How to help my son break free from his bully?
May 13, 2013 9:52 AM Subscribe
My son, Alex, age 5, started primary school (in the UK) in January. His 'best friend', Tom (also 5), is bullying him. How can we help Alex break free from Tom, and make new friends?
Alex and Tom were at pre-school together for around a year. When Alex first started pre-school, he was shy and found it difficult to settle, and so we were very happy that he managed to latch on to Tom and play with him. But Tom became more and more unruly and rude, and started to dominate Alex so much that the pre-school teachers warned us that the friendship was becoming problematic.
Since they both started school, Tom's behaviour has become worse -- he is rude to his teachers (and me), and he's in continual trouble at school. Alex's behaviour is generally good, but he seems to spend much of his free time hanging around watching while Tom misbehaves. As I understand it, Tom won't 'allow' Alex to play with other children. And, in the last 2 weeks, Alex has come home with scratches on his face (from Tom), and twice has had to change his clothes at school because Tom has thrown water over him. Alex is stressed by this.
Despite all this, we are completely unable to convince Alex to play with anyone other than Tom. There are children in his class that Alex has known since birth (and who are very fond of him). There are children with whom he plays regularly, and who come round to his house often. But, at school, he thinks that Tom is his only friend, and he can't play with anyone else.
The anti-bullying advice I've found focusses on the (normal?) situation where the child hates his bully. Our son is stressed, and wants the bullying to stop, but loves his bully. Do you know of any sources of advice for this odd situation? Or have any suggestions about what can we do?
Alex and Tom were at pre-school together for around a year. When Alex first started pre-school, he was shy and found it difficult to settle, and so we were very happy that he managed to latch on to Tom and play with him. But Tom became more and more unruly and rude, and started to dominate Alex so much that the pre-school teachers warned us that the friendship was becoming problematic.
Since they both started school, Tom's behaviour has become worse -- he is rude to his teachers (and me), and he's in continual trouble at school. Alex's behaviour is generally good, but he seems to spend much of his free time hanging around watching while Tom misbehaves. As I understand it, Tom won't 'allow' Alex to play with other children. And, in the last 2 weeks, Alex has come home with scratches on his face (from Tom), and twice has had to change his clothes at school because Tom has thrown water over him. Alex is stressed by this.
Despite all this, we are completely unable to convince Alex to play with anyone other than Tom. There are children in his class that Alex has known since birth (and who are very fond of him). There are children with whom he plays regularly, and who come round to his house often. But, at school, he thinks that Tom is his only friend, and he can't play with anyone else.
The anti-bullying advice I've found focusses on the (normal?) situation where the child hates his bully. Our son is stressed, and wants the bullying to stop, but loves his bully. Do you know of any sources of advice for this odd situation? Or have any suggestions about what can we do?
What do his teachers say when you present them with this information?
posted by thatone at 9:59 AM on May 13, 2013
posted by thatone at 9:59 AM on May 13, 2013
Response by poster: Snazzy67: Tom's parents seem very relaxed about the situation, even though Tom is on behaviour watch at school. It is hard to get through to them, though you may be right that we need to try harder (and perhaps more formally).
thatone: The teachers seem to be trying hard to encourage Alex to play with others, to boost his self confidence, and to help him understand that Tom is not being a true friend. They also plan to put Alex and Tom in separate classes next school year (though that is some way off). Beyond those steps, I think they are also short of ideas.
posted by beniamino at 10:06 AM on May 13, 2013
thatone: The teachers seem to be trying hard to encourage Alex to play with others, to boost his self confidence, and to help him understand that Tom is not being a true friend. They also plan to put Alex and Tom in separate classes next school year (though that is some way off). Beyond those steps, I think they are also short of ideas.
posted by beniamino at 10:06 AM on May 13, 2013
Best answer: Tom is at the "top" of the hierarchy, and your son feels like he need's Tom's approval. You need to get Alex to see himself as equal to Tom (or, and I say this cautiously, as 'better than' Tom in that he is behaving better). Can you get your son to see that Tom is actually weak, not strong, in being so mean? That Tom has no power but what Alex gives him? It will be tricky to explain to a 5 year old. Maybe me-fites can suggest some movies that explain this in an age-appropriate way.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 10:07 AM on May 13, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by St. Peepsburg at 10:07 AM on May 13, 2013 [2 favorites]
Best answer: They also plan to put Alex and Tom in separate classes next school year (though that is some way off).
I'd insist that they move my kid into another class now. "Behaviour watch" and "encouraging" your son to play with others clearly isn't enough. Don't let your son's submissive, following behavior get any more entrenched than it is.
posted by headnsouth at 10:11 AM on May 13, 2013 [10 favorites]
I'd insist that they move my kid into another class now. "Behaviour watch" and "encouraging" your son to play with others clearly isn't enough. Don't let your son's submissive, following behavior get any more entrenched than it is.
posted by headnsouth at 10:11 AM on May 13, 2013 [10 favorites]
Best answer: Well, one thing you can do that you can absolutely control is setting boundaries for when Tom is being mean, and rude to you. Otherwise, the real problem is going to be that Alex is watching Tom get away with bad behavior, and will one day come to believe that there are no consequences for it.
For a five-year-old, if your son is around/witnessing, you can say, "Tom, that was rude. We have a rule where we only treat people nicely in our house, so if you cannot follow that rule, you will have to leave." Then, if he continues his behavior, you must remove him, either by physically taking him back to his parents, or putting him in time-out separately from your son until it is time for him to leave if it's not possible to repatriate him. You can also say things that include consequences, like, "Tom, our rule is that we only play together when we are kind to one another. If you cannot be kind, Alex cannot play with you." To your son, you can reinforce these messages at home without Tom there: "Alex, you know that it's important in our family to be kind to other people. I've noticed that sometimes Tom is mean to you or to others. I want you to know that that is not okay with us, and if I see it happening, we will have to leave together, because I love you too much to let someone be mean to you."
You can also role-play with your son to help him understand when something is kind and when something is mean. It sounds very "duh" to us as adults, but small children may not always understand when confronted with behavior that is mean when it is from someone they like. You can also role-play choices; letting your son choose to spend time with someone who is nice versus someone who is mean will one day empower him to make good choices about who he spends his time with when you're not around to help shape it. It's a crucial life skill! You might seek out a guidance counselor at your son's school, if one is available, to help you navigate this.
I'd also encourage you to engage Alex in some activities outside of school with a different group of kids, if possible. It could be that he just needs to be exposed to a new group of kids, with a different dynamic, for this stuff to click for him. Repetition is key to helping children that age understand people dynamics.
posted by juniperesque at 10:16 AM on May 13, 2013 [9 favorites]
For a five-year-old, if your son is around/witnessing, you can say, "Tom, that was rude. We have a rule where we only treat people nicely in our house, so if you cannot follow that rule, you will have to leave." Then, if he continues his behavior, you must remove him, either by physically taking him back to his parents, or putting him in time-out separately from your son until it is time for him to leave if it's not possible to repatriate him. You can also say things that include consequences, like, "Tom, our rule is that we only play together when we are kind to one another. If you cannot be kind, Alex cannot play with you." To your son, you can reinforce these messages at home without Tom there: "Alex, you know that it's important in our family to be kind to other people. I've noticed that sometimes Tom is mean to you or to others. I want you to know that that is not okay with us, and if I see it happening, we will have to leave together, because I love you too much to let someone be mean to you."
You can also role-play with your son to help him understand when something is kind and when something is mean. It sounds very "duh" to us as adults, but small children may not always understand when confronted with behavior that is mean when it is from someone they like. You can also role-play choices; letting your son choose to spend time with someone who is nice versus someone who is mean will one day empower him to make good choices about who he spends his time with when you're not around to help shape it. It's a crucial life skill! You might seek out a guidance counselor at your son's school, if one is available, to help you navigate this.
I'd also encourage you to engage Alex in some activities outside of school with a different group of kids, if possible. It could be that he just needs to be exposed to a new group of kids, with a different dynamic, for this stuff to click for him. Repetition is key to helping children that age understand people dynamics.
posted by juniperesque at 10:16 AM on May 13, 2013 [9 favorites]
Not sure if this will help, but I was part of a similar bullying situation when I was a child and in the early elementary school years.I still remember how this was resolved.
My mother used to have me reflect on a particular action before and afterwards. So at one point she told me(and I still remember this): Do you like playing with so-and-so? How do you feel afterwards? She may not be treating you well/playing nice (something along these lines).
I remember being annoyed/angry the first time I was told told that.
But then she told me the exact same thing when I returned from an argument/altercation (with name-calling and a bump or scratch) and then I realized that ...the observation was correct, the other person was not playing nice, and that I had the power to change it. I chose not to play with the person/stay away.
I really do think the immediate observation after the painful event was what helped me focus and reflect. But she made the observation, stepped away, and let me decide to do with the information.
The funny thing is that as an adult, I've had a few people tell me "How do you feel? You don't seem happy after you interact with so-and-so" and believe it or not, it has helped me snap out of it and realize that another person may be okay, but is not necessarily the best person for me to interact with and I put up limits or stop interacting with that person.
posted by Wolfster at 10:25 AM on May 13, 2013 [3 favorites]
My mother used to have me reflect on a particular action before and afterwards. So at one point she told me(and I still remember this): Do you like playing with so-and-so? How do you feel afterwards? She may not be treating you well/playing nice (something along these lines).
I remember being annoyed/angry the first time I was told told that.
But then she told me the exact same thing when I returned from an argument/altercation (with name-calling and a bump or scratch) and then I realized that ...the observation was correct, the other person was not playing nice, and that I had the power to change it. I chose not to play with the person/stay away.
I really do think the immediate observation after the painful event was what helped me focus and reflect. But she made the observation, stepped away, and let me decide to do with the information.
The funny thing is that as an adult, I've had a few people tell me "How do you feel? You don't seem happy after you interact with so-and-so" and believe it or not, it has helped me snap out of it and realize that another person may be okay, but is not necessarily the best person for me to interact with and I put up limits or stop interacting with that person.
posted by Wolfster at 10:25 AM on May 13, 2013 [3 favorites]
beniamino: I'd insist that they move my kid into another class now.
No, I'd insist that they move the other kid. Why should your child suffer for the actions of another? You say your child has other friends in the class. He should get to stay with them. It's just as important for him to learn to play with those friends (which he can't do if he's moved) as it is for Tom to learn consequences for his actions.
posted by trivia genius at 10:27 AM on May 13, 2013 [22 favorites]
No, I'd insist that they move the other kid. Why should your child suffer for the actions of another? You say your child has other friends in the class. He should get to stay with them. It's just as important for him to learn to play with those friends (which he can't do if he's moved) as it is for Tom to learn consequences for his actions.
posted by trivia genius at 10:27 AM on May 13, 2013 [22 favorites]
Best answer: I'd suggest also making sure that you model respectful assertiveness at home also, in all directions (adult to adult, adult to kid, kid to adult) so the expectations carry over into less charged areas. Like 'this is how to expect to be treated' 'this is how to respond when you are uncomfortable with how you are treated' etc. And also working on the ability to articulate complicated feelings would be also good, like 'I like Tom, but he frustrates me sometimes'.
Just things to help get Alex more tools to recognize and act when someone is a jackass.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 10:34 AM on May 13, 2013
Just things to help get Alex more tools to recognize and act when someone is a jackass.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 10:34 AM on May 13, 2013
Best answer: I have a Girl Scout troop...my girls are a couple years older, but we have one girl who is a bully and the girls complain about her to me constantly. I take the girl aside a lot to have "you need to be a lot more respectful" type conversations, but she is a very difficult little girl. She also has a cousin in the troop who is in a position closer to that of your son. She's grown up with the bully and loves the bully, but is also scared of her.
One of the things that has helped is that I try to empower the girls being bothered by the bully to stand up for themselves, because I can't always be there to intervene in the situation. I've told them to say, "[Bully], please stop being mean to me. I am [doing this thing] and you're not being respectful of my space." Sure, it's wordy, but it's very direct and very explicit. And the girls seem to be picking it up.
Last meeting we had, the bully's cousin said it and the bully was so taken aback that she sat down and grumped by herself for a while (which is not usually a way that she reacts to being told to back off). And another little girl in the troop said she used the line on someone who was being mean to her at school and it worked there, too.
Try explaining to your son that saying something like that to someone doesn't mean you don't like them or don't want to be friends with them, it just means that you don't like the way that they're acting at that moment. And explain to him that if a friend won't let you play with other kids, they're not acting like a very good friend.
An analogy that might help him--and feel free to translate this into something that he likes, which might not be flowers. Ask him if a flower is pretty. (Yes.) Ask him if two flowers are pretty. (Yes.) Ask him if a whole bouquet of flowers is pretty. (Yes.) Do you think a whole bouquet of flowers is nicer than just one flower? (Probably.) Flowers are like friends--it's nice to have a LOT! It's nice to just play with Tom, but it would be even nicer to play with ALL your friends!
posted by phunniemee at 10:38 AM on May 13, 2013 [4 favorites]
One of the things that has helped is that I try to empower the girls being bothered by the bully to stand up for themselves, because I can't always be there to intervene in the situation. I've told them to say, "[Bully], please stop being mean to me. I am [doing this thing] and you're not being respectful of my space." Sure, it's wordy, but it's very direct and very explicit. And the girls seem to be picking it up.
Last meeting we had, the bully's cousin said it and the bully was so taken aback that she sat down and grumped by herself for a while (which is not usually a way that she reacts to being told to back off). And another little girl in the troop said she used the line on someone who was being mean to her at school and it worked there, too.
Try explaining to your son that saying something like that to someone doesn't mean you don't like them or don't want to be friends with them, it just means that you don't like the way that they're acting at that moment. And explain to him that if a friend won't let you play with other kids, they're not acting like a very good friend.
An analogy that might help him--and feel free to translate this into something that he likes, which might not be flowers. Ask him if a flower is pretty. (Yes.) Ask him if two flowers are pretty. (Yes.) Ask him if a whole bouquet of flowers is pretty. (Yes.) Do you think a whole bouquet of flowers is nicer than just one flower? (Probably.) Flowers are like friends--it's nice to have a LOT! It's nice to just play with Tom, but it would be even nicer to play with ALL your friends!
posted by phunniemee at 10:38 AM on May 13, 2013 [4 favorites]
Best answer: I'd insist that they move my kid into another class now.
No, I'd insist that they move the other kid. Why should your child suffer for the actions of another?
Yes, of course. At that age I'd be satisfied with either though, just get my kid out from under that shadow. I don't know that at age 5 it would feel like punishment to be moved, certainly later it would. But even so I still wouldn't hold out for principle's sake. I would not wait one more day to make sure my child is no longer in an environment where another person isolates him and makes him disbelieve the loving adults in his life who are encouraging him.
He is, at age 5, choosing to believe a bully over his parents, a negative view of his opinions and self over a positive one. His self-image isn't hard-wired just yet but it's getting there -- these are formative experiences. Don't just encourage assertiveness, demonstrate it.
posted by headnsouth at 10:39 AM on May 13, 2013 [3 favorites]
No, I'd insist that they move the other kid. Why should your child suffer for the actions of another?
Yes, of course. At that age I'd be satisfied with either though, just get my kid out from under that shadow. I don't know that at age 5 it would feel like punishment to be moved, certainly later it would. But even so I still wouldn't hold out for principle's sake. I would not wait one more day to make sure my child is no longer in an environment where another person isolates him and makes him disbelieve the loving adults in his life who are encouraging him.
He is, at age 5, choosing to believe a bully over his parents, a negative view of his opinions and self over a positive one. His self-image isn't hard-wired just yet but it's getting there -- these are formative experiences. Don't just encourage assertiveness, demonstrate it.
posted by headnsouth at 10:39 AM on May 13, 2013 [3 favorites]
No more out of school play dates, to start. Call the parents and formally tell them that their son's behavior and influence is negatively affecting your son. Let them know that your son loves their son very much and would like to continue the friendship once they get their son some help. Then give them the numbers of all the family therapists in town.
As far as your son, he needs something to excel in. He needs to find his super powers. Is there any one thing that interests him more than anything else? Something that he feels invincible while doing? If not, start enrolling him in every camp and activity that you can afford. He needs to find his niche and develop a healthy sense of self. I'm speaking from experience. I failed in this. My oldest son was bullied for years. If it wasn't one kid, it was another. He has very low self esteem. Now, at 15, he has finally found something that he likes and his self esteem is growing. I wish I could have found him something sooner.
posted by myselfasme at 11:01 AM on May 13, 2013
As far as your son, he needs something to excel in. He needs to find his super powers. Is there any one thing that interests him more than anything else? Something that he feels invincible while doing? If not, start enrolling him in every camp and activity that you can afford. He needs to find his niche and develop a healthy sense of self. I'm speaking from experience. I failed in this. My oldest son was bullied for years. If it wasn't one kid, it was another. He has very low self esteem. Now, at 15, he has finally found something that he likes and his self esteem is growing. I wish I could have found him something sooner.
posted by myselfasme at 11:01 AM on May 13, 2013
Our 4-year-old has been dealing with a similar situation, where a child she likes says mean things and bullies her. We set down some guidelines for how to behave, and drill her on them, and when she's done them they seem to work:
1. Say LOUDLY (I always tell her to not be afraid to embarrass the bully), "Don't call me that name! That's mean and I don't like it!" (FWIW, this has worked 85% of the time she's had to pull it out.)
2. If the behavior continues, tell her teacher. Teacher must deal with it. (And this has worked the other 15%.)
3. If the behavior still continues, DO WHAT SHE CAN to make it stop. (I have specifically left the "what you can" vague; I don't want to come up with solutions for her at this stage.)
I also tell her, during our drills and role-play, that if I get a call from the teacher that she went to step 3, my first question will be to her, "Did you tell your teacher?" and the second one (after an affirmative to this question) will be to the teacher, "Why did you let it continue?" I'm explicitly telling her here that I have her back. If she were to get detention in grade school for fixing the problem, I'll sit there right with her, and I'll back her up to the hilt with the establishment.
I was bullied in school, and my parents' solution was to try to understand the bully's perspective and why they might be bullying me. Didn't work. All it did was teach me that my feelings weren't as important as the bully's. Dang if I'm gonna let that happen to my children.
posted by tigerjade at 11:09 AM on May 13, 2013 [14 favorites]
1. Say LOUDLY (I always tell her to not be afraid to embarrass the bully), "Don't call me that name! That's mean and I don't like it!" (FWIW, this has worked 85% of the time she's had to pull it out.)
2. If the behavior continues, tell her teacher. Teacher must deal with it. (And this has worked the other 15%.)
3. If the behavior still continues, DO WHAT SHE CAN to make it stop. (I have specifically left the "what you can" vague; I don't want to come up with solutions for her at this stage.)
I also tell her, during our drills and role-play, that if I get a call from the teacher that she went to step 3, my first question will be to her, "Did you tell your teacher?" and the second one (after an affirmative to this question) will be to the teacher, "Why did you let it continue?" I'm explicitly telling her here that I have her back. If she were to get detention in grade school for fixing the problem, I'll sit there right with her, and I'll back her up to the hilt with the establishment.
I was bullied in school, and my parents' solution was to try to understand the bully's perspective and why they might be bullying me. Didn't work. All it did was teach me that my feelings weren't as important as the bully's. Dang if I'm gonna let that happen to my children.
posted by tigerjade at 11:09 AM on May 13, 2013 [14 favorites]
I made a complete, total and loud ass of myself to get my preschooler moved out of a classroom where he was being mistreated (by a teacher actually). The school made out like this was the first time ever someone had been 'allowed' to do it. It was a horribly stressful time for me, but as his parent it was what I did. He improved dramatically the moment he was in the new classroom.
Take that stress on yourself as the parent and move heaven and earth to get the school to make the move now. You won't regret it.
posted by thatone at 12:45 PM on May 13, 2013 [4 favorites]
Take that stress on yourself as the parent and move heaven and earth to get the school to make the move now. You won't regret it.
posted by thatone at 12:45 PM on May 13, 2013 [4 favorites]
Best answer: move heaven and earth to get the school to make the move now
Yeah, Alex already thinks it's OK for Tom to bully him. You don't want it to look like you agree.
posted by selfmedicating at 1:25 PM on May 13, 2013 [3 favorites]
Yeah, Alex already thinks it's OK for Tom to bully him. You don't want it to look like you agree.
posted by selfmedicating at 1:25 PM on May 13, 2013 [3 favorites]
Best answer: I just agree that you should get them separated. Your question was to help Alex break free, but really, I don't think any 5 year old can really do that. He needs your help. Good luck, I know its hard to watch your baby suffer.
posted by hollyanderbody at 1:28 PM on May 13, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by hollyanderbody at 1:28 PM on May 13, 2013 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Whatever you do, DO NOT let the kids stay together! Get Tom moved out of that class ASAP. If the teachers balk, take it higher. If you have no other choice, take Alex out of the class, but get him away from Tom.
Personally, I feel like more interventions need to be made to get Tom help too. These are very formative years. Bullies like Tom don't just make other kids uncomfortable, they set up unhealthy examples for kids to follow (you can see this happening with your own child), and their behaviors cause real long-term harm.
My sons had a friend who had a lot of problem behaviors, which I recognized and kept a close eye on. The kids always played at our house. My spouse and I tried giving the boy support and encouragement because his parents were virtually absent from his life and a lot of his problem behavior stemmed, I think, from that lack of love and structure. But when it became apparent that this kid was just not safe for our kids to be around, I made the tough decision to cut him completely out of our lives.
It was tough, and a couple times my kids would ask about him, but less than you would think, and today they thank me for making the tough call. They have great, supportive, nurturing friendships that have carried them through all the way to high school and even beyond, and I feel good about that.
I am not trying to scare you! Your son is a kid with a big heart. Mine is like that too--he would almost rather just be hurt himself than be "mean" and tell on someone for bullying. Unfortunately, our kids are just ripe for this kind of predatory bully to latch onto. So you have to really keep an eye out for Alex, and teach him that friends who hurt you are not real friends at all.
Fortunately, your son likely gets his empathy from you, and you are right on top of this!
posted by misha at 1:40 PM on May 13, 2013 [2 favorites]
Personally, I feel like more interventions need to be made to get Tom help too. These are very formative years. Bullies like Tom don't just make other kids uncomfortable, they set up unhealthy examples for kids to follow (you can see this happening with your own child), and their behaviors cause real long-term harm.
My sons had a friend who had a lot of problem behaviors, which I recognized and kept a close eye on. The kids always played at our house. My spouse and I tried giving the boy support and encouragement because his parents were virtually absent from his life and a lot of his problem behavior stemmed, I think, from that lack of love and structure. But when it became apparent that this kid was just not safe for our kids to be around, I made the tough decision to cut him completely out of our lives.
It was tough, and a couple times my kids would ask about him, but less than you would think, and today they thank me for making the tough call. They have great, supportive, nurturing friendships that have carried them through all the way to high school and even beyond, and I feel good about that.
I am not trying to scare you! Your son is a kid with a big heart. Mine is like that too--he would almost rather just be hurt himself than be "mean" and tell on someone for bullying. Unfortunately, our kids are just ripe for this kind of predatory bully to latch onto. So you have to really keep an eye out for Alex, and teach him that friends who hurt you are not real friends at all.
Fortunately, your son likely gets his empathy from you, and you are right on top of this!
posted by misha at 1:40 PM on May 13, 2013 [2 favorites]
I was a bullied 5-year-old and I wish to god I'd been moved out of class. Unfortunately, they decided to solve the problem by blaming it on my lack of social development and held me back a year instead.
I would not trust that anyone else is going to get a bully not to bully. Just get your kid away from him ASAP. Even if it's "not his fault" and he "loses friends," move him. (Especially if it's apparently not okay by Tom for him to socialize with those kids at school anyway!) It's your problem, not Tom's--which is to say, you can't make them move him. You can only help your own kid.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:15 PM on May 13, 2013
I would not trust that anyone else is going to get a bully not to bully. Just get your kid away from him ASAP. Even if it's "not his fault" and he "loses friends," move him. (Especially if it's apparently not okay by Tom for him to socialize with those kids at school anyway!) It's your problem, not Tom's--which is to say, you can't make them move him. You can only help your own kid.
posted by jenfullmoon at 10:15 PM on May 13, 2013
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I would start there, perhaps a meeting with the teachers and them.
posted by Snazzy67 at 9:55 AM on May 13, 2013 [1 favorite]