm quite lazy.
Memail if you want to chat.
posted by Solomon at 1:57 PM on October 7, 2013
Memail if you want to chat.
posted by Solomon at 1:57 PM on October 7, 2013
From my bookcase:
Single.
Books by Bella DePaulo.
And the aforementioned quirkyalone book.
What I recommend: reading about, or watching, extremely unhappily married couples. Then you will do a happy dance that you do NOT have to put up with that crap. And I have a billion hobbies that I would not be allowed to do if I had to be accountable to someone at home. I had ice cream for dinner tonight (okay, some other food too eventually) and nobody bitched me out for it. I can keep the house as I please without someone bitching that I'm a slob.
Focus on the stuff you like about being single.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:08 PM on October 7, 2013
Single.
Books by Bella DePaulo.
And the aforementioned quirkyalone book.
What I recommend: reading about, or watching, extremely unhappily married couples. Then you will do a happy dance that you do NOT have to put up with that crap. And I have a billion hobbies that I would not be allowed to do if I had to be accountable to someone at home. I had ice cream for dinner tonight (okay, some other food too eventually) and nobody bitched me out for it. I can keep the house as I please without someone bitching that I'm a slob.
Focus on the stuff you like about being single.
posted by jenfullmoon at 9:08 PM on October 7, 2013
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What if you knew this lover better than anyone else in the world, and this lover knew you better than anyone else?
What if you liked the same food, loved the same movies, listened to the same music, rooted for the same teams, enjoyed the same friends, were fascinated by the same books, had the same spiritual beliefs, cared about the same causes, and shared the same goals?
What if you absolutely knew you two could live together comfortably?
What if this lover always had your best interests at heart?
What if you were brought before a large door and told that, behind the door, was the love of your life?
You straighten your hair, pop a Certs, take a deep breath, open the door . . .
. . . and find yourself face-to-face . . .
...with a mirror. .
posted by Solomon at 10:25 AM on October 7, 2013 [2 favorites]