I need tips for surviving a really hard breakup. With children.
September 13, 2013 6:32 PM Subscribe
Summary: I still love my children's father. We had a lot of problems in the four years we were together, but the last year or so I truly thought everything was getting better and we were happy. Then he suddenly broke up with me. And last night, he pocket-dialed me from a new girlfriend's house where I got to hear all the gushy giggly happy voices that used to be mine, as well as some x-rated stuff I am now trying to burn out of my memory. How am I supposed to cope with this? The only way I've ever gotten over an ex is to go no-contact, and rid my home/environment/live of everything that could possibly remind me of them; but, we have two small children together. I am going to have to look at his face three times a week for the next eighteen years, let alone the daily reminder of the children themselves, and I don't know how I'm going to cope. I'm in a horrible mental place right now and have no resources. Please help me.
Longer version: My children's father is 28, I'm 30. He has a history of abuse and drug use, which I didn't know about when I met him, and our first couple years together were very rough. However, we went to a couple counselors and he went to a psychiatrist, and as of early last year, he had finally got on a collection of meds (mood stabilizers and antidepressants) that seemed to be working well for him; we were communicating better, our sex life was better, and I had genuine hope for our relationship and our little growing family. He bought me an engagement ring. He was a deeply involved and loving father who put our kids to bed every night, bathed them, cooked dinner several nights a week and was at my side being wonderfully encouraging and loving throughout my labor and birth of my son last fall.
Around the beginning of this year things took a massive down turn. Stress from his work, stress from a new baby, and financial problems had both of us at our worst; I was exhausted, irritable and demanding, and he started to withdraw again into computer games and secretly spending too much money on junk food and various odds and ends we couldn't afford with our strained budget. At one point he decided he "didn't need" one of his meds and quit taking it without telling me... when I found out (because he was suddenly angry and losing his temper constantly and I confronted him on it) we had a large argument, in which I told him if he couldn't keep his temper in check and resolve his issues on his own, either by taking his meds responsibly or coming up with better coping mechanisms and sticking to them, he needed to take his drama elsewhere. He packed up an overnight bag and went to his mom's house.
He ended up staying there for a week. My two year old, who was a complete Daddy's girl, had 3 hour hysterical sobbing fits every night at bedtime shrieking for dada; he didn't answer his phone and didn't check in. At the end of the week, he messaged me and said he wanted to come home. I said I wanted him to, but we needed to talk first. He then lashed out passive-aggressively and said he didn't want to come home after all. He moved all his stuff out of the house to live with his mother. At one point, in May, we tried to get back together; we started going to an excellent therapist together, who challenged both of us (him on his lying, issue avoidance, and temper, me on my judgmental attitude and unwillingness to back down from an argument without reaching a complete conclusion). We went to the therapist twice, spent a wonderful intimate weekend together during which we both seemed more comfortable and open with each other than we ever had before - and then two days later, out of the blue and without warning, he announced he was done. He didn't want to go to counseling, he didn't want to talk to me, he didn't want a relationship whatsoever. He was over it. My bewildered pleas of "what the heck was last weekend? what about what we just said in counseling?!" were met with stonewalling "I don't want to talk to you" and "stop violating my boundaries of not wanting to talk to you." Ultimately he framed me as the crazy psycho ex girlfriend who won't let it go, and I was left completely stunned, unemployed in (what used to be) our mutual apartment, broke and alone with two children aged two and under. Every weekend he would take my daughter for one day - the baby he refused to see because he was still breastfeeding and he said it was "too nerve wracking" for him to visit him at my home or pick him up for just a few hours. I still have no idea what caused him to suddenly change his mind and do a 180. Perhaps he was torn between making it work and giving up, and suddenly decided that he didn't really want it. I don't know.
Now. Fast forward a few months. I found a job, we went to court, he has a child support order that he resents bitterly because he thinks it too high and likes to say thinks like how I hate his guts, and am a bitter and mean hearted person who only wants to bleed him dry from spite, etc etc. Every time he says something like this it completely knocks me breathless because if there's one thing he never was, it was cruel - his temper was more along the lines of being sulky and petulant and irritable; and ever since he left, while yes - I am obviously bitter and furious and brokenhearted - I have done my God-honest best to be the "bigger person" and stay a good parent and be civil with him for the kids even when I feel like screaming and crying. I truly still love him, and I truly can't understand how after four years of my being a completely devoted, involved, affectionate girlfriend who would do anything for him and has always held myself to the highest of ethical standards, he can possibly accuse me of being a bad person. I feel like it must just be him trying to justify his decision for himself so that he feels ok with leaving... but either way, it's insanely hurtful, on top of the leaving itself. Anyway.
Last night he butt-dialed (?) me apparently from a new girlfriend's house. He had told me he wasn't seeing anyone, a couple months ago when we talked about it, and that he had no intent to. I'm not sure I believed it, but the denial was a slight comfort. Now that I know without a doubt that he's dating - and sleeping with this girl - I truly feel like I'm losing my mind. I spend most of the night sobbing and dry-heaving and reeling, and yes, sending the crazy-ex-girlfriend stream of embarrassing text messages. In the cold light of morning-after-meltdown, I have a throbbing headache and feel completely numb, and my kids are with him for the weekend (the baby will be gone overnight for the first time EVER), and I am in absolutely no mental state to be sitting alone in a house - the one friend I talked to said "get some wine and watch movies" but I don't feel like any movie is appealing right now and I'm afraid wine might cause me to do something ridiculous again. So I'm turning to you guys. What do you do when you still love someone, but you need to get yourself out of it, and you can't go 100% "no contact" because they are STUCK IN YOUR LIFE pretty much forever by virtue of your mutual offspring? What are some strategies I can use to get myself through the day, to keep myself from breaking down in tears at work (my job is stressful and high pressure, no downtime) and to deal with constantly being pulled in a million directions and exhausted? What can I tell myself about the future besides "I am going to have to think about this person every day for years and years, and somehow come to terms with the fact that I will never have the happy little family life I got so attached to this past year or so"? Right now I seriously feel like burning everything in my apartment, because we picked out all the furniture and decor at thrift shops and craigslist and goodwill last summer and decorated together and it all reminds me of him. I don't want to spend the next 6 months crying like I have the last 6. I tried online dating for a couple months, and made it as far as kissing one guy before I wanted to puke because I still missed my ex. I gave up. I'm not ready. Obviously, he is. Help me out guys.
Oh, and I know I should probably go to therapy, but until the support order starts actually coming through I'm really broke, and my insurance coverage doesn't start until November. So if anyone knows any low-cost or single-mom options in Phoenix, Arizona, that would be great as well.
Longer version: My children's father is 28, I'm 30. He has a history of abuse and drug use, which I didn't know about when I met him, and our first couple years together were very rough. However, we went to a couple counselors and he went to a psychiatrist, and as of early last year, he had finally got on a collection of meds (mood stabilizers and antidepressants) that seemed to be working well for him; we were communicating better, our sex life was better, and I had genuine hope for our relationship and our little growing family. He bought me an engagement ring. He was a deeply involved and loving father who put our kids to bed every night, bathed them, cooked dinner several nights a week and was at my side being wonderfully encouraging and loving throughout my labor and birth of my son last fall.
Around the beginning of this year things took a massive down turn. Stress from his work, stress from a new baby, and financial problems had both of us at our worst; I was exhausted, irritable and demanding, and he started to withdraw again into computer games and secretly spending too much money on junk food and various odds and ends we couldn't afford with our strained budget. At one point he decided he "didn't need" one of his meds and quit taking it without telling me... when I found out (because he was suddenly angry and losing his temper constantly and I confronted him on it) we had a large argument, in which I told him if he couldn't keep his temper in check and resolve his issues on his own, either by taking his meds responsibly or coming up with better coping mechanisms and sticking to them, he needed to take his drama elsewhere. He packed up an overnight bag and went to his mom's house.
He ended up staying there for a week. My two year old, who was a complete Daddy's girl, had 3 hour hysterical sobbing fits every night at bedtime shrieking for dada; he didn't answer his phone and didn't check in. At the end of the week, he messaged me and said he wanted to come home. I said I wanted him to, but we needed to talk first. He then lashed out passive-aggressively and said he didn't want to come home after all. He moved all his stuff out of the house to live with his mother. At one point, in May, we tried to get back together; we started going to an excellent therapist together, who challenged both of us (him on his lying, issue avoidance, and temper, me on my judgmental attitude and unwillingness to back down from an argument without reaching a complete conclusion). We went to the therapist twice, spent a wonderful intimate weekend together during which we both seemed more comfortable and open with each other than we ever had before - and then two days later, out of the blue and without warning, he announced he was done. He didn't want to go to counseling, he didn't want to talk to me, he didn't want a relationship whatsoever. He was over it. My bewildered pleas of "what the heck was last weekend? what about what we just said in counseling?!" were met with stonewalling "I don't want to talk to you" and "stop violating my boundaries of not wanting to talk to you." Ultimately he framed me as the crazy psycho ex girlfriend who won't let it go, and I was left completely stunned, unemployed in (what used to be) our mutual apartment, broke and alone with two children aged two and under. Every weekend he would take my daughter for one day - the baby he refused to see because he was still breastfeeding and he said it was "too nerve wracking" for him to visit him at my home or pick him up for just a few hours. I still have no idea what caused him to suddenly change his mind and do a 180. Perhaps he was torn between making it work and giving up, and suddenly decided that he didn't really want it. I don't know.
Now. Fast forward a few months. I found a job, we went to court, he has a child support order that he resents bitterly because he thinks it too high and likes to say thinks like how I hate his guts, and am a bitter and mean hearted person who only wants to bleed him dry from spite, etc etc. Every time he says something like this it completely knocks me breathless because if there's one thing he never was, it was cruel - his temper was more along the lines of being sulky and petulant and irritable; and ever since he left, while yes - I am obviously bitter and furious and brokenhearted - I have done my God-honest best to be the "bigger person" and stay a good parent and be civil with him for the kids even when I feel like screaming and crying. I truly still love him, and I truly can't understand how after four years of my being a completely devoted, involved, affectionate girlfriend who would do anything for him and has always held myself to the highest of ethical standards, he can possibly accuse me of being a bad person. I feel like it must just be him trying to justify his decision for himself so that he feels ok with leaving... but either way, it's insanely hurtful, on top of the leaving itself. Anyway.
Last night he butt-dialed (?) me apparently from a new girlfriend's house. He had told me he wasn't seeing anyone, a couple months ago when we talked about it, and that he had no intent to. I'm not sure I believed it, but the denial was a slight comfort. Now that I know without a doubt that he's dating - and sleeping with this girl - I truly feel like I'm losing my mind. I spend most of the night sobbing and dry-heaving and reeling, and yes, sending the crazy-ex-girlfriend stream of embarrassing text messages. In the cold light of morning-after-meltdown, I have a throbbing headache and feel completely numb, and my kids are with him for the weekend (the baby will be gone overnight for the first time EVER), and I am in absolutely no mental state to be sitting alone in a house - the one friend I talked to said "get some wine and watch movies" but I don't feel like any movie is appealing right now and I'm afraid wine might cause me to do something ridiculous again. So I'm turning to you guys. What do you do when you still love someone, but you need to get yourself out of it, and you can't go 100% "no contact" because they are STUCK IN YOUR LIFE pretty much forever by virtue of your mutual offspring? What are some strategies I can use to get myself through the day, to keep myself from breaking down in tears at work (my job is stressful and high pressure, no downtime) and to deal with constantly being pulled in a million directions and exhausted? What can I tell myself about the future besides "I am going to have to think about this person every day for years and years, and somehow come to terms with the fact that I will never have the happy little family life I got so attached to this past year or so"? Right now I seriously feel like burning everything in my apartment, because we picked out all the furniture and decor at thrift shops and craigslist and goodwill last summer and decorated together and it all reminds me of him. I don't want to spend the next 6 months crying like I have the last 6. I tried online dating for a couple months, and made it as far as kissing one guy before I wanted to puke because I still missed my ex. I gave up. I'm not ready. Obviously, he is. Help me out guys.
Oh, and I know I should probably go to therapy, but until the support order starts actually coming through I'm really broke, and my insurance coverage doesn't start until November. So if anyone knows any low-cost or single-mom options in Phoenix, Arizona, that would be great as well.
I am so sorry you are going through this. I can't even imagine how hard it must be.
A quick Google search brought up the Phoenix Fresh Start Women's Foundation. They seem to have a lot of different things that might help.
I'm note sure how to do a link here but here goes http://phoenix.wehelpwomen.com/default
You will get through this, just one bit at a time. All you have to get through is the next minute. Know that you are precious, and deserve better than this.
posted by antiquated at 6:56 PM on September 13, 2013 [4 favorites]
A quick Google search brought up the Phoenix Fresh Start Women's Foundation. They seem to have a lot of different things that might help.
I'm note sure how to do a link here but here goes http://phoenix.wehelpwomen.com/default
You will get through this, just one bit at a time. All you have to get through is the next minute. Know that you are precious, and deserve better than this.
posted by antiquated at 6:56 PM on September 13, 2013 [4 favorites]
University of Phoenix Counseling Center might be a good resource for therapy; this article indicates their therapy services are free.
Your ex sounds irresponsible and not mentally stable. The timing of the break-up sounds like he got pissed off when the therapist held him accountable for his behavior.
Is there someone who can come over to be with you this evening?
posted by jaguar at 6:58 PM on September 13, 2013 [4 favorites]
Your ex sounds irresponsible and not mentally stable. The timing of the break-up sounds like he got pissed off when the therapist held him accountable for his behavior.
Is there someone who can come over to be with you this evening?
posted by jaguar at 6:58 PM on September 13, 2013 [4 favorites]
Also -- somehow come to terms with the fact that I will never have the happy little family life I got so attached to this past year or so"?
It sounds like a portion of what you are grieving is not HIM but having a happy stable family life. Like not only is he gone but the chance of you having that is up in smoke. I think once you get your feet under you more, and you slowly build that for yourself, you won't need to grieve that anymore because you will have it. That will take away part of your burden.
To be perfectly honest, he doesn't sound like he had that in him to give, anyway. He was able to keep it up for, what, less than a year? It's easy to build a lot of hope on potential and hard to give up on hope when it feels like a lot was riding on it. It's hard but you can replace it gradually with other things.
About the furnishings, if there's anything you don't need-need - like decorations, knick-knacks, etc, I'd say go ahead and get rid of it.
posted by cairdeas at 7:02 PM on September 13, 2013 [13 favorites]
It sounds like a portion of what you are grieving is not HIM but having a happy stable family life. Like not only is he gone but the chance of you having that is up in smoke. I think once you get your feet under you more, and you slowly build that for yourself, you won't need to grieve that anymore because you will have it. That will take away part of your burden.
To be perfectly honest, he doesn't sound like he had that in him to give, anyway. He was able to keep it up for, what, less than a year? It's easy to build a lot of hope on potential and hard to give up on hope when it feels like a lot was riding on it. It's hard but you can replace it gradually with other things.
About the furnishings, if there's anything you don't need-need - like decorations, knick-knacks, etc, I'd say go ahead and get rid of it.
posted by cairdeas at 7:02 PM on September 13, 2013 [13 favorites]
You can also call a crisis line if you just need to talk. You don't need to be actively suicidal. It's better if someone in a crisis reaches out to talk before getting to an extreme point.
posted by cairdeas at 7:03 PM on September 13, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by cairdeas at 7:03 PM on September 13, 2013 [4 favorites]
I'm so sorry for your situation. My very best to you and your children.
Again, I'm going to make a comment suggesting this book, even though -- in fact, because -- you described your ex as incredibly caring and devoted in the past. Maybe you'll find it pertinent and maybe you won't, but it explains very much about partners who are sincerely in love one day, and cold the next.
posted by Countess Elena at 7:04 PM on September 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
Again, I'm going to make a comment suggesting this book, even though -- in fact, because -- you described your ex as incredibly caring and devoted in the past. Maybe you'll find it pertinent and maybe you won't, but it explains very much about partners who are sincerely in love one day, and cold the next.
posted by Countess Elena at 7:04 PM on September 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
Last thought: it might help if YOU break up with HIM in your own mind. Like instead of this position where he broke up with you and you still have these dreams of being happy together, and maybe he will change his mind if you are perfect enough, YOU end it in your own mind. You decide this is no longer something you want. Put it away and start on new hopes.
posted by cairdeas at 7:07 PM on September 13, 2013 [20 favorites]
posted by cairdeas at 7:07 PM on September 13, 2013 [20 favorites]
I'm so sorry about this. The Fresh Start Foundation Women's Center is an EXCELLENT resource. They have childcare, therapists on staff, and $5 yoga classes, among a host of other of programs and really cheap classes. They also have attorneys. I would call them tomorrow.
posted by nubianinthedesert at 7:18 PM on September 13, 2013 [7 favorites]
posted by nubianinthedesert at 7:18 PM on September 13, 2013 [7 favorites]
I'm sorry you are going through this. I think one of the best things you can do right now is focus on kids and work in that order. Feeling like you are a good mom and employee will help you feel more confident. You still have a chance to have a happy family, just maybe not with him. If you need to talk, google seven cups of tea. I talked to them once and they just listened to me complain about something.
As bad as you feel right now, remind yourself that it's just a feeling and feelings are temporary. You'll get through this. Good luck!
posted by kat518 at 7:41 PM on September 13, 2013 [2 favorites]
As bad as you feel right now, remind yourself that it's just a feeling and feelings are temporary. You'll get through this. Good luck!
posted by kat518 at 7:41 PM on September 13, 2013 [2 favorites]
I'm sorry you are going through this. The good news is you are going to be a stable influence for these children. You are going to get through this, have a good life, and then understand that all the name calling he is doing re paying child support is just him being a whiny baby. (My daughter's ex has done similar and all it means is they resent having to pay money while forgetting that this is their obligation to their CHILDREN which is a NONNEGOTIABLE.)
I bet in a year you will look back and marvel that you even cared one whit what this guy did. You are better off without him.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 7:50 PM on September 13, 2013 [2 favorites]
I bet in a year you will look back and marvel that you even cared one whit what this guy did. You are better off without him.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 7:50 PM on September 13, 2013 [2 favorites]
I am so, so sorry you're going through this. What a heartbreaking, crazymaking situation.
Your question is about how to cope. This book has a really, really excellent approach to dealing with extremely painful situations. Essentially, it's a way to self-soothe, to calm yourself out of freaking out about things that really push your buttons--and it's grounded in reflecting on the fact that you are complete and whole and worthwhile in your own regard, no matter what anyone does to you. I can't find a recap online and it's too long to summarize, so I would encourage you to get your hands on a copy as soon as you can.
Gosh, I wish I could give you a hug through the Internet. I'm so, so sorry.
posted by Sublimity at 7:58 PM on September 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
Your question is about how to cope. This book has a really, really excellent approach to dealing with extremely painful situations. Essentially, it's a way to self-soothe, to calm yourself out of freaking out about things that really push your buttons--and it's grounded in reflecting on the fact that you are complete and whole and worthwhile in your own regard, no matter what anyone does to you. I can't find a recap online and it's too long to summarize, so I would encourage you to get your hands on a copy as soon as you can.
Gosh, I wish I could give you a hug through the Internet. I'm so, so sorry.
posted by Sublimity at 7:58 PM on September 13, 2013 [1 favorite]
First, you have a bitter ex-boyfriend who feels wronged and has developed a penchant for cruelty. And his phone just happened to pocket dial you right as he and his girlfriend were getting giggly and sexy, right? I'm sure he in no way meant for that to happen.
Second, given the abrupt change in personality it is quite likely he is using and/or totally off his meds.
Why do you need him to have a happy family life? Would you really want this guy to be your kids' main male influence anyway? The future you envisioned is one that never existed. Instead of regretting not having him in your life, perhaps spin it around and think about how thankful you are that you never got married and you're now free to find a good partner who gives you the respect and love you deserve.
posted by Anonymous at 8:19 PM on September 13, 2013
Second, given the abrupt change in personality it is quite likely he is using and/or totally off his meds.
Why do you need him to have a happy family life? Would you really want this guy to be your kids' main male influence anyway? The future you envisioned is one that never existed. Instead of regretting not having him in your life, perhaps spin it around and think about how thankful you are that you never got married and you're now free to find a good partner who gives you the respect and love you deserve.
posted by Anonymous at 8:19 PM on September 13, 2013
I'm really sorry too. I think you should definitely give one of the places above a call.
Since I have nothing else to offer by way of help, I suggest that you just focus on the fact that it's very clear, from your writing, that despite whatever glimmers of goodness are in him he is simply not a candidate for having a long-term, stable relationship with, and the best you can hope for is probably an amicable father relationship for your kids. That is not your fault, that is all about him. You tried, and it did not work, not because of you, but because of him. You never had control over this, so don't feel like you've suddenly lost control. His problems predated you. Even if there is a new girlfriend, she is not a person to envy because she is likely in a naive and hopeful place with him, which you have good reason to expect will ultimately be disappointing.
You will find a lot more happiness than this in life. Try to count yourself lucky that you had the courage to set a boundary and not let things get much,much worse for you and your kids. I'm very sorry you have someone like this to deal with, but I think that with support and counseling through one of the services above - and also for whatever you can line up for November when your insurance kicks in -you will be able to do very well. See if you can make an appointment now for November. Sometimes just knowing you have that lifeline in the future - and it's only 6 weeks or so - can really help deal with the day to day.
posted by Miko at 8:20 PM on September 13, 2013 [17 favorites]
Since I have nothing else to offer by way of help, I suggest that you just focus on the fact that it's very clear, from your writing, that despite whatever glimmers of goodness are in him he is simply not a candidate for having a long-term, stable relationship with, and the best you can hope for is probably an amicable father relationship for your kids. That is not your fault, that is all about him. You tried, and it did not work, not because of you, but because of him. You never had control over this, so don't feel like you've suddenly lost control. His problems predated you. Even if there is a new girlfriend, she is not a person to envy because she is likely in a naive and hopeful place with him, which you have good reason to expect will ultimately be disappointing.
You will find a lot more happiness than this in life. Try to count yourself lucky that you had the courage to set a boundary and not let things get much,much worse for you and your kids. I'm very sorry you have someone like this to deal with, but I think that with support and counseling through one of the services above - and also for whatever you can line up for November when your insurance kicks in -you will be able to do very well. See if you can make an appointment now for November. Sometimes just knowing you have that lifeline in the future - and it's only 6 weeks or so - can really help deal with the day to day.
posted by Miko at 8:20 PM on September 13, 2013 [17 favorites]
Call your former couples counselor and ask if s/he can refer you to a colleague who would agree to bill you later, take a sliding scale fee for now, or otherwise accommodate your temporary financial issues. If you trusted that counselor and felt understood there, s/he will likely be able to help you figure out what type of therapy would help you or what provider to recommend, and a direct referral like that would probably encourage the new therapist to work with you until your finances improve.
So that's what I'd do. Because it's very clear that right now, you need someone to talk to and vent to and confess all of your "bad" feelings to about your husband and your kids and your life. You need someone who is just yours and just on your side. Please, get that for yourself.
posted by decathecting at 8:42 PM on September 13, 2013 [5 favorites]
So that's what I'd do. Because it's very clear that right now, you need someone to talk to and vent to and confess all of your "bad" feelings to about your husband and your kids and your life. You need someone who is just yours and just on your side. Please, get that for yourself.
posted by decathecting at 8:42 PM on September 13, 2013 [5 favorites]
I am sorry that this guy is such a jerk.
Will you get through this? Hell yes. Will you get through as quickly as you want to? Probably not. So, how do you get through this? You take one step at a time and one day at a time. You prioritize the logistics that need to be taken care of, care of your children who are so, so young, and your mental well being. You enlist resources to do all of this. Write lists of everything you need to do. Keep your self busy even if you need to clean the bathroom a couple of times a day! (Sorry, can't find the link for bathroom cleaning idea comment on AskMe). While your one friend may not be as supportive as you'd need her to be, take the help, emotional or otherwise, from those who offer it. Help doesn't always come in the form we expect or want so that's important to recognize. Being able to see a therapist will be invaluable to that end. If group support works for you then look into that as well. You may even have to really learn and be aware of what you need before you can find it. This answer may or may not be much of help but that's what I do when I am in such a spot. Above all, I try to remember during my lowest points is that the most important thing at that time is to ride them out and not feed the negativity in your own head. What you have to deal with in the future (face this guy for the next eighteen years etc) is a bridge you cross when you come to it; right now you take care of whats going on right now.
posted by xm at 8:57 PM on September 13, 2013
Will you get through this? Hell yes. Will you get through as quickly as you want to? Probably not. So, how do you get through this? You take one step at a time and one day at a time. You prioritize the logistics that need to be taken care of, care of your children who are so, so young, and your mental well being. You enlist resources to do all of this. Write lists of everything you need to do. Keep your self busy even if you need to clean the bathroom a couple of times a day! (Sorry, can't find the link for bathroom cleaning idea comment on AskMe). While your one friend may not be as supportive as you'd need her to be, take the help, emotional or otherwise, from those who offer it. Help doesn't always come in the form we expect or want so that's important to recognize. Being able to see a therapist will be invaluable to that end. If group support works for you then look into that as well. You may even have to really learn and be aware of what you need before you can find it. This answer may or may not be much of help but that's what I do when I am in such a spot. Above all, I try to remember during my lowest points is that the most important thing at that time is to ride them out and not feed the negativity in your own head. What you have to deal with in the future (face this guy for the next eighteen years etc) is a bridge you cross when you come to it; right now you take care of whats going on right now.
posted by xm at 8:57 PM on September 13, 2013
One day, not super soon but not endlessly far into the future either, you're going to stop caring about him and what he does. I know that's hard to believe now, and I know that it really, REALLY hurts. I think this is one of those situations where you are just going to have to feel the pain until it ends, but it WILL end
I don't know that this actually happens. My son turned 18 a few months ago, and I'm still getting letters and dealing with fallout from her behavior. I'm moving to another state in part to get away from all of that.
My advice to the OP :
He had told me he wasn't seeing anyone, a couple months ago when we talked about it, and that he had no intent to. I'm not sure I believed it, but the denial was a slight comfort. Now that I know without a doubt that he's dating - and sleeping with this girl - I truly feel like I'm losing my mind
He probably meant this and was honest about this. Months ago. Things change. I was never gonna get married and now it's been 6 years. I was never gonna have kids and he's 18 and change now. I was never gonna buy a new car and I have two car payments in the driveway.
Point is, did you really believe that he was never gonna be with anyone else forever and ever amen ? Then... that's kinda stupid. I'm not trying to be mean.
Anyway - I'm not convinced that there is any foolproof way to be forever over someone like that. He knew how to get under your skin and push your buttons and he'll continue to do just that for a very long time.
But look, I made it through and survived. You can, too. Keep your chin up. MeMail me if you need to. But whatever you do, never, ever fail to be the better human. You need to be an example to your child of how to handle a difficult situation with grace and dignity. That lesson was the best gift I ever gave my son and it has already served him well.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 9:06 PM on September 13, 2013 [3 favorites]
I don't know that this actually happens. My son turned 18 a few months ago, and I'm still getting letters and dealing with fallout from her behavior. I'm moving to another state in part to get away from all of that.
My advice to the OP :
He had told me he wasn't seeing anyone, a couple months ago when we talked about it, and that he had no intent to. I'm not sure I believed it, but the denial was a slight comfort. Now that I know without a doubt that he's dating - and sleeping with this girl - I truly feel like I'm losing my mind
He probably meant this and was honest about this. Months ago. Things change. I was never gonna get married and now it's been 6 years. I was never gonna have kids and he's 18 and change now. I was never gonna buy a new car and I have two car payments in the driveway.
Point is, did you really believe that he was never gonna be with anyone else forever and ever amen ? Then... that's kinda stupid. I'm not trying to be mean.
Anyway - I'm not convinced that there is any foolproof way to be forever over someone like that. He knew how to get under your skin and push your buttons and he'll continue to do just that for a very long time.
But look, I made it through and survived. You can, too. Keep your chin up. MeMail me if you need to. But whatever you do, never, ever fail to be the better human. You need to be an example to your child of how to handle a difficult situation with grace and dignity. That lesson was the best gift I ever gave my son and it has already served him well.
posted by Pogo_Fuzzybutt at 9:06 PM on September 13, 2013 [3 favorites]
I think you can get over this quickly by getting familiar and comfortable with Reality.
This guy was pretty awful and not cut out to be a partner OR a father. You were fantasizing. It's OK. We all do it. Next time you'll be wiser.
My advice to you is to get a therapist and discuss Reality there. Otherwise, you act like there's nothing wrong because it is Bad Juju to bad mouth your children's father. But in the privacy of a therapists office? Yeah, you desperately need to debrief this experience and process your emotions as you accept that this guy is 100% not who you thought he was.
I'm sorry for your pain. Please do reach out and find resources to help you through this.
Good luck.
posted by jbenben at 9:18 PM on September 13, 2013 [8 favorites]
This guy was pretty awful and not cut out to be a partner OR a father. You were fantasizing. It's OK. We all do it. Next time you'll be wiser.
My advice to you is to get a therapist and discuss Reality there. Otherwise, you act like there's nothing wrong because it is Bad Juju to bad mouth your children's father. But in the privacy of a therapists office? Yeah, you desperately need to debrief this experience and process your emotions as you accept that this guy is 100% not who you thought he was.
I'm sorry for your pain. Please do reach out and find resources to help you through this.
Good luck.
posted by jbenben at 9:18 PM on September 13, 2013 [8 favorites]
One last thing...
NEVER EVER EVER EVER WRITE ANYTHING YOU WOULD NOT WANT A JUDGE IN COURT TO READ.
I'm referring to text messages and emails. But do keep in mind that your ex (and you) can use your smart phone to record every conversation. So maybe don't say anything you wouldn't want a judge to hear, too?
Yes. I think it is good policy for you to be very careful from here on out.
Frankly. I think your ex is manipulative and he has an agenda on some level. I think you need to depersonalize this whole situation ASAP.
The sooner you are immune to his button pushing, the better for you and your children.
Don't beat yourself up over your reaction last night! Just next time he pulls something, see through it and don't get upset, don't take the bait.
Best to you.
posted by jbenben at 9:26 PM on September 13, 2013 [15 favorites]
NEVER EVER EVER EVER WRITE ANYTHING YOU WOULD NOT WANT A JUDGE IN COURT TO READ.
I'm referring to text messages and emails. But do keep in mind that your ex (and you) can use your smart phone to record every conversation. So maybe don't say anything you wouldn't want a judge to hear, too?
Yes. I think it is good policy for you to be very careful from here on out.
Frankly. I think your ex is manipulative and he has an agenda on some level. I think you need to depersonalize this whole situation ASAP.
The sooner you are immune to his button pushing, the better for you and your children.
Don't beat yourself up over your reaction last night! Just next time he pulls something, see through it and don't get upset, don't take the bait.
Best to you.
posted by jbenben at 9:26 PM on September 13, 2013 [15 favorites]
P.S.
Now that this guy is out of your life, you have the option of having the perfect family with the right partner.
With this guy, the perfect family was never possible.
He's done you a HUGE favor by exiting the relationship. Now, your dreams can come true. Before with him in the picture? No. It was never going to happen.
You are very very fortunate right now. Breathe. Breathe.
posted by jbenben at 9:29 PM on September 13, 2013 [20 favorites]
Now that this guy is out of your life, you have the option of having the perfect family with the right partner.
With this guy, the perfect family was never possible.
He's done you a HUGE favor by exiting the relationship. Now, your dreams can come true. Before with him in the picture? No. It was never going to happen.
You are very very fortunate right now. Breathe. Breathe.
posted by jbenben at 9:29 PM on September 13, 2013 [20 favorites]
I agree this guy sounds really manipulative and he's playing you like a well tuned flute. You list a history with him that makes him sound like a complete jerk and loser and then say you still love him and his disinterest in you is painful. Honestly, I'd pay money to keep a guy like that from showing interest in me.
It's an awful situation to be stuck with someone who hurts you for reasons you can never fully understand (because he has deep seated emotional issues, not because he's "complicated" or "deep") for 18+ years. It will help you to get through it to see him for what he actually is and stop viewing him as a potential life mate within a cozy family group. He can never be that, with anyone. If he marries this new girl I imagine it will only last for as long as it tortures you, seeing as that phone call was probably intentional and he's getting some real kicks out of hurting you.
There are a lot of men out there who would fight to remain a good father and partner. This guy isn't one of them. You and your children deserve better.
posted by Dynex at 10:25 PM on September 13, 2013 [7 favorites]
It's an awful situation to be stuck with someone who hurts you for reasons you can never fully understand (because he has deep seated emotional issues, not because he's "complicated" or "deep") for 18+ years. It will help you to get through it to see him for what he actually is and stop viewing him as a potential life mate within a cozy family group. He can never be that, with anyone. If he marries this new girl I imagine it will only last for as long as it tortures you, seeing as that phone call was probably intentional and he's getting some real kicks out of hurting you.
There are a lot of men out there who would fight to remain a good father and partner. This guy isn't one of them. You and your children deserve better.
posted by Dynex at 10:25 PM on September 13, 2013 [7 favorites]
Also, you might want to read this:
Communicating With A Narcissist: Using The Narc Decoder
(I am not diagnosing him or saying he has NPD, but he's certainly exhibiting some of the behaviours and it would help you to see it for what it is.)
posted by Dynex at 10:31 PM on September 13, 2013 [3 favorites]
Communicating With A Narcissist: Using The Narc Decoder
(I am not diagnosing him or saying he has NPD, but he's certainly exhibiting some of the behaviours and it would help you to see it for what it is.)
posted by Dynex at 10:31 PM on September 13, 2013 [3 favorites]
Nthing be very careful about what you say to your ex and how you say it. Records like that can be used in court in all sorts of ways - including minimising child support payments and changing custody arrangements.
So, regardless of how you're feeling, next time you go to contact keep it impersonal and business-like for your kids' sake. The last thing you need now is to jeopardise their (and your position).
Indeed, I would probably extend my freezing out to your broader relationship with him. You need to keep it together for your kids. Regardless of him bathing the kids etc, your description is not the kind of person I would want raising my children or spending significant time alone with them. They are and should be far more important to you than he is.
Best of luck,
posted by smoke at 11:14 PM on September 13, 2013 [2 favorites]
So, regardless of how you're feeling, next time you go to contact keep it impersonal and business-like for your kids' sake. The last thing you need now is to jeopardise their (and your position).
Indeed, I would probably extend my freezing out to your broader relationship with him. You need to keep it together for your kids. Regardless of him bathing the kids etc, your description is not the kind of person I would want raising my children or spending significant time alone with them. They are and should be far more important to you than he is.
Best of luck,
posted by smoke at 11:14 PM on September 13, 2013 [2 favorites]
What a complete ass. I've dated some really awful people in my life, but what a titanic fuckwit to do this to the mother of his children.
As for how to cope:
- This weekend, while the kids are gone, go on a long road trip. Drive until you can't drive anymore. Go 1,000 miles or until you can't drive anymore. Just keep driving and seeing the road stretch out in front of you. Then, turn around and come home. It will calm you and remind you that there is more to life than this current situation.
In the near future:
- Exercise. Until you are exhausted. Until you are in pain. Until you can't think anymore.
- Cut off all contact with him unless absolutely necessary. Is there a place you can hand off the kids to him? (A parent's house or a daycare, for example) Don't text. Email short, to the point letters (1 - 3 sentences long). Try not to see him or contact him AT ALL.
- If you can move, do so. You will feel 300% better immediately.
- Make some new plans. You can take kids to a lot of places. You can start a degree. You can move to a new area. You can watch documentaries of interesting things.
- He is fucking that girl, but he is not over you. No one gets over anyone else that quickly. He's covering his pain by using her. Again, fuckwit.
- You are going to do better, and your life is going to be better. This is a low point. It may go down a bit first, but it will go WAY UP from here.
- You don't always have to be a good person. Women are socialized to always subordinate themselves in that way. Don't try to win "good girl" points. Don't worry about hurting his feelings. Do what is best for YOU.
posted by 3491again at 11:31 PM on September 13, 2013 [3 favorites]
As for how to cope:
- This weekend, while the kids are gone, go on a long road trip. Drive until you can't drive anymore. Go 1,000 miles or until you can't drive anymore. Just keep driving and seeing the road stretch out in front of you. Then, turn around and come home. It will calm you and remind you that there is more to life than this current situation.
In the near future:
- Exercise. Until you are exhausted. Until you are in pain. Until you can't think anymore.
- Cut off all contact with him unless absolutely necessary. Is there a place you can hand off the kids to him? (A parent's house or a daycare, for example) Don't text. Email short, to the point letters (1 - 3 sentences long). Try not to see him or contact him AT ALL.
- If you can move, do so. You will feel 300% better immediately.
- Make some new plans. You can take kids to a lot of places. You can start a degree. You can move to a new area. You can watch documentaries of interesting things.
- He is fucking that girl, but he is not over you. No one gets over anyone else that quickly. He's covering his pain by using her. Again, fuckwit.
- You are going to do better, and your life is going to be better. This is a low point. It may go down a bit first, but it will go WAY UP from here.
- You don't always have to be a good person. Women are socialized to always subordinate themselves in that way. Don't try to win "good girl" points. Don't worry about hurting his feelings. Do what is best for YOU.
posted by 3491again at 11:31 PM on September 13, 2013 [3 favorites]
I'm not a religious person, but I attended a divorce support group at a nearby church and found it to be very helpful - and it was free. Participants shared their stories and I was amazed to hear many that were just like mine - and from what you've shared - just like yours. I don't know if it's an epidemic, but there appear to be a lot of men (everyone at the meeting was female) who fit the profile of the Narcissistic disorder referenced by others in this thread.
Whether it's a church group or just reaching out to your friends, I encourage you to find ways to build your support network. Talk to your friends - make sure they know what you're going through. It's easy to isolate yourself when you're a single parent - between the kids and full time employment you'll need to actively make plans to socialize.
Hey - I just realized - there's a Metafilter Meet-up tomorrow in Phoenix - and you don't have the kids this weekend. You should go!!!
posted by kbar1 at 12:25 AM on September 14, 2013 [6 favorites]
Whether it's a church group or just reaching out to your friends, I encourage you to find ways to build your support network. Talk to your friends - make sure they know what you're going through. It's easy to isolate yourself when you're a single parent - between the kids and full time employment you'll need to actively make plans to socialize.
Hey - I just realized - there's a Metafilter Meet-up tomorrow in Phoenix - and you don't have the kids this weekend. You should go!!!
posted by kbar1 at 12:25 AM on September 14, 2013 [6 favorites]
You were with this guy four years and probably at least half of those years were in turmoil with his mental issues and instability and your determination to keep everything working no matter what. Now you know, deep in your heart, that he is not going to change and if you stay with him or go back to him your future is - sorry about this - more of the same. Right now you're hurting something terrible and it doesn't seem like things will ever be right again but this is a raw, bleeding wound that hasn't even started healing yet. Pretend you just had surgery and the doctor told you it will be at least six weeks before you'll feel anywhere near normal again - that's not an unusual scenario - and take it from there. You must rest, weep, rest some more, and very slowly start to recover. You will get past this, you'll heal from it, and one of these days you'll see him with different eyes. You'll see the Manipulator Man when you look at him instead of someone you feel sorry for and want to fix. A little at a time, your life will stabilize - it has to because you have two children who must be helped through this with you being the strong person they can trust to make things okay again. That doesn't mean getting your ex back into the loop, even though that's what the kids think you should do, either. Children are much more flexible and adaptable than you know right now and they'll adjust to the new arrangement just fine - after a time of confusion and fussing. What will make it much harder for them to come through this smoothly is if you don't - they're watching you to see how you manage to level yourself out.
I know it sounds trite, but it will be all right in time. It shouldn't take too long before you realize that you're actually able to relax once in awhile without having to worry about what you might be missing that will turn out to be important to him and will consequently bite you in the rear or worrying about how you're expressing yourself so he doesn't have anything to grab onto to claim you're hurting him - or whatever - you'll simply find some peace without the frustration.
You must be strong when your kids are around and awake. I'd strongly advise against badmouthing your ex to the kids or even letting them hear you argue with him - even if he badmouths you to them. You keep to the high road - you'll feel better for it and so will the kids.
I hope you can arrange some counseling to help you get grounded again ASAP. I wish you the best.
posted by aryma at 1:22 AM on September 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
I know it sounds trite, but it will be all right in time. It shouldn't take too long before you realize that you're actually able to relax once in awhile without having to worry about what you might be missing that will turn out to be important to him and will consequently bite you in the rear or worrying about how you're expressing yourself so he doesn't have anything to grab onto to claim you're hurting him - or whatever - you'll simply find some peace without the frustration.
You must be strong when your kids are around and awake. I'd strongly advise against badmouthing your ex to the kids or even letting them hear you argue with him - even if he badmouths you to them. You keep to the high road - you'll feel better for it and so will the kids.
I hope you can arrange some counseling to help you get grounded again ASAP. I wish you the best.
posted by aryma at 1:22 AM on September 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
Everything good in your life in the future (and there will be plenty, trust me) will eventually stem from where you are right now. Keep being the bigger person, being good is kinder, ultimately, on you. Don't say anything mean about him to the kids.
posted by Sebmojo at 3:08 AM on September 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by Sebmojo at 3:08 AM on September 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
I don't know that this actually happens. My son turned 18 a few months ago, and I'm still getting letters and dealing with fallout from her behavior. I'm moving to another state in part to get away from all of that.
Oh yeah, I'm not saying an ex's antics and shannanagins might not be an issue in the future as part of raising kids. I'm just saying, the idea of who she may or may not be hooking up with doesn't still shred your heart up, right?
posted by cairdeas at 4:50 AM on September 14, 2013
Oh yeah, I'm not saying an ex's antics and shannanagins might not be an issue in the future as part of raising kids. I'm just saying, the idea of who she may or may not be hooking up with doesn't still shred your heart up, right?
posted by cairdeas at 4:50 AM on September 14, 2013
Counselors are great, but I think you need that plus a social worker. Someone who knows what the resources are and how to access them efficiently. In Florida we have programs that will bring social workers into homes to teach parenting skills to families with kids of all ages. They can help you address all of your questions.
The key words you want (like a secret handshake) are Family Preservation. When you talk to people you want to be honest and use phrases "persistent stress" "low income" "concerned about my baby's development" "father has a history of drug and alcohol abuse" "father has a documented psychological condition and has been prescribed medication." This is not the time to downplay what is going on. If he stops taking his meds, tell people.
These links won't guarantee to get your husband back involved in your kids lives at a level you are hoping for. But they will get you pointed in a direction.
Some of these services may require you be referred in from CPS (I avoided giving you information about Human Resources Team, because they're for families whose kids are at imminent risk of removal from the home.) Some services may allow self referral. Call them all and find out. Some of these services will help you apply for SNAP (food stamps) benefits and other assistance. Some will provide counseling with a specific parenting focus. Some are affiliated with religious institutions but can't discriminate in who they help.
Health Start is for pregnant and post-partum women with a child under three. In Florida they allow self referral. Your child's pediatrician can refer you as well. Children age out of this program at 3 years.
A list of Maricopa Family Support Agencies. This list appears to have been updated in March. Some of the resources I list below may be duplicated on this PDF.
This is the website for Arizona 211. It has a lot of drug treatment stuff on it, don't let that discourage you. I found the Jewish Family & Children's Service Family & Child Welfare Services , it is unclear whether CPS has to refer to the them. Either way, they won't care if you're not Jewish. Here's their website.
Arizona Partnership for Children has at least one program that might be helpful. Parents as Teachers looks like Health Start but goes until 5 years old instead of three. Getting into both programs might give you some overlap, but also some additional resources. Think of the overlap as reinforcement.
Because you are receiving support, it is likely that you went through the "Domestic Relations Education on Children's Issues" program already, so maybe someone there can offer you some advice or point you in the direction of additional resources.
In the event that your ex ever becomes physically violent toward you or the kids, I give you this list. Maricopa County Crime Victim Services. If you are in another county, you can google that plus Crime Victim Services and probably find a similar list.
I've had to search for all of this information in Maricopa County before, for someone else. If you have any other questions about what might be available in Arizona, drop me a memail and I'll see what I can find.
posted by bilabial at 4:56 AM on September 14, 2013 [15 favorites]
The key words you want (like a secret handshake) are Family Preservation. When you talk to people you want to be honest and use phrases "persistent stress" "low income" "concerned about my baby's development" "father has a history of drug and alcohol abuse" "father has a documented psychological condition and has been prescribed medication." This is not the time to downplay what is going on. If he stops taking his meds, tell people.
These links won't guarantee to get your husband back involved in your kids lives at a level you are hoping for. But they will get you pointed in a direction.
Some of these services may require you be referred in from CPS (I avoided giving you information about Human Resources Team, because they're for families whose kids are at imminent risk of removal from the home.) Some services may allow self referral. Call them all and find out. Some of these services will help you apply for SNAP (food stamps) benefits and other assistance. Some will provide counseling with a specific parenting focus. Some are affiliated with religious institutions but can't discriminate in who they help.
Health Start is for pregnant and post-partum women with a child under three. In Florida they allow self referral. Your child's pediatrician can refer you as well. Children age out of this program at 3 years.
A list of Maricopa Family Support Agencies. This list appears to have been updated in March. Some of the resources I list below may be duplicated on this PDF.
This is the website for Arizona 211. It has a lot of drug treatment stuff on it, don't let that discourage you. I found the Jewish Family & Children's Service Family & Child Welfare Services , it is unclear whether CPS has to refer to the them. Either way, they won't care if you're not Jewish. Here's their website.
Arizona Partnership for Children has at least one program that might be helpful. Parents as Teachers looks like Health Start but goes until 5 years old instead of three. Getting into both programs might give you some overlap, but also some additional resources. Think of the overlap as reinforcement.
Because you are receiving support, it is likely that you went through the "Domestic Relations Education on Children's Issues" program already, so maybe someone there can offer you some advice or point you in the direction of additional resources.
In the event that your ex ever becomes physically violent toward you or the kids, I give you this list. Maricopa County Crime Victim Services. If you are in another county, you can google that plus Crime Victim Services and probably find a similar list.
I've had to search for all of this information in Maricopa County before, for someone else. If you have any other questions about what might be available in Arizona, drop me a memail and I'll see what I can find.
posted by bilabial at 4:56 AM on September 14, 2013 [15 favorites]
When I was in a similar situation, what I used to do to get through some stressful days at work was to tell myself that I would set those upsetting/maddening thoughts aside while I was at work, and I could think about them later when I was at home, when the kid was in bed. Sometimes I would actually visualize myself picking up a heavy box, moving it to the side, and then going about my business.
Everything that is upsetting you at work will still be there when you're done working. Or putting the kids to bed, or whatever you're doing. Those kids need a mother who is self-supporting and mentally healthy. They deserve your attention and your focus, not that guy. So just set aside those thoughts till later.
More often than not, when the time came, I had calmed down and didn't want to think about it any more.
And while you may not be able to go no contact, you can control what that contact will be. You have to know that being anything other than calm and detached does not serve your purpose well, and probably is pretty satisfying to him. Don't give him that satisfaction!
posted by lyssabee at 9:20 AM on September 14, 2013
Everything that is upsetting you at work will still be there when you're done working. Or putting the kids to bed, or whatever you're doing. Those kids need a mother who is self-supporting and mentally healthy. They deserve your attention and your focus, not that guy. So just set aside those thoughts till later.
More often than not, when the time came, I had calmed down and didn't want to think about it any more.
And while you may not be able to go no contact, you can control what that contact will be. You have to know that being anything other than calm and detached does not serve your purpose well, and probably is pretty satisfying to him. Don't give him that satisfaction!
posted by lyssabee at 9:20 AM on September 14, 2013
I don't have any advice on the children front, but I just want to say don't let him make you feel like a bad person. He was never cruel before only because he chose not to be. Clearly he's very capable of it when he feels like it. Lots of people go through painful breakups and never treat their exes the way he is treating you. His words and actions show that he's someone you are better off without. Don't let him make you feel bad about yourself, and don't let him make you say or do things you're going to regret.
Like others, I do not believe that was an accidental pocket dial. He wants to torment you, and it's not because you're awful, but because he is screwed up. He's proven himself to be very unstable and not good family material for you, and if he really has moved on to be with someone else, I would not envy her. I'm sorry you're in this situation and hope some of the resources others have listed are helpful.
posted by wondermouse at 10:31 AM on September 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
Like others, I do not believe that was an accidental pocket dial. He wants to torment you, and it's not because you're awful, but because he is screwed up. He's proven himself to be very unstable and not good family material for you, and if he really has moved on to be with someone else, I would not envy her. I'm sorry you're in this situation and hope some of the resources others have listed are helpful.
posted by wondermouse at 10:31 AM on September 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Thank you for all the encouraging comments. To be clear, I'm not in any sort of denial about this situation; I didn't think he would never date anyone else after he left, as I clearly said, it was just a momentarily comforting thing to not think he was doing it *yet.* And since I had once thought we were going to be married and stay together forever, well yeah, I don't think it's "stupid" to develop an emotional faith that your soon-to-be-husband is not ever going to fuck other people, or unreasonable to have a hard time letting go of that emotion afterwards. Nor do I believe I'm not worth better, or that this is my be all and end all of happiness. It's complicated. I went through a severely abusive relationship before I met him, and after THAT one, I did all of the "personal growth, rebuild identity, chop your hair off, move, get a new job, blah blah blah" stuff that people do to heal after genuinely terrible relationships; and I've vacillated over the urge to do all that again... but I just... don't feel it. I feel old, and tired, and I just don't feel like I can go through this whole healing and changing process again; especially with all the extra burden of children. I don't want to recreate myself, because I don't believe I lost myself in this relationship. I'm ok with who I am. I LIKED who I was this past year, I liked my identity within our relationship, which is precisely why I'm having such a hard time letting go. I felt happy and like myself with him. I (for the most part) maintained myself and my boundaries ...and ultimately, the destruction of the family is primarily on him, so I know this. But I've tried to "break up with HIM in my mind" as cairdeas suggested, so many times, and I can't get my mind to totally do it. Trust me, I'm trying. I've done mental gymnastics and rationalized myself on how much better off I will be, and all the classic self-help cliches and it just all falls empty on my heart right now. I know, it needs time. Sigh.
Oh and thank you for the links to resources; I will try the Fresh Start Foundation, and look into the resources for therapy or workshops. I unfortunately don't qualify for any public assistance programs (I have family who works in social services and DES, and have used their services in the past when pregnant with my older child so I know the guidelines and red tape pretty thoroughly). I'm not technically considered low-income by Arizona standards, more low-middle-class, but daycare and the high rent (my ex made significantly more money than me) are draining most of my income right now, so traditional therapy with $100-$200 an hour per session charge is just not in the cards for me at the moment. If I can find a cheaper option I will be happy to take advantage.
posted by celtalitha at 12:28 PM on September 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
Oh and thank you for the links to resources; I will try the Fresh Start Foundation, and look into the resources for therapy or workshops. I unfortunately don't qualify for any public assistance programs (I have family who works in social services and DES, and have used their services in the past when pregnant with my older child so I know the guidelines and red tape pretty thoroughly). I'm not technically considered low-income by Arizona standards, more low-middle-class, but daycare and the high rent (my ex made significantly more money than me) are draining most of my income right now, so traditional therapy with $100-$200 an hour per session charge is just not in the cards for me at the moment. If I can find a cheaper option I will be happy to take advantage.
posted by celtalitha at 12:28 PM on September 14, 2013 [2 favorites]
My advice is, don't define the ex and his behavior. The ex is ex. The future is about you and your children.
Your ex may be the world’s worst [insert pathology here] or he may be a guy who can’t get it together. I don’t know and it doesn’t matter now. Don’t waste time second-guessing what you woulda coulda shoulda in the past.
Decide what you need to do for yourself now. “Never write or say anything you don't want read aloud before a judge” is just basic "For dummies" advice during a split. Having this attitude and taking action now does not mean you have made a judgment about him, or the woman you were in the beginning. Protecting yourself now means that you are working on your future and your childrens’ future.
There is plenty of great advice in this thread offering steps you can take – yoga, crisis services, etc. Avail yourself of whatever makes the most sense to you.
Good luck.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 3:19 PM on September 14, 2013
Your ex may be the world’s worst [insert pathology here] or he may be a guy who can’t get it together. I don’t know and it doesn’t matter now. Don’t waste time second-guessing what you woulda coulda shoulda in the past.
Decide what you need to do for yourself now. “Never write or say anything you don't want read aloud before a judge” is just basic "For dummies" advice during a split. Having this attitude and taking action now does not mean you have made a judgment about him, or the woman you were in the beginning. Protecting yourself now means that you are working on your future and your childrens’ future.
There is plenty of great advice in this thread offering steps you can take – yoga, crisis services, etc. Avail yourself of whatever makes the most sense to you.
Good luck.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 3:19 PM on September 14, 2013
Response by poster: Well his new girlfriend just "liked" a picture of my daughter on facebook. I didn't recognize the name, so I clicked her link and as of yesterday, they are in a relationship and her profile picture is them both, and apparently he bought her a PS3 and a new TV.
Someone kill me...
posted by celtalitha at 12:33 AM on September 15, 2013
Someone kill me...
posted by celtalitha at 12:33 AM on September 15, 2013
Block them both on FB. Give yourself time and space to grieve without fresh new wounds. Remember you can always unblock later, if that helps make the decision to block them now. They won't get any notification that you've blocked them; they won't see you any more, so may guess at it, but right now it's your emotional health that matters. It will also be a bonus since they wouldn't be able to use anything gleaned from FB against you in court.
Take care, and see if you can make that therapy appointment in November. Ask if you can negotiate rates, you don't need to qualify for public assistance to ask.
posted by fraula at 4:51 AM on September 15, 2013 [10 favorites]
Take care, and see if you can make that therapy appointment in November. Ask if you can negotiate rates, you don't need to qualify for public assistance to ask.
posted by fraula at 4:51 AM on September 15, 2013 [10 favorites]
Just read your update. That just fucking sucks. I'm so sorry. Block them on FB, as fraula says.
As for not wanting to do that whole personal growth chop your hair off thing, I can definitely relate. Sometimes you don't want to change your identity, you just want your life to be different around you. And it's not. And with kids, it's harder to change. I get that, and it's worse in some ways than when all it takes to empower you is a can of paint or a plane ticket.
You're older now. Different things will empower you. You will find them.
posted by 3491again at 3:13 PM on September 15, 2013
As for not wanting to do that whole personal growth chop your hair off thing, I can definitely relate. Sometimes you don't want to change your identity, you just want your life to be different around you. And it's not. And with kids, it's harder to change. I get that, and it's worse in some ways than when all it takes to empower you is a can of paint or a plane ticket.
You're older now. Different things will empower you. You will find them.
posted by 3491again at 3:13 PM on September 15, 2013
Celtalithia, based on your comments here I always thought you were great. If I were you, I'd like myself, too :-)
I betcha he logged into Facebook as her and liked the picture to provoke you and pit you against each other. But who cares why whichever one of them did what. Block 'em and grey rock 'em (as in, on those occasions when you cannot avoid interacting with them, just act really boring and dull).
Sorry it hurts and it's gonna hurt for a long time. I don't have a cure for that. It will get better though.
p.s. He's a stupid twunt.
posted by tel3path at 4:02 PM on September 15, 2013
I betcha he logged into Facebook as her and liked the picture to provoke you and pit you against each other. But who cares why whichever one of them did what. Block 'em and grey rock 'em (as in, on those occasions when you cannot avoid interacting with them, just act really boring and dull).
Sorry it hurts and it's gonna hurt for a long time. I don't have a cure for that. It will get better though.
p.s. He's a stupid twunt.
posted by tel3path at 4:02 PM on September 15, 2013
Please don't discount your ability to qualify for some social services. The Florida program that I am familiar with that sends social workers into homes does require a family to meet at least three criteria, but income is "optional." I mean, it can be one of the three boxes, but you could also check "persistent family stress" "Family history of substance abuse" and "single parent." There are about 10 or 15 criteria.
The healthy start program pretty much just requires the mother to want services and be overwhelmed. A woman with two kids under 3 who wanted help would not be turned away in Florida. FLORIDA, where Rick Scott is trying to screw everybody out of every shred of help he can.
Please just call around and ask who can help you, instead of assuming that you won't qualify.
I know they're shitty and unpleasant phone calls to make. Just make one tomorrow?
posted by bilabial at 6:34 PM on September 15, 2013 [1 favorite]
The healthy start program pretty much just requires the mother to want services and be overwhelmed. A woman with two kids under 3 who wanted help would not be turned away in Florida. FLORIDA, where Rick Scott is trying to screw everybody out of every shred of help he can.
Please just call around and ask who can help you, instead of assuming that you won't qualify.
I know they're shitty and unpleasant phone calls to make. Just make one tomorrow?
posted by bilabial at 6:34 PM on September 15, 2013 [1 favorite]
The way he broke up with you is classic jerkface. You were holding strong on needing certain things, but he didn't want to be "dumped." So he found a way to get back in your good graces, then dumped you. Both times, he had to have the last word. It sucks to be on the receiving end of that. He doesn't get to decide whether or not you're a good person. He's probably just saying whatever he knows will hurt you.
posted by salvia at 10:28 PM on September 15, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by salvia at 10:28 PM on September 15, 2013 [3 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
One day, not super soon but not endlessly far into the future either, you're going to stop caring about him and what he does. I know that's hard to believe now, and I know that it really, REALLY hurts. I think this is one of those situations where you are just going to have to feel the pain until it ends, but it WILL end. Every chunk of time makes it better after a sudden shock - a night, a week, a month, three months, six months, a year.
You JUST got that phone call last night. It is excruciatingly painful to find out someone you love is involved with someone else. It's only been one night since you found out about that. Tomorrow will be just the slightest bit better. Next week will be just the slightest bit better than that. Don't panic. You won't feel this bad forever.
posted by cairdeas at 6:55 PM on September 13, 2013 [28 favorites]