Oh no...I'm boring!

May 21, 2013 3:01 PM

Why don't normal hobbies and activities interest me, or why can't I stick with them? (more inside)

I spent most of my 20s feeling a bit listless and bored but the feeling has only intensified recently, as I've settled into a routine with a newish 9-5 office job. My job is ok but my off time is completely devoid of anything. The days and weeks are slipping by because I don't really have a way to mark the time. Right now my routine after work is to go home, browse the computer, or just get into bed and wait until I get sleepy, then sleep, wake the next day, and repeat. I feel like I should have some activities or interests that I can pursue in my free time but I don't have any interests that translate into, you know, actually doing things.

I do like reading non-fiction and hiking, which are fine as occasional activities, but I still have a huge amount of free time. I guess it's a good problem to have but I feel frustrated and discouraged that I still haven't found anything that really 'grabs' me. I'm not looking for a list of potential hobbies necessarily, but perhaps strategies for finding/developing interests and not giving up on them after days/weeks.

Here are things that I've spent varying amounts of time on that I never really continued pursuing due to frustration or lack of interest/progress: drawing, guitar, piano, running, stamp collecting, harmonica, writing fiction.

Potentially relevant details: single, 31 year old able-bodied but out-of-shape guy from the midwest.

posted by averageamateur to Sports, Hobbies, & Recreation (26 answers total)

Maybe look for activities that are social and/or competitive?
posted by BibiRose at 3:03 PM on May 21, 2013

Those are all pretty lonely hobbies. What if you take an art welding class and get hooked up with that group? Or volunteer to dog walk at the shelter and get to know folks there?

My solitary hobbies are for when I'm actively looking for solitude and they wax and wane accordingly.
posted by small_ruminant at 3:03 PM on May 21, 2013

Right now my routine after work is to go home, browse the computer, or just get into bed and wait until I get sleepy, then sleep, wake the next day, and repeat.

I love this routine myself, but when it gets kind of intense I usually take that as a sign that I need to adjust my mental health protocol. Maybe the same is true for you?
posted by Snarl Furillo at 3:11 PM on May 21, 2013 [1 favorite]

Best answer: drawing, guitar, piano, running, stamp collecting, harmonica, writing fiction.

I note only that these are solo hobbies. If you're not finding them engaging, I would suggest perhaps looking for outlets that involve other humans. A running club, drawing class or group guitar lessons come to mind.
posted by DarlingBri at 3:15 PM on May 21, 2013 [3 favorites]

Some hobbies, like drawing, are most fun when you're a bit better than beginner at them. Putting in the hours to get beyond beginner can be painful and grueling. But also worthwhile, if you can stick it out! I suggest you pick one of these like drawing, guitar, or writing fiction, and commit to six months, 30 minutes per day, of actually doing the thing, with another hour or so per week of reading something related to the thing. If you can find a buddy in this endeavor, all the better (even if they are doing a different hobby). Good luck!
posted by Glinn at 3:32 PM on May 21, 2013

Best answer: In the line of what others have suggested, perhaps you might want to pursue something that involves a regularly scheduled event -- something you "have" to do on a set schedule. This might be a class you take (ideally, not one that teaches you a solitary hobby) or a team you join or a group that has a regular meetings.

Some examples from my past: Toastmasters (weekly meetings plus conferences and stuff), Curling league (weekly game nights, occasional practices), Portuguese language classes from our local school board's adult education program, swimming lessons at my gym, table top gaming through meetup (monthly social game days with my table top crew, plus bi-weekly game nights I host at my house for my friends).

I'm an introvert (and I'd bet you are, too), so when faced with an immediate choice between going out and doing something or staying in and pissing my night away on the internet, I'm almost always going to choose staying in and pissing my night away on the internet. (Why hello there, 3245 AskMetafilter answers!) But if I make a plan / commitment in advance, when the couch isn't beckoning so loudly, then I'm fairly likely to follow through on the day, because I'm not trying to think of something to do and then decide to go do it, I'm just doing this thing that's already on my calendar.

You may have to go through quite a few of these before you find one that grabs your passion to the degree that you want to continue doing it after the initial 3 or 6 or 12 month commitment, but in the meantime, you've created a habit of not spending all of your free time in the house, which can only be good.

Also, please consider talking to your doctor about this, because going home from work and going to bed to wait until you get sleepy sounds like it could be a problem that isn't just that you haven't found your passion yet.
posted by jacquilynne at 3:39 PM on May 21, 2013 [10 favorites]

Would you enjoy woodworking? The process can be wickedly absorbing and it's a bit different from your previous hobbies, in that the reward is a functional object. Aquiring the tools and techniques can be quite a fun pursuit as well.

If you stick to hand tools, you can get set up in an apartment and not worry about creating a lot of dust or noise. Starting with softwoods to create simple Shaker or "folk" style furniture really lowers the skill threshold.

PM me if you want some recommendations for instructional books.
posted by bonobothegreat at 3:40 PM on May 21, 2013 [2 favorites]

What comes easy to you?
posted by rhizome at 3:44 PM on May 21, 2013

Have you ever heard of the Hash House Harriers? It's an international organization of people who do fun runs (with special features including easy routes for beginners and always ending with beer). I can't think of a better way to (a) combat listlessness, (b) make new friends, (c) have fun, (d) put the emphasis on "able bodied" rather than "out of shape", and (e) drink beer!

From the wikipedia entry:

The objectives of the Hash House Harriers as recorded on the club registration card dated 1950:

To promote physical fitness among our members
To get rid of weekend hangovers
To acquire a good thirst and to satisfy it in beer
To persuade the older members that they are not as old as they feel

posted by janey47 at 3:45 PM on May 21, 2013

Response by poster: I know I'm not supposed to respond in here, but can I answer a few questions? I don't see an obvious way to reply to people.

Re: depression/mental health angle, I just went through 8 months of CBT for dysthymia and found it unhelpful.

@bonobothegreat I've thought about woodworking before but am limited by the fact that I rent a bedroom in a 3br apartment so I have very little room unfortunately.

@rhizome Honestly, nothing comes to mind. I'm a pretty quiet guy so not speaking comes pretty easily to me. I know that's not incredibly helpful...
posted by averageamateur at 3:56 PM on May 21, 2013

Have you thought about exploring new areas of academic learning ? Are there any colleges or adult ed. institutions in your area? If so, might be worth a look at their part-time /evening offerings, and let yourself dream... Can also be a sociable experience, if you want it to be, where you're likely to find other quiet people you might get on with well. Free online learning (see e.g. class-central.com) is another way to go. This involves an initial commitment of at least a couple of months, part-time - and if you enjoy it, there's an opportunity for a longer term commitment to get a new qualification, part time.

Look at all the opportunities to volunteer in your area; these can be people oriented, or not. Often a great way to try out and learn about new things. If you enjoy your job, see if there are any non-profit organisations that could benefit from your skills? Or look for opportunities to build new skills. Again, there are online volunteering opportunities (e.g. onlinevolunteering.org) if that fits with your interests and skills. Depending on the organisation, this might require a commitment of a few weeks, a few months or a year, which might be what you're hoping for? Additionally, the feeling that you are helping others (or that others will be let down if you don't stick with it!) might help you keep going.

I hope you find something you enjoy!
Skip
posted by skippy_gal at 4:43 PM on May 21, 2013 [2 favorites]

If you like reading non-fiction, may I suggest that writing non-fiction might suit you better than writing fiction?
posted by tomboko at 4:47 PM on May 21, 2013 [1 favorite]

Let's try an experiment. Humor me a little, ok? I'm going to guess that you have a smartphone. Charge that puppy up because you're going to put it to work.

Go for a walk somewhere you like - somewhere where your eyes wander. For me, it's a walk downtown. Go for a walk and take a picture of anything that catches your eye. Literally, anything. The more pictures, the better. Ignore any thoughts about photography. Just take as many pictures as you can. Hopefully, you'll end up with more than a hundred. Do most of them suck? Maybe, but that's irrelevant. Are there a few that inspire you? Maybe photography is something you'd enjoy.

I do this often, usually with a friend, and usually including a stop at a pub along the way.


Here's another idea: look around your apartment. Got a blank wall somewhere? How about a project? Go to an art store and buy the biggest canvas you can find, plus some paint and tape. Bingo! Instant art project. Maybe, after tackling something like that, you'll discover that you have interest in painting... or in some other art form.


The point I'm getting at here is to find ways of dabbling. Try things totally outside of your comfort zone and see what happens. You never know. Something might click.

Oh, and P.S. Either of these activities could be awesome on a date. I've had a bunch of first-date photo walks, usually with women who weren't photographers at all. It's fun.
posted by 2oh1 at 4:52 PM on May 21, 2013 [1 favorite]

Most of the things you tried are creative/artistic. Maybe that simply isn't your cup of tea, or it seemed to boil down to "sitting at home" again. How about combining a new thing with the interests you already have, i.e. hiking and photography?
posted by MinusCelsius at 4:53 PM on May 21, 2013

Best answer: Hmm. If you have a diagnosis for dysthymia, you might try another treatment besides CBT, or try it with another therapist. If that is the root of your problem, then the best hobby idea in the world might not be the answer you need.

Aside from that (long answer I am trimming down to core thoughts):

1. Hobbies should be things you enjoy or at least that will profit you in some way. You aren't obligated to have hobbies.

2. Someone pointed out here a while back that to be good at something you have to tolerate being bad at it for a while.

3. The Creative License helped me stop worrying so much about getting things "right" and relax and enjoy the process.

4. "Scanners" are naturally drawn to try lots and lots of different things, but not to become an expert in any of them. Previously

5. Try formats for your hobbies that get you out of your work-a-day routine. Instead of learning guitar by watching youtube videos at home, sign up for a group class or go to a meetup. Instead of writing at home, take your laptop to a coffee shop.

6. Book clubs or meetups devoted to the non-fiction subjects that interest you might turn out to be fun for you.

Rhizome asks what comes easily to you - I'd add to that - the times in your life when you've been having the most fun, what were you doing?
posted by bunderful at 5:00 PM on May 21, 2013 [2 favorites]

Maybe doing something that results in an actual useful 'thing' at the end would be more fun? Maybe cooking? Growing your own vegetables? Knitting your own scarf? Brewing your own beer? I know sometimes a hobby can seem like a pointless waste of time when you have dysthymia (been there, hell, AM there) so sometimes if you are thinking, "Well, but if I learn how to make Broccoli Beef at home I'll save money on takeout" or "These ceramic cats I'm making will be great Xmas gifts for my relatives" it keeps you going when you might otherwise shove it aside.
posted by The otter lady at 5:02 PM on May 21, 2013 [3 favorites]

Do you enjoy spending time with people (just hanging out okay or rather in goal oriented contexts)?
Does it make you feel good about yourself when you help others?
Are you competitive?
Would you feel comfortable to give a talk on a subject (possibly related to your job or other interest you explored in the past)?

If you think about the answers to those questions you might get closer to activities you could try out. Then look around what options are available (meetup, free things to do in your city, volunteering options, hospitality exchange communities post activities and so on) - just pick a few things that catch your interest, mark your calender and then go.

Maybe it does not need to be the-one-hobby for now, maybe just a little bit of this and a little bit of that would help to bring you out of your routine?

Also not all hobbies are interesting at all times - as a teenager I was into photography incl. darkroom processing, in the last few years it was just taking pictures while on vacation and now I've joined a photography group that holds regular photo contests (current theme water, any ideas?). Maybe the things you tried will become interesting again at some point in the future again, for now it sounds like you'd benefit from some new input.
posted by travelwithcats at 5:05 PM on May 21, 2013

Oh, another thing to think about: your physical health and well being. Physical activity does stimulate mental activity. It sounds like you don't get a lot of physical activity, especially on the "just get into bed" after work days. I find walking great, if you can walk to work/the store, try to do it more often! Swimming is great too. And if you are at it, try the steam room/sauna and a massage afterwards. Honestly, it helps!

[I realize this is far off from the original question, hope it helps, feel free to delete though]
posted by travelwithcats at 5:24 PM on May 21, 2013 [2 favorites]

I agree, get social hobbies. I am the same way, I absolutely start things and do not finish or do not work toward becoming good at them. Guitar, Spanish, creative writing, piano, web design, even certain TV shows I just stop watching them. I eventually just get bored and stop all of these things. But I've found myself part of a "fandom" of a soccer team -- it's not an active hobby, but it involves meeting up with other fans to go watch games and talking to them every day about this team. There are supporters clubs that are pretty dedicated to it and the culture is really about being a unit backing your team. And it's become so much fun having these like-minded people to talk and hang out with that I'm not sure I'll ever leave. I've looked at joining co-ed soccer leagues for adults -- I know some fellow fans who do it and it sounds fun. So I guess, you get involved for the hobby, but stay for the community.

I would look at what you already know you enjoy and find a social aspect to it. Even if you join a supporter's club for a soccer team and watch their games in a bar, at least it's something. It's the connection that will make you want to continue with it, and there's no connection when you've started something in solitude. And frankly, there's no accountability either. Who was making me practice guitar? No one, so it was really easy to stop. You might find some sort of community education classes helpful both for social reasons and accountability reasons. (I will admit I took a Spanish class and stopped going because I thought the teacher was awful and he wasn't "teaching." We were zooming through "homework" with little instruction. But I want to find another Spanish classes that moves a bit slower and focuses more on in-class discussion. I also am trying to find a solid digital photography class in my area with technical instruction but no luck!)
posted by AppleTurnover at 5:52 PM on May 21, 2013 [4 favorites]

Do you eat? I don't see anything in your post-work schedule that looks like dinner. The fact that you don't even mention it suggests that you find cooking for yourself boring. Food is exciting and stimulating and won't try to engage you in awkward conversations like strangers do. Also, if you take a knife skills class they might teach you this trick for cutting an onion that is AWESOME. And knowing how to not ruin a great porterhouse steak is an excellent skill.

Alright, that was more "listy" than you asked for. It sounds like non-goal-oriented stuff doesn't appeal to you. Me neither. Personally, I have trouble sticking to a jogging habit if I'm not training for a race. Maybe you should plan a really difficult hike for 3-6 months from now? Or, you know, pick one of those things that people should do before they're 40 and... do it.
posted by katya.lysander at 6:52 PM on May 21, 2013

I still haven't found anything that really 'grabs' me.

i think there's a certain amount of bragging when people talk about their "passions." there is some social pressure to have something your passionate about. just like having a high paying job or a big family are in some social groups signs of prestige, so is having some hobby you are totally consumed with.

so, my point is, just because you haven't found anything that really "grabs" you that doesn't mean you're broken in some way.
posted by cupcake1337 at 8:05 PM on May 21, 2013 [5 favorites]

Join a choir.
posted by BenPens at 3:39 AM on May 22, 2013

Join organized dancing of some sort. The sillier the better. Force yourself to go to every meeting, learn every step, learn all the songs, and go to informal gatherings after class.

Dancing will make you feel great, help you tone muscle and lose weight, and introduce you to a whole new set of people, some of whom could become good friends. You will be more interesting to your non-dancing friends, even if they think it's absurd, because you will look and feel better and you can always claim to be doing your Morris dancing (or whatever) ironically, as a lark.

You live in a big city, so there should be no problem finding such classes. You just need to make yourself go.
posted by pracowity at 5:16 AM on May 22, 2013

Ha, are you me? Wait, you're a dude, so no.

Since you mentioned being out of shape but able bodied, and you gave up on running, and you are sufficiently dysthymic to go to bed immediately after work, it seems like the general area of "fitness" might be a place to start. When you can delete "out of shape" from your inner monologue you will find that a lot of other self-impressions improve too.

Your real obstacle, as you describe it, is getting over the "hump" of something. I have this to a certain extent, too.* So your strategy for not quitting after a few days or weeks might need to be: don't quit. You will want to quit, but you're not allowed. Tell yourself it's somehow paying the rent.

It may not become your "passion." But it may become part of your lifestyle. After five or six years I still hate exercise with every fiber of my being. But I go, and I do it, five days a week. And while the hour or so that I'm at the gym makes me want to go nuclear on the entire earth, all of the other hours in my days are much, much better because of that one horrible, death-loathing fire-breathing hour at the gym.

Just don't quit.

*By any chance were you a "gifted" child, or otherwise raised to believe you should excel immediately at everything without effort? And that any sort of challenge equalled worthless failure? Why oh why oh why do they like to break and ruin children that way? Every teacher I had from grades 4 through 8 should be retroactively fired. And possibly pelted with tomatoes.
posted by like_a_friend at 9:13 AM on May 22, 2013 [2 favorites]

I have a similar issue, with an additional distaste for having stuff I "have to do."

Maybe you could try some things that are more goal oriented? Seems from your question that you just have a lot of down time, and are frustrated with not finding yourself really engrossed in anything enough to pursue it for its own sake. I think a lot of people are like this, and they pursue a hobby more for the socializing/gives you something to do than because they are truly passionate about the hobby itself.

Not sure if you prefer solo activities, but maybe joining a running club or training for a charity running/walking event would be more motivating. If there are open live drawing groups in your area, that could also be something kind of fun. If you have a neighborhood listserv there's probably volunteer stuff in your neighborhood you could get involved in that wouldn't be a consistent time commitment, but could just break things up a little bit.

I also have a hard time sticking to anything that isn't structured, so through work I've been able to take a few professional development courses which I enjoyed and now have on my resume. I also like doing Coursera and other MOOC classes online because there's enough structure for me to follow along, but if the class isn't working for me there's no penalty for dropping it.
posted by forkisbetter at 11:21 AM on May 22, 2013

Meetup. Find some groups in your area and join, even if it's not stuff you know anything about. The biggest thing is to try new things. Sometimes it will be awkward and weird, and sometimes it will be amazing.
posted by cnc at 4:25 PM on May 22, 2013 [1 favorite]