Am I the only one who doesn't enjoy kissing?

October 3, 2005 3:08 PM

Awkwardfilter: I got my first kiss this year, and after more practice, I still am not really enjoying it. Is that weird?

I'm a 19 year old, straight female. I've kissed a couple different guys, but overall, I'm still not really enjoying the experience as a whole. My mind starts to wander, and honestly, sometimes I feel like I would rather be watching a movie or some other activity. In all, the physical contact I like, but the kissing itself is nothing special for me.
Is this something that will change over time, or am I alone in feeling this way?

posted by anonymous to health & fitness (21 comments total)

How do you feel about the person kissing you? If you like them, it should probably feel good. If you're disinterested, of course it probably won't feel like much at all. My gut says you don't like these guys very much. Kissing can be really intimate - for me, it's totally only fun at ALL with someone I'm into.
posted by tristeza at 3:14 PM on October 3, 2005

It might change if the person changes (some people are REALLY bad kissers), but yeah, I've dated girls that didn't like kissing that much. It's OK to not want to slobber all over each other endlessly. We'd kiss for a few minutes and then go do something eles.
posted by SpecialK at 3:17 PM on October 3, 2005

*else. ... really need to spell check. Or at least read.
posted by SpecialK at 3:17 PM on October 3, 2005

You know, I went through a period toward the beginning of not being *that* into kissing. Could be that over time, you'll associate it with other things you like and this will increase your enjoyment. Like, why do a lot of guys (and women!) like lingerie? My guess is because it's associated with sex and positive feelings.
posted by lorrer at 3:20 PM on October 3, 2005

Nearly half of the people out there are shitty kissers.
From a drunken spin-the-bottle survey conducted several years back, my conclusion was that guys are generally much worse kissers than girls (see also: But I'm a Cheerleader), though this may be because I'm pretty straight and there was more of a thrill in kissing girls.
The bad guy kissers had tongues like giraffes with Down syndrome, though the tendency to slobber appears to be spread across the population evenly.
posted by klangklangston at 3:36 PM on October 3, 2005

As others have said, it probably has to do with either the person themselves whom you are kissing or the method that they're kissing.

As for practicing - open-mouthed kissing, closed-mouth kissing? Too wet, wet, dry? Tongue too deep, not deep-enough? Kissing other parts of the body aside from lips? Light/heavy? There are boundless permutations of kissing...
posted by PurplePorpoise at 3:37 PM on October 3, 2005

I feel exactly what you're saying. I've been in a similar situation with a past girlfriend where she LOVED to kiss. I, on the other hand, was much more into just chilling and cuddling. Consequently when we got into make-out sessions, My mind definitely wandered but I kept at it for her benefit. I didn't find this much of a problem because it didn't cause me to harbor any bad feelings or anything. It's not like I didn't like kissing her- it's just that after a little while, my mind began to wonder. No big deal.
Fast forward to my most recent girlfriend, and I loved nothing more than to just be in my room and, among other things, kiss. The biggest difference was easily that a) I was much more physically attracted to most recent g/f and b) we did other things besides just kiss in bed (we didn't have sex, be it oral or anything, but still more than kissing). I have no doubt that my heightened physical attraction and enjoying kissing her are intertwined.

You make it sound like enjoying kissing is something you're set out to do. Don't. Just let it be. Find a guy you're really physically attracted to (usually mental attraction goes along with it!) and build up to kissing him. Tease the moment a little. And most of, do not worry about enjoying it. Just dive into the attraction and have at it!

*disclaimer* As with most relationship-type advice, this draws on personal experience and that of friends. As usual, what works for us may not work for you. Try different things. See what works. Experiment!
posted by jmd82 at 3:37 PM on October 3, 2005

Kissing itself can get a bit repetitive at times, even if it is fun at first and even if the other person is a good kisser. Liven things up: caressing, biting each other's lips, wandering away from the mouth to the neck and ears and cheeks and. . . well, use your imagination.
posted by mai at 3:45 PM on October 3, 2005

The more people you kiss, the better it is.
posted by The Jesse Helms at 3:50 PM on October 3, 2005

You're kissing the wrong people.
posted by Manjusri at 5:33 PM on October 3, 2005

When you think about it, kissing is pretty weird.

But the idea is, you love someone so much that you just want to put your mouth on them, as if they were tasty food. If you don't feel that way about someone, then don't sweat it. As long as you don't mind doing it, it's not a big deal.
posted by delmoi at 5:43 PM on October 3, 2005

You're not alone.
posted by davidmsc at 6:03 PM on October 3, 2005

Sad to say, I’m not kissing anyone these days.

But back when I last WAS, my love and I could really get high and lost in a deep, long, slow, improvisatory kiss. It was so obviously a mutually satisfying exploration of a major erogenous zone that for both us was extremely sensitive...jeez, it’s making me swoon just thinking about it.

I’d NEVER liked kissing before like I liked kissing her. I don’t think I ever DIDN’T like it, but it had always before been sort of just one of the instruments in the band, an accompaniment, never a solo player, if you follow me. And clearly, in retrospect, I’d never really kissed anybody else who knew the secrets of blissful kissing, either. But then WE met, and it was like our HEADS became an erotic landscape. But especially the mouths and lips. We had lots of favorite stuff we did, and were always discovering new little thrills and riffs.

One thing was certain: we didn’t go at each other like the slavering, gnawing, chewing, one-note animals you see demonstrating the modern “kiss” in almost every Hollywood movie these days. This was about tongue-touching and lip-dancing and nose-nuzzling and head-holding and breath-sharing and pressure-pleasure...

ANYway, maybe you just haven’t discovered your mouth yet...or the person who will introduce you to it. My experience certainly taught me that it takes two to find that happy land. May it, or something equally wonderous, happen to you, too...

Thanks for the opportunity to remember all those wonderful kisses.
posted by dpcoffin at 8:21 PM on October 3, 2005

It will change, hopefully. I've had good kisses, bad kisses, and fucking fantastic kisses...and some of these have even been with the same person. It's true, it does help when you really like them and/or are super attracted to them. But don't worry - you're young, really. Keep at it. If you don't like what they're doing, try and uhhh..train them to do what you want (which you will figure out as well).
posted by jetskiaccidents at 9:03 PM on October 3, 2005

Think of it like conversation. It can be boring and painful if you don't have any interest in or chemistry with the other person. I don't think it's unusal not to have found great chemistry by age 19. I would suggest that you do it less if you aren't enjoying it. Do it only when you want to or you'll start ruining it as an experience (that would be a loss for sure).

Maybe you're just not into kissing, though. It's no black mark against you or your partner if that's the case. Everyone's different.
posted by scarabic at 9:05 PM on October 3, 2005

For the first month or so, kissing gave me headaches. Like everyone else has said, it's likely to get better.
posted by Aknaton at 10:26 PM on October 3, 2005

1. have you tried kissing girls? seriously.

2. most people can't kiss for shit anyway, so if you've only kissed a few people it's not unlikely you've only kissed really bad kissers.
posted by crabintheocean at 10:56 PM on October 3, 2005

There are 1001 and 1 ways to be with someone besides sticking your tongue down their throat. When you're done with it for you, pull away and then snuggle into their shoulder. Intimacy shouldn't be a chore or a lie.

Or, in the case of insistent make out sessions (and 19 yr olds should have learned better by now), demand that you won't unless it's in a movie theater. Free movie, no one needs see, and he might even like the flick too much to bother you. It's a practical kink. Invent your own.
posted by Sparx at 3:00 AM on October 4, 2005

A kiss is communication. It's art, not science. There are so many ways of kissing. Kisses should be driven by mood and mutual desire, not a formula and a sense of obligation.

There are no hard and fast rules or techniques, but if you're finding kissing unsatisfactory I'd recommend you go slow and gentle. Keep those tongues reined in for a while. Try the lightest of touches and hold it, gently. Take his lower lip between yours with minimal pressure; so soft he barely notices. If he pushes and forces, pull back, smile (so he knows you're not repulsed) and go again. Teach him what you want. Move slowly. Move to the sensitive corners or the mouth and back again. Part the lips oh-so-slightly. Move your lips to a cheek, to the throat, then back again. Take your time; there's no rush. Wait for the heat to rise, don't expect it all at once. And when it does, you'll find your right brain taking over and consequently you'll need to think less and less about what feels good. Let it get as hot as it needs to. Sometimes it'll be lukewarm, sometimes it'll be boiling. Don't expect the same reaction every time.

Why am I suggesting what you should do when it's you who's finding his kissing unsatisfactory? Because you can teach him, that's why.

A word on tongues: don't overdo it. Don't, for pity's sake, jam it deep into your partner's mouth right away. If the kiss is getting into the hot zone, start with a few teasing flicks to the corner of the mouth (I tell you, that area is deadly sensitive for many people). Touch tip to tip and retreat. Circle and play, then go back to lips and lightness again. Think waves, not waterfall. Wait until you really want the serious tongue play before going for it. And you'll know when you want it. Then it's time to make sure you're somewhere nice and private...
posted by Decani at 9:45 AM on October 4, 2005

Find a guy you're really physically attracted to

This might be exactly the wrong advice.

have you tried kissing girls? seriously.

This might be exactly the right advice.

Let's be honest - many girls don't realise they are gay by your age. I obviously do not know you from Adam Eve, but is it a possibility?
posted by dash_slot- at 11:27 AM on October 4, 2005

My first kiss was dull as all get out. I think kissing is various percentages physical sensation, a way of communicating desire (a tad better than words), and a bit of the second + hints of what to expect.

All in all, I'd agree with "The more people you kiss, the better it is.".
posted by Jack Karaoke at 9:41 PM on October 4, 2005