How to gently let down a 'friend'
June 3, 2013 5:38 AM Subscribe
I've been 'friends' with a woman for just under a year and am finding it difficult to maintain the friendship she is very needy.
As above I've know my 'friend' who I'll call Abby for just over a year. We met through work and had a great laugh in the office. She moved away and was gone for nearly 8 months in which time I didn't really hear from her as it was over 8 hours away. She got back a couple of months ago and since then I've seen her about 5 times for coffee and a couple of times for drinks after work.
She's unhappy in her marriage and I've listened and listened and given what advice I could but the marriage is definately on it's last legs. Now she wants me to go out with her on Saturdays to the local pubs and nightclubs. I'm just NOT interested and have said that it's not my scene.
She seems to ignore this and last time I saw her she said that although she knows I'm busy we'll arrange to go out soon and she can't wait etc etc.
She's phoned me 6 times over the weekend and I've not returned her calls.
I don't know if it's best to just ignore her or to call and make excuses. I didn't mind meeting for coffee during the day but when we were out at night she ended up all over a guy and I really can't be bothered with that. She's definately on the lookout for another man and she's admitted this to me - although she is still living with her husband.
We're both in our mid fifties and married and I have plenty going on in my own life. I did help and listen to her when she was going through her bad patch but I feel like I just want to end the friendship gently - e.g. If I see her in the street I'd hate it to be awkward.
How do you think the best way is to deal with this situation. Thanks in advance.
As above I've know my 'friend' who I'll call Abby for just over a year. We met through work and had a great laugh in the office. She moved away and was gone for nearly 8 months in which time I didn't really hear from her as it was over 8 hours away. She got back a couple of months ago and since then I've seen her about 5 times for coffee and a couple of times for drinks after work.
She's unhappy in her marriage and I've listened and listened and given what advice I could but the marriage is definately on it's last legs. Now she wants me to go out with her on Saturdays to the local pubs and nightclubs. I'm just NOT interested and have said that it's not my scene.
She seems to ignore this and last time I saw her she said that although she knows I'm busy we'll arrange to go out soon and she can't wait etc etc.
She's phoned me 6 times over the weekend and I've not returned her calls.
I don't know if it's best to just ignore her or to call and make excuses. I didn't mind meeting for coffee during the day but when we were out at night she ended up all over a guy and I really can't be bothered with that. She's definately on the lookout for another man and she's admitted this to me - although she is still living with her husband.
We're both in our mid fifties and married and I have plenty going on in my own life. I did help and listen to her when she was going through her bad patch but I feel like I just want to end the friendship gently - e.g. If I see her in the street I'd hate it to be awkward.
How do you think the best way is to deal with this situation. Thanks in advance.
She wants you to be her cover for what she tells her husband why she is going out on a Saturday night. Meh. Tell her that going to bars and partying is not what you do with your partner on a Saturday night, but you would be glad to meet her for coffee most afternoons.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 5:56 AM on June 3, 2013
posted by JohnnyGunn at 5:56 AM on June 3, 2013
Agree with Unified Theory. You could add "I'm happily married and" to "it's just not my scene." That should do the trick.
In my experience, people like Abby are more interested in not going out to the pub alone than in having the company of anyone in particular. Once she realizes that you are not going to fulfill this function for her, she will move on.
posted by rpfields at 5:58 AM on June 3, 2013 [6 favorites]
In my experience, people like Abby are more interested in not going out to the pub alone than in having the company of anyone in particular. Once she realizes that you are not going to fulfill this function for her, she will move on.
posted by rpfields at 5:58 AM on June 3, 2013 [6 favorites]
I think you handled it very well. You told her no and now you are ignoring her calls. You don't seem to want to be her friend at all. It is a difficult time for her. You won't be the worst thing that has happened to her this week. Continue to ignore and eventually she will go away.
Another option would be to ask her to meet for coffee. Let her know that you think very highly of her but you cannot maintain the same level of friendship as before. Let her know in no uncertain terms that you will not be the wing man to a married woman. Wish her luck and pay for the coffee. If you wish to continue the friendship on your terms then, do. If not, don't. Her entire life is falling apart, you won't be the worst thing that has happened to her this week.
posted by myselfasme at 5:58 AM on June 3, 2013
Another option would be to ask her to meet for coffee. Let her know that you think very highly of her but you cannot maintain the same level of friendship as before. Let her know in no uncertain terms that you will not be the wing man to a married woman. Wish her luck and pay for the coffee. If you wish to continue the friendship on your terms then, do. If not, don't. Her entire life is falling apart, you won't be the worst thing that has happened to her this week.
posted by myselfasme at 5:58 AM on June 3, 2013
I think it's okay to stay friends with Abby, if you like her and enjoy her on an occasional basis.
It's not rude to stand your ground. When she calls to ask you to go out, simply say, "No thanks, that's so not my scene. Have fun though!"
She may push, and you can push back, "Abby, I know you're starting a new chapter of your life, and I applaud you, but I'm married and a home-body so I can't be your running buddy. I really do wish you well, but I can't be your partner in crime."
Throw her a bone occasionally, meet for coffee or go shopping together.
Now, if you really don't want anything to do with her, then be honest, "Abby, you're a nice person and all, but I don't feel like we have anything in common any more." Just leave it at that. Do it in an email. It's chicken shit, but really, there's nothing to talk about.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:00 AM on June 3, 2013 [9 favorites]
It's not rude to stand your ground. When she calls to ask you to go out, simply say, "No thanks, that's so not my scene. Have fun though!"
She may push, and you can push back, "Abby, I know you're starting a new chapter of your life, and I applaud you, but I'm married and a home-body so I can't be your running buddy. I really do wish you well, but I can't be your partner in crime."
Throw her a bone occasionally, meet for coffee or go shopping together.
Now, if you really don't want anything to do with her, then be honest, "Abby, you're a nice person and all, but I don't feel like we have anything in common any more." Just leave it at that. Do it in an email. It's chicken shit, but really, there's nothing to talk about.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:00 AM on June 3, 2013 [9 favorites]
Rather than saying that it isn't your scene (which people can understand to mean different things) I would be very clear and explicit.
"No, I am really not interested in going on out the weekends. I have never enjoyed going to nightclubs and pubs, even when I was younger, and I really have no interest now. And to be honest, the weekends is when my husband and I like to spend time together."
Do you know of anyone who might want to go out with her as her wingman?
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 6:02 AM on June 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
"No, I am really not interested in going on out the weekends. I have never enjoyed going to nightclubs and pubs, even when I was younger, and I really have no interest now. And to be honest, the weekends is when my husband and I like to spend time together."
Do you know of anyone who might want to go out with her as her wingman?
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 6:02 AM on June 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
"Listen, I know you're really unhappy in your marriage and I don't mind being the friend you lean on over coffee, but I can't be your going out friend - I'm happily married and I just have no interest or energy for the kind of going out I did when I was single."
That's a perfectly reasonable thing to say - and if she freaks, the situation resolves itself as you will no longer be friends.
posted by DarlingBri at 6:03 AM on June 3, 2013 [12 favorites]
That's a perfectly reasonable thing to say - and if she freaks, the situation resolves itself as you will no longer be friends.
posted by DarlingBri at 6:03 AM on June 3, 2013 [12 favorites]
I think it might be easier and give you more control if you ask her out for coffee instead. Like, "no, not my scene. I'm pretty busy at the moment but how about coffee next Monday/in two weeks?" Space it out. Aim for seeing her at a pace you can stomach, like once a month or so. Let it become the new normal.
Don't explain yourself. You know how people have that one relative who is "oh, that's just aunt Gertrude, she doesn't do birthdays / go out after 8 pm / have lunch dates etc"? Be that person. You don't hit the bars. That's just you.
posted by Omnomnom at 6:22 AM on June 3, 2013 [2 favorites]
Don't explain yourself. You know how people have that one relative who is "oh, that's just aunt Gertrude, she doesn't do birthdays / go out after 8 pm / have lunch dates etc"? Be that person. You don't hit the bars. That's just you.
posted by Omnomnom at 6:22 AM on June 3, 2013 [2 favorites]
Can you clarify, do you actually just want to end the friendship entirely, or would you want to be her friend if you could get rid of the incessant complaining and pestering to go clubbing? That is, if you could just see this woman for coffee and talk about something other than her terrible marriage, would you enjoy that, or do you actually just want this woman out of your life because you have nothing in common with her?
posted by decathecting at 6:27 AM on June 3, 2013
posted by decathecting at 6:27 AM on June 3, 2013
You could respond over email or when you see Abby with "I'm sorry but I'm busy on weekends these days because hobby is so engrossing/wife has more time to spend with me/extended family is being prioritized."
That sends a signal that you're unavailable indefinitely and may make things less awkward.
Really, though, you don't owe her an explanation and just resolving not to feel awkward about the situation when you next meet her is the most important aspect of avoiding the feeling. Her immature behavior would put a lot of people off - it isn't your fault or your problem.
posted by airing nerdy laundry at 7:04 AM on June 3, 2013
That sends a signal that you're unavailable indefinitely and may make things less awkward.
Really, though, you don't owe her an explanation and just resolving not to feel awkward about the situation when you next meet her is the most important aspect of avoiding the feeling. Her immature behavior would put a lot of people off - it isn't your fault or your problem.
posted by airing nerdy laundry at 7:04 AM on June 3, 2013
She called you six times in a row without taking the hint? And she's looking to cheat on her husband and use you as a cover?? Geezus.
You have nothing to feel awkward about!!
Continue to ignore her. Be polite if you see her in the street. She's a train wreck and you should keep well back.
Don't suggest coffee if you don't like her anymore. You can't fix her poor life choices, so there's not much for you to do other than remain polite while deflecting drama and future invitations to hang out.
posted by jbenben at 8:11 AM on June 3, 2013 [3 favorites]
You have nothing to feel awkward about!!
Continue to ignore her. Be polite if you see her in the street. She's a train wreck and you should keep well back.
Don't suggest coffee if you don't like her anymore. You can't fix her poor life choices, so there's not much for you to do other than remain polite while deflecting drama and future invitations to hang out.
posted by jbenben at 8:11 AM on June 3, 2013 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks for all your replies decatheting - Yes you're right I don't want to be friends anymore but I don't want to hurt her feelings.
I think I'm gonna be a coward and just not return her calls. I feel a bit rotten but maybe it's best in the long run to do it that way than try to give an explanation.
posted by Flowerpower at 9:56 AM on June 3, 2013
I think I'm gonna be a coward and just not return her calls. I feel a bit rotten but maybe it's best in the long run to do it that way than try to give an explanation.
posted by Flowerpower at 9:56 AM on June 3, 2013
If she doesn't get the hint after a few days of no call-backs, then you might have to say some of the things suggested above, unfortunately. Some people just don't get it or don't care that you don't want to hang out.
It seems you don't have any hurt feelings from her, you are just annoyed, so you can be kind and heartfelt and wish her luck, but that you would like to move on from the friendship or that you don't have activities in common anymore.
posted by Crystalinne at 10:06 AM on June 3, 2013
It seems you don't have any hurt feelings from her, you are just annoyed, so you can be kind and heartfelt and wish her luck, but that you would like to move on from the friendship or that you don't have activities in common anymore.
posted by Crystalinne at 10:06 AM on June 3, 2013
I think just randomly never talking to her again is actually pretty unkind and will hurt her feelings more in the long run -- an inexplicable fade-out between friends is rough, because she will be wondering what happened.
Why don't you just say, "As I said, I really am not into the nightclub thing, so count me out for that. But let's do coffee once things have calmed down," and leave it vague. You can even email it to her. But if your desire is for things not to end awkwardly, just randomly never speaking to her again (from her perspective) is going to cause more problems than anything else.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 10:14 AM on June 3, 2013
Why don't you just say, "As I said, I really am not into the nightclub thing, so count me out for that. But let's do coffee once things have calmed down," and leave it vague. You can even email it to her. But if your desire is for things not to end awkwardly, just randomly never speaking to her again (from her perspective) is going to cause more problems than anything else.
posted by Countess Sandwich at 10:14 AM on June 3, 2013
Can you email her? I just hate the idea of you dumping her with no explanation.
Here's what I'd write, "Dear Abby, I'm sorry I keep missing your calls, I'm very busy these days and I'm not around much. I know you're starting a new chapter of your life, and I applaud you, but I'm married and a home-body so I can't be your running buddy. I really do wish you well, but I can't be your partner in crime any more."
(I just added a couple of sentences to what I originally suggested.)
After sending, you can totally ignore her. I think closure is a good thing for some people and clearly she's not taking the hint.
Sorry you're in this situation.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 10:58 AM on June 3, 2013 [2 favorites]
Here's what I'd write, "Dear Abby, I'm sorry I keep missing your calls, I'm very busy these days and I'm not around much. I know you're starting a new chapter of your life, and I applaud you, but I'm married and a home-body so I can't be your running buddy. I really do wish you well, but I can't be your partner in crime any more."
(I just added a couple of sentences to what I originally suggested.)
After sending, you can totally ignore her. I think closure is a good thing for some people and clearly she's not taking the hint.
Sorry you're in this situation.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 10:58 AM on June 3, 2013 [2 favorites]
I feel a bit rotten but maybe it's best in the long run to do it that way than try to give an explanation.
It's not best, it's just easiest in the short term. Longer term, she's going to be bewildered at a minimum, and you're going to feel like a heel. I'd follow Ruthless Bunny's advice and at least give her a heads up before your ditch and ignore. Or try a more pointed version of what I suggested:
"Listen, I know you're really unhappy in your marriage but I can't be your going out friend - I'm happily married and I just have no interest or energy for that."
posted by DarlingBri at 12:13 PM on June 3, 2013
It's not best, it's just easiest in the short term. Longer term, she's going to be bewildered at a minimum, and you're going to feel like a heel. I'd follow Ruthless Bunny's advice and at least give her a heads up before your ditch and ignore. Or try a more pointed version of what I suggested:
"Listen, I know you're really unhappy in your marriage but I can't be your going out friend - I'm happily married and I just have no interest or energy for that."
posted by DarlingBri at 12:13 PM on June 3, 2013
Wait. I'm sorry. I jumped the gun about ignoring her.
I think what I meant to convey was that you should ignore her phone calls and invitations with a clear conscience long term, since it seems she isn't someone you want to be close with.
Currently, you should probably return one of her six phone calls from this weekend, if just to acknowledge that she's a human being.
You don't have to give excuses about why you did not call her back, you can just say you were busy and this is your first chance to phone back. You don't have to break-up with her in this phone call. You can be non-committal and vague about future plans.
Once you get that task over with, yeah, then you can pull back entirely. I get it. I wouldn't want to be friends with her, either.
posted by jbenben at 2:41 PM on June 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
I think what I meant to convey was that you should ignore her phone calls and invitations with a clear conscience long term, since it seems she isn't someone you want to be close with.
Currently, you should probably return one of her six phone calls from this weekend, if just to acknowledge that she's a human being.
You don't have to give excuses about why you did not call her back, you can just say you were busy and this is your first chance to phone back. You don't have to break-up with her in this phone call. You can be non-committal and vague about future plans.
Once you get that task over with, yeah, then you can pull back entirely. I get it. I wouldn't want to be friends with her, either.
posted by jbenben at 2:41 PM on June 3, 2013 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
I'm just NOT interested and have said that it's not my scene.
posted by Unified Theory at 5:45 AM on June 3, 2013 [2 favorites]