How can I best interact with this guy?
September 30, 2013 10:00 AM Subscribe
I have a teammate at work and I need to know how to make our working relationship more effective. He has trouble with social interaction and exhibits behaviors that I've often heard in discussions about Asperger/autism spectrum disorders, but more to the point, he has trouble with anger and I'm not sure how to respond to it. I understand that I can't be sure about my armchair diagnosis, but I don't need to know the cause of his behavior so long as I can find ways to work with him.
I've been on the job six months and he's been there for a little more than a decade. I've made the following observations about him and my more experienced colleagues have said described similar instances:
Do any of you have similar experiences or success stories? Do the symptoms I've mentioned, point to a specific behavioral issue that I can Google for more information? Any other recommendations?
I've been on the job six months and he's been there for a little more than a decade. I've made the following observations about him and my more experienced colleagues have said described similar instances:
- He has a fairly rigid routine that he likes to follow (i.e. strict workday schedule, lunch at the same time everyday, etc.)
- He typically avoids eye contact
- During discussions, he will scoff at points he disagrees with and seems to make no effort to hide his doing so
- He has specific preferences about how he prefers to be communicated with (which are sometimes hard to anticipate)
- He can be curt or demeaning when talking to others
- He often has a specific way that he prefers work to be done and may take unilateral ownership of tasks, even if that may not be in the best interests of the team
- He shows his anger and frustration pretty openly. I haven't witnessed this as much, but I'm told of a few instances where he's shouted at others or made vicious, even frightening facial expressions
- Listening actively and allowing him to explain in detail, even when I can anticipate what he's going to say
- Showing respect and appreciation when he offers explanations
- Making an effort to explain my thoughts in a detailed, linear way when talking to him
Do any of you have similar experiences or success stories? Do the symptoms I've mentioned, point to a specific behavioral issue that I can Google for more information? Any other recommendations?
He does sound like an Aspie from your description, but of course, I'm no doctor nor armchair diagnostician. If you are not interested in tolerating his anger issues - and I say this with the assumption that he is not actually hurting anyone physically or scaring anyone to the extent that this is a hostile workplace - you can be super upfront about that with him, probably to no detriment to your working relationship with him.
When he shouts at you, you can say, "Clyde, I cannot work with you if you yell at me. We can do this later when you act less hostile." When he makes aggressive gestures or facial expressions, you can say, "Clyde, I cannot work with you when you are coming across as hostile with your body language. We can do this later when you act less hostile." Just disengage and walk away. Don't worry about offending him. For someone who regularly doesn't do eye contact, is curt, and scoffs at things he doesn't agree with, walking away is unlikely to register with him as offensive.
It's also possible that complicating things is that he's an asshole. I mean, just because someone is on the Autism spectrum doesn't mean he's exempt from being an asshole if that's what he is. Some people are assholes. The above tactic can work whether he is an asshole or not, though, so that's useful.
You might want to mention this tactic to your boss generally, so your boss is aware that you're doing this and it doesn't catch him or her by surprise.
I have worked with and am friends with a lot of Aspies. If I said something like the above to a friend of mine, he's likely to think, "Oh. I can't do that around Juniperesque. Moving on." There's no value associated with the disconnect, and it's not connected to any other things related to his relationship with me. It just is. You learn to work around it, like my coworkers work around my (clinical) tunnel vision by not coming up to me from the sides. Thanks for asking how to work better with him rather than asking for creative ways to get him fired for not fitting in.
posted by juniperesque at 10:17 AM on September 30, 2013 [10 favorites]
When he shouts at you, you can say, "Clyde, I cannot work with you if you yell at me. We can do this later when you act less hostile." When he makes aggressive gestures or facial expressions, you can say, "Clyde, I cannot work with you when you are coming across as hostile with your body language. We can do this later when you act less hostile." Just disengage and walk away. Don't worry about offending him. For someone who regularly doesn't do eye contact, is curt, and scoffs at things he doesn't agree with, walking away is unlikely to register with him as offensive.
It's also possible that complicating things is that he's an asshole. I mean, just because someone is on the Autism spectrum doesn't mean he's exempt from being an asshole if that's what he is. Some people are assholes. The above tactic can work whether he is an asshole or not, though, so that's useful.
You might want to mention this tactic to your boss generally, so your boss is aware that you're doing this and it doesn't catch him or her by surprise.
I have worked with and am friends with a lot of Aspies. If I said something like the above to a friend of mine, he's likely to think, "Oh. I can't do that around Juniperesque. Moving on." There's no value associated with the disconnect, and it's not connected to any other things related to his relationship with me. It just is. You learn to work around it, like my coworkers work around my (clinical) tunnel vision by not coming up to me from the sides. Thanks for asking how to work better with him rather than asking for creative ways to get him fired for not fitting in.
posted by juniperesque at 10:17 AM on September 30, 2013 [10 favorites]
You know what? It doesn't matter if there's a diagnosis or not. You have to communicate with difficult people no matter what. What if he's just an asshole?
What stops you from saying things like:
"Fred, while I appreciate that you believe that your approach is correct, I believe that doing X and Y are appropriate in this scenario."
Then react and discuss it with him. He's not senior to you, he doesn't automatically get to have everything his way.
If he likes things in email, then assign him tasks in email. Make sure you get responses and keep them.
If he's curt and demeaning, dish it right back or at least point out that he's made a social blunder.
"I'm sure you didn't mean to sound as condecending as you did."
"That's harsh"
"I would appreciate it if you won't use that tone when you speak to me."
All you can do is explain what you want and need to work well with him.
If he does blow up because he doesn't have his peas in a row, address that with him, "Fred, my email was explicit and exact. If you have questions, you can discuss them with me. I refuse to deal with someone who is yelling at me. When you calm down and are ready to discuss this rationally, then come back and we can do that."
Stop tip-toeing around this guy.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 10:17 AM on September 30, 2013 [14 favorites]
What stops you from saying things like:
"Fred, while I appreciate that you believe that your approach is correct, I believe that doing X and Y are appropriate in this scenario."
Then react and discuss it with him. He's not senior to you, he doesn't automatically get to have everything his way.
If he likes things in email, then assign him tasks in email. Make sure you get responses and keep them.
If he's curt and demeaning, dish it right back or at least point out that he's made a social blunder.
"I'm sure you didn't mean to sound as condecending as you did."
"That's harsh"
"I would appreciate it if you won't use that tone when you speak to me."
All you can do is explain what you want and need to work well with him.
If he does blow up because he doesn't have his peas in a row, address that with him, "Fred, my email was explicit and exact. If you have questions, you can discuss them with me. I refuse to deal with someone who is yelling at me. When you calm down and are ready to discuss this rationally, then come back and we can do that."
Stop tip-toeing around this guy.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 10:17 AM on September 30, 2013 [14 favorites]
During discussions, he will scoff at points he disagrees with and seems to make no effort to hide his doing so
Ignore that. His face is showing what his brain is thinking. This is just like you and just like everyone else, except for the part where when you think "that's the dumbest bullshit I've ever heard" you have the skills to keep your face neutral and he doesn't.
He has specific preferences about how he prefers to be communicated with (which are sometimes hard to anticipate)
"I need to talk with you about changes to the flange. Do you want to schedule a talk, do you want an email or do you want me to throw an outline of the issues into the bug tracker?"
He shows his anger and frustration pretty openly. I haven't witnessed this as much, but I'm told of a few instances where he's shouted at others or made vicious, even frightening facial expressions
See point 1 regarding facial expressions. Regarding anger, you can straight up say to this man "I understand you are frustrated but shouting in the workplace is not acceptable. Dial it down."
posted by DarlingBri at 10:19 AM on September 30, 2013 [8 favorites]
Ignore that. His face is showing what his brain is thinking. This is just like you and just like everyone else, except for the part where when you think "that's the dumbest bullshit I've ever heard" you have the skills to keep your face neutral and he doesn't.
He has specific preferences about how he prefers to be communicated with (which are sometimes hard to anticipate)
"I need to talk with you about changes to the flange. Do you want to schedule a talk, do you want an email or do you want me to throw an outline of the issues into the bug tracker?"
He shows his anger and frustration pretty openly. I haven't witnessed this as much, but I'm told of a few instances where he's shouted at others or made vicious, even frightening facial expressions
See point 1 regarding facial expressions. Regarding anger, you can straight up say to this man "I understand you are frustrated but shouting in the workplace is not acceptable. Dial it down."
posted by DarlingBri at 10:19 AM on September 30, 2013 [8 favorites]
I have no advice except to say that you are being exceptionally thoughtful about this, and I would expect that your ability to handle him will grow with time. I have a coworker who has some of these traits and while jarring at first, I've mostly grown used to it.
posted by tinymegalo at 10:21 AM on September 30, 2013
posted by tinymegalo at 10:21 AM on September 30, 2013
Definitely talk to your manager about this. I think the anger and hostility needs to be the main focus. Discuss this and come up with a tactic with your manager. You don't want the difficult employee to later come to the manager and complain about you and you have nothing to back up what you have actually been doing. And frankly, this is what a manager is for. This kind of situation is in their job description. If you are on an equal footing with your teammate then it may be inappropriate for you to be telling him what is and isn't appropriate workplace behaviour. It depends on the work environment, but I can definitely see how having a co-worker with no authority over me correcting and hassling me about my behaviour would be annoying. He'd probably hear it more clearly if he was being given the message by a manager as well.
So this needs to be dealt with THROUGH A MANAGER.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 10:29 AM on September 30, 2013 [1 favorite]
So this needs to be dealt with THROUGH A MANAGER.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 10:29 AM on September 30, 2013 [1 favorite]
Asperger's seems to be a very popular excuse these days.
He's probably just a normal a*hole.
Ruthless Bunny's answer is SO right.
I've been in your position...
just deal with him politely and as normally as you would with anyone else.
His anger problems will eventually put him where he ought to be.
Don't make HIS problems yours.
posted by mdrew at 10:33 AM on September 30, 2013 [5 favorites]
He's probably just a normal a*hole.
Ruthless Bunny's answer is SO right.
I've been in your position...
just deal with him politely and as normally as you would with anyone else.
His anger problems will eventually put him where he ought to be.
Don't make HIS problems yours.
posted by mdrew at 10:33 AM on September 30, 2013 [5 favorites]
He sounds a lot like my boyfriend's brother. Once I stood up for myself he toned down the assholishness. Basically exactly what Ruthless Bunny says.
Other people in his life tend to just let him act that way because, "He has problems with social stuff." or "That is just the way he is." Umm no. I've asked him to either leave my house or treat me with more respect. That day he left but he doesn't act like quite the asshole with me anymore. If no one ever tells them their behavior isn't acceptable then they won't change, it doesn't matter if they have asperger's or are just an all around asshole.
posted by magnetsphere at 10:46 AM on September 30, 2013 [4 favorites]
Other people in his life tend to just let him act that way because, "He has problems with social stuff." or "That is just the way he is." Umm no. I've asked him to either leave my house or treat me with more respect. That day he left but he doesn't act like quite the asshole with me anymore. If no one ever tells them their behavior isn't acceptable then they won't change, it doesn't matter if they have asperger's or are just an all around asshole.
posted by magnetsphere at 10:46 AM on September 30, 2013 [4 favorites]
You're looking for recommendations for interacting with the man, assuming that he has an issue that he cannot fully control, whereas you may be in a better position to adapt your own behavior. I think that this is a great way to think.
Your personal boundaries are important too. I have a bunch of on-the-spectrum friends. In my experience, it is never wrong to point out that one's feelings have been hurt, or that one or another of their interactions with others is problematic for some reasons.
That said, I've had good experience with two things:
-- Not making eye contact either, but rather tending toward sitting side-by-side (obviously ymmv, a lot) during conversations.
-- Talking about "one could" when making suggestions for change to him, as opposed to "you should."
Apart from that, it sometimes is a hard thing not to take offense, and it can at times be taxing to listen through standardized rants or overly detailed and slow explanations, but if you manage not to take things personally, and unless your patience runs out big time, it is doable, and occasionally unexpectedly rewarding.
[It's ok with a little armchair diagnosis if it makes the world a better place. I congratulate you.]
posted by Namlit at 10:50 AM on September 30, 2013
Your personal boundaries are important too. I have a bunch of on-the-spectrum friends. In my experience, it is never wrong to point out that one's feelings have been hurt, or that one or another of their interactions with others is problematic for some reasons.
That said, I've had good experience with two things:
-- Not making eye contact either, but rather tending toward sitting side-by-side (obviously ymmv, a lot) during conversations.
-- Talking about "one could" when making suggestions for change to him, as opposed to "you should."
Apart from that, it sometimes is a hard thing not to take offense, and it can at times be taxing to listen through standardized rants or overly detailed and slow explanations, but if you manage not to take things personally, and unless your patience runs out big time, it is doable, and occasionally unexpectedly rewarding.
[It's ok with a little armchair diagnosis if it makes the world a better place. I congratulate you.]
posted by Namlit at 10:50 AM on September 30, 2013
I had a co-worker who exhibited exactly this behaviour. It took some time to "figure him out" - he was prolific and successful in his work, yet at times, completely abrasive to the point where it was uncomfortable witnessing him interact with colleagues.
Over time, I realised and learned to respect the fact that to him, the rest of us were constantly behaving in completely illogical ways and it was extremely frustrating for him that we couldn't see this. It was almost like we were walking around declaring the world was flat and he was the only one who knew the truth. I found that keeping that in mind when approaching him made it a whole lot easier to interact.
You seem to have come to a similar conclusion. Yes, he might also just be an asshole, but if so, he is most definitely an asshole who thinks differently than the majority. If you go as far as keeping that in mind and adjusting your behaviour and approach to his way of thinking, it's his responsibility to meet you half way.
Incidentally, I now view my co-worker as one of my most valued. In a world of "yes men" and corporate nonsense speak, it can be so refreshing to have a voice within the team who will ignore the reactions of other people and has no interest in politicking.
posted by unbearablylight at 10:56 AM on September 30, 2013 [3 favorites]
Over time, I realised and learned to respect the fact that to him, the rest of us were constantly behaving in completely illogical ways and it was extremely frustrating for him that we couldn't see this. It was almost like we were walking around declaring the world was flat and he was the only one who knew the truth. I found that keeping that in mind when approaching him made it a whole lot easier to interact.
You seem to have come to a similar conclusion. Yes, he might also just be an asshole, but if so, he is most definitely an asshole who thinks differently than the majority. If you go as far as keeping that in mind and adjusting your behaviour and approach to his way of thinking, it's his responsibility to meet you half way.
Incidentally, I now view my co-worker as one of my most valued. In a world of "yes men" and corporate nonsense speak, it can be so refreshing to have a voice within the team who will ignore the reactions of other people and has no interest in politicking.
posted by unbearablylight at 10:56 AM on September 30, 2013 [3 favorites]
If he is intimidating you, or is acting out of line, it's important for you to say so.
"You're making me uncomfortable. Can we continue this conversation later?"
"You sound angry. Is there anything I can do to help?"
Stuff like that. You should also document interactions that leave you feeling uncomfortable.
In any workplace there are going to be some "alpha" behaviours that are unpleasant, though. The trick is to determine where "going over the line" is, and push back.
posted by KokuRyu at 10:58 AM on September 30, 2013
"You're making me uncomfortable. Can we continue this conversation later?"
"You sound angry. Is there anything I can do to help?"
Stuff like that. You should also document interactions that leave you feeling uncomfortable.
In any workplace there are going to be some "alpha" behaviours that are unpleasant, though. The trick is to determine where "going over the line" is, and push back.
posted by KokuRyu at 10:58 AM on September 30, 2013
I have a friend who is a bit like this. In his case it seems that there are problems when he can't work out the "rules" of the job or of interacting with specific people. If you can manage to make your expectations clear and reasonably self-consistent, he's fine. He'll happily tell you that the rules seem crazy to him and make no sense, but he's largely able to stick by them for the sake of harmony.
In conversation it also helps to avoid hints and metaphors and analogies of any kind.
posted by emilyw at 1:04 PM on September 30, 2013 [1 favorite]
In conversation it also helps to avoid hints and metaphors and analogies of any kind.
posted by emilyw at 1:04 PM on September 30, 2013 [1 favorite]
nthing Ruthless Bunny - people need to deal with their own anger issues, and if he loses it and explodes then that is who he is.
His problem =/= your problem
To keep him from triggering your own anger - avoid him unless absolutely necessary, validate your own opinions, and notice things he does well.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 1:49 PM on September 30, 2013
His problem =/= your problem
To keep him from triggering your own anger - avoid him unless absolutely necessary, validate your own opinions, and notice things he does well.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 1:49 PM on September 30, 2013
He has specific preferences about how he prefers to be communicated with (which are sometimes hard to anticipate)
Like what exactly? If he has specific preferences, how are they hard to anticipate? Can you elaborate?
Otherwise...sometimes I read questions like this with an eye to the question "Does this sound like something someone might say about me?" In this case, yeah, almost all of those things could be said about me at various points. To provide some perspective, here is why each of these things might come up with me.
• He has a fairly rigid routine that he likes to follow (i.e. strict workday schedule, lunch at the same time everyday, etc.)
In college, I was amazed by how conformist everyone seemed, in the sense that they all ate their meals around the same times, had extremely conventional routines, etc. Then I got into the workplace, got a bit older, went through some metabolism changes, and found that if I didn't eat at very specific times, I'd feel dizzy or get angry easily or make dumb mistakes. And I noticed all of those feelings more because I was otherwise sitting in the same climate-controlled, unchanging space all day. I also noticed that when I multitasked, I was completely unproductive and made mistakes—as did my coworkers who multitasked. So I also try to avoid multitasking whenever possible, and part of what helps with that is scheduling out my day ahead of time. I'm probably more flexible than your coworker in terms of schedule, since what I do varies a bit each day, but those are some reasons why certain things in my schedule rarely vary.
• He typically avoids eye contact
Some days, when I feel particularly bad about being at work, I avoid eye contact with just about everyone, even people I like. Or if I dislike a particular coworker, I tend to avoid eye contact with them. Or if a coworker is pressuring me about something, I'll avoid eye contact as well, because I don't want to trigger more judgment or discussion of the thing they're pressuring me about. It's not a guilt thing, like some people might think; it's more of a thing like "I don't even want to engage with you to the point of eye contact, because you might see in my eyes just how unhappy I am and/or how much I dislike you and/or how frustrated I am, or if I connect with you at all emotionally, all of my unhappiness might surface. If I keep these feelings—and any feelings you might have—at arm's length, it's probably better for everyone." Maybe, for whatever reason, your coworker doesn't want to engage. Maybe they don't like their job or feel pressured. Some days I feel like a sea anemone, pulling in all of my tentacles to avoid getting bruised or poked.
• During discussions, he will scoff at points he disagrees with and seems to make no effort to hide his doing so
This is a tact thing, which your coworker probably needs to work on. Although I've seen scoffing work for people. When it comes off as a sort of a ballsy, willing-to-challenge-the-status-quo kind of thing, you can be seen as an out-of-the-box thinker for doing so. Is this person coming off as tone-deaf, though? If so, he probably lacks the self-awareness to understand how his critiques are perceived by others—or maybe he's so frustrated, he's just beyond caring.
• He has specific preferences about how he prefers to be communicated with (which are sometimes hard to anticipate)
As noted above, we need more info on this. In my case, I like to get info about changes that need to be made to our work product by email, for instance, rather than by phone, because then I can print out each email about changes as it comes in, assemble a stack of the printouts, and at a later time go through a whole bunch of them at once. That way, I don't have to break my concentration on whatever I'm doing just to make a change to something (or worse, track down what stage of the process something is at or who's responsible for it or what have you—instead, I can just wait until that thing gets to me later on and make the change then). Also, if there's a question later, the emails about changes are all saved, so I can easily retrace my steps and answer the question about what was changed or who requested a change or anything else.
• He can be curt or demeaning when talking to others
How often is he curt and how often is he demeaning? Is he always both curt and demeaning to everyone, or is he just generally kind of curt to most people and outright demeaning to a few people and/or under certain circumstances? Does it seem like he's trying to prove his superiority, or does he seem weary of certain questions or interactions? Also, "curt" and "demeaning" can be a bit relative, in the eye of the beholder—does there seem to be a consensus among the staff that he's curt and demeaning, or are only certain people experiencing/perceiving this?
When I'm on deadline, I can get pretty curt, and sometimes I think people might find me a bit dismissive. I'm usually trying to serve conflicting ends: to get things done on schedule and to get them done accurately, without errors. So all day every day, I'm making a series of decisions and value judgments about which changes to make to things, which changes are optional, and which changes are totally frivolous and baseless. So when I see a change suggested off the cuff and without clear reasoning behind it, especially when that change contradicts a call I made on it earlier in the process or our standard reference materials (often people neglect to consult reference materials before suggesting changes), I can get a little frustrated. All of that is to say...is there something he's frustrated about or under pressure about that's potentially contributing to his curtness? Is there perhaps a reason he might be upset?
• He often has a specific way that he prefers work to be done and may take unilateral ownership of tasks, even if that may not be in the best interests of the team
I feel like sometimes my bosses feel this way about me—that my taking unilateral ownership of certain tasks isn't always in the best interests of the team—and that frustrates me. In my role, I'm responsible for a set of outcomes; as noted above, everything needs to get done on time, as well as be accurate and error-free, and I'm in charge of making that happen. When things haven't been accurate in the past, even when they weren't something I worked on particularly closely, I've still been held accountable for them. Because that's the case, I tend to maintain pretty tight ownership of tasks I'm given, as well as go through a certain set of steps to ensure that they're completed correctly, because if I'm not involved and things aren't processed a certain way, I've found (through hard experience) that they often get lost in the shuffle and/or don't meet our quality standards, and everyone gets frustrated, and I ultimately have to take extra time to fix and/or take responsibility for those failures.
We've tried our processes a variety of ways—sometimes it feels like every month, we're having the same conversation about process—and ultimately, given the constraints we have in terms of scheduling and various people's work styles, I think we get the best outcomes when I take ownership of my part of the process and unilaterally usher tasks through that process. Maybe your coworker has the same kind of frustration—he sees a solution to avoiding problems that for whatever reason, he's unable to implement, or there are parts of your process that he's responsible for that he feels like, for whatever reason, won't get done as well if he doesn't do them. The question then is whether there's a basis in fact for his belief, or whether there's some way to remove some of the burden of responsibility for these things from his shoulders. Is he just a jerk, or is he making important contributions to the team that make up for and/or even might explain his demeanor?
• He shows his anger and frustration pretty openly. I haven't witnessed this as much, but I'm told of a few instances where he's shouted at others or made vicious, even frightening facial expressions
Shouting at others... This is something I really try not to do in the workplace, but unfortunately, it has happened on a couple of occasions. I'm pretty quiet and focused at work, so it takes a lot to push me to that point, and I think people get that if I'm yelling, something has gone very wrong (or someone has gone too far in bullying me, as has been the case in a few instances). Is this coworker regularly shouting at people with seemingly no provocation, or can you kind of localize this, figure out what circumstances provoke that response from him? Also, what kind of "vicious, even frightening facial expressions" is he making, exactly? Is he just extremely frustrated, tense, and on deadline when this sort of thing occurs? I'm sure I've scowled or looked a bit scary at work on occasion, but it was usually when I was under extraordinary pressure to perform on deadline, and things weren't going well. Again, "vicious, even frightening facial expressions" can be in the eye of the beholder, so it would help to have more insight into who is perceiving these expressions and what they are.
Anyway, I don't know this guy, and maybe he just really is a difficult jerk. But those are some things to think about, from the perspective of someone who is perhaps misread at times for having some of those habits!
posted by limeonaire at 4:39 PM on September 30, 2013 [2 favorites]
Like what exactly? If he has specific preferences, how are they hard to anticipate? Can you elaborate?
Otherwise...sometimes I read questions like this with an eye to the question "Does this sound like something someone might say about me?" In this case, yeah, almost all of those things could be said about me at various points. To provide some perspective, here is why each of these things might come up with me.
• He has a fairly rigid routine that he likes to follow (i.e. strict workday schedule, lunch at the same time everyday, etc.)
In college, I was amazed by how conformist everyone seemed, in the sense that they all ate their meals around the same times, had extremely conventional routines, etc. Then I got into the workplace, got a bit older, went through some metabolism changes, and found that if I didn't eat at very specific times, I'd feel dizzy or get angry easily or make dumb mistakes. And I noticed all of those feelings more because I was otherwise sitting in the same climate-controlled, unchanging space all day. I also noticed that when I multitasked, I was completely unproductive and made mistakes—as did my coworkers who multitasked. So I also try to avoid multitasking whenever possible, and part of what helps with that is scheduling out my day ahead of time. I'm probably more flexible than your coworker in terms of schedule, since what I do varies a bit each day, but those are some reasons why certain things in my schedule rarely vary.
• He typically avoids eye contact
Some days, when I feel particularly bad about being at work, I avoid eye contact with just about everyone, even people I like. Or if I dislike a particular coworker, I tend to avoid eye contact with them. Or if a coworker is pressuring me about something, I'll avoid eye contact as well, because I don't want to trigger more judgment or discussion of the thing they're pressuring me about. It's not a guilt thing, like some people might think; it's more of a thing like "I don't even want to engage with you to the point of eye contact, because you might see in my eyes just how unhappy I am and/or how much I dislike you and/or how frustrated I am, or if I connect with you at all emotionally, all of my unhappiness might surface. If I keep these feelings—and any feelings you might have—at arm's length, it's probably better for everyone." Maybe, for whatever reason, your coworker doesn't want to engage. Maybe they don't like their job or feel pressured. Some days I feel like a sea anemone, pulling in all of my tentacles to avoid getting bruised or poked.
• During discussions, he will scoff at points he disagrees with and seems to make no effort to hide his doing so
This is a tact thing, which your coworker probably needs to work on. Although I've seen scoffing work for people. When it comes off as a sort of a ballsy, willing-to-challenge-the-status-quo kind of thing, you can be seen as an out-of-the-box thinker for doing so. Is this person coming off as tone-deaf, though? If so, he probably lacks the self-awareness to understand how his critiques are perceived by others—or maybe he's so frustrated, he's just beyond caring.
• He has specific preferences about how he prefers to be communicated with (which are sometimes hard to anticipate)
As noted above, we need more info on this. In my case, I like to get info about changes that need to be made to our work product by email, for instance, rather than by phone, because then I can print out each email about changes as it comes in, assemble a stack of the printouts, and at a later time go through a whole bunch of them at once. That way, I don't have to break my concentration on whatever I'm doing just to make a change to something (or worse, track down what stage of the process something is at or who's responsible for it or what have you—instead, I can just wait until that thing gets to me later on and make the change then). Also, if there's a question later, the emails about changes are all saved, so I can easily retrace my steps and answer the question about what was changed or who requested a change or anything else.
• He can be curt or demeaning when talking to others
How often is he curt and how often is he demeaning? Is he always both curt and demeaning to everyone, or is he just generally kind of curt to most people and outright demeaning to a few people and/or under certain circumstances? Does it seem like he's trying to prove his superiority, or does he seem weary of certain questions or interactions? Also, "curt" and "demeaning" can be a bit relative, in the eye of the beholder—does there seem to be a consensus among the staff that he's curt and demeaning, or are only certain people experiencing/perceiving this?
When I'm on deadline, I can get pretty curt, and sometimes I think people might find me a bit dismissive. I'm usually trying to serve conflicting ends: to get things done on schedule and to get them done accurately, without errors. So all day every day, I'm making a series of decisions and value judgments about which changes to make to things, which changes are optional, and which changes are totally frivolous and baseless. So when I see a change suggested off the cuff and without clear reasoning behind it, especially when that change contradicts a call I made on it earlier in the process or our standard reference materials (often people neglect to consult reference materials before suggesting changes), I can get a little frustrated. All of that is to say...is there something he's frustrated about or under pressure about that's potentially contributing to his curtness? Is there perhaps a reason he might be upset?
• He often has a specific way that he prefers work to be done and may take unilateral ownership of tasks, even if that may not be in the best interests of the team
I feel like sometimes my bosses feel this way about me—that my taking unilateral ownership of certain tasks isn't always in the best interests of the team—and that frustrates me. In my role, I'm responsible for a set of outcomes; as noted above, everything needs to get done on time, as well as be accurate and error-free, and I'm in charge of making that happen. When things haven't been accurate in the past, even when they weren't something I worked on particularly closely, I've still been held accountable for them. Because that's the case, I tend to maintain pretty tight ownership of tasks I'm given, as well as go through a certain set of steps to ensure that they're completed correctly, because if I'm not involved and things aren't processed a certain way, I've found (through hard experience) that they often get lost in the shuffle and/or don't meet our quality standards, and everyone gets frustrated, and I ultimately have to take extra time to fix and/or take responsibility for those failures.
We've tried our processes a variety of ways—sometimes it feels like every month, we're having the same conversation about process—and ultimately, given the constraints we have in terms of scheduling and various people's work styles, I think we get the best outcomes when I take ownership of my part of the process and unilaterally usher tasks through that process. Maybe your coworker has the same kind of frustration—he sees a solution to avoiding problems that for whatever reason, he's unable to implement, or there are parts of your process that he's responsible for that he feels like, for whatever reason, won't get done as well if he doesn't do them. The question then is whether there's a basis in fact for his belief, or whether there's some way to remove some of the burden of responsibility for these things from his shoulders. Is he just a jerk, or is he making important contributions to the team that make up for and/or even might explain his demeanor?
• He shows his anger and frustration pretty openly. I haven't witnessed this as much, but I'm told of a few instances where he's shouted at others or made vicious, even frightening facial expressions
Shouting at others... This is something I really try not to do in the workplace, but unfortunately, it has happened on a couple of occasions. I'm pretty quiet and focused at work, so it takes a lot to push me to that point, and I think people get that if I'm yelling, something has gone very wrong (or someone has gone too far in bullying me, as has been the case in a few instances). Is this coworker regularly shouting at people with seemingly no provocation, or can you kind of localize this, figure out what circumstances provoke that response from him? Also, what kind of "vicious, even frightening facial expressions" is he making, exactly? Is he just extremely frustrated, tense, and on deadline when this sort of thing occurs? I'm sure I've scowled or looked a bit scary at work on occasion, but it was usually when I was under extraordinary pressure to perform on deadline, and things weren't going well. Again, "vicious, even frightening facial expressions" can be in the eye of the beholder, so it would help to have more insight into who is perceiving these expressions and what they are.
Anyway, I don't know this guy, and maybe he just really is a difficult jerk. But those are some things to think about, from the perspective of someone who is perhaps misread at times for having some of those habits!
posted by limeonaire at 4:39 PM on September 30, 2013 [2 favorites]
I've worked in IT engineering for 20-something years and have had to work with quite a few people exhibit traits that are similar to what you are describing. This is basically how I deal with them:
* Appreciate that they are what they are, and are probably pretty good at it since they've been there so long. And the upper management probably know this too.
* Understand that they're probably a bit socially awkward, get stressed out by talking to people, especially in meetings where they are talking to multiple people.
* When I need them to do something for me, bring it up with them one on one, whether it be by email or face to face contact
* Let them be who they are, don't try to judge them or classify them as having some mental condition - that's not your business. Even if it impedes on your work, you can't say "John's asperger syndrome is causing me problems" to your management - you'd have to say "John didn't do blah blah blah, even after several reminders".
* If they're not getting the job done, after prompting, escalate professionally to their management.
* He's been there a decade - he's probably very annoyed by the day-to-day grind of that particular workplace and doesn't realise that it's pretty much the same everywhere else.
In my experience, these kinds of people, once they get to trust YOU, are often the most reliable types of people to work with.
posted by Diag at 6:11 AM on October 1, 2013 [2 favorites]
* Appreciate that they are what they are, and are probably pretty good at it since they've been there so long. And the upper management probably know this too.
* Understand that they're probably a bit socially awkward, get stressed out by talking to people, especially in meetings where they are talking to multiple people.
* When I need them to do something for me, bring it up with them one on one, whether it be by email or face to face contact
* Let them be who they are, don't try to judge them or classify them as having some mental condition - that's not your business. Even if it impedes on your work, you can't say "John's asperger syndrome is causing me problems" to your management - you'd have to say "John didn't do blah blah blah, even after several reminders".
* If they're not getting the job done, after prompting, escalate professionally to their management.
* He's been there a decade - he's probably very annoyed by the day-to-day grind of that particular workplace and doesn't realise that it's pretty much the same everywhere else.
In my experience, these kinds of people, once they get to trust YOU, are often the most reliable types of people to work with.
posted by Diag at 6:11 AM on October 1, 2013 [2 favorites]
Research the INTJ personality. You sound like a more social person not understanding an INTJ.
Signed,
Your local INTJ
posted by squirbel at 12:33 PM on October 1, 2013 [1 favorite]
Signed,
Your local INTJ
posted by squirbel at 12:33 PM on October 1, 2013 [1 favorite]
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Virtually no behavioral issues conform perfectly to anything you'll find on Google, even if you happen across his blog titled "Here Are My Behavioral Issues And How You Can Deal With Them." Just keep doing what you're doing, and when those issues have an actual impact on work (e.g., if he takes ownership of a task that needs to be someone else's, whether because that other person will do it better or because it will take time away from other tasks that he should be doing), explain to him why he needs to let go of that task. If that doesn't work, bring it up to his manager. That is what managers are for. Make them do the heavy lifting that they get paid to do. If they don't want to deal with taking something off his plate, then let it go and let them see the impact that has on the work.
It's not your job to do your manager's job.
posted by Etrigan at 10:10 AM on September 30, 2013 [1 favorite]