Baby Maybe?
August 18, 2013 5:42 PM Subscribe
Considering starting a family but what happens when baby comes? Do I stay home and he works? Does he stay home and I work? Snowflake details inside, basically help me evaluate my options.
Let's break it down into three scenarios
A: I stay home. I have always wanted to raise my baby myself, at least until they are 2-3 years old. Honestly this is the option that appeals most to me but there is a major drawback. He is very sick of his job and relying on his income alone would tie him to a job he loathes. This is not something I want to do to him.
B: He stays home. This would allow him to quit the job he hates and focus more on his artistic side job. I am hesitant for two reasons. I am afraid I might resent having to work while he takes on the role I always imagined myself in. Also, I am not 100% sure he would be happy with the day to day realities of child-rearing.
C: We both work and baby goes to daycare. This feels more like the cop-out option. No one is forced into leaving their job or staying. I don't like the idea of my child in a room full of other babies at some daycare. This option might be more appealing if I could find a stay at home mom I could pay to watch my baby.
I know that no one else can tell me what is right for me, I would just love some advice on how to weigh my choices. Extra helpful if you have experience with choosing any of these options for yourself.
Let's break it down into three scenarios
A: I stay home. I have always wanted to raise my baby myself, at least until they are 2-3 years old. Honestly this is the option that appeals most to me but there is a major drawback. He is very sick of his job and relying on his income alone would tie him to a job he loathes. This is not something I want to do to him.
B: He stays home. This would allow him to quit the job he hates and focus more on his artistic side job. I am hesitant for two reasons. I am afraid I might resent having to work while he takes on the role I always imagined myself in. Also, I am not 100% sure he would be happy with the day to day realities of child-rearing.
C: We both work and baby goes to daycare. This feels more like the cop-out option. No one is forced into leaving their job or staying. I don't like the idea of my child in a room full of other babies at some daycare. This option might be more appealing if I could find a stay at home mom I could pay to watch my baby.
I know that no one else can tell me what is right for me, I would just love some advice on how to weigh my choices. Extra helpful if you have experience with choosing any of these options for yourself.
Depending on what your partner wants (and assuming he is okay shooting for your best-case scenario): he finds a better job he likes that can support you both while you stay home.
posted by juliplease at 5:45 PM on August 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by juliplease at 5:45 PM on August 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
What are the odds he can find a job he likes more before you start trying for kids? Then maybe you could stay home and everyone's happy. On preview: everyone agrees!
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 5:46 PM on August 18, 2013
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 5:46 PM on August 18, 2013
Another thing to consider is whether you feel like not getting to stay home with the baby yourself is worse than not having any baby at all. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't, but you should be clear with him and yourself on that.
posted by bleep at 5:48 PM on August 18, 2013
posted by bleep at 5:48 PM on August 18, 2013
I just wanted to say that your idea of daycare may not reflect reality at a lot of good centers. Good daycare centers can be nurturing and great places to build social skills for young kids.
I think the central questions you have here are bigger than just daycare, but I think you should be open to daycare being a positive experience for a child.
Personally, I can't imagine something more depressing than an at home daycare, but that's probably just reflecting my bias.
posted by Betelgeuse at 5:50 PM on August 18, 2013 [3 favorites]
I think the central questions you have here are bigger than just daycare, but I think you should be open to daycare being a positive experience for a child.
Personally, I can't imagine something more depressing than an at home daycare, but that's probably just reflecting my bias.
posted by Betelgeuse at 5:50 PM on August 18, 2013 [3 favorites]
One thing to be aware of: if your husband is full-time at-home child care, he will not be able to focus on his career, artistic-type or otherwise. Caring for a child is not a full time job in that it has lots of down time, but that down time comes in unpredictable spurts and is not reliable. I am a SAHP who also pursues music, and I can only work on my art when other people are looking after my children.
posted by KathrynT at 5:56 PM on August 18, 2013 [23 favorites]
posted by KathrynT at 5:56 PM on August 18, 2013 [23 favorites]
One thing to consider is what your kid needs, or what might be best for him or her, and not you.
We tried really hard to game out schedules so that furnace.kid would stay out of daycare. The daycare he goes to is pretty nice, and is really well structured. He thrives there. He learns TONS. He's an only child (and will remain so) so this is a really good place for him to learn how to interact with other kids. It's not the only way, but it works forhim, not really for us. It almost costs us more to have him in daycare than it does for me not to work. It's basically a wash wvery month, and will be for another couple months until he goes up a "grade."
Your kid might be really social and need that interaction. Daycare works for some kids, and it's not necessarily a cop out to send them there.
posted by furnace.heart at 6:16 PM on August 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
We tried really hard to game out schedules so that furnace.kid would stay out of daycare. The daycare he goes to is pretty nice, and is really well structured. He thrives there. He learns TONS. He's an only child (and will remain so) so this is a really good place for him to learn how to interact with other kids. It's not the only way, but it works forhim, not really for us. It almost costs us more to have him in daycare than it does for me not to work. It's basically a wash wvery month, and will be for another couple months until he goes up a "grade."
Your kid might be really social and need that interaction. Daycare works for some kids, and it's not necessarily a cop out to send them there.
posted by furnace.heart at 6:16 PM on August 18, 2013 [1 favorite]
Well, hey, we pretty much had this exact scenario. I don't know if my experience will be of any use to you, but here it is.
1. Husband is musician, so opted to stay home while I worked (a series of jobs) eventually getting into one I like.
2. Husband had a REALLY hard time with this. He was too exhausted from babycare to do anything but sleep when I got home. Baby-minding was not a natural skill he had, even though he was very loving and committed. We were also now always broke until my jobs improved since he wasn't working. As the baby got older, he would end up spending money to take him places (museums, anywhere) just to get out the house, plus gas, so we didn't end up saving as much as we wanted on the at-home thing. Meanwhile, the guilt was killing me, combined with resentment over being broke, and having no free time myself, since I had to give every bit of it to him to keep him sane. We ended up in counseling. It was...really really hard.
3. Grandparents were too overcommitted/unwell to help much. We had no other support. Did I mention it was hard? Really really really hard. We could hardly ever afford a babysitter.
4. Kiddo went into daycare at 18 mos. It didn't take. Tried again at 2 years, was ok for a while (but expensive) but then Bad Stuff happened with lack of oversight. Found semi-decent place, they closed. Finally found decent place, but again, expensive, husband felt guilt (he was never in daycare as child, was afraid kid would be damaged) etc. etc. Kid was fine, even did well here, but, getting to that place was a slog. Thankfully kid will remember none of all that.
5. Kid started school, and things got better. He was more self-sufficient, no daycare costs, Dad had days to work but could be there for sick days. BUT. What will you do in the summer? Over long holidays? Whatever it is, it will cost you money. Day camps, daycare, babysitters; you are still going to have to shell out for them unless one of you is willing to give up all their free time for three months a year until the kid is old enough to not need it (I was 9 before I stayed home alone).
6. And now of course, we are facing the facts that past the earliest years, our state's school system is pretty shitty even in "good" districts. So we're shelling out for private school. So we are still broke, even though I'm making more now. Husband has been out of workforce for six years, and makes a verrry modest living at his art, and he is personally happier, and we are happier as a couple. I like my job, and would be working regardless, so I don't resent that part. But. Our options are definitely constrained. Where we live, how much we can go out, what risks we can take, all have to be ok for our kiddo. And in some ways, you never really get over that.
Don't get me wrong, we love this kid ferociously, he was very much wanted. But, at least in this country, it is a major financial stressor to have one partner stay home with a kiddo, and in addition that partner may simply not be up for the isolation and pressure it brings.
And yes, there won't be much art being made while he's caretaking. Babies demand interaction and lots of them are terrible at things like consistent nap times or playing quietly without you. Not to mention that being sleep-deprived will make it hard to think at all.
posted by emjaybee at 6:32 PM on August 18, 2013 [8 favorites]
1. Husband is musician, so opted to stay home while I worked (a series of jobs) eventually getting into one I like.
2. Husband had a REALLY hard time with this. He was too exhausted from babycare to do anything but sleep when I got home. Baby-minding was not a natural skill he had, even though he was very loving and committed. We were also now always broke until my jobs improved since he wasn't working. As the baby got older, he would end up spending money to take him places (museums, anywhere) just to get out the house, plus gas, so we didn't end up saving as much as we wanted on the at-home thing. Meanwhile, the guilt was killing me, combined with resentment over being broke, and having no free time myself, since I had to give every bit of it to him to keep him sane. We ended up in counseling. It was...really really hard.
3. Grandparents were too overcommitted/unwell to help much. We had no other support. Did I mention it was hard? Really really really hard. We could hardly ever afford a babysitter.
4. Kiddo went into daycare at 18 mos. It didn't take. Tried again at 2 years, was ok for a while (but expensive) but then Bad Stuff happened with lack of oversight. Found semi-decent place, they closed. Finally found decent place, but again, expensive, husband felt guilt (he was never in daycare as child, was afraid kid would be damaged) etc. etc. Kid was fine, even did well here, but, getting to that place was a slog. Thankfully kid will remember none of all that.
5. Kid started school, and things got better. He was more self-sufficient, no daycare costs, Dad had days to work but could be there for sick days. BUT. What will you do in the summer? Over long holidays? Whatever it is, it will cost you money. Day camps, daycare, babysitters; you are still going to have to shell out for them unless one of you is willing to give up all their free time for three months a year until the kid is old enough to not need it (I was 9 before I stayed home alone).
6. And now of course, we are facing the facts that past the earliest years, our state's school system is pretty shitty even in "good" districts. So we're shelling out for private school. So we are still broke, even though I'm making more now. Husband has been out of workforce for six years, and makes a verrry modest living at his art, and he is personally happier, and we are happier as a couple. I like my job, and would be working regardless, so I don't resent that part. But. Our options are definitely constrained. Where we live, how much we can go out, what risks we can take, all have to be ok for our kiddo. And in some ways, you never really get over that.
Don't get me wrong, we love this kid ferociously, he was very much wanted. But, at least in this country, it is a major financial stressor to have one partner stay home with a kiddo, and in addition that partner may simply not be up for the isolation and pressure it brings.
And yes, there won't be much art being made while he's caretaking. Babies demand interaction and lots of them are terrible at things like consistent nap times or playing quietly without you. Not to mention that being sleep-deprived will make it hard to think at all.
posted by emjaybee at 6:32 PM on August 18, 2013 [8 favorites]
Could one (or both) of you work part time? Are there any grandparents/ relatives in the picture who could help out? Have you thought about getting a nanny?
posted by oceano at 6:34 PM on August 18, 2013
posted by oceano at 6:34 PM on August 18, 2013
I went to an at-home daycare with a stay at home mom when I was a child. I also had full time babysitters (who had grownup kids) where I stayed at their house for the day while my parents worked. My parents did a great job choosing the sitters, and I still hold very dear all the babysitters I had when I was young. They were/are wonderful people. It wasn't depressing at all, I'm not really sure why it would be. If there were other kids there, which there sometimes were, we played with them and became friends with them. I'm still friends with some of those kids now, as an adult.
I have the luxury of being able to have a nanny come to my house to care for my child while I work, but I wouldn't hesitate to use an at-home daycare if I needed to.
I would nth the suggestion that your husband change jobs beforehand, if he hates his job now. Being a stay at home parent is very difficult too and if you're not sure he'll like it, it's probably best not to count on him to do it. Also considering the part time option which is great if you can get it.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 6:38 PM on August 18, 2013
I have the luxury of being able to have a nanny come to my house to care for my child while I work, but I wouldn't hesitate to use an at-home daycare if I needed to.
I would nth the suggestion that your husband change jobs beforehand, if he hates his job now. Being a stay at home parent is very difficult too and if you're not sure he'll like it, it's probably best not to count on him to do it. Also considering the part time option which is great if you can get it.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 6:38 PM on August 18, 2013
(d) -- delay?
Tying Dad to a hated job is not a great choice but having a child will tie you both to stuff in a way probably not previously imaginable. If things might change career-wise in a few years it might be best to wait, because taking any sort of employment risk with a child is not a happy experience for most.
Also, (e) -- you each work different shifts?
Multiple studies have found that parents gave their children's quality of care significantly higher ratings than did observers and (and I leave the rest to you and Google) that there is high-quality centre-based care out there, but high-quality centre-based care is (1) rare, (2) extremely expensive.
If I had been in a situation which had forced me outside of the house when my daughter was wee, and that would have had to be a very dramatic sort of situation, I would have begged, pleaded, and bribed my own parents to care for her. There are skilled, caring, kind caregivers out there but they are not common; day care work is high turnover, low bar to entry, wretchedly paid -- the industry ensures its own mediocrity. I personally would choose a carefully selected at-home parent over a centre, unless I was very rich and in a major metropolitan area and had put myself on a waiting list on the first day of a missed period, etc. I am an at-home/homeschool parent and have spent too much time observing day care staff with their charges in various public places and it can be kind of a weird and depressing thing to watch, lots of very young women with not a whiff of motherliness about them, little idea of what to do when a tot starts to sob, and the caregiver-child ratio is invariably a bit unnerving. I have also reeled back in horror at the pictures some home caregivers are willing to make public in their advertising, too -- beware "home" environments where the "home" is gated off and your kid ends up in a basement with a Mickey Mouse poster and a TV.
(f) -- got a retired relative you love who will take a bribe?
posted by kmennie at 6:41 PM on August 18, 2013
Tying Dad to a hated job is not a great choice but having a child will tie you both to stuff in a way probably not previously imaginable. If things might change career-wise in a few years it might be best to wait, because taking any sort of employment risk with a child is not a happy experience for most.
Also, (e) -- you each work different shifts?
Multiple studies have found that parents gave their children's quality of care significantly higher ratings than did observers and (and I leave the rest to you and Google) that there is high-quality centre-based care out there, but high-quality centre-based care is (1) rare, (2) extremely expensive.
If I had been in a situation which had forced me outside of the house when my daughter was wee, and that would have had to be a very dramatic sort of situation, I would have begged, pleaded, and bribed my own parents to care for her. There are skilled, caring, kind caregivers out there but they are not common; day care work is high turnover, low bar to entry, wretchedly paid -- the industry ensures its own mediocrity. I personally would choose a carefully selected at-home parent over a centre, unless I was very rich and in a major metropolitan area and had put myself on a waiting list on the first day of a missed period, etc. I am an at-home/homeschool parent and have spent too much time observing day care staff with their charges in various public places and it can be kind of a weird and depressing thing to watch, lots of very young women with not a whiff of motherliness about them, little idea of what to do when a tot starts to sob, and the caregiver-child ratio is invariably a bit unnerving. I have also reeled back in horror at the pictures some home caregivers are willing to make public in their advertising, too -- beware "home" environments where the "home" is gated off and your kid ends up in a basement with a Mickey Mouse poster and a TV.
(f) -- got a retired relative you love who will take a bribe?
posted by kmennie at 6:41 PM on August 18, 2013
We did it this way:
0 - 11 months (birth to 1yr): I stayed home on maternity leave (paid/subsidised by my employer), my partner kept working in the job he didn't like.
12 - 35 months (1 - 3yrs): I worked in a job I came to loathe, and came close to a nervous breakdown from, while my partner was a stay at home parent.
35 - 39 months(3 - 3.5yrs): both unemployed! We both looked for work, were hoping to find part-time jobs.
39 - 42 months(3 - 3.5yrs): partner worked, a job he doesn't like, while I was a full-time stay at home mum.
32 months to now (3.5 - 4yrs): partner still working the shitty job he hates, I am a full-time PhD student, kid is in kindy which isn't daycare, but is subsidised by the government.
Daycare is not the end of things - we didn't use it but it can be great. I still would have loved for us both to have found part-time work but it just didn't happen with our skill-sets as they are. My partner very much wanted and enjoyed being a stay at home parent though and I think that in and of itself is the biggest factor in deciding who is the stay at home parent. I am very glad I only had that short stint of being a full-timer at home while she was older because he is/was so much better at it. We don't have relatives close who can be carers as well (they have children/jobs themselves, or are not who we want caring for her long-term).
We're hoping that I can swing a scholarship this year or next which would allow him to change careers, or go part-time somewhere and study. Long-term we'd both like to work part-time, or me full-time and him at home/casual/from home. - those are our preferences and while what we're doing right now is not either of those things, it is a step towards those things.
He will absolutely not be happy with the reality of day-to-day primary carer if he thinks he will be able to focus more on his artistic side-job. Parenting is not a part-time gig, is not a low-threshold gig, not an easy gig. I did get a lot of writing done that first six months or so, while my daughter slept, but none of it was at the level I wanted it to be. Parenting is work. You can do other stuff but it will be slotted in around the edges, just like with a 'real' job. Some things you can integrate (writing is easy with a baby in a sling - impossible with a chatty toddler but cooking is harder with a baby in a sling and MUCH easier with a chatty toddler who can be trusted to chop up mushrooms). And you cannot guarantee a 'easy' child either. I could write some while she slept, but she actually slept. My sister-in-law could barely READ while her sons were small because they required so much one-to-one attention and had colic and so on. A friend of mine has continued her art practice but much reduced and changed to compensate for 'cannot use big powertools while the baby sleeps' and 'cannot use caustic chemicals around the toddler'.
Any plan you make needs to be flexible.
posted by geek anachronism at 6:50 PM on August 18, 2013
0 - 11 months (birth to 1yr): I stayed home on maternity leave (paid/subsidised by my employer), my partner kept working in the job he didn't like.
12 - 35 months (1 - 3yrs): I worked in a job I came to loathe, and came close to a nervous breakdown from, while my partner was a stay at home parent.
35 - 39 months(3 - 3.5yrs): both unemployed! We both looked for work, were hoping to find part-time jobs.
39 - 42 months(3 - 3.5yrs): partner worked, a job he doesn't like, while I was a full-time stay at home mum.
32 months to now (3.5 - 4yrs): partner still working the shitty job he hates, I am a full-time PhD student, kid is in kindy which isn't daycare, but is subsidised by the government.
Daycare is not the end of things - we didn't use it but it can be great. I still would have loved for us both to have found part-time work but it just didn't happen with our skill-sets as they are. My partner very much wanted and enjoyed being a stay at home parent though and I think that in and of itself is the biggest factor in deciding who is the stay at home parent. I am very glad I only had that short stint of being a full-timer at home while she was older because he is/was so much better at it. We don't have relatives close who can be carers as well (they have children/jobs themselves, or are not who we want caring for her long-term).
We're hoping that I can swing a scholarship this year or next which would allow him to change careers, or go part-time somewhere and study. Long-term we'd both like to work part-time, or me full-time and him at home/casual/from home. - those are our preferences and while what we're doing right now is not either of those things, it is a step towards those things.
He will absolutely not be happy with the reality of day-to-day primary carer if he thinks he will be able to focus more on his artistic side-job. Parenting is not a part-time gig, is not a low-threshold gig, not an easy gig. I did get a lot of writing done that first six months or so, while my daughter slept, but none of it was at the level I wanted it to be. Parenting is work. You can do other stuff but it will be slotted in around the edges, just like with a 'real' job. Some things you can integrate (writing is easy with a baby in a sling - impossible with a chatty toddler but cooking is harder with a baby in a sling and MUCH easier with a chatty toddler who can be trusted to chop up mushrooms). And you cannot guarantee a 'easy' child either. I could write some while she slept, but she actually slept. My sister-in-law could barely READ while her sons were small because they required so much one-to-one attention and had colic and so on. A friend of mine has continued her art practice but much reduced and changed to compensate for 'cannot use big powertools while the baby sleeps' and 'cannot use caustic chemicals around the toddler'.
Any plan you make needs to be flexible.
posted by geek anachronism at 6:50 PM on August 18, 2013
I am way past this but the issues remain the same. I would love to watch my grandkids but I am still working and so I serve as back up to the back up and it is all tightly wound. Nevertheless, some of my kids stayed with me while I worked in my office at home and at work, some times they went to day care, and sometimes I had a "girl" stay at home with them. I fretted over every choice. My kids are all pretty healthy happy people. It was expensive and I spent less on college, go figure. Just love your time...it will be good if you worry a little and plan a lot.
posted by OhSusannah at 6:50 PM on August 18, 2013
posted by OhSusannah at 6:50 PM on August 18, 2013
I am only going to address c.
If you think daycare is copping out, then you really need to talk to parents who have their children in daycare. My dh and I both have to work, so we're not quite in your position. But my two kids are thriving in daycare. The providers they have had have done more with them than I could imagine doing. I can barely get out the door on weekends with my two children, let alone go to interesting children's events a few towns away with two children who belong to me and three children who don't.
I will also ask you --- what is the difference between daycare and school? Is school a cop out? You do realize that daycare has curriculums they need to follow? It may vary, but there are developmental appropriate things they are supposed to do. For example, our old daycare had our babies roll on balls when they were 4 - 6 months of age as a part of tummy time. I never did stuff like that.
And our current daycare is teaching my 20 month old the alphabet. At home she points at individual letters and calls them all, "E!" "E!" "E!" But, you know, she's recognizing what letters are and knows the name of one. I don't do stuff like that.
I think one thing that will help you adjust your decision is realizing what daycare is and isn't. It's not a warehouse for children. It's really not. And the other thing that is key -- children always behave differently around their primary caregivers than they do around their secondary ones -- like daycare. It's quite remarkable, actually.
This isn't to say you shouldn't stay home, or your husband shouldn't stay home, or that you can't find other enrichment activities than daycare to do with your child. But i just wanted to say that daycare can be really awesome for kids -- it should be awesome for kids. It's been more than awesome for my kids.
posted by zizzle at 7:16 PM on August 18, 2013 [18 favorites]
If you think daycare is copping out, then you really need to talk to parents who have their children in daycare. My dh and I both have to work, so we're not quite in your position. But my two kids are thriving in daycare. The providers they have had have done more with them than I could imagine doing. I can barely get out the door on weekends with my two children, let alone go to interesting children's events a few towns away with two children who belong to me and three children who don't.
I will also ask you --- what is the difference between daycare and school? Is school a cop out? You do realize that daycare has curriculums they need to follow? It may vary, but there are developmental appropriate things they are supposed to do. For example, our old daycare had our babies roll on balls when they were 4 - 6 months of age as a part of tummy time. I never did stuff like that.
And our current daycare is teaching my 20 month old the alphabet. At home she points at individual letters and calls them all, "E!" "E!" "E!" But, you know, she's recognizing what letters are and knows the name of one. I don't do stuff like that.
I think one thing that will help you adjust your decision is realizing what daycare is and isn't. It's not a warehouse for children. It's really not. And the other thing that is key -- children always behave differently around their primary caregivers than they do around their secondary ones -- like daycare. It's quite remarkable, actually.
This isn't to say you shouldn't stay home, or your husband shouldn't stay home, or that you can't find other enrichment activities than daycare to do with your child. But i just wanted to say that daycare can be really awesome for kids -- it should be awesome for kids. It's been more than awesome for my kids.
posted by zizzle at 7:16 PM on August 18, 2013 [18 favorites]
Another thing you might consider is part-time work, if it's a possibility for either of you. That mitigates a lot of the costs of any one option, while also providing many of the benefits.
For instance, I work full-time, we put my infant son in daycare part-time, and during that time my partner works on his art career. The rest of the time my partner takes care of him. (My job is flexible so I try to pitch in what I can, but it still adds up to 40 hours a week).
This is the ideal situation for us. Our son loves daycare and we think it offers him a lot of socialisation and enrichment that we just can't. Plus, the part-time work allows my husband to keep developing his work skills and keep his hand in the employment game. But having my son at home for a few weekdays every week also allows us to give him more one-on-one, personalised attention, and deepen our relationship with him.
Everyone's different, obviously, and I know not all situations are set up to make this possible. But we have really enjoyed how well this is working out.
posted by forza at 8:17 PM on August 18, 2013
For instance, I work full-time, we put my infant son in daycare part-time, and during that time my partner works on his art career. The rest of the time my partner takes care of him. (My job is flexible so I try to pitch in what I can, but it still adds up to 40 hours a week).
This is the ideal situation for us. Our son loves daycare and we think it offers him a lot of socialisation and enrichment that we just can't. Plus, the part-time work allows my husband to keep developing his work skills and keep his hand in the employment game. But having my son at home for a few weekdays every week also allows us to give him more one-on-one, personalised attention, and deepen our relationship with him.
Everyone's different, obviously, and I know not all situations are set up to make this possible. But we have really enjoyed how well this is working out.
posted by forza at 8:17 PM on August 18, 2013
Two other options for you:
1. An au pair (your child can learn another language)
2. Montessori - at about the age of 1, it becomes more like preschool than daycare
posted by Dansaman at 9:15 PM on August 18, 2013
1. An au pair (your child can learn another language)
2. Montessori - at about the age of 1, it becomes more like preschool than daycare
posted by Dansaman at 9:15 PM on August 18, 2013
Another thing to consider: depending on your job and your geographical location, you may find that a crazy amount of your income is going straight into daycare. With us, a substantial portion of my wife's salary went toward making time for her to go to work. That's fine from a career-development perspective, but from a swimming-and-not-treading-water perspective, it sucked. I can't imagine how she would have done it if she didn't really love her work.
I took a (subsidized) family leave from my employer when our daughter was born. I'm going to do the same when our second child comes in December. I found that time to be really wonderful and terrifying all at once. If you can afford it, and you can work out a fair and mutually satisfying agreement with your partner, I'd really recommend taking some time off to be with your newborn. Once they're gone, you will never have those months back.
posted by R. Schlock at 11:10 PM on August 18, 2013
I took a (subsidized) family leave from my employer when our daughter was born. I'm going to do the same when our second child comes in December. I found that time to be really wonderful and terrifying all at once. If you can afford it, and you can work out a fair and mutually satisfying agreement with your partner, I'd really recommend taking some time off to be with your newborn. Once they're gone, you will never have those months back.
posted by R. Schlock at 11:10 PM on August 18, 2013
The way I did it - for the first 6 months, I stayed at home on maternity leave from my job (unpaid by my employer, but with gov't paid parental leave for over half that time). I returned to work for three days a week initially, then increasing to four days a week. My husband also works four days a week. We use a combination of grandparent care, and a shared nanny with another family (so that the nanny takes care of two children in one home for two days a week). If that situation doesn't work out in future, I plan to look into a family daycare (where 4 - 6 children are taken care of in someone's home).
I was a bit torn as to whether I would be ready to return to work after six months, but I found stay at home parenting (particularly during those first six months) rather isolating and lonely, a well as a bit boring. Towards the end of my leave, I was looking forward to returning to work. I think any success at combining stay at home parenting with artistic/creative work is going to end up involving some third party care - I found any other pursuits ended up being crammed rather unsatisfying into spare moments. I had a baby that was terrible at sleeping though, and that didn't help.
If staying at home is something you've always wanted to do, and you're not certain he would be happy with the (often tedious) realities of child rearing, then option B is not the right option. Option C could be, if you don't want to be limited to one income. The thing I enjoy about having paid care is that someone whose job is to take care of my child spends the whole day entirely focussed on my child, and doing imaginative, inventive play with him - whereas my days with him I'm often trying to get other things done at the same time. I think it's really beneficial for him to have that one on one time, and also the opportunity to play with other children.
posted by fever-trees at 2:17 AM on August 19, 2013
I was a bit torn as to whether I would be ready to return to work after six months, but I found stay at home parenting (particularly during those first six months) rather isolating and lonely, a well as a bit boring. Towards the end of my leave, I was looking forward to returning to work. I think any success at combining stay at home parenting with artistic/creative work is going to end up involving some third party care - I found any other pursuits ended up being crammed rather unsatisfying into spare moments. I had a baby that was terrible at sleeping though, and that didn't help.
If staying at home is something you've always wanted to do, and you're not certain he would be happy with the (often tedious) realities of child rearing, then option B is not the right option. Option C could be, if you don't want to be limited to one income. The thing I enjoy about having paid care is that someone whose job is to take care of my child spends the whole day entirely focussed on my child, and doing imaginative, inventive play with him - whereas my days with him I'm often trying to get other things done at the same time. I think it's really beneficial for him to have that one on one time, and also the opportunity to play with other children.
posted by fever-trees at 2:17 AM on August 19, 2013
Also keep in mind that you may make one decision and then find that you really would prefer a different arrangement. We decided to do the both-parents-working, baby-in-daycare thing when our son was born, and after 6 months decided we'd prefer for Mr. Rabbit to stay home with him. The kid is 2 and a half now, and we're starting to think maybe he really needs the structure and socialization of daycare/preschool soon, plus Mr. Rabbit would really like to work again. This is not a carved-in-stone thing, so I would vote for not thinking about it too much before the baby is at least a zygote. Life circumstances change, and flexibility is really a necessary parenting skill.
posted by rabbitrabbit at 9:25 AM on August 19, 2013
posted by rabbitrabbit at 9:25 AM on August 19, 2013
He stays home. This would allow him to quit the job he hates and focus more on his artistic side job.
Artistic side job? He's going to be raising a kid. Unless his artistic side job involves blogging about the Teletubbies or discussing the various colors of baby poop ("This one is more of a dark chocolate with hazelnut overtones") he's not going to be doing squat about any side jobs.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 10:00 AM on August 19, 2013
Artistic side job? He's going to be raising a kid. Unless his artistic side job involves blogging about the Teletubbies or discussing the various colors of baby poop ("This one is more of a dark chocolate with hazelnut overtones") he's not going to be doing squat about any side jobs.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 10:00 AM on August 19, 2013
When my mom was a single mother with three small children she opened a day care center. It's still around, though she sold it after we all got a little older. She hired some wonderful teachers there who I still remember fondly.
My sister is lucky that she and her boyfriend work different shifts, and for the couple of hours they overlap, my nephew stays with a friend who is a stay-at-home mom. My sister still wants to put him into a real day care soon because of the structure, learning, and socialization it will provide.
You have a lot of options, but it definitely sounds like he should work on finding a better job no matter what.
posted by catatethebird at 10:38 AM on August 19, 2013
My sister is lucky that she and her boyfriend work different shifts, and for the couple of hours they overlap, my nephew stays with a friend who is a stay-at-home mom. My sister still wants to put him into a real day care soon because of the structure, learning, and socialization it will provide.
You have a lot of options, but it definitely sounds like he should work on finding a better job no matter what.
posted by catatethebird at 10:38 AM on August 19, 2013
And yeah, when I am at my sister's house with her and my nephew, I can't even manage to read a book with him around, even though I am not providing his primary care. Toddlers need constant attention, no one is going to get much done in the way of art, or any other work most of the time.
posted by catatethebird at 10:41 AM on August 19, 2013
posted by catatethebird at 10:41 AM on August 19, 2013
Two short things:
I can't stress how difficult it's been for friends who've left the workforce to raise children to later return to it.
I also have seen a lot of situations with a working parent and a non-working parent and I guess I would politely say that it takes a lot of communication and understanding to prevent resentment and worse arising.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 11:48 AM on August 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
I can't stress how difficult it's been for friends who've left the workforce to raise children to later return to it.
I also have seen a lot of situations with a working parent and a non-working parent and I guess I would politely say that it takes a lot of communication and understanding to prevent resentment and worse arising.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 11:48 AM on August 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
First of all, he will not have even 5 minutes a day to work on his "artistic side job"! Staying at home is very demanding, both physically and emotionally. If someone is not already very familiar with and excited about caring for children, him staying home doesn't sound realistic to me.
Having a baby and then having to leave it (either with your partner at home or in daycare) can be very difficult. Being the one who gives birth, is lactating, hormonal, possibly waking all night to breastfeed, etc., and then having to be the breadwinner on top of it all, was a miserable experience for me.
Once kids hit about 2/2.5 years old, they seem really interested in being around other kids, and most of them seem to do OK in daycare. Before then, though, it seems cruel to me to leave a infant all day with strangers if you can help it. I don't see the point in creating a baby and then paying someone else to raise them -- IF you have the ability to do otherwise. I'm sure I'll get ripped into for saying that, because we're all supposed to say day care is just as good, and how dare anyone suggest otherwise, but in addition to the fact that daycare is extremely expensive (equivalent to a year of college tuition, roughly), at least where I live (a major city in the midwest), even the "very good" quality day care centers are not that good _at all_. If you want to research daycare centers, (in addition to asking friends for referrals and meeting the director, etc.), park in an adjacent lot at outdoor playtime, if you can, to see how attentive, kind, and patient the workers are when no one is looking. They may be great, or you might get a very different impression than when you were on the official tour.
You'll get a lot of conflicting advice on this question, I'm sure, because the grass is always greener. People who stayed home and found it stultifying will emphasize how hard that is. People like me who wanted to be the stay at home parent and couldn't be will emphasize how hard it is to give birth and then _not_ be stay at home. Those who send their kids to day care will tell you how hard that is. Not to be too much of a downer, but it's all hard. Having kids is just hard. It can be joyful and funny and awesome, and I wouldn't trade it for _anything_ in the world, but whatever option you pick, you will be very tired, and you will probably be wishing you had chosen a different option.
There are pros and cons to all of it, and all the options involve seriously crappy trade-offs. I'm sure you'll be given a lot to think about by everyone here, and you sound like a very thoughtful person, so I'm sure you'll figure out what works best for you.
posted by ravioli at 7:45 PM on August 19, 2013
Having a baby and then having to leave it (either with your partner at home or in daycare) can be very difficult. Being the one who gives birth, is lactating, hormonal, possibly waking all night to breastfeed, etc., and then having to be the breadwinner on top of it all, was a miserable experience for me.
Once kids hit about 2/2.5 years old, they seem really interested in being around other kids, and most of them seem to do OK in daycare. Before then, though, it seems cruel to me to leave a infant all day with strangers if you can help it. I don't see the point in creating a baby and then paying someone else to raise them -- IF you have the ability to do otherwise. I'm sure I'll get ripped into for saying that, because we're all supposed to say day care is just as good, and how dare anyone suggest otherwise, but in addition to the fact that daycare is extremely expensive (equivalent to a year of college tuition, roughly), at least where I live (a major city in the midwest), even the "very good" quality day care centers are not that good _at all_. If you want to research daycare centers, (in addition to asking friends for referrals and meeting the director, etc.), park in an adjacent lot at outdoor playtime, if you can, to see how attentive, kind, and patient the workers are when no one is looking. They may be great, or you might get a very different impression than when you were on the official tour.
You'll get a lot of conflicting advice on this question, I'm sure, because the grass is always greener. People who stayed home and found it stultifying will emphasize how hard that is. People like me who wanted to be the stay at home parent and couldn't be will emphasize how hard it is to give birth and then _not_ be stay at home. Those who send their kids to day care will tell you how hard that is. Not to be too much of a downer, but it's all hard. Having kids is just hard. It can be joyful and funny and awesome, and I wouldn't trade it for _anything_ in the world, but whatever option you pick, you will be very tired, and you will probably be wishing you had chosen a different option.
There are pros and cons to all of it, and all the options involve seriously crappy trade-offs. I'm sure you'll be given a lot to think about by everyone here, and you sound like a very thoughtful person, so I'm sure you'll figure out what works best for you.
posted by ravioli at 7:45 PM on August 19, 2013
An important aspect for me was the long term financial needs of my kid. I felt the greatest good for my kid could be accomplished by maximizing the long-term financial status of our household. And that meant both parents staying on the career path. I'm looking forward to having the option to send him to private school if needed, giving him more enriching experiences (e.g. travel), more college options, etc. For me, these advantages outweighed the differences between me staying at home for 2-3 years and sending him to daycare for that time.
Turns out I love my kid's daycare. They all have *degrees* in this stuff! And the turnover rate is very low. His primary caregiver has been there for 8 years. And they have an outdoor area and equipment that I can't/wouldn't know to provide. I didn't go over the math in the kmennie's ratio link, but they changed his diaper every 1.5 hours. And they logged every one and what it was like. So it *is* possible. That said, the daycare is substantially more than my mortgage. And I did have to get on the waiting list as soon as I got pregnant.
Bottom line: I would explore the daycare option, because you might be surprised what you can find.
Good luck!!!!
posted by pizzazz at 5:04 PM on August 20, 2013
Turns out I love my kid's daycare. They all have *degrees* in this stuff! And the turnover rate is very low. His primary caregiver has been there for 8 years. And they have an outdoor area and equipment that I can't/wouldn't know to provide. I didn't go over the math in the kmennie's ratio link, but they changed his diaper every 1.5 hours. And they logged every one and what it was like. So it *is* possible. That said, the daycare is substantially more than my mortgage. And I did have to get on the waiting list as soon as I got pregnant.
Bottom line: I would explore the daycare option, because you might be surprised what you can find.
Good luck!!!!
posted by pizzazz at 5:04 PM on August 20, 2013
The thing with kids is: you can't plan anything about what happens after they are born. It may turn out you don't like staying home with your kid, for example. It may turn out that your kid can't go to day care for health reasons -- not even necessarily huge scary reasons, but if he or she is born slightly early, a dr may recommend not exposing those lungs to daycare until 18 months. Just, all kinds of things. I don't really have any strong advice on your options other than to remind you that life is fluid and things change and it helps to be mentally prepared that you may need to be flexible.
p.s. Daycare can be really great, as people have said.
posted by freezer cake at 4:07 PM on August 22, 2013
p.s. Daycare can be really great, as people have said.
posted by freezer cake at 4:07 PM on August 22, 2013
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Will it be possible for either or both of you to transition into a part time or consultant role in your workplace?
Ultimately though this is a decision you and your partner need to make together. Have you talked to him? What does he want to do?
posted by capricorn at 5:44 PM on August 18, 2013 [5 favorites]