Engagement ring substitute ideas?

May 8, 2013 6:55 PM

I got engaged - yay! He didn't get me an engagement ring, which is fine with me because it was a mutual "how about it?" discussion...

Also, while rings are pretty and all I'm not into the lady getting a ring while the dude gets nada - you've both got dibs on each other after all, and [insert sexism/gender discussion here]. No judgement on people who are into them, I like a ring as much as the next person.

BUT, I would like us both to mark the occasion with some sort of trinket that will stand the test of time. But what? I'm not against having an engagement ring for myself, but is there an equivalent ring I can get for him? Or something else altogether? He already has a watch. I have a preference for something that is worn. It can be non-wearable, but we don't like having loads of "stuff" so I don't want to get, like, a Swarovski crystal gorilla or anything.

It doesn't have to cost a lot (although I am of relatively decent means and can shell out for the right thing), it can be something left of field, it just has to be heartfelt and made to last. And small. That's why rings are awesome I think, but thought you guys could help me brainstorm this sucker.

Thanks!

posted by scuza to Society & Culture (35 answers total)

Tattoo?

(Sorry, you nixed my only good suggestion when you rejected the Swarovski crystal gorilla idea. Picky, much? ;)
posted by Salamander at 7:00 PM on May 8, 2013 [7 favorites]

Depends on whether your guy likes this sort of thing, but the only thing I have on my person more consistently than pants is a pocketknife.
posted by bfranklin at 7:00 PM on May 8, 2013 [3 favorites]

There are lots of couples rings sets that match. Men can wear engagement rings - as long as he is comfortable with it. I mean you wear one, and he will wear one when he's married. I've seen lots of guys wear engagement rings or promise rings.

You could also get each other electronic devices that can be engraved with a special message. Then it's not just something engraved that sits around, but you can use it too. (Apple can engrave ipods, ipad, etc.)

My husband and I got matching ring finger tattoos, but that was after we were married. Not sure if you want something so permanent for an engagement, or if you even like tattoos.
posted by Crystalinne at 7:03 PM on May 8, 2013 [1 favorite]

You could go all retro and do ID bracelets. Or go super practical and unsexy and make them medic alert bracelets.
posted by phunniemee at 7:06 PM on May 8, 2013 [5 favorites]

Mr. Darling and I bought a new sofa instead of a ring when we decided to get married. The sofa lasted about 8 years but the marriage is going on 23. Treat yourself to something domestic you both would enjoy?
posted by Sweetie Darling at 7:13 PM on May 8, 2013 [4 favorites]

I bought my husband a Mont Blanc fountain pen, had it engraved.
posted by Ideefixe at 7:15 PM on May 8, 2013 [1 favorite]

My partner and I both got rings, for exactly the reason you stated. They're from Wedgewood Rings, which came highly recommended from an old AskMe. Mine has wood on the outside with the metal band inside, and his is the other way 'round. We think they're snazzy.
posted by teremala at 7:15 PM on May 8, 2013 [3 favorites]

A house. Seriously. A down payment on a house.
And if you own a house already, than plant trees for said house.
posted by QueerAngel28 at 7:16 PM on May 8, 2013 [3 favorites]

Response by poster: Ooh QueerAngel, I'd love to but I live in Sydney and no one can afford to buy a house here. Great idea though.

Everyone these are great suggestions. Pocket knife is great too as SO is somewhat outdoorsy. Keep em coming!
posted by scuza at 7:18 PM on May 8, 2013

A silver picture frame engraved with your wedding date to hold a picture of you two. When is the date?
posted by Tanizaki at 7:19 PM on May 8, 2013

You can buy him a ring. There is absolutely nothing anywhere that says he can't wear the ring, take it off the day of the ceremony, and then put it back on at the Big Wedding Moment.

(I got my husband an engagement lighter.)
posted by DarlingBri at 7:20 PM on May 8, 2013 [2 favorites]

Engagement cuff links or collar stays, both of which he could wear at the wedding. Lots of nice, customizable options on Etsy.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:22 PM on May 8, 2013 [1 favorite]

Ooh QueerAngel, I'd love to but I live in Sydney and no one can afford to buy a house here. Great idea though.

Oh, I hear ya. I live in Perth.

ThePinkSuperhero's cuff link idea is perfect. Or, engraved money clip, hip flask, pocket knife.

Sterling silver keyring with your wedding date and initials engraved on it.
posted by Salamander at 7:40 PM on May 8, 2013 [1 favorite]

Mrs. alms and I both have engagement rings. Neither one looks like the traditional "big rock" diamond engagement ring.

I former partner and I exchanged different kinds of rings. I gave her an ear cuff and she gave me a toe ring. Those were fabulous and very special. I still remember what it felt like to wear it.
posted by alms at 7:41 PM on May 8, 2013

I got my husband a titanium engagement ring. It doesn't go with his wedding band, so he wears it on his other hand now sometimes. (My engagement ring was a claddagh, and I wear a $5 silver ring as a wedding band these days, except on occasions where I wear an enormous honking $30 cubic zirconia bridal set. We're not overly sentimental about the jewelry itself.)
posted by Lyn Never at 7:45 PM on May 8, 2013

Go with a ring. You know why people wear engagement/wedding rings? Because they're actually pretty damn hard to lose. Pocket knives, pens, wallets... all that stuff, I've gotten dozens of commemorative or congratulatory things like that over the years, and I either lose them or never carry them around with me for fear of losing them. Never lost a ring, though. Not one. Get him a ring, and then upgrade it when you get married.
posted by Etrigan at 8:06 PM on May 8, 2013 [1 favorite]

My ideas for engagement trinkets were:
- matching sneakers (we haven't agreed on a style, but still possible in the remaining months before the wedding)
- matching hoodies (actually this was my friend's idea and she left the hoodies in a taxi cab)

Other friends have gotten engagement road bikes and engagement experiences (skydiving together).

When I mentioned to a married pal that I felt strange about my engagement present ideas being so non-durable, she responded that she only wore her engagement ring regularly up until the wedding itself, at which point she started wearing the wedding band daily and only slips on the engagement rock for special occasions.

So if you want something heartfelt but are okay with the idea of "made to last" being reserved for the wedding rings, you can get even more creative.
posted by spamandkimchi at 8:15 PM on May 8, 2013

Why not get a ring, really? stet got me a ring and a semi-surprise proposal, then I got him one (and a surprise presentation thereof). We wore them on our right hands until we got married, when we switched them to our left hands (so, one ring each, no engagement + wedding band for me). He says he loved having an engagement ring.
posted by librarina at 8:27 PM on May 8, 2013 [1 favorite]

We went shopping and bought/designed an engagement ring and a wedding ring for me and a cool ring for him that has two parts (and they rotate), which he considers his engagement ring and wedding ring all in one.

I later got him a custom-made tie tack with a piece of lavender jade, too. :)
posted by wintersweet at 8:46 PM on May 8, 2013

I like the early wedding ring idea and really like the cuff links idea. You can find some really neat, special cuff links and those are the kind of thing that many guys don't think they need.... Until they do. Just bought my hub of 20 years his first pair, Made from the inner workings of an old watch, gorgeous and he loved them. Totally not into jewelry but this was something that he liked and he bought a new dress shirt to use them with. Congrats!!
posted by pearlybob at 8:55 PM on May 8, 2013

Original artwork?
posted by St. Peepsburg at 9:04 PM on May 8, 2013 [2 favorites]

My spouse and I each got half of the Origin of Love symbol from Hedwig and the Angry Inch as engagement tattoos, which have the virtue of being hard to leave on the bus accidentally. I'm going with Etrigan on this: whatever you choose, make it something hard to lose. Jewelry is pretty good that way. A pocket watch is classic memento.

Or have a portrait of the two of you painted. Really: there are artists who will do this for a reasonable cost, on Etsy, for example.
posted by DrMew at 9:20 PM on May 8, 2013

Best answer: Your story reminds me of a cool lady I know who got engaged in similar circumstances (she asked him) - and your comment about having "dibs" on one another is almost word for word what she said! Both of them ended up getting engagement rings - she got a beautiful and fairly traditional looking shiny rock, but it was moissanite instead of diamond, and came from ebay, meaning it was very affordable (and lacking the ethical problems of the diamond industry). He got a titanium ring inlaid with meteorite, which I think is also a spinning ring (he said if he was going to wear a ring it should also be a toy). He, no less than she, got a kick out of showing off his ring to their friends! They were totally different ideas but there was a thematic link - moissanite, which is now made synthetically, was originally discovered insite a meteorite. Both rings together cost less than $1K, and were very meaningful for them.

I know your question asked about alternatives to getting a ring, but I wanted to comment on the ring-each solution, because it sounds as if you would not be averse to a ring. If your future husband would prefer something else, others have good suggestions - I've heard of a stereo and a bbq being given in this way. I also wanted to say that you can have a ring and not have to spend thousands of dollars. You can have a ring, especially as an adult and financially independent woman, without it implying that you are being bought. You can have a ring and be part of that tradition without signing up for any other wedding traditions - in fact I hope that you will take from the numerous wedding traditions only the things that are meaningful, authentic and fun for you and your future husband.

Congratulations on your engagement and best wishes for your future lives together!
posted by Cheese Monster at 12:55 AM on May 9, 2013 [2 favorites]

My grandmother wanted to give me a big gold signet ring to celebrate my 21st birthday.
This idea horrified me.

So when I politely suggested that due to my work as an engineer I couldn't really wear rings (A lie, obviously) she bought me a medieval broadsword instead.

I still have that sword, because a great big sword is hard to accidentally lose. I would certainly have lost the ring.
posted by Just this guy, y'know at 2:37 AM on May 9, 2013 [3 favorites]

previously on Ask: Wedding commitment symbol that is not a ring?
posted by scruss at 4:57 AM on May 9, 2013

Adding my support for a pocketknife. I always thought that a Laguiole knife would make a great dude engagement gift. Useful so it's not just "more stuff" but fancier than a purely utilitarian knife like a swiss army.

My boyfriend claims to want an engagement cat. So...engagement kitty? (or puppy)
posted by quaking fajita at 5:07 AM on May 9, 2013

I surprised my fiance an engagement BBQ. That may not be exactly what you're looking for, but for him/me it was awesome. He loves BBQing, he really prides himself in being awesome at it, he loves cooking for me, so it was something I knew he'd use and appreicate. He thinks it is about the coolest thing anyone has ever given him and the most thoughtful thing he has ever experienced. He named his BBQ "Scott". He loves Scott almost as much as he loves me. It is a bit odd but it is something that showed I knew what he liked and enjoyed and that I put some real thought behind it. The engagement BBQ may not last forever, but it will probably last to our 10 year anniversary at which point, hey! 10th anniversary BBQ present!

My suggestion I guess is to go off the beaten trail a bit. Invest your time in to finding something you know he will absolutely love and that has meaning for the both of you, no matter how un-engagement-y it is. Does he love chinese food and your first date was going out for chinese food? Get him a set of really fancy dancy chopsticks! That sort of thing.


Congrats on your engagement!
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 5:16 AM on May 9, 2013 [1 favorite]

whatever you choose, make it something hard to lose.

Or something relatively easy to replace. We're on about the 4th incarnation of the Engagement Lighter. We still call it the Engagement Lighter.
posted by DarlingBri at 5:46 AM on May 9, 2013 [2 favorites]

Congrats!

I have a traditional 3 stone ring. I didn't get diamonds, I got CZ, mostly because it's an ornament and thus not really worth spending real money on, additionally I have issues with the diamond industry.

I gave Husbunny a gold cigar band ring, which he wore until we were married, and now he wears his wedding ring. I took the cigar band ring in to be melted down because he never wore it and hey, why not get a couple of bucks?

At any rate, get a ring you like and at the same time he can select something of equal value that he likes. A watch, cufflinks, a diamond nose stud. Whatever floats your boat.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 6:17 AM on May 9, 2013

Spouse and I got rings for engagement (although his was quite a bit cheaper than hers, but still striking). He still wears his, just on the other hand for dressing up reasons!

(and many of his male colleagues were very envious that he got to be part of the pre-wedding festivities too. seriously envious.)
posted by acm at 6:45 AM on May 9, 2013

Necklace, if sturdy, might be a good alternative to a ring, especially if the wearer uses their hands a lot and would need to take it off frequently anyways.
posted by windykites at 6:58 AM on May 9, 2013

(Would need to take a ring off frequently)
posted by windykites at 7:00 AM on May 9, 2013

First off, congrats!

My husband and I didn't get engaged, per se -- it sounds similar to how you guys decided, and we never referred to each other as fiances.

My husband doesn't like rings and didn't get one when we got married (although he did the next year) -- he got an upright bass. Sounds silly, but he'd wanted one, and every time he plays it it is a reminder.

It wasn't important to me to have an engagement ring at all, but my husband surprised me when we went shopping for my wedding ring, by insisting it be "fancy" so I have a diamond band.
posted by hrj at 7:58 AM on May 9, 2013

Another vote for a necklace - you could each wear a simple silver (or whatever) disc with each other's birthday engraved on it, for example, or the "date of the big conversation", or the lat/long coordinates where the other person was born. I've seen cool pendants made out of coins with each other's birth date/first date date/etc.
posted by ersatzkat at 8:58 AM on May 9, 2013 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: Hello everyone, an update.

I wanted it to be a surprise, but realised that's not going to happen after getting a bit flummoxed by all the great suggestions. Turns out he's not into wearing rings (as suspected) but we're both going to do "something" non-ring-related as we don't want to make getting the actual wedding rings a second time thing. And it's going to be pretty nice (not expensive, just nice).

Best answers for all if I could but special thanks to Cheese Monster for a particularly lovely response.
posted by scuza at 4:38 PM on May 9, 2013