Keep trying or cut and run?

June 18, 2007 3:40 AM

Chapter 3 - Finally left and now wondering why i am still getting treated like dirt! Any ideas....?

I wont go into a long history of my relationship, you only need to look at my last two questions posted on here to find out.
I am currently 27 weeks pregnant, am over joyed at the prospect of becoming a mum and have been since i found out. I was living with my partner in Sheffield, and although we had a few major problems i decided to work hard at the relationship in hope of making it work.

I was soon diagnosed with anti natal depression though and started to receive CAT treatment for this. Obviously though treatment can not be only the form of help you need; i personally believe you need support from your partner in these circumstances.
There use to be times when i would be crying my heart out and he would not offer me any comfort, not even a hug. There would be times when he would say he could not tell me he loved me at that particular time... clearly i found this hard, but again tried to get on by though by now we were having regular arguements.

Towards the end, i became severely depressed, and started self harming. Not to end my life, but because i had so many emotions in my head, i couldn't cope and found it easier to focus on something physical. I also started to lash out at my partner. Often this would be because he would be so cold or uncaring towards me, i would become unable to communicate with words due to frustration and found lashing out at him the only way to deal with my anger.

Because my partner had NPD though i would often find myself saying that once he had help it would get better etc, but i decided to leave last week. It was the hardest decision of my life, and even now i find myself still thinking about him and wondering if i have done the right thing.

There are many things i could tell you he has done which would all make you want to shout at me that i have done the right thing, but to be honest, it's what he is doing now that hurts the most.

When i left last week, he told me he still loved me and we were going to work towards a future together once we were both sorted. He swore on our unborn daughter that he would not be and had no intention to be in touch with his ex - wife (see question two). I left Sheffield and moved back home with my parents feeling a little more positive becuase of what he had promised.

Being the nosey lass i am though i chacked his messenger found out something i didn't like and called him. I asked him if he was on touch with his ex. First off he called me delusional, and then went on to admit that he wanted to see how she was. This hurt alot, he had not once wanted to know how i was since i left, even though i am carrying his child, and secondly he had sworn on the life of our daughter. Now i know this might not mean alot to some people, but i find that this is disgusting to do in principle.
I then yesterday (fathers day) called him to see how he was. He answered the phone with a "what?" and then told me he was too busy to talk to me for five mins because he was sorting out his music... he didn't even ask me how i was.

He then spoke to me online last night after i text him saying i would appriecaite it.. he went on to tell me he didn't love me at that very moment and he would let me know when that changed. He says he needs space and me constantly calling is not helping.
I just feel though that me calling for a five minute converstaion is something he should be fine with if he was saying he still wanted to be with me. I am trying so hard to reach out ot this man, and let him be part of my and my childs life. He says right now he doesn't care as he has too much on his mind, and i am getting to the point where i do not know what to do. I keep hoping he might realize what he is doing to me, but deep down i honestly think that he believes what he is doing to be fair. He does say though he wants to be a dad to our little girl... advice?

posted by rainbow_2006 to human relations (48 comments total)

It's a saying for a reason: actions speak louder than words.

His actions are not those of someone who should be helping raise a newborn, nor are they those of someone who wants to be around you or the baby.

Look to your parents and your friends for support. You won't be getting any from him.
posted by dirtynumbangelboy at 3:51 AM on June 18, 2007 [1 favorite]

You cannot make him feel or act a particular way. Much of your hurt feelings are as a result of him not meeting your expectations in this respect. You know from past experience that what he says and what he does are two different things.

Make your own physical and mental well-being your priority, and if that means having no contact with this man, then so be it, difficult though that may be.
posted by essexjan at 3:55 AM on June 18, 2007

After reading your last two questions it is more than clear that you have to leave this man out of your life completely. COMPLETELY means no calling, no talking, no IMing, no mail, NOTHING. It is masochistic to do otherwise. You expending all this energy on him is a waste for you and the baby. Think about it, he is doing quite a number on you of whipsawwing your emotions of hope, fear and love, what defense does your baby/child have with someone like that? Why would you think his behaviour would change?

It is hard, lord knows, mighty hard to let go of someone who you have invested so much in already, but the bleeding has to stop. Invest in yourself and your daughter and dump him COMPLETELY. Have your attorney or social services deal with his responsibilities of financial child support and NEVER EVER be alone or converse with him again.
posted by jadepearl at 5:10 AM on June 18, 2007 [1 favorite]

i am not sure exactly what you are asking: do you want someone to tell you that you did the right thing? How can we answer that without knowing both sides? Sure, he sounds like a deadbeat, but how much are your own actions contributing to the issue?

Essexjan has the right of it - most of your distress comes from the fact that he isn't acting in a way that you would like.

It sounds to me like he just wants some space. This is not uncommon after a breakup, some people just need a little while to adjust. Ringing him every five minutes, snooping through his personal effects and then criticising him because he isn't pleasant down the phone isn't going to help.

Right now your priority is your baby. If he is as Narcissistic as you say then he isn't going to do anything unless it is on his own initiative: whether it be reconciling with you; being a good father.. whatever. It sucks, its unfair on you - but you need to look after yourself and your baby, and rely on your own support network of friends and family.

If he doesn't come around by the time the baby is born, then pursue the legal avenues for child support and custody and stuff. But you can't rely on a leopard to change his spots. Good luck.
posted by TheOtherGuy at 5:20 AM on June 18, 2007 [1 favorite]

"...Because my partner had NPD though i would often find myself saying that once he had help it would get better etc, but i decided to leave last week."

If by "NPD" you mean Narcisstic Personality Disorder, be aware that if he has been competently diagnosed with this, in the most affected part of the spectrum, his psychotherapy treatment may take a very long course, and that he may never become a warm, supportive person capable of being a reliable father to a child. There isn't, presently, any effective primary drug therapy, and what drugs may be prescribed for short term managment of related depression don't have much effect on the underlying NPD.

Without meaning to be bleak, or flippant, some people are just fated to be jerks. If you come to understand that he can't easily help himself, and expect very little of him in regards to improvement with treatment, you'll go a long way to getting past any long term hopes for a rosy future with this person. You may still elect to try to have a relationship with him, but it is going to be a relationship with a person who may never have normal empathy, or rational self-regard, and I question whether such a person could ever be an effective parent to a child.

On behalf of your child, this deserves full understanding and consideration by you in the near future, perhaps with some guidance from professionals, including whatever therapy resources have diagnosed his issues. Good luck. When your baby arrives, you won't need any more drama in your life than an infant inherently provides.
posted by paulsc at 5:28 AM on June 18, 2007

Yeah he sounds like he's going to make an awesome Dad...

If you're looking for people tell you lies, I really doubt you're going to find it here. For whatever reason you feel it is acceptable for yourself to be treated like dirt? I know that's a tricky and complex subject, hey? It's only simple from the outside or in hindsight...

But you're a mum now! It's no longer about you! So you are obligated to wake the fuck up!! And do the right thing by the both of you!! If nothing else think - would you be happy for your lass to grow up and have this same experience? I know you're going to say No! So why show her it's ok?

Something had struck me as odd in my family history and as it turned out my Great Grandmother had kicked my great grandfather out of the house. Divorced that jerk. And raised two small children all on her own. That just was NOT done in those days!! Who would have thought the beautiful and sweet little lady I remember was packing such great big balls? Words can't describe my feelings but don't you know I'm proud!!
posted by mu~ha~ha~ha~har at 5:32 AM on June 18, 2007 [1 favorite]

first: leave him alone. answer his questions about the baby if he asks, make sure he knows how to get in touch with you if he decides to step up, but let him go.

second: give him time. he's just spent a great deal of time with a pregnant partner who has been very unwell. you've been in a terribly vulnerable place, and this is really stressful for a partner, especially men, who often feel worse because they can't "fix" the problem. men will often withdraw in this case, because there's something about that sense of helplessness that wounds them more deeply (for some reason i think women cope better with it). this whole thing has probably left him embarrassed, confused, alienated, and hurt, too. he feels like a failure for not "being enough" to keep you well, and now he feels like you're pestering him for support he can't give.

you need to let him go and heal, too. (and men, as much as women, heal romantic pain by rebounding, often with an ex who made him feel great. my ex called me after a divorce...it's standard operating procedure. it'll pass.)

he may never come around, but you need to make him feel welcome to do it--he'll never rebuild those bridges if he feels like he might be walking into an ambush if he crosses them.

third: find other means of support, including psychological. you sound very fragile and sad right now, which is normal. but you need the kind of intimate support only friends and family can provide. we on mefi can toss out suggestions, because we're people who care about the welfare of people in general, but you really need to seek out the support of the full humans in your life, not just the names on this screen. also, a therapist wouldn't be a bad idea.
posted by thinkingwoman at 5:36 AM on June 18, 2007

Your daughter is going to learn about relationships from you. Do you want her to be like this around men?
posted by thirteenkiller at 5:40 AM on June 18, 2007 [3 favorites]

I guess i just feel extremely torn. When this man wants to be he is wonderful; everything i want. It's just when he puts me through all of this.
Also, i will be honest, i have had bad experiences when it comes to men, including sexual abuse as a child from a family member. As stange as this sounds, i don't think i could bare having another man hurt me, although i know he already has.
Also, i know people are saying i need to give him space etc, but all i have ever done is try and go by his demands. I fell like i am always doing what he wants, but he never compromises.
The more he treats me like this, the more i want answers. What he doesn't seem to understand is that if he could show me a little consideration, i would be alot happier. Maybe this is just me though.
posted by rainbow_2006 at 5:49 AM on June 18, 2007

"What he doesn't seem to understand is that if he could show me a little consideration, i would be alot happier."

Imagine yourself getting to the place where your happiness did not depend on his actions. Imagine how good that would feel, how much less stressful. Ask yourself how to get there.
posted by wyzewoman at 5:57 AM on June 18, 2007 [1 favorite]

Do you even like yourself? Don't you have any selfrespect?

This guy does not love you. His promises are worth the paper they are printed on. (Hint: NOTHING.)

It's not about him OR you anymore, it's about the baby. Your baby does not need the hurt and confusion this man will bring to bear.

I mean this from the bottom of my heart: if you can get financial support elsewhere try to get this man to give up parental rights totally. It's one thing to break your heart but do you want this man to totally break your child's heart? And he most definitely will because ALL HE CARES ABOUT IS HIMSELF, PERIOD.

NOT you. NOT the baby.

HIMSELF.
posted by konolia at 6:02 AM on June 18, 2007 [2 favorites]

What he doesn't seem to understand is that if he could show me a little consideration, i would be alot happier.

He's NPD. He understands. He just doesn't care.

Read this if you haven't already, and if you have, read it again. Spare your child the emotional abuse of growing up with a narcissist for a parent. You've left already - you've done the hard bit.

Also, what konolia said.
posted by corvine at 6:10 AM on June 18, 2007 [2 favorites]

"... When this man wants to be he is wonderful; everything i want. It's just when he puts me through all of this. ..."

What you are apparently having problems understanding is that, if he is a real narcissist, he is never truly "wonderful," but just very skilled at appearing to be.

He's playing you, to get sex, admiration, etc. He does not have, nor is it likely he ever will, normal empathy. Narcissists and sociopaths are extremely good at working off the emotional needs of others - its part of their own psychological processes to be effective that way, else they could not continue getting their own needs met, which is essentially their whole purpose in life. It's perhaps true that he can't help himself, doesn't understand this, and won't be significantly helped even by long treatment.

But it will only become a real tragedy if you continue to allow him to manipulate you, to the detriment of your ability to be a good mother to your child, and to perhaps form better relationships with other, more stable men.
posted by paulsc at 6:13 AM on June 18, 2007 [1 favorite]

Maybe you should look through your own posting history - everything people told you in this thread is about the same as what you're hearing here. Good on you for leaving him, now stop being fucked with. If you find you keep pathetically dangling around waiting for his kind words, maybe think about not keeping the baby.
posted by thirteenkiller at 6:34 AM on June 18, 2007 [1 favorite]

Not keeping the baby is not an option, and i will have no one else tell me otherwise. I have left him to move back to my family. The baby WILL have a stable up bringing. I want him to be the father of my child though, and with what he is putting me through, i don't know if i can do it.
posted by rainbow_2006 at 6:40 AM on June 18, 2007

Look, dang, did you listen to the answers at all in the previous question? Of course the man makes you feel wonderful sometimes--that's his M.O. He leads you on and gives you just enough happy times to keep you dancing on his string and hoping for more. It is the very nature of his psychological disease to be manipulative and malicious.

You can't fix him. He has nothing to offer you. I repeat, he has nothing to offer you. No matter what he says. Everything he says is part of the plan to keep you controlled and part of the little world he's constructed for himself. My God, if not for your sake, but for the sake of your child break off all contact with him and leave this relationship.

Other posters with a more sympathetic tone for this guy: Please read rainbow_2006's previous questions. The man is a manipulative, narcissistic asshole and she's naive and insecure. Rainbow, it is pretty awesome you have broken off this much with him. Finish what you started and end it.
posted by schroedinger at 6:44 AM on June 18, 2007 [4 favorites]

Also, why the hell do you want him to be the father of your child? Do you think he'll treat the baby any better? Do you really want the kid to go through the hell you've been through? Are you that weak, that you would subject your child to that kind of pain?
posted by schroedinger at 6:46 AM on June 18, 2007 [6 favorites]

Why do you want him to be a father to your kid? Do you want your daughter treated the way you're being treated? Cause guess what... she will be. Maybe worse.
posted by tristeza at 6:46 AM on June 18, 2007 [1 favorite]

He already has one son from a previous relationship (not his wife), and in all fairness to him he is a good dad although sometimes a little irresponsable.
I have also come to the conclusion that his ex - wife would be fucking stupid to come back to him. He had a child before, one with his mistress and none with her. I would hope she wouldn't be so stupid, although that is pretty rich coming from me.
I don't know if i am just being spiteful though because i have told him that if he does get back in touch with her etc i will stop contact between him and the child. I would do this because i would not trust my child with a woman who hates me... i don't believe she would have my childs wealfare at heart.
posted by rainbow_2006 at 7:01 AM on June 18, 2007

Your daughter is not a pawn to be used in your relationship with this man. Do not use her to try and get what you want out of him (to make him stop seeing his ex.)

How can you say you won't trust the child with his ex when you seem to trust her with this man who is hurting you so badly, and would hurt the girl even worse???
posted by wyzewoman at 7:08 AM on June 18, 2007 [1 favorite]

Oh good grief... CUT AND RUN, CUT AND RUN, CUT AND RUN!!!!

You met this guy when he was married. He left her to be with you. Then he was messing around with her behind your back. He has a kid from another mistress. Now you are pregnant and he is still mentally goodness-knows-where. Then you say you are concerned about his ex possibly coming in contact with your child.

You keep coming back with comments to justify why you haven't packed your bags and run screaming from him. Why?

No kid wants a father like this. Much better to be in a single parent family than go through the hurt this man will bring into your child's life. Lots of us come from single parent families and we turn out fine.

RUN rainbow_2006 RUN

Take care of yourself and your kid. That is priority now.
posted by gomichild at 7:09 AM on June 18, 2007 [1 favorite]

I wouldn't let that man near my child. And I don't even have a child, just a cat. I wouldn't let him be a part of my cat's life.
posted by Green Eyed Monster at 7:10 AM on June 18, 2007 [9 favorites]

* edit sorry with following the drama I missed the bit in which you say you have "left" him.

Now delete his number, his email address, and block him. Don't call, don't mail.
posted by gomichild at 7:14 AM on June 18, 2007 [1 favorite]

I'm sorry to be blunt, but the myriad details, twists, turns, reported conversations, texts and email are beyond irrelevant. All 'feelings' are irrelevant.

You are a classic NPD enabler. If you don't want to be on the receiving end of the disorder, you must heal yourself and only yourself. That's a tall order considering both your physical condition and what I read as your passionate involvement as a full-on participant in the nurturing of his --and your -- disease, NPD (if that's truly what is going on). I wish you luck and courage.
posted by thinkpiece at 7:16 AM on June 18, 2007 [2 favorites]

The only thing your child and its father should share in common are genetics. Please re-read the thread from your previous question for tales of why NPD people make bad parents.
posted by drezdn at 7:28 AM on June 18, 2007

I want him to be the father of my child though, and with what he is putting me through, i don't know if i can do it.

You don't know if you can do it. The point you seem to be missing trumps yours: he can't do it. What you try to do won't matter.
posted by scheptech at 7:47 AM on June 18, 2007 [1 favorite]

I get what everyone is saying - trust me it's what i have been telling myself.
I just can't fathom the fact that someone can be like this. I find it so hard to understand. I could never and would never put someone through what he has put me through. I am annoyed for letting him upset me. As someone mentioned earlier - it is just so hard to walk away from soneone when you have invested so much into them.
I am starting to realize the man i fell in love with never really existed. I just hope he tries to help himself and get the help he deserves/needs. If not - it will al be his loss.
posted by rainbow_2006 at 8:08 AM on June 18, 2007

Stop trying to understand it. You are trying to understand the principles of internal combustion, while you're driving an 18 wheeler with failed breaks on an interstate, down a mountain, in heavy traffic, with your unborn daughter right there with you. Understanding how is mind works isn't going to save you from this situation. Later on, when you've successfully stopped thinking that you need him (hint: you don't need him), then you can figure it out (if you even want to waste the energy at that point)...but that time hasn't come yet.
posted by anaelith at 9:15 AM on June 18, 2007 [1 favorite]

Of course you want him to get help. But he's a grownup, and that's his decision. Your baby is not a grownup, and right now, she doesn't care about who her daddy is, and whether he'll be there for her. Right now, the most important thing she needs is a healthy, happy mommy.

It's not your job to fix him.

It's not your job to understand him.

It's not your job to mold him into a parent.

Your job is to fix yourself, understand yourself, and mold yourself into a parent.

She doesn't need him. She needs you.
posted by happyturtle at 9:22 AM on June 18, 2007 [3 favorites]

I just can't fathom the fact that someone can be like this. I find it so hard to understand.

Yes, okay, I've been there. Long story, better left untold. When I was with him, I had many, many hooks in my mouth that kept me in the relationship.

I finally left him, tearing out many of those hooks in the process. However, trying to figure out why someone who I loved so much could treat me so callously was the final hook. My worrying over it went on for far too long and kept me from moving on. I kept in contact with him, hoping to discover why. He had no answers for me.

My final verdict? Just - fuck him. Fuck him. He was not worth my time to even think about. How I got there? Therapy. And I suggest the same for you.
posted by Squeak Attack at 9:31 AM on June 18, 2007

I just can't fathom the fact that someone can be like this.

There are a lot of people that suck, and they do rotten things to others. That's the way life is. So you should avoid toxic people like that, because they won't change. History always repeats itself. You won't get the answers you want, and instead of wasting time trying to fix him (which you can't) nthing the idea of focusing on yourself and your child. Don't call him, text him, email him, write him letters, etc. Nothing. If he tries to contact you, don't respond. He shouldn't exist in your world anymore. You need to focus on what is important, and that is you and your child's well-being. He would have nothing positive to contribute to your child's future.
posted by bolognius maximus at 9:42 AM on June 18, 2007 [1 favorite]

rainbow_2006, I don't know if there are Codependents Anonymous meetings where you are, but you they might be helpful to you. If not, here are a couple of book recommendations: 1, 2. Both have been of great comfort to me.
posted by granted at 10:00 AM on June 18, 2007 [1 favorite]

Did you read the Metafilter post on psychopaths? Psychopathy is not equivalent to being a vicious murderer. There are people in this world who act callous and cruel because it is in their nature to do so, and you simply cannot change them. Period.
posted by schroedinger at 10:06 AM on June 18, 2007

When this man wants to be he is wonderful; everything i want.

And yet, he chooses NOT to be what you want most of the time, and never seems to be the man you NEED.

Get him out of your life. Financially, he can support the child, but other than that, what gems could this guy possibly pass on to his son or daughter that makes you want him in your child's life?
posted by misha at 10:55 AM on June 18, 2007

Your "boyfriend" is not you. He does not feel the things you do, he does not think the same way as you, he does not love people in the same way as you do. You aren't understanding his behavior because you haven't come to terms with the fact that he isn't you.

The question you should be asking yourself is if you want an uncaring, selfish, tortured soul around your child's life? He will never get the help he needs to be a decent individual for your child.

Your child is what matters now - don't waste your child's future by using your child to resolve your relationship issues and fantasies with your child's father.
posted by Stynxno at 11:25 AM on June 18, 2007

I don't understand why you keep posting what is essentially the same question over and over again. Do you just enjoy the drama of people reaching out to offer you advice? From the fact that you seem to still be clinging to this sham of a "relationship", you obviously love to be immersed in turmoil and drama.

Stop being so self-centered and wishing he would come around. He will never come around. He does not love you. He will never love you. He is incapable of giving you what you need. And for as long as you obsess about this guy, you will not be able to focus on what is important in your life, i.e. yourself & your baby.

And I am positive you already know this.
posted by tastybrains at 12:02 PM on June 18, 2007 [2 favorites]

I debated posting because it's late in the thread and I'm sure you've had just about enough advice for one day or one askMe question. However, I'm going to share with you a perspective your child might come to have some day if you allow your ex to have contact with her. Also, FWIW, every person who's commented in this thread is right on, and right to be indignant about this situation.

I was raised by a man like this. It's taken seven years of therapy to tackle the emotional fallout from it and I'm still not done. It's exhausting, frankly. I've held a grudge against my mother for years for not simply removing me and my brother from the household. She had alot of excuses, too - she loved him, he could be so sweet, he'd had a terrible time of it as a child, she believed in her marriage vows, it wasn't that bad, look, see, how smart and brave and good and loving my children are so he really can't be that much of an ogre, blah blah blah. I realize now that she was depressed and beaten down and very sick herself during those years - still, it is everything I can do not to hold her to greater account for her inaction than him for his repeated assaults on my self-esteem. It's really rough. If you want your child to be forever stuck between loyalty to you and a loyalty to herself, sure, try to make a rational, controllable situation out of this chaotic mess.

The worst part about being raised by a soulless, manipulative, cruel person, paradoxically, is the good times. Why? Because you know instinctively as a child, without being able to give voice to it, that one of your parents is a liar. You know that parent doesn't have real emotions. You know they manipulate and seek only to serve their own needs. You know they really don't see you as a person but merely an extension of themselves or a functionary in their entitled, emotionally bankrupt universe. And yet, they come to you on occasion with "love". They come to you on occasion with tears and promises that next time they will behave differently. They understand the error of their ways. They are sooooo sorry, please forgive them. And, as a child with a childlike view of the perfection of your parent, you believe them. You are innocent and you believe they are innocent, too. Then they do something horrible again and you feel like a fool. Worse, you feel like you caused them to fail. If you weren't so worthless and unloveable, they wouldn't behave this way towards you.

So, in a nutshell, what happens is that you never learn to trust your own judgment. You never learn to value your own intelligence. You never learn to set boundaries and honor them out of a sense of enlightened self-interest because your own parent has constantly let you down in the worst way. You also learn that the parent you DO trust - the other GOOD parent, the parent who tries to nurture and love and protect you - is weak. On top of THAT, you seek in every love relationship from that point on to simultaneously recreate and fix what went horribly wrong with the very first passionate love relationship you ever had - that which you experienced with your parents. You view fake "love" as real love. You set yourself up to be screwed over constantly and, if you succeed at nothing else, you always succeed at that.

So, to sum it all up, if you want to set your child up to not only hate herself AND you and pretty much everybody for being fakes, liars and opportunists, continue to believe in this fantasy that your love is going to change this pitiful excuse for a man. If you want to give her a chance, take her as far away from this man as possible and find yourself a good therapist. I sincerely wish you and your child the best of luck.
posted by TryTheTilapia at 12:14 PM on June 18, 2007 [10 favorites]

A diagnosis of NPD means you can't apply normal human standards to this man's behaviour. Essentially, he's been issued his Asshole Certificate. You can't change him, not ever. You can only decide whether you want the drama and poison to be near you or not.

Of course he makes you feel wonderful. When he wants to, he will make you feel like the only woman in the world, and you will bask in his attention like he was the sun.

This is the danger. He's a wad of poisonous chemical reactions flying through space, exerting gravity on things and then burning them to death. Skin cancer. Parched ground. Dehydration. Death Valley. Don't orbit this. He won't change. This is the way it will always be.

The only thing worse than an NPD boyfriend is an NPD dad. Listen to Tilapia.
posted by Sallyfur at 12:34 PM on June 18, 2007 [1 favorite]

I am thankful for everyones comments on here, good or bad.
Yes - some might think that my posting history is pathetic but you know what, i would rather post on here three times and finally let it get through to me, than not at all and only have the advice of close friends and family. I am sure everyone can appreciate unbiasis advice from strangers. It's can be one of the reasons why counselling is so effective.
And i would rather post on here than suffer in silence. It has been good to get alot off my chest, and to have other people back up my own thoughts and feelings about this situation.
So think what you want of me, think i am a drama queen or whatever you like, i just hope most realize my intentions behind posting on here.
posted by rainbow_2006 at 12:42 PM on June 18, 2007

Tilapia, wow. Very very well said.
posted by thinkpiece at 1:01 PM on June 18, 2007

There's nothing wrong with posting here. Just get this man out of your life, so your next AskMe can be about origami or something.
posted by East Manitoba Regional Junior Kabaddi Champion '94 at 1:05 PM on June 18, 2007 [2 favorites]

It hurts, I know. But guess what, it will get better. I posted too a week ago and I am surviving. I thought that if we are not together anymore, life will stop so I took all the mistreatment and the verbal and emotional abuse coz I thought THINGS WILL GET BETTER WITH HIM. Learn to accept the fact that there are people who will and cannot commit. I wish you well. If you want to talk, let me know.
posted by confused1965 at 1:24 PM on June 18, 2007

I'm afraid, rainbow, that part of getting out of this situation will involve you realizing that you are, actually, being a drama queen. Sorry that that sounds mean.

See, you have this giant score card in your mind. You have a list of Things I Have Done for Him, a list of Things I Have Suffered for Him, and then a list of Things He Has Done for Me. And you just cannot get over the fact that the third list comes nowhere close to the sum of the other two. You just can't seem to get over the fact that he owes you, big time, but isn't paying.

But, the problem is, no one else is keeping score like you. Your unborn baby isn't keeping score. The jerk who fathered her isn't keeping score. Only you. And you're getting more frustrated and desperate the more unbalanced your scorecard gets. You're so caught up with how much you have done for him that you just cannot accept that he will never make it up to you -- you're determined to get back from him what you deserve. What everyone is trying to tell you is just that it ain't going to happen.

So, next time you find yourself thinking something like, "I suffered all of that for him, and what has he done for me!?" instead think, "Man, that sure was a bad situation and now I am glad I'm out of it." Or, if you're thinking, "I'm carrying his child, and he won't even say he loves me!?" instead think, "That guy was a total jerk, but I'm glad I'm going to have a sweet little baby soon." In other words: stop thinking about it in terms of having to get repaid. Accept that he'll never pay you back for all that you've gone through for him; it's like he owed you a significant amount of money and then filed bankruptcy. It's over, man. Tear up that score card and stop dwelling on your losses.
posted by Ms. Saint at 1:30 PM on June 18, 2007 [5 favorites]

Drop the "The baby WILL have a stable up bringing" stuff. I'm also pregnant, and horrified by all the knocked-up girls blithering away on-line who're desperate to straighten up their "man" enough to get him to change a diaper and make a few coos at the baby.

It's going to be a person. Inflicting a jerk like that on an infant isn't a great idea, but how the hell can you even fathom the fuck being a father?

Dude is NOT going to:

-- play tea party
-- wear himself out chasing after the bicycle when the training wheels first come off
-- bother to show up to kindergarten recitals
-- host smashing birthday parties
-- be anything but the world's biggest liability when she starts getting interested in dating

ANY of that. Trying to badger him into going through a few token motions of fatherhood when faced with an infant is NOT going to make him a Dad. Don't play games with yourself like calling him on Father's Day.

So think what you want of me, think i am a drama queen or whatever you like...

I think you're very young. If you can't get away from this man, I think you need to think about the adoption route. If given the choice between a "relationship" with this man and keeping your baby, which would you pick? If you hesitated for a split second -- for chrissakes, adopt out. As it is, you can't provide stability for yourself, never mind a child.

I also have to think you had some large problems in your life before you even met this guy, or else you wouldn't have got yourself into such a mess and decided to get pregnant. If those issues aren't resolved, motherhood is going to be exceptionally tough.
posted by kmennie at 2:31 PM on June 18, 2007 [3 favorites]

So think what you want of me, think i am a drama queen or whatever you like, i just hope most realize my intentions behind posting on here.

Are you sure you aren't the one with NPD? I mean, here you are railing on about yourself and why *you're* being treated like dirt, and what people are thinking about *you*, and you've got a frigging baby on the way. And you're clearly a total basket case to be in the situation you are in - and you've even said that you have been in similar situations before! - and yet you are planning to keep this baby because *you* are looking forward to being a mom.

You do not seem to grasp the gravity of having a baby. Instead of focusing on the reality, and that you have to just get over this fuckwad and get your shit together if your child is going to have even a reasonable semblance of a normal life, you are focusing on whining about why your severely disturbed "boyfriend" isn't treating you nicely.

He is physically and mentally incapable of caring about you or your child, and you KNOW this intellectually, and yet you cannot fathom the fact that he just doesn't love you underneath it all. Yes, I can see that this is a hard thing to consider, but you are obviously a few crumpets short of a tea party - even if this was based solely on the fact that you deliberately got pregnant with his child despite knowing he's a cheater and a liar.

This isn't even about him - this is about your need to be immersed in chaos. Your self-harming is just another way to try & get attention. Since that didn't work, you come here to ask the same question, to which you know you will get the same advice, which is to get over it and move on and grow up. Stop worrying about YOU and start worrying about what's going to happen when your baby comes.

And seriously, part of me wonders if you are just some knucklehead having a few laughs by coming up with more and more absurd installments of this clusterfuck you call life. Either way, you need some serious help that is beyond the ability of anything you will find on the internet.
posted by tastybrains at 2:56 PM on June 18, 2007

I have the feeling rainbow is going to learn this the absolute hardest way possible. Too bad her defenseless, doesn't-know-any-better kid will as well. That's what makes me want to cry.

"Because I luuuuuuuuuv him" is no reason to listen to any of his bullcrap. If ALL you have is "but I luuuuuuuuv him," you're fucked.

Please listen to kmennie.
posted by jenfullmoon at 3:50 PM on June 18, 2007

Me, in the last thread: Until he abandons the two of you and you post to AskMe about how to live as a single mother when your ex has flown the coop.

Aw, hell yes. Move over Miss Cleo, I'm takin' over. Oh wait, it's not clairvoyance, it's having a lick of common sense. You have mental problems. Serious issues. This is not meant to call you a crazy bitch, but to let you know that something is seriously messed up in the way you think of this man and the way you continue to act and react to this situation. You need help, otherwise you will raise a traumatized child who will grow up to despise you. Unstable people in unstable relationships do not make good parents. Please go into therapy, ask your friends and family for help, and LET THIS MAN GO.

P.S. My next prediction is that he won't show up for the birth of the baby, causing another drama-queen post about your baby-daddy being inconsiderate.
posted by lychee at 5:08 PM on June 18, 2007

Hey, rainbow_2006, let us know what happens/is happening, will you? A lot of us are obviously quite concerned about you. Take care.
posted by tristeza at 9:49 AM on June 20, 2007