Aged, Poor and Stubborn
May 22, 2013 2:00 PM Subscribe
How can an adult child help an elderly parent (age 80) who lives below the poverty level but is against/afraid of applying for assistance? (prepare for tl;dr details inside)
The backstory: My Dad retired in 1973 while in his early 40s because his plant closed and he had a "30 and out" union contract. Nevertheless, his monthly pension was $477 (after taxes), which was technically poverty level at that time, but Dad didn't think so. It was always someone else's fault - gas shouldn't cost 50 cents a gallon, there's no reason a loaf of bread should be X amount, etc etc. He was probably technically delusional or some other mental health diagnosis, but whatever. I started working at age 16 in an office (time release thing from high school) to earn money to help buy stuff Dad's pension wasn't supplying. I also lived at home long after the traditional age because Mom relied on my income for essentials and I couldn't afford to live on my own and pay her various bills.
I've long since married and moved out of the family home, but I still gave my Mom some $$ (no set amount) every few weeks when I visited to help her out, as did my brother. But within the past two years my employment/living situation has changed, as has my brother's, and we cannot afford to to give her as much as before. (She never outright asked for money, mind you, and was always reluctant to accept it [sometimes I had to slip it into her purse when she wasn't looking], but she always profusely thanked me for it and reciprocated in her own way.) Anyway, since my Dad died two years ago, her Social Security has been cut down, and she frequently mentions in emails that the heat/humidity are making her feel sick, but she won't run the air conditioning because that jacks up the electric bill to $200/month. Or she'll get a cash advance on her credit card to pay for new eyeglasses, car insurance, property taxes and other things that her monthly check won't cover, and then she frets about the interest.
Her income is less than $10,000 per year, so she certainly should qualify for one or more forms of government assistance (food stamps, etc). But she adamantly refuses every time I suggest it, for two reasons....first, she insists that it would require her to fill out forms with all sorts of personal information and the government will "get all in her business" (she *has* no business, nothing to hide, nothing untoward in her history, no hidden bank accounts, etc), and second, she sort of implies that it's "bad" or beneath her (for lack of a better term) to go on assistance. She'll comment to me "I was buying X at the grocery store yesterday, and the woman in front of me in line was using food stamps," as if it was a bad thing. But Mom forgoes a lot of basics while grocery shopping because she won't consider public assistance due to some sort of personal altruistic mindset known only to her. She also thinks that if she applies for "welfare" they will first make her sell her house (because it is paid for). (If she *were* to sell her house, she wouldn't get nearly what was originally paid for it....the neighborhood has "changed" in recent years, as they say....houses in her neighborhood that sold for $40,000 in 1995 are going for $20,000 or less today. Many neighbors are just posting "for sale" signs and leaving the property empty.) She keeps talking about "if I could only get a job...." except for her pancreatitis that frequently causes her debilitating pain and prevents her from leaving the house... (not to mention most employers unwilling to hire an octogenarian)...
The only plus point in her favor is Dad's UAW Blue Cross contract is very good as far as health insurance goes, so at least major medical/hospital costs/prescriptions aren't an issue. But other than that, she is struggling and I want to help her somehow. If I convince her to fill out applications for, say, food stamps and SSDI, will a caseworker actually come to her home? Can all of that be done via mail/email? From a cursory look online, it seems that the only utility bill assistance available in Michigan is for heating, not cooling. Any other ideas as to what services are available to Mom? And can I truthfully tell her that applying for same won't majorly invade her privacy or have strangers pop in unannounced to inspect her house/living conditions?
The backstory: My Dad retired in 1973 while in his early 40s because his plant closed and he had a "30 and out" union contract. Nevertheless, his monthly pension was $477 (after taxes), which was technically poverty level at that time, but Dad didn't think so. It was always someone else's fault - gas shouldn't cost 50 cents a gallon, there's no reason a loaf of bread should be X amount, etc etc. He was probably technically delusional or some other mental health diagnosis, but whatever. I started working at age 16 in an office (time release thing from high school) to earn money to help buy stuff Dad's pension wasn't supplying. I also lived at home long after the traditional age because Mom relied on my income for essentials and I couldn't afford to live on my own and pay her various bills.
I've long since married and moved out of the family home, but I still gave my Mom some $$ (no set amount) every few weeks when I visited to help her out, as did my brother. But within the past two years my employment/living situation has changed, as has my brother's, and we cannot afford to to give her as much as before. (She never outright asked for money, mind you, and was always reluctant to accept it [sometimes I had to slip it into her purse when she wasn't looking], but she always profusely thanked me for it and reciprocated in her own way.) Anyway, since my Dad died two years ago, her Social Security has been cut down, and she frequently mentions in emails that the heat/humidity are making her feel sick, but she won't run the air conditioning because that jacks up the electric bill to $200/month. Or she'll get a cash advance on her credit card to pay for new eyeglasses, car insurance, property taxes and other things that her monthly check won't cover, and then she frets about the interest.
Her income is less than $10,000 per year, so she certainly should qualify for one or more forms of government assistance (food stamps, etc). But she adamantly refuses every time I suggest it, for two reasons....first, she insists that it would require her to fill out forms with all sorts of personal information and the government will "get all in her business" (she *has* no business, nothing to hide, nothing untoward in her history, no hidden bank accounts, etc), and second, she sort of implies that it's "bad" or beneath her (for lack of a better term) to go on assistance. She'll comment to me "I was buying X at the grocery store yesterday, and the woman in front of me in line was using food stamps," as if it was a bad thing. But Mom forgoes a lot of basics while grocery shopping because she won't consider public assistance due to some sort of personal altruistic mindset known only to her. She also thinks that if she applies for "welfare" they will first make her sell her house (because it is paid for). (If she *were* to sell her house, she wouldn't get nearly what was originally paid for it....the neighborhood has "changed" in recent years, as they say....houses in her neighborhood that sold for $40,000 in 1995 are going for $20,000 or less today. Many neighbors are just posting "for sale" signs and leaving the property empty.) She keeps talking about "if I could only get a job...." except for her pancreatitis that frequently causes her debilitating pain and prevents her from leaving the house... (not to mention most employers unwilling to hire an octogenarian)...
The only plus point in her favor is Dad's UAW Blue Cross contract is very good as far as health insurance goes, so at least major medical/hospital costs/prescriptions aren't an issue. But other than that, she is struggling and I want to help her somehow. If I convince her to fill out applications for, say, food stamps and SSDI, will a caseworker actually come to her home? Can all of that be done via mail/email? From a cursory look online, it seems that the only utility bill assistance available in Michigan is for heating, not cooling. Any other ideas as to what services are available to Mom? And can I truthfully tell her that applying for same won't majorly invade her privacy or have strangers pop in unannounced to inspect her house/living conditions?
Response by poster: Where in Michigan is your mom located?
Warren, just north of Detroit. Literally two blocks north of Eight Mile Road.
posted by Oriole Adams at 2:06 PM on May 22, 2013
Warren, just north of Detroit. Literally two blocks north of Eight Mile Road.
posted by Oriole Adams at 2:06 PM on May 22, 2013
Here's the main page for Michigan's Food Assistance Program, but it won't help much if she's being stubborn. It would be better to see if there's an outreach program in her county.
This is a county map of Michigan outreach programs for the Food Assistance Program.
Do you think her difficulties with shopping might qualify her for Meals on Wheels?
posted by elsietheeel at 2:10 PM on May 22, 2013
This is a county map of Michigan outreach programs for the Food Assistance Program.
Do you think her difficulties with shopping might qualify her for Meals on Wheels?
posted by elsietheeel at 2:10 PM on May 22, 2013
Okay, here's what I think. I think your Mom may be eligible for all kinds of assistance, and since she and your Dad paid into it, she should be pulling out of it.
Is she getting your Dad's death benefit? Is she getting his pension? If not, why not?
Here's a website that will help you help your Mom get what she's entitled to.
It may make sense for her to get out of her house (especailly if she can't afford to cool it or to keep it up) and instead go into special housing for the elderly. A small apartment in a community where folks can look in on her and where there are activities and rides to the store and whatnot. It can be quit deeded to you or your brother, if you want it. But for sure, you need to get with someone who will help guide you and your Mom through the assistance she's entitled to.
Both you and your brother should sit down with your Mom and have a "come to Jesus" talk with her. "Mom, we're worried about you. We want your golden years to be worry free and fun, not full of fear, hunger and dread. This neighborhood has changed, you're not getting enough high-quality food and you're scraping by, and it's hard for us to watch. I wish we could help you out, but we're just getting by ourselves. You have worked hard all of your life, PLEASE come with me, meet with someone who is here to help you find the assstance that you have paid for and are ENTITLED to. It's not welfare, it's not charity, it's benefits that you have earned throughout your working life. If you won't do it for yourself, do it for us."
Then drag her down there by her hair.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 2:23 PM on May 22, 2013 [7 favorites]
Is she getting your Dad's death benefit? Is she getting his pension? If not, why not?
Here's a website that will help you help your Mom get what she's entitled to.
It may make sense for her to get out of her house (especailly if she can't afford to cool it or to keep it up) and instead go into special housing for the elderly. A small apartment in a community where folks can look in on her and where there are activities and rides to the store and whatnot. It can be quit deeded to you or your brother, if you want it. But for sure, you need to get with someone who will help guide you and your Mom through the assistance she's entitled to.
Both you and your brother should sit down with your Mom and have a "come to Jesus" talk with her. "Mom, we're worried about you. We want your golden years to be worry free and fun, not full of fear, hunger and dread. This neighborhood has changed, you're not getting enough high-quality food and you're scraping by, and it's hard for us to watch. I wish we could help you out, but we're just getting by ourselves. You have worked hard all of your life, PLEASE come with me, meet with someone who is here to help you find the assstance that you have paid for and are ENTITLED to. It's not welfare, it's not charity, it's benefits that you have earned throughout your working life. If you won't do it for yourself, do it for us."
Then drag her down there by her hair.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 2:23 PM on May 22, 2013 [7 favorites]
They are going to be somewhat up in her business, yes. She's going to have to fill out a SNAP application, there's a phone interview, and she will need to request and then give them a Social Security benefits statement (so they know she qualifies.) This is more or less the process for seniors in her state, and here is the outreach map - I'd contact both of these places and see if either will call on your mom.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:25 PM on May 22, 2013
posted by DarlingBri at 2:25 PM on May 22, 2013
Best answer: Focus: HOPE has a food program that has nothing to do with the goverment as far as I can tell.
It looks like the Gleaners of Southeastern Michigan are doing outreach to increase usage of government programs.
Macomb County also has a dining program for seniors that are not housebound.
And this one looks helpful: Making the Right Connection in Macomb County--Senior Services.
posted by elsietheeel at 2:25 PM on May 22, 2013
It looks like the Gleaners of Southeastern Michigan are doing outreach to increase usage of government programs.
Macomb County also has a dining program for seniors that are not housebound.
And this one looks helpful: Making the Right Connection in Macomb County--Senior Services.
posted by elsietheeel at 2:25 PM on May 22, 2013
This behaviour is ridiculous and irresponsible. Tell you parents that neither you nor your sibling can afford to subsidise their pride. Their only alternative is to seek help from a system they have financially supported and which you and othrr family members contribute to for just suvh a situation.
posted by BenPens at 2:46 PM on May 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by BenPens at 2:46 PM on May 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
Here's how my sister and I got our father to get the benefits he needed (food stamps and subsidized housing): we stopped giving him money. Soon after this he was down at Social Services finding out what was available to him and getting help applying. Despite his objections before, he actually feels better now not having to rely on his daughters. And our relationship has gotten much better.
posted by Pineapplicious at 3:01 PM on May 22, 2013
posted by Pineapplicious at 3:01 PM on May 22, 2013
I assume she is getting Medicare, yes? I had an elderly widowed aunt who also had a great health insurance policy thanks to my uncle and she was adamant that she didn't need Medicare and wouldn't use it until we explained that the health insurance only covered whatever Medicare did not.
A lot of people of all ages are confused about Medicare and Medicaid. The first is automatically bestowed on Americans at age 65 (earlier in some rare situations) regardless of their income. Medicaid, by contrast, goes to poor people of all ages. For instance, if your mother's Medicare were not supplemented by her UAW insurance she might qualify for Medicaid but they then would put a lien on her house. MediCARE doesn't care about assets.
So at this point your mother should be getting Medicare, UAW insurance, possibly a UAW pension and Social Security- either as your father's widow or as a retired worker herself, whichever is highest. Food Stamps will not take her house. Explain to her that food stamps is a way for the government to subsidize agriculture and food stores. If she still resists perhaps a family member or very trusted friend can use the SNAP card to buy her groceries.
There are also programs that help people like her with high utility bills, we don't want our senior citizens to freeze or roast! Explain to her that it's really a government program to subsidize big oil, big gas, big energy.
Another thought? Is she religious? If so, perhaps you can get help from her minister in convincing her to take what is due to her.
posted by mareli at 3:12 PM on May 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
A lot of people of all ages are confused about Medicare and Medicaid. The first is automatically bestowed on Americans at age 65 (earlier in some rare situations) regardless of their income. Medicaid, by contrast, goes to poor people of all ages. For instance, if your mother's Medicare were not supplemented by her UAW insurance she might qualify for Medicaid but they then would put a lien on her house. MediCARE doesn't care about assets.
So at this point your mother should be getting Medicare, UAW insurance, possibly a UAW pension and Social Security- either as your father's widow or as a retired worker herself, whichever is highest. Food Stamps will not take her house. Explain to her that food stamps is a way for the government to subsidize agriculture and food stores. If she still resists perhaps a family member or very trusted friend can use the SNAP card to buy her groceries.
There are also programs that help people like her with high utility bills, we don't want our senior citizens to freeze or roast! Explain to her that it's really a government program to subsidize big oil, big gas, big energy.
Another thought? Is she religious? If so, perhaps you can get help from her minister in convincing her to take what is due to her.
posted by mareli at 3:12 PM on May 22, 2013 [2 favorites]
I'm not sure how she even knows people are using food stamps to buy groceries. In Iowa, it's given out on what looks exactly like a debit card; you swipe it through the machine and everything. If you don't use self check-out, the most 'embarrassing' part is saying "run 50 dollars on this first card please."
posted by saveyoursanity at 3:20 PM on May 22, 2013
posted by saveyoursanity at 3:20 PM on May 22, 2013
Talk to her about food stamps and other benefits being the way that we, as a community, help support people who just need a little help. That by accepting assistance, she will ease the burden on you and your brother. That she and your dad paid a lot into taxes, and it's perfectly fine to get a little out.
posted by theora55 at 3:22 PM on May 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by theora55 at 3:22 PM on May 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
Would she be more accepting of religious charitable assistance? Perhaps if she is conservative in nature and doesn't believe that it's the government's role to provide assistance she might be more comfortable with traditional peer or community based assistance.
posted by TestamentToGrace at 4:22 PM on May 22, 2013
posted by TestamentToGrace at 4:22 PM on May 22, 2013
Tell her that you can't afford to give her money anymore but you're happy to sit down with her and fill out paperwork for public assistance. Print out everything she needs, bring it over, and hold her hand through it. That paperwork is intimidating, and she very likely needs help with it.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 4:24 PM on May 22, 2013
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 4:24 PM on May 22, 2013
Can you frame it as a "screw the government" kind of thing? Only kind of kidding here...
Look, her personality is what it is. Can you imagine her saying, "Well, I've paid into this stupid system all my life, I damn well deserve a check"? If so, you might be able to sell it that way.
posted by selfmedicating at 4:24 PM on May 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
Look, her personality is what it is. Can you imagine her saying, "Well, I've paid into this stupid system all my life, I damn well deserve a check"? If so, you might be able to sell it that way.
posted by selfmedicating at 4:24 PM on May 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
Help her get a reverse mortgage on her home.
posted by gt2 at 7:06 PM on May 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by gt2 at 7:06 PM on May 22, 2013 [1 favorite]
She can apply for benefits online through the Michigan DHS website. It will be much simpler than going to the offices over by the city hall on Van Dyke. They will be in her business, but you can hopefully convince her to give it a try. You might want to look into the Home Weatherization Program through Macomb County. They will come perform a free energy audit and insulate, make repairs, and do other things to help make her home energy efficient for free. It takes a while to get through the waiting list, but it's quite helpful. Good luck!
posted by notaninja at 8:04 PM on May 22, 2013
posted by notaninja at 8:04 PM on May 22, 2013
How big is her house? Can she rent a room (or two) out? It might not bring in much, but they'd help with utilities etc.
posted by kjs4 at 8:12 PM on May 22, 2013
posted by kjs4 at 8:12 PM on May 22, 2013
I'd look in to SSI. Check your memail.
posted by insectosaurus at 9:17 PM on May 22, 2013
posted by insectosaurus at 9:17 PM on May 22, 2013
Considering her age, your mother comes from a generation that often considered getting "welfare" or "assistance" an embarassment; taking that money meant you were a failure. A pension is something you worked for and earned, so that's acceptable; but welfare or 'government assistance' meant you were a bum, begging for a free handout. (Getting money from you and your brother IS acceptable: that's family helping family.)
I'm not saying people getting assistance are freeloaders, just that that's how many older people viewed it, and that's the mindset you're up against.
posted by easily confused at 3:06 AM on May 23, 2013 [1 favorite]
I'm not saying people getting assistance are freeloaders, just that that's how many older people viewed it, and that's the mindset you're up against.
posted by easily confused at 3:06 AM on May 23, 2013 [1 favorite]
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Where in Michigan is your mom located? There are most likely outreach organizations to help get people on assistance programs.
posted by elsietheeel at 2:04 PM on May 22, 2013 [1 favorite]