"Friend" sets up girl friend & guy friend...then wants him for herself?!
July 7, 2013 9:59 AM Subscribe
"Stuck in high school" filter - And for that I apologize, but this boggles my mind!
I have two close female friends/coworkers, A and B. Friend A has a male friend, C, whom she has known for a few years. All involved are 30 yrs old and up, believe it or not :)
Friend A approached me recently about setting up B and C, who had never met. She named several reasons she thought they would like each other and I agreed. To avoid pressure and awkward feelings, she decided to get them both in the same place at the same time without telling either of them they were being set up.
A couple of weeks ago A invited both B and C to go out with a group of other people recently, and they actually did hit it off. Friend A texted me during and after this outing, telling me how well things were going and acted genuinely excited about it.
However, I have since learned that A was very flirtatious with C that night and has been liking and commenting on *all* of his Facebook statuses since, in addition to calling him at least once that I know of. (And no, they weren't that close before.)
Meanwhile in the 2 weeks after that first night, B and C stayed in (platonic) contact as C was traveling for work.
Fast forward to two nights ago: I went to a bar with B and some other people. C also showed up, followed by A, who had helped plan the night but was running late. When A arrived, B and C were already talking on the patio of the bar. Friend A came outside and said hi, then immediately went back inside, stayed there and avoided us for the rest of the night, and eventually left without saying goodbye - all of which is out of character for her.
Turns out A had called C and invited him to the bar without telling any of us, and she also rudely brushed past him when he tried to say hi to her inside the bar.
WHY on earth would someone set up two friends and then get upset when it actually works out? What possible motive could A have had in doing this? I just don't get it; I don't think I've ever known someone who has or would do something so...twisted. Any thoughts for me and/or advice for B is appreciated.
I have two close female friends/coworkers, A and B. Friend A has a male friend, C, whom she has known for a few years. All involved are 30 yrs old and up, believe it or not :)
Friend A approached me recently about setting up B and C, who had never met. She named several reasons she thought they would like each other and I agreed. To avoid pressure and awkward feelings, she decided to get them both in the same place at the same time without telling either of them they were being set up.
A couple of weeks ago A invited both B and C to go out with a group of other people recently, and they actually did hit it off. Friend A texted me during and after this outing, telling me how well things were going and acted genuinely excited about it.
However, I have since learned that A was very flirtatious with C that night and has been liking and commenting on *all* of his Facebook statuses since, in addition to calling him at least once that I know of. (And no, they weren't that close before.)
Meanwhile in the 2 weeks after that first night, B and C stayed in (platonic) contact as C was traveling for work.
Fast forward to two nights ago: I went to a bar with B and some other people. C also showed up, followed by A, who had helped plan the night but was running late. When A arrived, B and C were already talking on the patio of the bar. Friend A came outside and said hi, then immediately went back inside, stayed there and avoided us for the rest of the night, and eventually left without saying goodbye - all of which is out of character for her.
Turns out A had called C and invited him to the bar without telling any of us, and she also rudely brushed past him when he tried to say hi to her inside the bar.
WHY on earth would someone set up two friends and then get upset when it actually works out? What possible motive could A have had in doing this? I just don't get it; I don't think I've ever known someone who has or would do something so...twisted. Any thoughts for me and/or advice for B is appreciated.
I have this one friend who flirts and seeks attention from men who are off limits to her, as a coping mechanism when she's feeling insecure. It's something she seems totally un-self-aware of, too.
I also feel like some people think that setting up two friends will somehow win brownie points for them. Then when no attention comes their way, they get kind of butt-hurt about the whole thing. Again, something I've seen people do without any awareness that they are being this way, or that their motives had to do with status and winning and who is the queen bee of the social circle.
Also, TBH I'm not getting that anything even really came of B & C, or that A's behavior has specifically put anyone out. I'd chalk the whole thing up to "meh" and just move on with all your lives. Not everyone is 100% graceful all the time.
posted by Sara C. at 10:06 AM on July 7, 2013 [2 favorites]
I also feel like some people think that setting up two friends will somehow win brownie points for them. Then when no attention comes their way, they get kind of butt-hurt about the whole thing. Again, something I've seen people do without any awareness that they are being this way, or that their motives had to do with status and winning and who is the queen bee of the social circle.
Also, TBH I'm not getting that anything even really came of B & C, or that A's behavior has specifically put anyone out. I'd chalk the whole thing up to "meh" and just move on with all your lives. Not everyone is 100% graceful all the time.
posted by Sara C. at 10:06 AM on July 7, 2013 [2 favorites]
Why? Who knows.
Advice for you? Stop getting involved in A's little schemes. Don't respond to her texts about who likes who, change the subject when she talks about playing matchmaker.
Advice for B? Avoid drama with A. Be clear with C if she wants to date him. If he's interested in A or flattered by her attention, find someone else to date.
posted by Specklet at 10:07 AM on July 7, 2013 [3 favorites]
Advice for you? Stop getting involved in A's little schemes. Don't respond to her texts about who likes who, change the subject when she talks about playing matchmaker.
Advice for B? Avoid drama with A. Be clear with C if she wants to date him. If he's interested in A or flattered by her attention, find someone else to date.
posted by Specklet at 10:07 AM on July 7, 2013 [3 favorites]
This has nothing to do with you. Give it time and see what happens.
posted by oceanjesse at 10:07 AM on July 7, 2013 [8 favorites]
posted by oceanjesse at 10:07 AM on July 7, 2013 [8 favorites]
A is an insecure drama queen who likes feeling instrumental in other people's lives and only finds men attractive when they are 'taken' or admired by other women. B should do whatever she wants with regard to C; she's not constrained by A's neuroses.
You should marvel quietly at the histrionics of it all and thank a bunch of deities that you are not involved in any of this.
posted by yogalemon at 10:07 AM on July 7, 2013 [9 favorites]
You should marvel quietly at the histrionics of it all and thank a bunch of deities that you are not involved in any of this.
posted by yogalemon at 10:07 AM on July 7, 2013 [9 favorites]
It seems like it could be:
1- A didn't know she had feelings for C until she saw him hitting it off with B.
2- A secretly hoped C wouldn't like B, which would clear the path for her to swoop in.
3- A is super competitive and can't not get in the way of budding romance.
posted by gjc at 10:08 AM on July 7, 2013 [5 favorites]
1- A didn't know she had feelings for C until she saw him hitting it off with B.
2- A secretly hoped C wouldn't like B, which would clear the path for her to swoop in.
3- A is super competitive and can't not get in the way of budding romance.
posted by gjc at 10:08 AM on July 7, 2013 [5 favorites]
This is not "twisted" this is a woman who sets up two people only to discover she digs one of them. "Twisted" is what happens before a restraining order.
The fact she's not dealing with her sudden crush in a particularly adult way is not something either of the friends should take any notice of. You, as a close friend, should tell her she seems to suddenly be weird about B and C and ask her what's up.
posted by DarlingBri at 10:14 AM on July 7, 2013 [2 favorites]
The fact she's not dealing with her sudden crush in a particularly adult way is not something either of the friends should take any notice of. You, as a close friend, should tell her she seems to suddenly be weird about B and C and ask her what's up.
posted by DarlingBri at 10:14 AM on July 7, 2013 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks for the insightful answers...For those wondering why I'm "involved": There is a bit more background that I left out because it would have made the post far too long. Plus since A's scheme with B and C commenced, I have discovered that A is a backstabber; she betrayed me personally. It was very shocking and hurtful because we have been friends for a few years and I trusted her. (Sadly, confronting her is not an option for reasons I won't go into here.) So yeah, right now my head is reeling, trying to analyze her behavior, because she is not at all the person I thought she was.
posted by mhm407 at 10:20 AM on July 7, 2013
posted by mhm407 at 10:20 AM on July 7, 2013
B and C don't even know they were set up and aren't even dating? Who cares then. He's still a free agent. Clearly a twinge of jealousy made A recognize her own feelings about C. This is very no harm no foul to me.
Seeing your update I would get A out of your life if she's personally betrayed you, but this isn't the capital crime you seem to think it is.
posted by whoaali at 10:23 AM on July 7, 2013 [4 favorites]
Seeing your update I would get A out of your life if she's personally betrayed you, but this isn't the capital crime you seem to think it is.
posted by whoaali at 10:23 AM on July 7, 2013 [4 favorites]
Thanks for the update but my advice is still the same. You need to separate out whatever your issue is with A and deal with that. This other situation is minor and is not yours to solve. By all means cut off your friendship with A if you need to but getting involved in this little situation is not going to help anyone and will definitely increase the drama.
posted by Dorothia at 10:33 AM on July 7, 2013 [5 favorites]
posted by Dorothia at 10:33 AM on July 7, 2013 [5 favorites]
Your update changes nothing in terms of what your involvement (or lack thereof) should be.
As for trying to analyze her behavior, I understand being puzzled and drawn in to trying to figure out why someone could do all this. But no matter what the specific narrative details and motivation might wind up being, it will all almost certainly boil down to one thing: Friend A is in some way very messed up and unhappy, and instead of dealing with that in a productive way, it manifests in this particular (and unhealthy) way. That's it. There's no great mystery beyond that and -- more to the point -- there's no reward or happiness or resolution for you in trying to figure any of it out.
As you said, A is not the person you thought she was. It's really that simple. She's showing you who she is, and it's obviously not someone who behaves in a straightforward, trustworthy manner. That sucks, and I think there's nothing wrong with feeling hurt and even mourning the loss of the friend you thought she was. But staying wrapped up in the drama gains you nothing.
posted by scody at 10:44 AM on July 7, 2013 [4 favorites]
As for trying to analyze her behavior, I understand being puzzled and drawn in to trying to figure out why someone could do all this. But no matter what the specific narrative details and motivation might wind up being, it will all almost certainly boil down to one thing: Friend A is in some way very messed up and unhappy, and instead of dealing with that in a productive way, it manifests in this particular (and unhealthy) way. That's it. There's no great mystery beyond that and -- more to the point -- there's no reward or happiness or resolution for you in trying to figure any of it out.
As you said, A is not the person you thought she was. It's really that simple. She's showing you who she is, and it's obviously not someone who behaves in a straightforward, trustworthy manner. That sucks, and I think there's nothing wrong with feeling hurt and even mourning the loss of the friend you thought she was. But staying wrapped up in the drama gains you nothing.
posted by scody at 10:44 AM on July 7, 2013 [4 favorites]
Mod note: One comment deleted; I can appreciate feeling frustrated but this is not the place to vent that frustration. Please use the contact form if you'd like to discuss with a mod. Thanks.
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 11:11 AM on July 7, 2013
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 11:11 AM on July 7, 2013
A is probably a mess inside. Off the top of my head, I'd speculate that A wanted different things from both you and C than she felt she could ask for or maybe even articulate - she wanted her friendship with you to be different than it was (closer? more distant? you to treat her differently?), she actually wanted to go out with C but felt afraid of rejection or had some bizarre self-punishing thing going on. Maybe she's one of those people who can never let themselves ask for or have what they want, for whatever reason.
In this scenario, A sets C up with B because she cannot let herself ask him out/admit she likes him/whatever; she betrays you in whatever way because she can't bring herself to actually arrange your friendship in a way that she is comfortable with. If A is like this, it's probably a routine for her - a miserable routine, but one that is familiar and "safe".
What is the solution? Leave A alone and don't think about her more than you can help. If she's lucky, she'll get her act together and either do some serious and effective reflection or get therapy and manage to ask for what she wants in life. If not, then her life will just be repeats of this whole pattern, which is quite sad.
posted by Frowner at 11:19 AM on July 7, 2013 [2 favorites]
In this scenario, A sets C up with B because she cannot let herself ask him out/admit she likes him/whatever; she betrays you in whatever way because she can't bring herself to actually arrange your friendship in a way that she is comfortable with. If A is like this, it's probably a routine for her - a miserable routine, but one that is familiar and "safe".
What is the solution? Leave A alone and don't think about her more than you can help. If she's lucky, she'll get her act together and either do some serious and effective reflection or get therapy and manage to ask for what she wants in life. If not, then her life will just be repeats of this whole pattern, which is quite sad.
posted by Frowner at 11:19 AM on July 7, 2013 [2 favorites]
scody and frowner have it, I think. The only other thing you could maybe do, depending on the situation, is identify any clues that you missed that might have led to the "Who Does That/Oh Now I Know Who Does That" reveal more quickly -- and potentially save yourself this sort of hassle in the future.
posted by gnomeloaf at 11:22 AM on July 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by gnomeloaf at 11:22 AM on July 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
Yes, both from this and your later note A sounds like bad news. You appear to know that though.
posted by Space_Lady at 11:42 AM on July 7, 2013
posted by Space_Lady at 11:42 AM on July 7, 2013
I think it is OK to try to make sense of what is going on with a person when they behave in a way that doesn't seem to make sense. Forming a theory to explain a strange social situation is not necessarily the same as "getting involved." The caveat (and this is a general caveat, not a comment on anything you've said, mhm407) is that you have to keep in mind that your theory is just a theory and there may be lots of relevant information about the other person that you just don't know.
Here's my guess—just a guess—what's going on with A. Some people have a really poor sense of the separation between their own feelings & lives and other people's feelings & lives. It may be that when A experiences a feeling, especially if it is in some way troubling to her, she attributes the feeling to someone else. (For example, she's subconsciously in love with C, but imagines a romance between B and C instead of allowing herself to feel the emotion.) Or it may be that A sees other people as an extension of herself, and she tries to get other people to play out the scenarios that she imagines; if the other people go off-script or sort of run away with the scenario, she withdraws or even "punishes" the people involved. Maybe when she saw B and C hitting it off she suddenly realized she was no longer in control or the main character in the story, and she didn't like that.
A may act normally as long as everyone else appears to be going along with her plan, or as long as she's not experiencing any strong or troubling emotions. But when a situation arises that troubles her for some reason, she may have difficulty empathizing with other people and accepting that they have their separate, equally valid, lives to live.
Again, this is just a guess based on knowing very little about the people involved. My only advice is to proceed with caution around A and avoid placing great trust in her.
posted by Orinda at 11:49 AM on July 7, 2013 [5 favorites]
Here's my guess—just a guess—what's going on with A. Some people have a really poor sense of the separation between their own feelings & lives and other people's feelings & lives. It may be that when A experiences a feeling, especially if it is in some way troubling to her, she attributes the feeling to someone else. (For example, she's subconsciously in love with C, but imagines a romance between B and C instead of allowing herself to feel the emotion.) Or it may be that A sees other people as an extension of herself, and she tries to get other people to play out the scenarios that she imagines; if the other people go off-script or sort of run away with the scenario, she withdraws or even "punishes" the people involved. Maybe when she saw B and C hitting it off she suddenly realized she was no longer in control or the main character in the story, and she didn't like that.
A may act normally as long as everyone else appears to be going along with her plan, or as long as she's not experiencing any strong or troubling emotions. But when a situation arises that troubles her for some reason, she may have difficulty empathizing with other people and accepting that they have their separate, equally valid, lives to live.
Again, this is just a guess based on knowing very little about the people involved. My only advice is to proceed with caution around A and avoid placing great trust in her.
posted by Orinda at 11:49 AM on July 7, 2013 [5 favorites]
I think you should be less concerned as to why A is acting this way with respect to B and C, and more concerned that she has proven to be a betraying backstabber to you personally and is a coworker.
My advice is to stay as far away as possible from the B and C drama. It's personal crap that B and C can deal with it on their own.
I think your update sort of answers your own question. A was your friend but betrayed/backstabbed you. She's now behaving unreasonably towards B and C. Who knows why? Stay as far away as you can in both your personal life and work life with A. She's not your friend.
posted by Snazzy67 at 12:38 PM on July 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
My advice is to stay as far away as possible from the B and C drama. It's personal crap that B and C can deal with it on their own.
I think your update sort of answers your own question. A was your friend but betrayed/backstabbed you. She's now behaving unreasonably towards B and C. Who knows why? Stay as far away as you can in both your personal life and work life with A. She's not your friend.
posted by Snazzy67 at 12:38 PM on July 7, 2013 [1 favorite]
A's gonna A. B and C should keep calm and carry on. You should buy popcorn and be a spectator, not a participant. Deal with A separately about the issue between you two.
posted by ctmf at 1:56 PM on July 7, 2013
posted by ctmf at 1:56 PM on July 7, 2013
Fast forward to two nights ago: I went to a bar with B and some other people. C also showed up, followed by A, who had helped plan the night but was running late. When A arrived, B and C were already talking on the patio of the bar. Friend A came outside and said hi, then immediately went back inside, stayed there and avoided us for the rest of the night, and eventually left without saying goodbye - all of which is out of character for her.Nothing here links A acting differently on that night to B & C. Maybe A was less social because of something else in her life. If it's something minor like "did not hang out with me at the bar" and your choices involve assuming it's about something involving you and getting upset or assuming that it was some unfortunate coincidence having nothing to do with you and relaxing, then always choose the second one.
Turns out A had called C and invited him to the bar without telling any of us, and she also rudely brushed past him when he tried to say hi to her inside the bar.
posted by anaelith at 2:02 PM on July 7, 2013 [3 favorites]
I think the guy in this situation gets to decide who he wants. And you should stay out of it.
posted by discopolo at 6:08 PM on July 7, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by discopolo at 6:08 PM on July 7, 2013 [2 favorites]
So yeah, right now my head is reeling, trying to analyze her behavior
You're not paid enough to be A's therapist.
posted by flabdablet at 6:55 PM on July 7, 2013 [2 favorites]
You're not paid enough to be A's therapist.
posted by flabdablet at 6:55 PM on July 7, 2013 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
B should carry on as she was if she likes this guy. You should definitely stay out of it and stop speculating.
posted by Dorothia at 10:05 AM on July 7, 2013 [13 favorites]