How to go no contact with an abuser?
May 19, 2013 6:40 AM Subscribe
I left my abuser 8 months ago. He contacts me semi-frequently, and I have replied to his more innocuous emails. Now I want to go No Contact. How?
He emails me about picking up mail that is still being delivered to his house. At first, I would reply, and pick up my mail when he wasn't home (he always left a chocolate bar or treat with the mail, which is sad considering his control over my diet and weight during the relationship). I used to sign my emails "love, sockermom" but I stopped that a few months ago without incident.
He also emails me semi-periodically about other things (a mean congratulations on a promotion I got at work that he was notified about because we work together; a screed about how he missed me and wanted me back; those type of things). This has increased in the past two months, roughly coinciding with my withdrawal of the term "love" in my signature.
Now I see that the mail is just a red herring. It's all junk mail. He has started to cc all of my email addresses, because he (I assume) figured out that I filter out his messages. I am getting worried that he is going to freak out if I go no contact, but that is what I want and need to do at this point.
Unfortunately, I have no evidence necessary for a restraining order. There are no witnesses to the abuse so there are no paper trails. (However, we did get frequent noise complaints at our old apartment complex, so I can see if they still have records, but I doubt that's enough to get a restraining order.)
I consider the emails harassment but if I don't tell him to stop emailing me I'm not sure how they can be considered harassment. When I go No Contact, do I notify him first? Will that help my case, should I end up needing a restraining order? Will it hurt me - bring his wrath upon me - if I notify him first? If I do notify him, what and how do I say it?
Do I just need a lawyer?
For reference: he was physical, rarely, but it ramped up at the end. He controlled my diet, my job, my activities, my appearance. It was without a doubt abusive, but most of that abuse was psychological and emotional. I dated and lived with him for three years. We had no children.
He emails me about picking up mail that is still being delivered to his house. At first, I would reply, and pick up my mail when he wasn't home (he always left a chocolate bar or treat with the mail, which is sad considering his control over my diet and weight during the relationship). I used to sign my emails "love, sockermom" but I stopped that a few months ago without incident.
He also emails me semi-periodically about other things (a mean congratulations on a promotion I got at work that he was notified about because we work together; a screed about how he missed me and wanted me back; those type of things). This has increased in the past two months, roughly coinciding with my withdrawal of the term "love" in my signature.
Now I see that the mail is just a red herring. It's all junk mail. He has started to cc all of my email addresses, because he (I assume) figured out that I filter out his messages. I am getting worried that he is going to freak out if I go no contact, but that is what I want and need to do at this point.
Unfortunately, I have no evidence necessary for a restraining order. There are no witnesses to the abuse so there are no paper trails. (However, we did get frequent noise complaints at our old apartment complex, so I can see if they still have records, but I doubt that's enough to get a restraining order.)
I consider the emails harassment but if I don't tell him to stop emailing me I'm not sure how they can be considered harassment. When I go No Contact, do I notify him first? Will that help my case, should I end up needing a restraining order? Will it hurt me - bring his wrath upon me - if I notify him first? If I do notify him, what and how do I say it?
Do I just need a lawyer?
For reference: he was physical, rarely, but it ramped up at the end. He controlled my diet, my job, my activities, my appearance. It was without a doubt abusive, but most of that abuse was psychological and emotional. I dated and lived with him for three years. We had no children.
I would first talk to an abuse hotline and create a viable escape plan where you know with 100% certainty that you can completely get away from him within hours.
After talking to them, decide if it's worth the stress you will endure from sending him an email stating you want no further contact. And yes, if he replies it's the beginning of a paper trail but it's also possibly the beginning of something that could get scary and potentially dangerous.
You may just want to go no-contact by removing yourself from the situation.
The fact that you work together makes this difficult.
If you're worried that you're in danger from going no contact but have no legal reason to file a restraining order, then you need to move, change your job (and email/phone contacts) and not let him get any information about where you are or how to reach you.
I don't see any other way out of this.
posted by kinetic at 6:52 AM on May 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
After talking to them, decide if it's worth the stress you will endure from sending him an email stating you want no further contact. And yes, if he replies it's the beginning of a paper trail but it's also possibly the beginning of something that could get scary and potentially dangerous.
You may just want to go no-contact by removing yourself from the situation.
The fact that you work together makes this difficult.
If you're worried that you're in danger from going no contact but have no legal reason to file a restraining order, then you need to move, change your job (and email/phone contacts) and not let him get any information about where you are or how to reach you.
I don't see any other way out of this.
posted by kinetic at 6:52 AM on May 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
I'm a lawyer, not your lawyer, and this isn't legal advice.
In Massachusetts, it's 100% possible to get a restraining order based entirely on the credible testimony of the abused spouse, provided you otherwise meet the criteria. I don't know what state you're in but I wouldn't rule out the possibility of getting a restraining order simply because there's no "paper trail."
posted by ewiar at 6:53 AM on May 19, 2013 [6 favorites]
In Massachusetts, it's 100% possible to get a restraining order based entirely on the credible testimony of the abused spouse, provided you otherwise meet the criteria. I don't know what state you're in but I wouldn't rule out the possibility of getting a restraining order simply because there's no "paper trail."
posted by ewiar at 6:53 AM on May 19, 2013 [6 favorites]
No, you don't need a lawyer. You don't need to tell him you are no longer going to respond to his email. All you have to do is just delete, or move the emails without responding. Or, forward the emails to a trusted friend as a record, and then delete. Some people like the idea of moving the emails to a different folder, in the event that they need evidence of escalating harassment. Even if you don't say anything, the content of the emails may be considered harassment.
You are doing great. Don't worry about this guy, he can't hurt you any longer.
posted by kellyblah at 6:53 AM on May 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
You are doing great. Don't worry about this guy, he can't hurt you any longer.
posted by kellyblah at 6:53 AM on May 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
First, build up your support network before contacting him. If you have a therapist, increase your number of appointments. Share with your friends, the shame and embarrasment belong to him for his actions. Since email is his preferred way to contact you, is there a trusted friend that can check your email for you before you do to file his emails, in case one of his gets past your filters? If he is communicating via work email, consider contacting HR (depends on the company). Is there any chance of yu getting a job somewhere else? I think telling him you do not want any contact is a good thing but you need to be safe first.
posted by saucysault at 6:58 AM on May 19, 2013
posted by saucysault at 6:58 AM on May 19, 2013
we work together
Consider how they may respond before doing so, but alerting your supervisor or HR to your current situation may provide you both a paper trail and protection from possible escalation.
At my employer, a university, an employee can bypass both management and HR to inform the campus police about a situation like yours: they don't confront the abuser but do keep your information on file to inform their response to any incident that involves either party.
posted by thatdawnperson at 7:15 AM on May 19, 2013 [3 favorites]
Consider how they may respond before doing so, but alerting your supervisor or HR to your current situation may provide you both a paper trail and protection from possible escalation.
At my employer, a university, an employee can bypass both management and HR to inform the campus police about a situation like yours: they don't confront the abuser but do keep your information on file to inform their response to any incident that involves either party.
posted by thatdawnperson at 7:15 AM on May 19, 2013 [3 favorites]
Best answer: I used to sign my emails "love, sockermom" but I stopped that a few months ago without incident.
He also emails me semi-periodically about other things (a mean congratulations on a promotion I got at work that he was notified about because we work together; a screed about how he missed me and wanted me back; those type of things). This has increased in the past two months, roughly coinciding with my withdrawal of the term "love" in my signature.
You say you stopped that without incident and then you describe escalation associated with it, most likely triggered by it. Abusers are typically at their most dangerous when you leave or try to leave and you sound like you are missing cues. This concerns me.
See if you can arrange for the mail problem to be solved so he has no more easy excuses to email you.
I would try to let this current escalation die down before saying or doing anything else that might set him off. I would work on arranging no contact quietly from my end without saying anything to him yet if at all possible.
I would probably also be looking for a different job, maybe in another town.
posted by Michele in California at 7:30 AM on May 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
He also emails me semi-periodically about other things (a mean congratulations on a promotion I got at work that he was notified about because we work together; a screed about how he missed me and wanted me back; those type of things). This has increased in the past two months, roughly coinciding with my withdrawal of the term "love" in my signature.
You say you stopped that without incident and then you describe escalation associated with it, most likely triggered by it. Abusers are typically at their most dangerous when you leave or try to leave and you sound like you are missing cues. This concerns me.
See if you can arrange for the mail problem to be solved so he has no more easy excuses to email you.
I would try to let this current escalation die down before saying or doing anything else that might set him off. I would work on arranging no contact quietly from my end without saying anything to him yet if at all possible.
I would probably also be looking for a different job, maybe in another town.
posted by Michele in California at 7:30 AM on May 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: I told my boss a few months ago. She was kind and supportive. Nothing has happened at work. I don't see him there, as our jobs are a bit unconventional, but I will probably run into him there at some point. I will only be there for another year or two.
There is no way I am leaving my job. It is prestigious and unconventional and necessary for my career goals for me to continue this career path. Leaving my job was something he wanted me to do and in my view it would be furthering the abuse were I to leave.
To clarify, I moved out and left him eight months ago. I am out and I am not going back.
I have plenty of help, know it was abuse, and qualified my situation to prevent comments like "are you sure he was abusive" because victim blaming is always a concern.
All of my friends know. I am vocal and open about the abuse.
I'll contact my local shelter (they know me very well at this point) and see what they say about going no contact.
posted by sockermom at 7:36 AM on May 19, 2013 [3 favorites]
There is no way I am leaving my job. It is prestigious and unconventional and necessary for my career goals for me to continue this career path. Leaving my job was something he wanted me to do and in my view it would be furthering the abuse were I to leave.
To clarify, I moved out and left him eight months ago. I am out and I am not going back.
I have plenty of help, know it was abuse, and qualified my situation to prevent comments like "are you sure he was abusive" because victim blaming is always a concern.
All of my friends know. I am vocal and open about the abuse.
I'll contact my local shelter (they know me very well at this point) and see what they say about going no contact.
posted by sockermom at 7:36 AM on May 19, 2013 [3 favorites]
Please contact your local county government, local police, the national DV hotline, etc until you can get in touch with victim's or survivor's advocate services. You can very likely get a no-contact order. In Minnesota, in the very worst case (and it almost certainly wouldn't come to this) you could pay a small fee to get a harassment restraining order. But yes, especially if you think going no contact (which I agree is the correct course of action) may cause him to freak out, you could benefit from some help coming up with a safety plan.
Just to stress this once more though, thinking and legislation on IPV has changed a lot in the past ten years even, and I think it's very likely that you can get a court order.
posted by kavasa at 7:40 AM on May 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
Just to stress this once more though, thinking and legislation on IPV has changed a lot in the past ten years even, and I think it's very likely that you can get a court order.
posted by kavasa at 7:40 AM on May 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
Best answer: This is where you ask for advice from an experienced domestic violence hotline.
posted by htid at 7:50 AM on May 19, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by htid at 7:50 AM on May 19, 2013 [3 favorites]
I don't see the need for a restraining order. Or perhaps I should say I don't see what good a restraining order would do. Are you in fear for your safety? FWIW I had to have an emergency restraining order against a person, and it was a traumatic process for me and in the end didn't change anything. They're hard to enforce and low priority for law enforcement anyway. And you work together, so he'd have plausible deniability. YMMV.
I suggest making sure the Post Office has your current address and forwarding your mail, and then the next time he emails you about mail, just say "my essential mail has been forwarded, discard anything that comes to your house in my name and don't contact me again." And then send his emails directly to spam/trash and ignore, ignore, ignore, using your support network and DV resources to reinforce your resolve.
posted by headnsouth at 7:56 AM on May 19, 2013
I suggest making sure the Post Office has your current address and forwarding your mail, and then the next time he emails you about mail, just say "my essential mail has been forwarded, discard anything that comes to your house in my name and don't contact me again." And then send his emails directly to spam/trash and ignore, ignore, ignore, using your support network and DV resources to reinforce your resolve.
posted by headnsouth at 7:56 AM on May 19, 2013
In my own experience with a psychologically abusive ex, I got the best results when I stopped being blandly polite and just told him clearly that I wasn't going to be in contact with him anymore. It wasn't out of the blue; I did this in response to an email he sent me. Until I did that, he'd kept grasping at things to get me to talk to him. Good news, bad news, things he thought would piss me off, updates about how his life was improving, anything that he thought was most likely to get me to respond to him.
I was frankly honest with him about why I was doing it - that the relationship wasn't healthy, and it was best for both of us to move on and not keep in touch. This was about three months after we broke up. He did send me one more email after that, but I didn't respond, and that was it.
posted by wondermouse at 8:00 AM on May 19, 2013
I was frankly honest with him about why I was doing it - that the relationship wasn't healthy, and it was best for both of us to move on and not keep in touch. This was about three months after we broke up. He did send me one more email after that, but I didn't respond, and that was it.
posted by wondermouse at 8:00 AM on May 19, 2013
Change your mailing address to a PO box.
Change your email address, set up a filter so that his goes right to a folder that you NEVER open. You can set up a canned message for his email address that says "I do not want you to contact me in any way."
Change your phone numbers and block his.
posted by Ideefixe at 8:14 AM on May 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
Change your email address, set up a filter so that his goes right to a folder that you NEVER open. You can set up a canned message for his email address that says "I do not want you to contact me in any way."
Change your phone numbers and block his.
posted by Ideefixe at 8:14 AM on May 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
This is a question for experts. Your town or state's website will have lists of helpful phone numbers, as will the phone book for your area. Call a domestic violence group, or a legal rights group, to get advice. They will know the law, and will be able to assist you if you decide to ask for a restraining order. They can advise you on whether, or how, to notify him that you do not want to have contact.
If he knows your address, and maybe even if not, I'd consider moving again. And you can set up a filter to forward any email from him to someone you trust who can assess the level of risk.
posted by theora55 at 8:17 AM on May 19, 2013
If he knows your address, and maybe even if not, I'd consider moving again. And you can set up a filter to forward any email from him to someone you trust who can assess the level of risk.
posted by theora55 at 8:17 AM on May 19, 2013
Best answer: Email him once, and only once, to tell him you do not want him to contact you again --- and this is important: tell him not to contact you, don't just ask him to 'please' don't contact you.
Send his emails (unread) directly to a holding folder; don't send them straight to trash, just in case he does get nutty and you end up needing documantation for a restraining order. Block all phone calls from him. Don't just block him on facebook and other sites, unfriend him entirely and block your page to just your friends.
Now comes the hard part: no matter what, do not respond to him. Phone calls, emails, snail mail, texts, anything: Do Not Respond, ever. It's called an 'extinction burst': if you get frustrated and respond after, say, his 25th email, he hasn't learned that you don't want to hear from him; all he's learned is that that's what it takes to make you respond --- and he'll keep sending them.
And last: read Gavin de Becker's "The Gift of Fear".
posted by easily confused at 8:22 AM on May 19, 2013 [10 favorites]
Send his emails (unread) directly to a holding folder; don't send them straight to trash, just in case he does get nutty and you end up needing documantation for a restraining order. Block all phone calls from him. Don't just block him on facebook and other sites, unfriend him entirely and block your page to just your friends.
Now comes the hard part: no matter what, do not respond to him. Phone calls, emails, snail mail, texts, anything: Do Not Respond, ever. It's called an 'extinction burst': if you get frustrated and respond after, say, his 25th email, he hasn't learned that you don't want to hear from him; all he's learned is that that's what it takes to make you respond --- and he'll keep sending them.
And last: read Gavin de Becker's "The Gift of Fear".
posted by easily confused at 8:22 AM on May 19, 2013 [10 favorites]
Please arrange for his emails to be forwarded to and reviewed by a trusted friend. You need to know if he is threatening you while still reaping the mental health benefits of your "no contact" decision.
posted by carmicha at 8:23 AM on May 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by carmicha at 8:23 AM on May 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I would start by talking to a DV hotline or your local shelter. I have two main questions for them. One, is it possible in your state to get a restraining order based on your testimony? As others have mentioned, it's possible in many states, but I don't know if it's possible in all states. Second, given the particulars of your situation, would they recommend a restraining order at this point? Sometimes a restraining order can escalate things which is a problem; but violating a restraining order is a crime, and the police can take action against the person at that point.
posted by insectosaurus at 8:35 AM on May 19, 2013
posted by insectosaurus at 8:35 AM on May 19, 2013
Response by poster: I spoke with the shelter. They recommended telling him to stop contacting me after telling my friends and boss that I was going to do so in case something happens.
Then if he violates that request I can work on a restraining order.
Whatever I do there will be fallout, but I believe I am physically safe right now. It's a good time for me to take care of this and to tell him firmly that he cannot contact me.
posted by sockermom at 8:49 AM on May 19, 2013 [8 favorites]
Then if he violates that request I can work on a restraining order.
Whatever I do there will be fallout, but I believe I am physically safe right now. It's a good time for me to take care of this and to tell him firmly that he cannot contact me.
posted by sockermom at 8:49 AM on May 19, 2013 [8 favorites]
Good luck! Stay safe. I'm glad other people know about your plans.
posted by ocherdraco at 9:02 AM on May 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by ocherdraco at 9:02 AM on May 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Hey sockermom, permit the brief derail from suggestions here (I have nothing to add to this great advice) but I just want to reaffirm how great you're doing. Even though you're still enmeshed in a difficult situation, you're systematically taking stock of things and moving forward. I'd imagine that this has been especially hard in some ways because of the nature of the abuse, so that makes it even more impressive.
But I really, really want to commend you for sharing the step-by-step details with us here (as much as you feel comfortable). You were a major asset to the thread posted by sock puppet mop bucket, which is another asset in itself, and no doubt she is looking to you as she continues her slow but steady progress. You are providing valuable resources and evidence that people reading AskMe can use in the future.
Whatever happens, I want to reaffirm my admiration and support for you. Even if it might not feel like it sometimes, you're doing great work. If you're ever in my area (Wisconsin represent!), you can have a ton of free hugs.
posted by Madamina at 9:05 AM on May 19, 2013 [30 favorites]
But I really, really want to commend you for sharing the step-by-step details with us here (as much as you feel comfortable). You were a major asset to the thread posted by sock puppet mop bucket, which is another asset in itself, and no doubt she is looking to you as she continues her slow but steady progress. You are providing valuable resources and evidence that people reading AskMe can use in the future.
Whatever happens, I want to reaffirm my admiration and support for you. Even if it might not feel like it sometimes, you're doing great work. If you're ever in my area (Wisconsin represent!), you can have a ton of free hugs.
posted by Madamina at 9:05 AM on May 19, 2013 [30 favorites]
Oh, and---if you download his emails to save, save with full headers, showing his ISP, so that no one can accuse you of just creating them yourself.
posted by Ideefixe at 10:00 AM on May 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Ideefixe at 10:00 AM on May 19, 2013 [1 favorite]
I'm going to advise against The Gift of Fear, actually. While the chapters about stalking are great, the chapter about domestic violence and intimate partner abuse is really big on blaming the victim. I found it to be really upsetting and couldn't take the rest of the book seriously as a result. I'll strongly second the rest of easily confused's advice, though.
In my state, you need evidence that your ex is threatening you with physical harm before you can get a restraining order, but your state could be different. It sounds like he isn't doing that (explicitly, at least), but it might be helpful to talk to the police about what your options are, if you're comfortable doing that. They can provide some strategies for dealing with harassment, help you make a plan in case thing escalate, and start processing complaints/orders (IF you decide that's something you want to pursue).
Is there an abuse recovery group in your area? I've found suggestions and advice from other survivors to be the very best, and they've helped give me the resolve to stick with my decisions.
You're doing great, and I'm really impressed and inspired by your courage. There's an offer of hugs in Louisiana, too!
posted by a hat out of hell at 10:28 AM on May 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
In my state, you need evidence that your ex is threatening you with physical harm before you can get a restraining order, but your state could be different. It sounds like he isn't doing that (explicitly, at least), but it might be helpful to talk to the police about what your options are, if you're comfortable doing that. They can provide some strategies for dealing with harassment, help you make a plan in case thing escalate, and start processing complaints/orders (IF you decide that's something you want to pursue).
Is there an abuse recovery group in your area? I've found suggestions and advice from other survivors to be the very best, and they've helped give me the resolve to stick with my decisions.
You're doing great, and I'm really impressed and inspired by your courage. There's an offer of hugs in Louisiana, too!
posted by a hat out of hell at 10:28 AM on May 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
If you have mail forwarding at your old address, be aware that the Post Office will not forward junk mail, only First Class mail. Anything with "Standard" class postage will continue to be delivered to the original address.
Let it go.
posted by ohshenandoah at 10:31 AM on May 19, 2013
Let it go.
posted by ohshenandoah at 10:31 AM on May 19, 2013
One thing that might seem obvious to you, but might not be to the people around you: anyone in your circle who might be contacted by your ex needs to be instructed that under no circumstances are they to share your new contact info. I learned this the hard way when my ex called up my mother (!!) (who definitely should have known better) and sweet-talked my cell phone number out of her. Ugh.
posted by ambrosia at 11:41 AM on May 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by ambrosia at 11:41 AM on May 19, 2013 [2 favorites]
You gave your own best answer here. Contact the experts who already know your history and current situation. I urge you to be very careful about taking advice (however well meaning) given you by people on the Internet. You are in a potentially dangerous (very dangerous) situation and you really dont want to aggravate it. I dont mean to scare you, but a lot of the responses here seem to be from people who are not very informed about the nature of domestic violence and abuse. I did not realize you were still in any contact with your abuser. Use extreme caution and get help from people who are experts. Good luck!
posted by WalkerWestridge at 12:11 AM on May 20, 2013
posted by WalkerWestridge at 12:11 AM on May 20, 2013
One suggestion I thought of: you may want to opt out of credit mailings; in our frequent moves, I've found that they aren't always forwarded properly and you probably don't want to leave them piling up with him.
http://credit.about.com/od/privacyconcerns/qt/creditcardmail.htm
Good luck and best wishes.
posted by RogueTech at 9:44 AM on May 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
http://credit.about.com/od/privacyconcerns/qt/creditcardmail.htm
Good luck and best wishes.
posted by RogueTech at 9:44 AM on May 20, 2013 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
You might also want to contact an abuse hotline. Emotional abuse is just as real as physical. I'm so sorry you're going through this.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 6:47 AM on May 19, 2013 [1 favorite]