Wise and witty words about balding.

June 7, 2013 2:07 AM

I don't have as much hair as I used to, and I understand this is not uncommon! It seems like the sort of thing Updike would have written about, or some other self-reflective male writer of a certain age, and I'd like to be able to read (and ideally quote) something well-written or epigrammatic for when the subject comes up.

I'm ideally concerned with my current stage (past plausible deniability, but not straight-up tonsured as yet), but anything that doesn't apply yet is welcome too... after all, it's only a matter of time!

posted by piato to Writing & Language (34 answers total)

"'Tis years of sorrow and of care
Have made his head come through his hair"

could be readily adapted for a cheap laugh, which is always good. From Ruthless Rhymes for Heartless Homes by Harry Graham. OK, Updike it's not.
posted by Grunyon at 2:34 AM on June 7, 2013

"I'm not losing my hair. It's just slipped down my front/back"
posted by MuffinMan at 2:39 AM on June 7, 2013

A beautiful face needs lots of space.
posted by jazh at 2:52 AM on June 7, 2013 [1 favorite]

It's not a bald spot, it's a solar panel for a sex machine.
posted by Jacqueline at 3:25 AM on June 7, 2013 [12 favorites]

You could always remind people about Captain Picard from Star Trek, who is generally regarded as handsome and attractive, and who baldly goes where no one has gone before.
posted by Too-Ticky at 3:28 AM on June 7, 2013 [2 favorites]

Baldness is caused by testosterone, so it's manly.
posted by thermonuclear.jive.turkey at 3:30 AM on June 7, 2013 [2 favorites]

"Hair today, gone tomorrow!'

"It's not a hair-do, it's a hair don't!"

[in the nicest possible way]
posted by honey-barbara at 3:44 AM on June 7, 2013

Nobody is happy with what's on their head. People with straight hair want curly, people with curly want straight, and bald people want everyone to be blind.
-- Rita Rudner
posted by Mchelly at 3:45 AM on June 7, 2013

"I still have hair, but it's on the inside."

"Hey, at least I still have the same amount of hair I did at 23!"
posted by Rob Rockets at 3:56 AM on June 7, 2013

Response by poster: Thanks everyone! Please keep them coming.

FWIW I'm as much looking for sad paragraphs as happy/defiant quips - I'm pretty okay with my fading follicles, and I'd like to be able to sound wistful on occasions where an upbeat tone suits the conversation less well.
posted by piato at 4:15 AM on June 7, 2013

My very, very bright step-brother used to say, "It's because I'm highly evolved". I loved that. Not sad, but stinging and factual.
posted by taff at 4:31 AM on June 7, 2013 [1 favorite]

"Everybody knows it's testosterone
that turns a bushy haired man
into a chrome-dome"

From Bald Headed Men. Other good lyrics in there too!
posted by pianissimo at 5:26 AM on June 7, 2013

Why sound wistful? Own it. I did so by shaving it. If you do, you can quip, "you can't quit - you're fired!"
posted by Tanizaki at 5:29 AM on June 7, 2013 [2 favorites]

"God made only a few perfect heads. The rest He covered with hair." NB My father, a forthright atheist, used to say this.
posted by carmicha at 5:30 AM on June 7, 2013 [3 favorites]

My husband answers "Clear" when asked his hair color.
posted by auntie maim at 5:47 AM on June 7, 2013 [8 favorites]

Or, following on auntie maim: tell 'em you dyed it transparent.
posted by Sublimity at 6:00 AM on June 7, 2013

I tell folks my bald spot is the most realistic tat EVAR.

Really, bald isn't a character problem for the bald. It's a character problem for those to whom it matters. It's how some people look.

And frankly, if it weren't so damned desirable, please explain waxing pubes?

QED.
posted by FauxScot at 6:19 AM on June 7, 2013

You go bald rather than gray when hair choses suicide over dishonor.
posted by Dr Dracator at 6:26 AM on June 7, 2013 [7 favorites]

Somebody over on Reddit said of someone who was balding that "they were so awesome, they grew more face than hair".
posted by LN at 6:28 AM on June 7, 2013

It shrunk when you washed it.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 6:36 AM on June 7, 2013

A man I worked with years ago used to say that he wasn't wasting his hormones growing hair.
posted by plinth at 7:16 AM on June 7, 2013

I point to the nubs of my ears and say that my redistribution project is coming along nicely.
posted by carsonb at 7:29 AM on June 7, 2013 [1 favorite]

I was upset for a while when I realized I was balding, but I decided not to tear my hair out about it.
posted by carsonb at 7:31 AM on June 7, 2013

In this vale
Of toil and sin
Your head goes bald
But not your chin
Burma Shave.
posted by reren at 7:39 AM on June 7, 2013 [1 favorite]

Jacqueline: "It's not a bald spot, it's a solar panel for a sex machine."

Little Village, "Solar Sex Panel"
posted by SuperSquirrel at 8:15 AM on June 7, 2013

John Glenn is alleged to have said "The good Lord only gave men so many hormones, and if others want to waste theirs on growing hair, that's up to them".
posted by dilettante at 8:25 AM on June 7, 2013

Not sure how old you are but the one I came up with to deal with the same thing since I grew up in the 80's is:

"The 80's aren't coming back and neither is my hair."
posted by dukes909 at 9:28 AM on June 7, 2013

I'm not balding, I'm just growing out my forehead.
posted by kaefer at 9:50 AM on June 7, 2013

The more hair you lose, the more head you get.
posted by It's Never Lurgi at 10:16 AM on June 7, 2013 [1 favorite]

Sean Connery began losing his hair at age 21. He is widely viewed as one of the sexiest men in the world. IIRC, he was quoted somewhere as saying "It's not the hair on your head. It's the hair on your chest that counts."

I could not find it but I did find this movie snippet from him:

[Being bathed by Tanaka's women]

Tiger Tanaka: You know what it is about you that fascinates them, don't you? It's the hair on your chest. Japanese men all have beautiful bare skin.
James Bond: Japanese proverb say, "Bird never make nest in bare tree."

(Fwiw, I am not a fan of bald heads or hairy chests and I think this man rocks. Maybe it's the 'tude. If so, definitely borrow a bit of his.)
posted by Michele in California at 11:46 AM on June 7, 2013 [1 favorite]

My grandfather used to tell me "Grass doesn't grow on busy streets."
posted by PSB at 12:29 PM on June 7, 2013

Argh, darn it...read the whole way down and PSB had the one I was going to add.

I'll contribute another good one I saw on a commercial a few years back. An adult son and his 50s-ish father were working in the yard. The son makes some quip about his dad's hair loss. To which Dad replies "I had it when I needed it."

*SNAP, Junior!*
posted by darkstar at 3:00 PM on June 7, 2013

Why sound wistful? Own it. I did so by shaving it. If you do, you can quip, "you can't quit - you're fired!"

Or, as I say "My hair and I never got along, so I divorced it."
posted by General Tonic at 7:31 AM on June 8, 2013 [2 favorites]

When I was a little kid I met a old bald black woman from the south, and she told me that a hairy scalp was like a swamp...she's drained her's and poured her foundation...(implying how her foundation was built for Heaven-she also lived surrounded by swamp).

I dated a older, rugged guy in my younger years who was bald and he'd always say hair is for hippy's and girls. Real men have skulls.
posted by QueerAngel28 at 1:58 PM on June 20, 2013