Narcissist, emotionally unavailable....whatever it is someone slap me!
September 17, 2013 10:41 AM Subscribe
Prince charming to "we met at the right times in each others lives, I hope I showed you what kind of man deserves your spoils and you showed me that there are good woman out there and that I don't need to waste any more time wondering if there are." Seems condiscending to me given that I don't feel he is the type of man who deserves my spoils, and clearly I'm not that great of a woman in his eyes for him to walk out on. Help me find my closure...if you have the time...negative/positive feedback welcomed, sometimes people need to hear the hurtful truth.
I am going through a break up with someone of 7 mos (it may seem short term but our "world wind romance" made it feel otherwise). I want to regain my confidence and be OK with the decision that was made in ending this relationship, but I continue to search for answers within my head... I need closure, he wont give it to me so I am trying to do it on my own. I am 30, he is 35.
I met him as he was coming through town and it turned into a LDR. The first 5 months were nothing less than amazing. He was "enamored" with me from the onset, reminded me how lucky he felt, that I was the woman he has been searching for, would drive 5 hours almost every weekend to see me sometimes even for just 2 short days. He was everything I thought I wanted, a "real man"- cooked, cleaned, enjoyed active outdoor things, helped me organize my house, we saw eye to eye on goals/desires, we had a strong connection, chemistry and I finally for once felt comfortable with someone, he was out-going, extremely charming and easy to bring around. I was proud to have him by my side. I have never laughed or had such a good time no matter what we were doing together. He told me I was his hero, his everything- I am starting to doubt anything he ever told me and feel as though I was sucked into a web of lies just to keep me next to him until he decided when to leave for the next, or "something better." He filled my head with thoughts of our future, how happy we would be, when we would be able to move togther, have children, where we would live... (I never brought any of this up and sort of tried to slow the talk down).
It all started going down hill during an argument he got into my best friend during which he didn't agree with something she said and became enraged telling her she was a horrible person and would be alone forever. I know both were at fault, but his reaction was over the top and he never would admit that he should have stayed out of other's business and not said hurtful things. I have seen a couple other instances of his rage in reactions to people, and what he says are "people shoulnd't act stupid then" or "I just dont have time to deal with sensitive or stupid people." Never claiming any responsiblity. After that, I took him out for a dinner and night into town which turned in to me taking him to a local bar causing a fight because the crowd/scene there didn't match how he felt his life was heading. It turned in to an argument which led to him making me feel as I had done something wrong, that I wasn't good enough for him and he left the day after without much thought or words other than we aren't compatible. Of course, he called me the next day claiming to have made a huge mistake that he has been conditioned to not express himself in fear of being hurt and to avoid that it's easier for him to walk way- basically saying he assumed I would hurt him one day so why not take matters into his own hands and leave before being hurt. I foolishly took him back. He wanted to re-wind to before the argument to when everything was okay, and expressed this. I did not and wanted to talk it out, so we met half way.
Now... he basically broke up with me before a vacation (were supposed to go on it with the same friend he got into that argument with and her boyfriend) stating that he needed more substance "because I partied my whole 20s"- he found pictures of me in my house (that he snooped through) during my 21-25 yo age when I did party, safely but took it to an extreme of judging my past thinking I was a crazy party girl. He told me he loved the person I was today but was afraid the "person I used to be would resurface." FYI- I was never a crazy party girl, I partied like any normal 20 yr old, I received my bachelors and masters degree by age 25 and have worked in a top secret clearnance govt job for goign on 10 years today, I own a home and overall can say I am a caring considerate person with a good group of friends and family.
I told him I could judge him until the sun came up but I don't judge people based on their past because the past is who makes you who you are today. He is divorced with a 16 yo daughter, was engaged to another woman and broke that off, bought a home with another woman who he broke it off with, and has a series of approx 7 month relatinoships. I never judged him... I just listened to him and got to know him better. I was divorced and he took that and asked if I was "damaged goods" now.
I'm reading all this and saying, hello- you deserve so much better. But, why can't I get this through my head! I just don't understand how someone can care so much about another person, put in so much effort, tell them how crazy they are about them, fill my head with future plans but then judge me so harshly and not accept me for the good person I am and leave me because he "feels" it is the right thing to do, he misses me telling me that he feels his best friend is absent and we have had a couple weekend "flings" which I finally cut because it wasn't healthy for me. He was so caught up in judging my past it almost made me feel like I had done something wrong because I do know I am a good person who can offer the right person, if they are willing to accept me good and bad, with everything they/we have ever wanted. Maybe I'm having a hard time accepting rejection :( Maybe there are red flags I am not used to seeing as I am new to dating. He was very intense in the beginning, he had my picture as his screen on his phone and would talk about how beautiful I was, how I was everything he has been looking for, how he is single because he hasn't been able to find the "right woman", how I have made him want to be a better person. He seemed like a prince charming, and he does have the quality of charming anyone. He will never give me closure because I feel he is unable to tap into his true emotions. So now I feel stuck, like I have been wasting brain power on this man who doesn't seem to even care to reach out and tell me he appreciated me in his life but it just isn't going to work, instead telling me he has no time in his life right now to deal with relationships issues and that I am, for lack of better words, just not good enough for him.
I am going through a break up with someone of 7 mos (it may seem short term but our "world wind romance" made it feel otherwise). I want to regain my confidence and be OK with the decision that was made in ending this relationship, but I continue to search for answers within my head... I need closure, he wont give it to me so I am trying to do it on my own. I am 30, he is 35.
I met him as he was coming through town and it turned into a LDR. The first 5 months were nothing less than amazing. He was "enamored" with me from the onset, reminded me how lucky he felt, that I was the woman he has been searching for, would drive 5 hours almost every weekend to see me sometimes even for just 2 short days. He was everything I thought I wanted, a "real man"- cooked, cleaned, enjoyed active outdoor things, helped me organize my house, we saw eye to eye on goals/desires, we had a strong connection, chemistry and I finally for once felt comfortable with someone, he was out-going, extremely charming and easy to bring around. I was proud to have him by my side. I have never laughed or had such a good time no matter what we were doing together. He told me I was his hero, his everything- I am starting to doubt anything he ever told me and feel as though I was sucked into a web of lies just to keep me next to him until he decided when to leave for the next, or "something better." He filled my head with thoughts of our future, how happy we would be, when we would be able to move togther, have children, where we would live... (I never brought any of this up and sort of tried to slow the talk down).
It all started going down hill during an argument he got into my best friend during which he didn't agree with something she said and became enraged telling her she was a horrible person and would be alone forever. I know both were at fault, but his reaction was over the top and he never would admit that he should have stayed out of other's business and not said hurtful things. I have seen a couple other instances of his rage in reactions to people, and what he says are "people shoulnd't act stupid then" or "I just dont have time to deal with sensitive or stupid people." Never claiming any responsiblity. After that, I took him out for a dinner and night into town which turned in to me taking him to a local bar causing a fight because the crowd/scene there didn't match how he felt his life was heading. It turned in to an argument which led to him making me feel as I had done something wrong, that I wasn't good enough for him and he left the day after without much thought or words other than we aren't compatible. Of course, he called me the next day claiming to have made a huge mistake that he has been conditioned to not express himself in fear of being hurt and to avoid that it's easier for him to walk way- basically saying he assumed I would hurt him one day so why not take matters into his own hands and leave before being hurt. I foolishly took him back. He wanted to re-wind to before the argument to when everything was okay, and expressed this. I did not and wanted to talk it out, so we met half way.
Now... he basically broke up with me before a vacation (were supposed to go on it with the same friend he got into that argument with and her boyfriend) stating that he needed more substance "because I partied my whole 20s"- he found pictures of me in my house (that he snooped through) during my 21-25 yo age when I did party, safely but took it to an extreme of judging my past thinking I was a crazy party girl. He told me he loved the person I was today but was afraid the "person I used to be would resurface." FYI- I was never a crazy party girl, I partied like any normal 20 yr old, I received my bachelors and masters degree by age 25 and have worked in a top secret clearnance govt job for goign on 10 years today, I own a home and overall can say I am a caring considerate person with a good group of friends and family.
I told him I could judge him until the sun came up but I don't judge people based on their past because the past is who makes you who you are today. He is divorced with a 16 yo daughter, was engaged to another woman and broke that off, bought a home with another woman who he broke it off with, and has a series of approx 7 month relatinoships. I never judged him... I just listened to him and got to know him better. I was divorced and he took that and asked if I was "damaged goods" now.
I'm reading all this and saying, hello- you deserve so much better. But, why can't I get this through my head! I just don't understand how someone can care so much about another person, put in so much effort, tell them how crazy they are about them, fill my head with future plans but then judge me so harshly and not accept me for the good person I am and leave me because he "feels" it is the right thing to do, he misses me telling me that he feels his best friend is absent and we have had a couple weekend "flings" which I finally cut because it wasn't healthy for me. He was so caught up in judging my past it almost made me feel like I had done something wrong because I do know I am a good person who can offer the right person, if they are willing to accept me good and bad, with everything they/we have ever wanted. Maybe I'm having a hard time accepting rejection :( Maybe there are red flags I am not used to seeing as I am new to dating. He was very intense in the beginning, he had my picture as his screen on his phone and would talk about how beautiful I was, how I was everything he has been looking for, how he is single because he hasn't been able to find the "right woman", how I have made him want to be a better person. He seemed like a prince charming, and he does have the quality of charming anyone. He will never give me closure because I feel he is unable to tap into his true emotions. So now I feel stuck, like I have been wasting brain power on this man who doesn't seem to even care to reach out and tell me he appreciated me in his life but it just isn't going to work, instead telling me he has no time in his life right now to deal with relationships issues and that I am, for lack of better words, just not good enough for him.
Best answer: Urgh. I'm sure lots of other Metas will come in to tell you this guy isnt good news (cause he isnt) But, this guy is a mess. The inconsistency and drama and crazypants is way, way too much to deal with, especially this early in the relationship.
So, it sounds like no contact is a good option. He will never tell you what happened, but this doesn't matter. He is not good for you. Chalk it up to a learning experience- Dating shouldn't be so weird to early in the relationship.
You sound pretty level headed. This sounds like his mess, not yours.
posted by Jacen at 10:49 AM on September 17, 2013 [2 favorites]
So, it sounds like no contact is a good option. He will never tell you what happened, but this doesn't matter. He is not good for you. Chalk it up to a learning experience- Dating shouldn't be so weird to early in the relationship.
You sound pretty level headed. This sounds like his mess, not yours.
posted by Jacen at 10:49 AM on September 17, 2013 [2 favorites]
Best answer: I just don't understand how someone can care so much about another person, put in so much effort, tell them how crazy they are about them, fill my head with future plans but then judge me so harshly and not accept me for the good person I am...
Just so this is clear: this is pretty much what the inside of an abusive relationship looks like.
Walk away from this, no contact, clean break. Not only can you do better, but this relationship is only going to get worse.
posted by mhoye at 10:50 AM on September 17, 2013 [21 favorites]
Just so this is clear: this is pretty much what the inside of an abusive relationship looks like.
Walk away from this, no contact, clean break. Not only can you do better, but this relationship is only going to get worse.
posted by mhoye at 10:50 AM on September 17, 2013 [21 favorites]
You have listed individual details from your relationship with him, that lead me to think that YOU think that if only you hadn't.... It's not true. This guy is just into "Whirlwind" romances and the wind stopped blowing. That's all.
The whole, "you partied", thing, is a red herring. If not that, it would have been, "you cut your hair too short" or "you farted." There was always something that was going to put this dude off.
So now, he's off. No problem. Go no contact, and become very busy with your friends.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 10:56 AM on September 17, 2013 [15 favorites]
The whole, "you partied", thing, is a red herring. If not that, it would have been, "you cut your hair too short" or "you farted." There was always something that was going to put this dude off.
So now, he's off. No problem. Go no contact, and become very busy with your friends.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 10:56 AM on September 17, 2013 [15 favorites]
Best answer: Dude sounds like a Bad News Bear. For your sake, I'm glad it was only seven months, and that you don't have any permanent entanglements like a marriage or kids. I've seen this kind of guy really screw up people's lives. It's fortunate (although I know it doesn't feel that way) that you can make a clean break.
Maybe there are red flags I am not used to seeing as I am new to dating. He was very intense in the beginning, he had my picture as his screen on his phone and would talk about how beautiful I was, how I was everything he has been looking for, how he is single because he hasn't been able to find the "right woman", how I have made him want to be a better person. He seemed like a prince charming, and he does have the quality of charming anyone.
These are all red flags. He's casting you in a role before he gets to know you. He's rushing the pace of your relationship. He's telling you you make him "want to be better," which makes you responsible for his behavior. He's telling you you're not like "the other women", which makes you feel like you have to live up to that. It also generally means it's only a matter of time before you will be "just like that bitch [ex's name]."
I know it's a standard on AskMe, but I think reading Gavin DeBacker's The Gift of Fear might give you some insight into how serial manipulators work, and what some of the red flags here may have been.
posted by pie ninja at 10:57 AM on September 17, 2013 [11 favorites]
Maybe there are red flags I am not used to seeing as I am new to dating. He was very intense in the beginning, he had my picture as his screen on his phone and would talk about how beautiful I was, how I was everything he has been looking for, how he is single because he hasn't been able to find the "right woman", how I have made him want to be a better person. He seemed like a prince charming, and he does have the quality of charming anyone.
These are all red flags. He's casting you in a role before he gets to know you. He's rushing the pace of your relationship. He's telling you you make him "want to be better," which makes you responsible for his behavior. He's telling you you're not like "the other women", which makes you feel like you have to live up to that. It also generally means it's only a matter of time before you will be "just like that bitch [ex's name]."
I know it's a standard on AskMe, but I think reading Gavin DeBacker's The Gift of Fear might give you some insight into how serial manipulators work, and what some of the red flags here may have been.
posted by pie ninja at 10:57 AM on September 17, 2013 [11 favorites]
Oh god this happened to me. LDR, met by chance, whirlwind, but he was looking for a reason to dump me, and once he found "evidence" that I wasn't who he thought I was, he ended it ruthlessly. I was sad, but somewhat relieved as well. He was Messed Up.
Trust issues, OCD, madonna/whore complex, whatever.... dumbasses be dumbasses.
You loved him sincerely (I did too), but time WILL heal this. Know in your heart that accepting nothing less than healthy relationships is more important than "yes but FEELINGS!" that were running through you. Let go of your need to have him acknowledge his "stuff" because that won't happen, and you really don't need it, if you look at it truthfully.
You are 30 btw - plenty young to find your dream guy.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 10:58 AM on September 17, 2013 [4 favorites]
Trust issues, OCD, madonna/whore complex, whatever.... dumbasses be dumbasses.
You loved him sincerely (I did too), but time WILL heal this. Know in your heart that accepting nothing less than healthy relationships is more important than "yes but FEELINGS!" that were running through you. Let go of your need to have him acknowledge his "stuff" because that won't happen, and you really don't need it, if you look at it truthfully.
You are 30 btw - plenty young to find your dream guy.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 10:58 AM on September 17, 2013 [4 favorites]
Best answer: I told him I could judge him until the sun came up but I don't judge people based on their past because the past is who makes you who you are today. He is divorced with a 16 yo daughter, was engaged to another woman and broke that off, bought a home with another woman who he broke it off with, and has a series of approx 7 month relationships.
Maybe you should judge people a little more. What's the best indicator of future behaviour? Past behaviour. Like what R. Bunny & Pie Ninja said, if he's got a string of chaos in his wake, it's only a matter of time until that includes you.
I was divorced and he took that and asked if I was "damaged goods" now.
Double standards, black&white freakshow. I love it! And when you build your self esteem up, you will find questions like this so laughably ridiculous that you'll thank him for a good belly laugh while you're walking away.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:04 AM on September 17, 2013 [11 favorites]
Maybe you should judge people a little more. What's the best indicator of future behaviour? Past behaviour. Like what R. Bunny & Pie Ninja said, if he's got a string of chaos in his wake, it's only a matter of time until that includes you.
I was divorced and he took that and asked if I was "damaged goods" now.
Double standards, black&white freakshow. I love it! And when you build your self esteem up, you will find questions like this so laughably ridiculous that you'll thank him for a good belly laugh while you're walking away.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:04 AM on September 17, 2013 [11 favorites]
That whole rushed-pace, "whirlwind" romance with promises of kids and rainbows and unicorns is pretty typical of fundamentally messed-up, emotionally abusive dudes, from what I understand. It's counterintuitive, isn't it? You'd think, if they weren't serious about being in love, why would they say it, why bother? But for some reason it's the opposite. Beware the guys that rush. They do not love you; they love an image they've decided they want, and they stick that mask over your face, but they do not love you, and they will always resent you for being a real person and not their made-up ideal.
The good news is, you sound rock solid and awesome, and this guy sounds like ridiculous, flaky bad news. A dude who at 35 has nothing to show but strings of short-duration girlfriends and ex wives is not a dude who is all of a sudden going to be a dreamboat. Give yourself some time to shake off the shock of all of this, and remember to be cautious the next time someone tries to woo you at light speed.
posted by fingersandtoes at 11:07 AM on September 17, 2013 [13 favorites]
The good news is, you sound rock solid and awesome, and this guy sounds like ridiculous, flaky bad news. A dude who at 35 has nothing to show but strings of short-duration girlfriends and ex wives is not a dude who is all of a sudden going to be a dreamboat. Give yourself some time to shake off the shock of all of this, and remember to be cautious the next time someone tries to woo you at light speed.
posted by fingersandtoes at 11:07 AM on September 17, 2013 [13 favorites]
Response by poster: Everyone who has responded...thank you!!
posted by love2much at 11:08 AM on September 17, 2013
posted by love2much at 11:08 AM on September 17, 2013
Best answer: Something I realized through just the right amount of heartache is:
There is simply no such thing as the "One."
There is a singular feeling; that "one" feeling of loving and being loved which is awoken within ourselves, but there are many paths, and people on these paths, who will walk with us and sometimes, away from us. Love is not a destination, but a journey.
If at the end of the day, you have been true to yourself, then that's all the closure you need.
posted by Debaser626 at 11:12 AM on September 17, 2013 [5 favorites]
There is simply no such thing as the "One."
There is a singular feeling; that "one" feeling of loving and being loved which is awoken within ourselves, but there are many paths, and people on these paths, who will walk with us and sometimes, away from us. Love is not a destination, but a journey.
If at the end of the day, you have been true to yourself, then that's all the closure you need.
posted by Debaser626 at 11:12 AM on September 17, 2013 [5 favorites]
I just don't understand how someone can care so much about another person, put in so much effort, tell them how crazy they are about them, fill my head with future plans but then judge me so harshly...
Because he's fucked up. Really, this is 100% him.
Maybe there are red flags I am not used to seeing as I am new to dating. He was very intense in the beginning
There are loads of red flags. "Intense in the beginning" is not evidence in his favor - it's one of the red flags.
It's very pleasing and very seductive to feel like you have swept someone off their feet (because they're telling you so), but it's also a manipulative tactic designed to get you to behave more malleably in participating in their fantasy. In future, be reserved when someone who is just getting to know you seems to become rapidly obsessed with you .
Other red flags:
-unstable past relationship history. Also, you can learn a lot about people by learning what their relationship with exes and children is like
-immaturity (acting out instead of discussing problems/feelings)
-emotionally volatile
-hard time getting along with others
-reacting with strong intensity to small stimuli (like not liking a restaurant)
-trying to talk you out of your own feelings
-snooping
-trying to make you feel bad about yourself (this whole 'partying' thing which is nonsense)
Based on what you've said here, I really don't see a single thing wrong with you other than that perhaps you can learn from this to set stronger boundaries in future. This a pretty classic thing when you haven't done a lot of dating - what's normal, what are good boundaries, what makes a good partner. Chalk this one up to experience and when see these red flags again, avoid. You sound like a lovely, responsible person with a functional life and you should not accept the circus gyrations this guy tried to put you through in some kind of attempt to calm his own inner needs.
Don't feel rejected - feel lucky. Very lucky. You escaped going further down into an abusive situation, you have managed to recognize what you need most and pull back from all this, and you really dodged a bullet, I think. This guy is pretty bad news. No doubt he's charming, as that's how people like this ingratiate themselves to new targets, but that doesn't mean he's really a good person. Sounds like he's not. Be grateful you didn't invest more time.
Now is a great time to do a very useful exercise: sit down with a notepad and make a serious list of the qualities you want to find in your next partner(s) - the personal qualities you think you deserve. Include things about how they deal with emotions, how they speak to you, how you want to feel when you're with them, how they handle adversity, how they get along with others, what their values are. You have a moment here with lots of clarity and detail about that, and doing that process will both help you put this misadventure to rest, and prepare for the next (better) relationship(s) you'll have.
posted by Miko at 11:22 AM on September 17, 2013 [16 favorites]
Because he's fucked up. Really, this is 100% him.
Maybe there are red flags I am not used to seeing as I am new to dating. He was very intense in the beginning
There are loads of red flags. "Intense in the beginning" is not evidence in his favor - it's one of the red flags.
It's very pleasing and very seductive to feel like you have swept someone off their feet (because they're telling you so), but it's also a manipulative tactic designed to get you to behave more malleably in participating in their fantasy. In future, be reserved when someone who is just getting to know you seems to become rapidly obsessed with you .
Other red flags:
-unstable past relationship history. Also, you can learn a lot about people by learning what their relationship with exes and children is like
-immaturity (acting out instead of discussing problems/feelings)
-emotionally volatile
-hard time getting along with others
-reacting with strong intensity to small stimuli (like not liking a restaurant)
-trying to talk you out of your own feelings
-snooping
-trying to make you feel bad about yourself (this whole 'partying' thing which is nonsense)
Based on what you've said here, I really don't see a single thing wrong with you other than that perhaps you can learn from this to set stronger boundaries in future. This a pretty classic thing when you haven't done a lot of dating - what's normal, what are good boundaries, what makes a good partner. Chalk this one up to experience and when see these red flags again, avoid. You sound like a lovely, responsible person with a functional life and you should not accept the circus gyrations this guy tried to put you through in some kind of attempt to calm his own inner needs.
Don't feel rejected - feel lucky. Very lucky. You escaped going further down into an abusive situation, you have managed to recognize what you need most and pull back from all this, and you really dodged a bullet, I think. This guy is pretty bad news. No doubt he's charming, as that's how people like this ingratiate themselves to new targets, but that doesn't mean he's really a good person. Sounds like he's not. Be grateful you didn't invest more time.
Now is a great time to do a very useful exercise: sit down with a notepad and make a serious list of the qualities you want to find in your next partner(s) - the personal qualities you think you deserve. Include things about how they deal with emotions, how they speak to you, how you want to feel when you're with them, how they handle adversity, how they get along with others, what their values are. You have a moment here with lots of clarity and detail about that, and doing that process will both help you put this misadventure to rest, and prepare for the next (better) relationship(s) you'll have.
posted by Miko at 11:22 AM on September 17, 2013 [16 favorites]
Maybe there are red flags I am not used to seeing as I am new to dating. He was very intense in the beginning, he had my picture as his screen on his phone and would talk about how beautiful I was, how I was everything he has been looking for, how he is single because he hasn't been able to find the "right woman", how I have made him want to be a better person. He seemed like a prince charming, and he does have the quality of charming anyone.
Yup, as said above, everything in this sentence after "not used to seeing" IS A RED FLAG. Healthy, stable people don't say these kinds of things in the very first weeks of a relationship, because healthy, stable people know:
-You can't know someone is "everything" you've been looking for so quickly
-No one person is "everything."
-Prince Charming is a fictional character and people who act like that are making it up.
posted by like_a_friend at 11:23 AM on September 17, 2013 [3 favorites]
Yup, as said above, everything in this sentence after "not used to seeing" IS A RED FLAG. Healthy, stable people don't say these kinds of things in the very first weeks of a relationship, because healthy, stable people know:
-You can't know someone is "everything" you've been looking for so quickly
-No one person is "everything."
-Prince Charming is a fictional character and people who act like that are making it up.
posted by like_a_friend at 11:23 AM on September 17, 2013 [3 favorites]
Holy crap, this is the guy who just dumped me. He was the perfect charismatic gentleman. Extensive praise, I love you, when we get married where should we live?, you're beautiful, I'm so proud to have you with me... He always was several steps ahead of me in all of that. And then he had a total Jekyll and Hyde moment and broke up with me for the craziest reason ever. In talking with my therapist, she said he shows many signs of borderline personality disorder and serious abandonment issues and was so afraid that I had the means to leave him, he made up a crazy reason and left me first.
I am also new to dating (late in life) and I think I got sucked into the fairytale aspect of all of it. Someone actually loves me! Someone wants to spend their life with me! Someone really thinks I'm beautiful! I think that was the red flag I missed. No one is that perfect. I should have been more suspicious of the early declarations of love and desire for marriage. When my heart said this is too fast, I should have listened. But it all felt so good and safe and wonderful.
You didn't do anything wrong. You made yourself vulnerable to another human being and that is a good thing. You gave your heart to someone and it got thrown back at you through no fault of your own. He's not right somewhere inside and that kind of thing cannot be rationalized or explained because it's not logical. Just be glad to be free of someone who would do that to you and spend some time thinking about how to keep yourself open to love, but maybe a bit more protectively until you are sure of who that person really is under the surface. At least that's the advice I received for my loved ones and therapist. Hang in there and know you're not alone in being blindsided by someone you didn't think was capable of it!
posted by cecic at 11:29 AM on September 17, 2013 [9 favorites]
I am also new to dating (late in life) and I think I got sucked into the fairytale aspect of all of it. Someone actually loves me! Someone wants to spend their life with me! Someone really thinks I'm beautiful! I think that was the red flag I missed. No one is that perfect. I should have been more suspicious of the early declarations of love and desire for marriage. When my heart said this is too fast, I should have listened. But it all felt so good and safe and wonderful.
You didn't do anything wrong. You made yourself vulnerable to another human being and that is a good thing. You gave your heart to someone and it got thrown back at you through no fault of your own. He's not right somewhere inside and that kind of thing cannot be rationalized or explained because it's not logical. Just be glad to be free of someone who would do that to you and spend some time thinking about how to keep yourself open to love, but maybe a bit more protectively until you are sure of who that person really is under the surface. At least that's the advice I received for my loved ones and therapist. Hang in there and know you're not alone in being blindsided by someone you didn't think was capable of it!
posted by cecic at 11:29 AM on September 17, 2013 [9 favorites]
Lots of good info and advice here already. I had a couple of run-ins with this type before meeting my husband. They say all this romantic stuff and then they're the ones who get scared and bolt, or they invent some reason to bail. You couldn't have done anything different--IT'S NOT YOU, IT'S HIM.
This book's a real eye-opener regarding him and his M.O. Reading it made me feel loads better. Though I understand you are hurting, I believe you'll soon be glad you got out after 7 months and didn't spend longer trying make this impossible person happy.
When you meet the right person, he won't act like this! Promise!
Wishing you all luck.
posted by sister nunchaku of love and mercy at 11:50 AM on September 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
This book's a real eye-opener regarding him and his M.O. Reading it made me feel loads better. Though I understand you are hurting, I believe you'll soon be glad you got out after 7 months and didn't spend longer trying make this impossible person happy.
When you meet the right person, he won't act like this! Promise!
Wishing you all luck.
posted by sister nunchaku of love and mercy at 11:50 AM on September 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
I met him as he was coming through town and it turned into a LDR. The first 5 months were nothing less than amazing. He was "enamored" with me from the onset, reminded me how lucky he felt, that I was the woman he has been searching for, would drive 5 hours almost every weekend to see me sometimes even for just 2 short days.
Danger Will Robinson! Abort! Abort!
So, now you know that someone who comes on that strong is bad news. A lot of us have to learn that the hard way. I did, too.
Is this the guy in your previous questions? If so, good riddance. It hurts now, but you are better off without that creep in your life.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 12:03 PM on September 17, 2013
Danger Will Robinson! Abort! Abort!
So, now you know that someone who comes on that strong is bad news. A lot of us have to learn that the hard way. I did, too.
Is this the guy in your previous questions? If so, good riddance. It hurts now, but you are better off without that creep in your life.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 12:03 PM on September 17, 2013
It sounds to me like he's in love with being in love, and at the first sign of actual work, he hightails it out to find a new love. Ugh. Good riddance, I'm sure, but that doesn't help you much, does it?
The only advice I have that I haven't seen upthread is to give yourself a break on how you feel; you ask why you can't just get it through your head, and say that you're stuck in a loop of thinking about it. I don't know exactly how to put this, because it's one of those things you kind of have to figure out for yourself and then when you do, it's like a light bulb came on (or in my case, like I got smacked in the back of the head), but: allow yourself to feel how you feel, think what you think, and be upset or confused. Don't berate yourself, or insist that you should get over it, or that you should get it through your head that he sucks, or whatever. Yes, eventually you will need to move past it, but for now, do a little healthy wallowing. I've found that if I push myself through a grieving or mourning period, it backs up on me later; in one case, 15 years later. This sucks; it's okay to think that. It's okay to mourn for what you thought was there. It's okay to not totally understand WTF is up with that guy, and to feel betrayed. It is what it is, and there's nothing wrong with how this has made you feel.
And I want to repeat what many have said, although in some ways it's maybe not a comfort - it probably wasn't about you. It sounds like this was all about him. I am not someone who believes that everything happens for a reason, but I do believe that I can take something positive from almost every situation. After you've given yourself some time to be good and righteously pissed off, think about what you can take away from this that will be a net gain. I'm sorry for your loss, and good luck.
posted by jennaratrix at 12:04 PM on September 17, 2013
The only advice I have that I haven't seen upthread is to give yourself a break on how you feel; you ask why you can't just get it through your head, and say that you're stuck in a loop of thinking about it. I don't know exactly how to put this, because it's one of those things you kind of have to figure out for yourself and then when you do, it's like a light bulb came on (or in my case, like I got smacked in the back of the head), but: allow yourself to feel how you feel, think what you think, and be upset or confused. Don't berate yourself, or insist that you should get over it, or that you should get it through your head that he sucks, or whatever. Yes, eventually you will need to move past it, but for now, do a little healthy wallowing. I've found that if I push myself through a grieving or mourning period, it backs up on me later; in one case, 15 years later. This sucks; it's okay to think that. It's okay to mourn for what you thought was there. It's okay to not totally understand WTF is up with that guy, and to feel betrayed. It is what it is, and there's nothing wrong with how this has made you feel.
And I want to repeat what many have said, although in some ways it's maybe not a comfort - it probably wasn't about you. It sounds like this was all about him. I am not someone who believes that everything happens for a reason, but I do believe that I can take something positive from almost every situation. After you've given yourself some time to be good and righteously pissed off, think about what you can take away from this that will be a net gain. I'm sorry for your loss, and good luck.
posted by jennaratrix at 12:04 PM on September 17, 2013
Is this guy "Steve" from your last question? Because if so, I think you should re-read all of the answers to that question advising you that he's an unstable, angry, potentially violent guy with all sorts of emotional problems bubbling very close to the surface. He has serious mental issues, and that's why he's behaving this way.
For you, I think you need to stop dating for a while until you figure out who you are as an independent adult person. If I'm reading your past questions right, you were married for a long time, then you got involved with this guy before your divorce was even finalized. You haven't been on your own for a long time, since your early 20s at least. And I think you need to be. Because part of the reason you keep choosing these men and can't see their craziness coming is at least in part that you need to learn to stand on your own two feet. I mean, you label yourself "love2much." You acknowledge that you're putting too much of yourself into your romantic relationships. I think you need to be on your own for a while to figure out how not to do that, how to retain who you are when you're with someone else.
posted by decathecting at 12:46 PM on September 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
For you, I think you need to stop dating for a while until you figure out who you are as an independent adult person. If I'm reading your past questions right, you were married for a long time, then you got involved with this guy before your divorce was even finalized. You haven't been on your own for a long time, since your early 20s at least. And I think you need to be. Because part of the reason you keep choosing these men and can't see their craziness coming is at least in part that you need to learn to stand on your own two feet. I mean, you label yourself "love2much." You acknowledge that you're putting too much of yourself into your romantic relationships. I think you need to be on your own for a while to figure out how not to do that, how to retain who you are when you're with someone else.
posted by decathecting at 12:46 PM on September 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Yes...yes it is, and yes I agree with you 100%. I realize that I need to be on my own and figure myself out before I let anyone else in emotionally/romantically. Sometimes you have to fall to get back up, and I come here for support although I may have put myself in this situation and not listened, I was able to hear what everyone was saying and, although too late, I did walk away from this and end it. Am just now dealing with the aftermath...and it helps me to let everything out in a safe environment. Thank you for reading past posts to understand my full story.
posted by love2much at 12:53 PM on September 17, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by love2much at 12:53 PM on September 17, 2013 [2 favorites]
Anyone who comes at you too hard too fast too soon are dealing with their own insanity, with you as merely a prop that got swept into their messed-up internal script.
Think of this as have been caught in a natural disaster -- devastating, but impersonal. They didn't set out to deliberately hurt you, but are doomed to relive their internal turmoil until they either learn better or their lives run out. Sucks to be them.
And now you have seen one up close and know the signs to look out for and avoid in the future. Good luck.
posted by enlivener at 1:17 PM on September 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
Think of this as have been caught in a natural disaster -- devastating, but impersonal. They didn't set out to deliberately hurt you, but are doomed to relive their internal turmoil until they either learn better or their lives run out. Sucks to be them.
And now you have seen one up close and know the signs to look out for and avoid in the future. Good luck.
posted by enlivener at 1:17 PM on September 17, 2013 [1 favorite]
He sounds like a complete sociopath. Count your blessings and move one. In the future, beware the whirlwind (not world wind. Sorry.)
posted by nubianinthedesert at 2:30 PM on September 17, 2013
posted by nubianinthedesert at 2:30 PM on September 17, 2013
Best answer: Shit, you dodged a huge fucking bullet. Manipulative, prone to rages, tripping out on you? Kick back, have a beer and instead of mourning the one that got away, say, "Thank God I got away."
posted by klangklangston at 6:26 PM on September 17, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by klangklangston at 6:26 PM on September 17, 2013 [4 favorites]
This is a little confusing for me, because I just read the last question you posted, and I think we are getting two different perspectives of the same situation.
So, just to be clear, you are actually the friend mentioned in the previous question from this account. Is that right? Okay.
Look, sometimes the reason whirlwind romances are whirlwinds is because the guy needs to act fast and catch you off guard before your instincts start kicking in. Once you start looking closely at things, you begin to realize that everything's only good as long as he is calling the shots. This is the kind of guy who needs to be in control. Of you, of the relationship, of everything.
Look what happened here. Once you (or your friends) started questioning or disagreeing with him, his true colors came out. His temper lashes out, and immediately he throws you right off of that pedestal he had placed you on, where you were Cinderella to his Prince Charming. All of the sudden he is calling you names and making ugly insinuations about your morals from years before you two even met each other.
Which is crazy, obviously. And he knows that. So he wants to rewind to before that fight, because he screwed up and showed you the ugly part of him he was trying to cover up. The part he didn't want you to see until he had enough control over you that you would take it for granted he was right when he told you it was your fault. Because believe me, after a while? Everything would be your fault.
You, showing good judgment, thought you should both be open and honest moving going forward. But he can't have that! Because he's let his mask slip too far. Now he will not have the upper hand any more!
So he had to break up with you.
Don't worry. You haven't found your Prince Charming yet. This guy was just another frog.
There's your closure! ;)
posted by misha at 7:00 PM on September 17, 2013
So, just to be clear, you are actually the friend mentioned in the previous question from this account. Is that right? Okay.
Look, sometimes the reason whirlwind romances are whirlwinds is because the guy needs to act fast and catch you off guard before your instincts start kicking in. Once you start looking closely at things, you begin to realize that everything's only good as long as he is calling the shots. This is the kind of guy who needs to be in control. Of you, of the relationship, of everything.
Look what happened here. Once you (or your friends) started questioning or disagreeing with him, his true colors came out. His temper lashes out, and immediately he throws you right off of that pedestal he had placed you on, where you were Cinderella to his Prince Charming. All of the sudden he is calling you names and making ugly insinuations about your morals from years before you two even met each other.
Which is crazy, obviously. And he knows that. So he wants to rewind to before that fight, because he screwed up and showed you the ugly part of him he was trying to cover up. The part he didn't want you to see until he had enough control over you that you would take it for granted he was right when he told you it was your fault. Because believe me, after a while? Everything would be your fault.
You, showing good judgment, thought you should both be open and honest moving going forward. But he can't have that! Because he's let his mask slip too far. Now he will not have the upper hand any more!
So he had to break up with you.
Don't worry. You haven't found your Prince Charming yet. This guy was just another frog.
There's your closure! ;)
posted by misha at 7:00 PM on September 17, 2013
I dated this guy. Your post is ridiculously uncanny, and if you said he was 10 years older, I'd be convinced you were writing about the ex. Ugh.
1. It's him, not you.
2. Yes, he is a narcissist, sociopath, asshole, etc. You called it.
3. Part of the reason you are having such a hard time working through this is because he manipulated you. You've been in the midst of a complete head trip for 7 months; part of this is you needing to get reacquainted with you, and to rediscover who you really are (as opposed to the distorted image he kept mirroring to you). Be nice to yourself. Maybe take yourself out on a date?
4. This is a biggie: he may very well try to wend himself back into your life when he [isn't getting the attention he wants/isn't getting laid/is bored]. No contact. Seriously - anything you might say just gives him another opportunity to manipulate you. This is THE situation that the "no contact" rule is 100% made for.
5. Read The Gift of Fear, mentioned above. Or go chat with a therapist. There is a lot that can be learned from this situation.
6. It's not you. It's definitely, definitely him.
posted by sock puppet of mystery! at 7:45 PM on September 17, 2013 [5 favorites]
1. It's him, not you.
2. Yes, he is a narcissist, sociopath, asshole, etc. You called it.
3. Part of the reason you are having such a hard time working through this is because he manipulated you. You've been in the midst of a complete head trip for 7 months; part of this is you needing to get reacquainted with you, and to rediscover who you really are (as opposed to the distorted image he kept mirroring to you). Be nice to yourself. Maybe take yourself out on a date?
4. This is a biggie: he may very well try to wend himself back into your life when he [isn't getting the attention he wants/isn't getting laid/is bored]. No contact. Seriously - anything you might say just gives him another opportunity to manipulate you. This is THE situation that the "no contact" rule is 100% made for.
5. Read The Gift of Fear, mentioned above. Or go chat with a therapist. There is a lot that can be learned from this situation.
6. It's not you. It's definitely, definitely him.
posted by sock puppet of mystery! at 7:45 PM on September 17, 2013 [5 favorites]
So many wonderful, on point responses and all I can really add is that while reading this, the first word that came to mind is "TOXIC." By all accounts, you sound like a lovely person and he sounds like someone who is...not so much, especially when you get to know him. As seductive as charisma and charm can be, when coupled with burning so bright, so fast for someone, that's a huge red flag. It's not that you aren't worth someone being so smitten so quickly with you (you most certainly are from the sounds of it), but when it is quickly followed by so much drama and magical, irrational thinking of the entirely negative and blaming the other person variety, then it truly is the other person and not you. As much passion, excitement, and even momentary joy this person might bring into your life, he will also bring a lot of pain, manipulation, and self-doubt.
It's going to take some time to get over him, especially if you can easily recall the good, fun, fabulous moments. Just keep reminding yourself you deserve so many awesome things including love, joy, and laughter and you don't need to have such negativity, drama, and awfulness weighing you down. It will take time, probably more than you would like, but anyone who makes you feel like you are "not good enough for him" or that you are challenging to love or be with in some way is a total asshat. At the end of the day, relationships should lift you up, make you feel safe, appreciated, and most importantly loved, even on your most difficult days as an individual and as a couple. If someone ever makes you doubt your value as a person or whether you are worth his love or time, even when you disagree, then that person is most likely not for you. I know that's easy to read/hear and harder to feel, but just keep reminding yourself of that and with time, you will genuinely feel that way and can be open to something better and healthier. Good luck!
posted by katemcd at 10:20 PM on September 17, 2013 [2 favorites]
It's going to take some time to get over him, especially if you can easily recall the good, fun, fabulous moments. Just keep reminding yourself you deserve so many awesome things including love, joy, and laughter and you don't need to have such negativity, drama, and awfulness weighing you down. It will take time, probably more than you would like, but anyone who makes you feel like you are "not good enough for him" or that you are challenging to love or be with in some way is a total asshat. At the end of the day, relationships should lift you up, make you feel safe, appreciated, and most importantly loved, even on your most difficult days as an individual and as a couple. If someone ever makes you doubt your value as a person or whether you are worth his love or time, even when you disagree, then that person is most likely not for you. I know that's easy to read/hear and harder to feel, but just keep reminding yourself of that and with time, you will genuinely feel that way and can be open to something better and healthier. Good luck!
posted by katemcd at 10:20 PM on September 17, 2013 [2 favorites]
Some of the advice here is really right on. The problem is very much that guy and not you. He sounds like somebody who consistently has relationship shelf lives of about 7 months. He idealized you without getting to know you, and then when he did get to know you and realized that you didn't meet this completely unrealistic picture in his head, he bolted. I'd guess that his other relationships went a lot like this one.
It really doesn't sound like you contributed anything to this:
* I do know I am a good person who can offer the right person, if they are willing to accept me good and bad
* I don't judge people based on their past because the past is who makes you who you are today.
* I never judged him... I just listened to him and got to know him better.
* I took him out for a dinner and night into town
That's all exactly right. There isn't any basis for you thinking you're not good enough, because you did things right, and he didn't. In fact, it's the opposite of what you're thinking. He's clearly not god enough for you.
On that note, his latching on too soon, projecting his wants on to you, snooping in your stuff, yelling at/insulting your friend and splitting on you is really immature and not a fitting partner for someone who sounds pretty level-headed and together.
The last thing I'd say is that there tends to be a pretty extreme view of what went on in these kinds of threads. I see words like "borderline personality," "sociopath," "asshole", "abusive" and so on. There were definite red flags in his behavior, and sometimes it helps create distance to just say "that guy is a dick."
However, I think some of that crosses into demonization, which isn't helpful. More realistically, this guy has some issues to work out and conducted the relationship in an immature way. There are some lessons here for you in screening people and moving too fast. At the end of the day, he's really not right for you and I'm quite sure you'll be much better off without him and eventually, when you're ready, with someone a lot more level headed, like you.
posted by cnc at 5:20 PM on September 18, 2013
It really doesn't sound like you contributed anything to this:
* I do know I am a good person who can offer the right person, if they are willing to accept me good and bad
* I don't judge people based on their past because the past is who makes you who you are today.
* I never judged him... I just listened to him and got to know him better.
* I took him out for a dinner and night into town
That's all exactly right. There isn't any basis for you thinking you're not good enough, because you did things right, and he didn't. In fact, it's the opposite of what you're thinking. He's clearly not god enough for you.
On that note, his latching on too soon, projecting his wants on to you, snooping in your stuff, yelling at/insulting your friend and splitting on you is really immature and not a fitting partner for someone who sounds pretty level-headed and together.
The last thing I'd say is that there tends to be a pretty extreme view of what went on in these kinds of threads. I see words like "borderline personality," "sociopath," "asshole", "abusive" and so on. There were definite red flags in his behavior, and sometimes it helps create distance to just say "that guy is a dick."
However, I think some of that crosses into demonization, which isn't helpful. More realistically, this guy has some issues to work out and conducted the relationship in an immature way. There are some lessons here for you in screening people and moving too fast. At the end of the day, he's really not right for you and I'm quite sure you'll be much better off without him and eventually, when you're ready, with someone a lot more level headed, like you.
posted by cnc at 5:20 PM on September 18, 2013
God these cretins are everywhere... so enticing 'perfect' (to hook you in) .. then so brutally devastating. The best info to date on the net about all this is Sandra Brown's www.saferelationships.com / Institute of Relational Harm Reduction and the Aftermath Surviving Psychopathy site. There is also Aftermath Surviving Psychopathy radio (though tricky trying to access the programs right now). Both these sites are regulated by the crem de la crem experts in the field. Beware of 'lay' sites - though some are excellent, some are themselves run by self publicists and narcs or psychopaths.
I am sorry you have had this profoundly wounding experience, give yourself ample (probably single) time to heal. This may need some kind of therapy to look at what early (sometimes unconscious) wounds, for you, were bought to the surface by this.
posted by tanktop at 3:57 PM on October 30, 2013 [1 favorite]
I am sorry you have had this profoundly wounding experience, give yourself ample (probably single) time to heal. This may need some kind of therapy to look at what early (sometimes unconscious) wounds, for you, were bought to the surface by this.
posted by tanktop at 3:57 PM on October 30, 2013 [1 favorite]
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posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 10:46 AM on September 17, 2013 [2 favorites]