Not Quite Jim and Pam
April 29, 2013 9:41 AM
In a dating scenairo, when a girl respond to a guy's request for a date with a nonspecific "maybe some other time," does it actually means "No"?
So I like this co-worker and was finally able to summon up the courage to ask her for a simple, casual dinner date after work. We had a decent time, not spectacular, and parted way on friendly terms and she mentioned something along the line of "next time." So I was hopeful. A bit later, I send her a email asking whether she want to join me for a movie on a weekend night. To that she replied that she "had other plans, perhaps another time," full stop.
I am not experienced in dating at all, which is why I am asking this here. I've been told that the phrase "perhaps another time" without any specific follow up offer is a polite way for a girl to say thanks but no thanks to potential suitors. Is this really the case? As you can see I really like this woman, but I don't want to come off as a pushy creep who can't take a hint. Should I even pursue this further?
So I like this co-worker and was finally able to summon up the courage to ask her for a simple, casual dinner date after work. We had a decent time, not spectacular, and parted way on friendly terms and she mentioned something along the line of "next time." So I was hopeful. A bit later, I send her a email asking whether she want to join me for a movie on a weekend night. To that she replied that she "had other plans, perhaps another time," full stop.
I am not experienced in dating at all, which is why I am asking this here. I've been told that the phrase "perhaps another time" without any specific follow up offer is a polite way for a girl to say thanks but no thanks to potential suitors. Is this really the case? As you can see I really like this woman, but I don't want to come off as a pushy creep who can't take a hint. Should I even pursue this further?
Good chance. It certainly doesn't sound like it's going to go anywhere. However I would do a follow up in, say two weeks and if you get similar then yeah drop it.
posted by edgeways at 9:44 AM on April 29, 2013
posted by edgeways at 9:44 AM on April 29, 2013
She doesn't want to date you, but she also doesn't want to shoot you down coldly/hurtfully because you are coworkers and have to see one another professionally every day. Do not pursue this further. If she does actually want to potentially date you, the ball is now firmly in her court.
In the future, dating in the workplace is really not recommended by anyone with common sense.
posted by elizardbits at 9:44 AM on April 29, 2013
In the future, dating in the workplace is really not recommended by anyone with common sense.
posted by elizardbits at 9:44 AM on April 29, 2013
Yes, it could very well mean that. You could give it a couple of weeks to see if she initiates anything. If you really can't help yourself, you could initiate it one more time with some kind of caveat saying that you had a nice time but you understand if she doesn't want to take things further.
posted by Eicats at 9:44 AM on April 29, 2013
posted by Eicats at 9:44 AM on April 29, 2013
Is she a shy person? If so, she might be having the same problem that you are. But probably, she isn't interested but doesn't want to turn you down. The ball is in her court at this point.
posted by Etrigan at 9:45 AM on April 29, 2013
posted by Etrigan at 9:45 AM on April 29, 2013
Don't ask again. You've expressed your interest clearly. She will initiate something if she really means "some other time," but realistically, she's giving you the brush off.
Plenty of fish in the sea, etc.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 9:46 AM on April 29, 2013
Plenty of fish in the sea, etc.
posted by Admiral Haddock at 9:46 AM on April 29, 2013
When I really want to see a guy again, but I have plans, I say, "I'm sorry, I have plans for Friday. Could we do it Saturday?"
In the past I've said, "Some other time," when I meant, "No, thanks."
posted by mibo at 9:47 AM on April 29, 2013
In the past I've said, "Some other time," when I meant, "No, thanks."
posted by mibo at 9:47 AM on April 29, 2013
I'd say she's being polite and saying no. There's an outside chance that she's just being flaky, but in either case: you've indicated your interest, let her make the next move.
posted by dinty_moore at 9:48 AM on April 29, 2013
posted by dinty_moore at 9:48 AM on April 29, 2013
Usually if someone doesn't follow up with a "Friday doesn't work for me, but are you free Saturday or Monday?" then it is a "no." I wouldn't pursue anything further unless she follows up in under a week. After that, I'd move on to greener pastures.
posted by hollypolly at 9:48 AM on April 29, 2013
posted by hollypolly at 9:48 AM on April 29, 2013
Pretty much was going to type what elizardbits said, but then it was already said.
A lot of people are really not good at rejecting other people, so they say things which in their mind cushion the blow but actually just make the situation sort of murky for the other person. This is one of those.
What I would do is just assume that she was politely indicating lack of interest, and leave it alone. The way I see it, if I'm right, then this has all gone as painlessly as possible. If I'm wrong, then all you're missing out on is a second date with someone with whom you had an unexceptional first date and whose style of communication is so different from your own that you had to ask the internet what she meant. You're not exactly missing out on a glorious future with them, you know?
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 9:52 AM on April 29, 2013
A lot of people are really not good at rejecting other people, so they say things which in their mind cushion the blow but actually just make the situation sort of murky for the other person. This is one of those.
What I would do is just assume that she was politely indicating lack of interest, and leave it alone. The way I see it, if I'm right, then this has all gone as painlessly as possible. If I'm wrong, then all you're missing out on is a second date with someone with whom you had an unexceptional first date and whose style of communication is so different from your own that you had to ask the internet what she meant. You're not exactly missing out on a glorious future with them, you know?
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 9:52 AM on April 29, 2013
You could reply with something like "Let me know when you'd like to get together again". Then she will know that you're not asking again, so if she's interested, she'll have to ask you.
Then, you can always invite her to hang out in group contexts, but don't be too pushy. And do look around for other people to date yourself.
posted by amtho at 9:53 AM on April 29, 2013
Then, you can always invite her to hang out in group contexts, but don't be too pushy. And do look around for other people to date yourself.
posted by amtho at 9:53 AM on April 29, 2013
Is this really the case?
Yes. elizardbits said it quite well. She is rejecting you politely. Please do not make her reject you impolitely. Since this is going on at work (which I recommend against in the future), she might get management involved if you do not leave this alone.
In my opinion.
posted by Tanizaki at 9:56 AM on April 29, 2013
Yes. elizardbits said it quite well. She is rejecting you politely. Please do not make her reject you impolitely. Since this is going on at work (which I recommend against in the future), she might get management involved if you do not leave this alone.
In my opinion.
posted by Tanizaki at 9:56 AM on April 29, 2013
Nthing that yes, this is indeed one way that women politely reject men early on. And since she's a coworker, you don't want to push it.
If she had said "Let's definitely do it another time," or "Let's get together again soon" - then I'd say "Cool, let me know when you're free" and let her suggest a time.
Since she gave you the very cold "perhaps another time." (if that was in fact word for word), I'd just drop it. She's not interested.
You want somebody who likes you a LOT - who will immediately suggest hanging out a different time if she can't make it the first time. You don't want to have to coax someone into seeing you. : )
posted by amaire at 9:57 AM on April 29, 2013
If she had said "Let's definitely do it another time," or "Let's get together again soon" - then I'd say "Cool, let me know when you're free" and let her suggest a time.
Since she gave you the very cold "perhaps another time." (if that was in fact word for word), I'd just drop it. She's not interested.
You want somebody who likes you a LOT - who will immediately suggest hanging out a different time if she can't make it the first time. You don't want to have to coax someone into seeing you. : )
posted by amaire at 9:57 AM on April 29, 2013
She's not interested. Pursuing this further would make her feel uncomfortable.
posted by KokuRyu at 9:58 AM on April 29, 2013
posted by KokuRyu at 9:58 AM on April 29, 2013
We're all done here.
You gave it a shot, she's not interested. That's cool. Good for you for taking the chance.
In the future, you may want to date folks outside of your workplace, because this situation can get very awkward, very quickly.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 10:09 AM on April 29, 2013
You gave it a shot, she's not interested. That's cool. Good for you for taking the chance.
In the future, you may want to date folks outside of your workplace, because this situation can get very awkward, very quickly.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 10:09 AM on April 29, 2013
A simple "No problem, let me if you'll to go out again" would suffice, that way you let her know the ball is her court.
Then you drop it. Really, just drop it, don't obsess or moon over her or the situation, let it go and make either dates. At work, you remain friendly and nice, but don't bring up the subject.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:20 AM on April 29, 2013
Then you drop it. Really, just drop it, don't obsess or moon over her or the situation, let it go and make either dates. At work, you remain friendly and nice, but don't bring up the subject.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 10:20 AM on April 29, 2013
she might get management involved if you do not leave this alone.
Agreeing with others that yes, she has turned you down politely. It sounds like you are prepared for this and have no intention of pursuing it further so long as she's actually saying no thanks. (Which she is.)
I just wanted to chime in on the point quoted above, to say that so far, it sounds to me like you've done absolutely nothing untoward and have been respectful about this. Since you say you're new to dating, I thought maybe you might read the above and think "oh god have I already passed the pushy creep line!?!"
Drop it now and you're good to go.
And I know people are saying don't date coworkers, but, like, she could have easily said no thanks to the first date invitation. I don't think you've done anything weird here.
posted by phunniemee at 10:26 AM on April 29, 2013
Agreeing with others that yes, she has turned you down politely. It sounds like you are prepared for this and have no intention of pursuing it further so long as she's actually saying no thanks. (Which she is.)
I just wanted to chime in on the point quoted above, to say that so far, it sounds to me like you've done absolutely nothing untoward and have been respectful about this. Since you say you're new to dating, I thought maybe you might read the above and think "oh god have I already passed the pushy creep line!?!"
Drop it now and you're good to go.
And I know people are saying don't date coworkers, but, like, she could have easily said no thanks to the first date invitation. I don't think you've done anything weird here.
posted by phunniemee at 10:26 AM on April 29, 2013
A lot of people are really not good at rejecting other people, so they say things which in their mind cushion the blow but actually just make the situation sort of murky for the other person. This is one of those.
I agree that she's saying "no." In many cultures, including the one that I grew up in, and the one of Miss Manner's, this IS an explicit "no," with no cushioning included. It would just be a basic, polite "no." As with so much courtesy (see the required-by-courtesy "You can't leave our dinner party yet! It's still early!" even though it's midnight), it bears a strong resemblance to hypocrisy.
posted by small_ruminant at 10:50 AM on April 29, 2013
I agree that she's saying "no." In many cultures, including the one that I grew up in, and the one of Miss Manner's, this IS an explicit "no," with no cushioning included. It would just be a basic, polite "no." As with so much courtesy (see the required-by-courtesy "You can't leave our dinner party yet! It's still early!" even though it's midnight), it bears a strong resemblance to hypocrisy.
posted by small_ruminant at 10:50 AM on April 29, 2013
If you are a guy, don't chase women. It isn't worth it--either they have no interest, or are the type of person who engages in game playing.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:51 AM on April 29, 2013
posted by Ironmouth at 10:51 AM on April 29, 2013
I don't disagree that this sounds like she's not interested, but I do disagree that you're somehow on the edge of becoming creepy or forcing her to contact management. I don't think it's worth asking her out again, but when somebody has said "maybe another time," I think you're okay to ask her one more time without being told you're a creep. I mean, sure, I think the odds are that she's rejecting you politely, but adult women are also allowed to say "I don't think so, but thank you for asking," rather than "Maybe another time," and if a woman doesn't want to say no and wants to kick the can down the road by saying she might say yes if you asked at a different time, she can hardly complain that you asked her about another time. Once, anyway. I don't think you'd be a weirdo if you acted like "maybe another time" left the door open for you to ask about, you know, another time.
In other words, I'd drop it, but I'd drop it with a shrug, and with no sense that you're on the edge of backing her into a corner.
posted by Linda_Holmes at 10:52 AM on April 29, 2013
In other words, I'd drop it, but I'd drop it with a shrug, and with no sense that you're on the edge of backing her into a corner.
posted by Linda_Holmes at 10:52 AM on April 29, 2013
One more voice agreeing that it's best left where it is, though should a similar situation develop, I know scads of people who married colleagues.
If your best sense at some point in the future is that there might be some hope with another co-worker, take your most-polite, low-pressure shot.
posted by ambient2 at 10:53 AM on April 29, 2013
If your best sense at some point in the future is that there might be some hope with another co-worker, take your most-polite, low-pressure shot.
posted by ambient2 at 10:53 AM on April 29, 2013
OP did nothing wrong, but different rules apply re. asking someone out in a work setting vs. in a setting where she can avoid you if she wants to. It's worth taking the extra consideration to not be pushy if she's someone who has to see you at work.
OP, she's politely letting you down, you did nothing wrong, and now it's time to drop it, because it's at work. If she was, say, someone you met through friends, it'd be fine to try one more time.
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:55 AM on April 29, 2013
OP, she's politely letting you down, you did nothing wrong, and now it's time to drop it, because it's at work. If she was, say, someone you met through friends, it'd be fine to try one more time.
posted by fingersandtoes at 10:55 AM on April 29, 2013
I'd only add that dinner and weekend movies are kind of coming on strong for a first date with a coworker. Try happy hour or coffee or "you wanna do something outside of work some time?"
posted by rhizome at 11:14 AM on April 29, 2013
posted by rhizome at 11:14 AM on April 29, 2013
Try happy hour or coffee or "you wanna do something outside of work some time?"
Ehhhh, I dunno. I think it might be best to do the THIS IS A DATE AND I AM CLEARLY ASKING YOU OUT ON A DATE to avoid the just-coworker-buddies-oh-wait-now-you're-trying-to-kiss-me-good-night ambiguity. I say as a girl who initiates (platonic, but not explicitly) hang-out time with my (male) coworkers.
posted by phunniemee at 11:17 AM on April 29, 2013
Ehhhh, I dunno. I think it might be best to do the THIS IS A DATE AND I AM CLEARLY ASKING YOU OUT ON A DATE to avoid the just-coworker-buddies-oh-wait-now-you're-trying-to-kiss-me-good-night ambiguity. I say as a girl who initiates (platonic, but not explicitly) hang-out time with my (male) coworkers.
posted by phunniemee at 11:17 AM on April 29, 2013
Did she realize that the dinner was a date? She might have been unclear on the datiness of said dinner, and upon realizing it was a date, thought, "Oh shit." That's what I think happened.
(That's happened to me more than once. I've learned to stop feeling bad for the guy, but in this modern age of platonic male/female friendships, you need to spell out that it's a date. I hate surprise dates).
I don't think you're crossing any creepy lines yet. The ball is in her court, and if she's into you, she'll let you know somehow. I think if she wanted to date you, the dinner would have gone a little differently.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 11:26 AM on April 29, 2013
(That's happened to me more than once. I've learned to stop feeling bad for the guy, but in this modern age of platonic male/female friendships, you need to spell out that it's a date. I hate surprise dates).
I don't think you're crossing any creepy lines yet. The ball is in her court, and if she's into you, she'll let you know somehow. I think if she wanted to date you, the dinner would have gone a little differently.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 11:26 AM on April 29, 2013
had other plans, perhaps another time
If she really wanted to go out with you another time, she would probably suggest another time, or at least make it clear that she's not brushing you off.
"I actually already have plans, but let's do something soon!" She how that's basically the same thing she said, but less blunt and more inviting?
posted by spaltavian at 11:42 AM on April 29, 2013
If she really wanted to go out with you another time, she would probably suggest another time, or at least make it clear that she's not brushing you off.
"I actually already have plans, but let's do something soon!" She how that's basically the same thing she said, but less blunt and more inviting?
posted by spaltavian at 11:42 AM on April 29, 2013
If a co-worker asked me out for dinner, I would assume it was out of friendship, so unless you made it clear it was a date, I would have assumed it was just friendly.
Do not ask her out again. Asking her out again would border on creepy. Her response to you was exactly how I would have responded if I wasn't interested and felt uncomfortable since you're a co-worker.
posted by parakeetdog at 11:43 AM on April 29, 2013
Do not ask her out again. Asking her out again would border on creepy. Her response to you was exactly how I would have responded if I wasn't interested and felt uncomfortable since you're a co-worker.
posted by parakeetdog at 11:43 AM on April 29, 2013
Adding an amusing anecdote here, despite the fact that i agree with everyone else. My conclusion would still be the same to drop it and move on, but...
I've made plans to go on dates/otherwise hang out with people and gotten reactions like this. Then later, either directly from them or through the grape vine gotten "why didn't you make any effort to try and reschedule or make other plans?" responses later on.
I've been friends with ambiguous people like this for extended periods of time before, and it gets to be really draining and annoying because it's incredibly unclear whether they even want to spend any time with you, and it really feels like they don't want to put any effort in to the interaction.
So i'd say it's a 90% chance she's not interested, and a 10% chance she's just irritatingly ambiguous. But i'd say you should 100% drop this and move on because even if she's an edge case, it's still an enormous frustrating waste of your time.
posted by emptythought at 12:42 PM on April 29, 2013
I've made plans to go on dates/otherwise hang out with people and gotten reactions like this. Then later, either directly from them or through the grape vine gotten "why didn't you make any effort to try and reschedule or make other plans?" responses later on.
I've been friends with ambiguous people like this for extended periods of time before, and it gets to be really draining and annoying because it's incredibly unclear whether they even want to spend any time with you, and it really feels like they don't want to put any effort in to the interaction.
So i'd say it's a 90% chance she's not interested, and a 10% chance she's just irritatingly ambiguous. But i'd say you should 100% drop this and move on because even if she's an edge case, it's still an enormous frustrating waste of your time.
posted by emptythought at 12:42 PM on April 29, 2013
Two not-yeses in succession equal a no.
Given the context I don't think she's being particularly ambiguous. If she is interested it's her move now.
BTW, the advice "don't date coworkers" is because it's pragmatically difficult when Worlds
Collide, not because it's morally wrong. You are not and have not been creepy thus far. However, as stated, two not-yeses equal a no, so don't ask again.
And yeah, irritatingly ambiguous people, who act like this as an ongoing character trait rather than an attempt at diplomacy in a social setting that is proving more high-stakes than they realized? (Such as, oh shit, I'm dating a coworker and worlds are colliding) Lifestyle Irritatingly Ambiguous Persons. LIAPS, for short. Because they're not quite liars. Ooh, it makes me so mad.
posted by tel3path at 4:49 PM on April 29, 2013
Given the context I don't think she's being particularly ambiguous. If she is interested it's her move now.
BTW, the advice "don't date coworkers" is because it's pragmatically difficult when Worlds
Collide, not because it's morally wrong. You are not and have not been creepy thus far. However, as stated, two not-yeses equal a no, so don't ask again.
And yeah, irritatingly ambiguous people, who act like this as an ongoing character trait rather than an attempt at diplomacy in a social setting that is proving more high-stakes than they realized? (Such as, oh shit, I'm dating a coworker and worlds are colliding) Lifestyle Irritatingly Ambiguous Persons. LIAPS, for short. Because they're not quite liars. Ooh, it makes me so mad.
posted by tel3path at 4:49 PM on April 29, 2013
I would certainly take it as a no. If she were keen, she'd have shown it in some way, and maybe suggested an alternative date.
posted by Decani at 5:36 AM on April 30, 2013
posted by Decani at 5:36 AM on April 30, 2013
I agree, unless it is a very unusual situation, it is a rejection. It might feel polite to her, but I am of the opinion that it isn't polite to allow people to have hope of some future relationship when there isn't.
And yes, I also agree that this is probably a good sign that even if she isn't outright rejecting you, that you aren't compatible.
posted by gjc at 6:12 PM on April 30, 2013
And yes, I also agree that this is probably a good sign that even if she isn't outright rejecting you, that you aren't compatible.
posted by gjc at 6:12 PM on April 30, 2013
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 9:43 AM on April 29, 2013