Being there for a long-distance friend
September 12, 2005 10:03 PM Subscribe
How can I be there for a long-distance friend who's going through a devastating breakup?
The specifics: he'd been with his girlfriend for five years, and last week, she broke it off, catching him totally by surprise. The good news is that they're over a thousand miles apart, so that will probably help him to move on. The bad news, of course, is that he's totally devastated, and I want to be there for him, but we're over a thousand miles apart, too (in the other direction). I've never gone through a breakup like this myself, so I don't have experience of my own to draw from. So far, I'm afraid I've said the wrong thing a few times, and when your relationship is based solely on words, that counts for a lot. If he and I were in the same city, I'd make him dinner and take him out and give him lots of hugs, but being so far away, my options are much more limited, and more confusing. (Likewise, there was a similar question a few months ago, but it was geared toward friendships with more of a face-to-face component.)
The possible complicating factor is that I'm female, and have had romantic feelings for him in the past. OK, present. Which he knows about. But I hesitate to even mention that here because I really do want it to be irrelevant to how I handle this - I just want to be a good friend to him. Thanks in advance.
The specifics: he'd been with his girlfriend for five years, and last week, she broke it off, catching him totally by surprise. The good news is that they're over a thousand miles apart, so that will probably help him to move on. The bad news, of course, is that he's totally devastated, and I want to be there for him, but we're over a thousand miles apart, too (in the other direction). I've never gone through a breakup like this myself, so I don't have experience of my own to draw from. So far, I'm afraid I've said the wrong thing a few times, and when your relationship is based solely on words, that counts for a lot. If he and I were in the same city, I'd make him dinner and take him out and give him lots of hugs, but being so far away, my options are much more limited, and more confusing. (Likewise, there was a similar question a few months ago, but it was geared toward friendships with more of a face-to-face component.)
The possible complicating factor is that I'm female, and have had romantic feelings for him in the past. OK, present. Which he knows about. But I hesitate to even mention that here because I really do want it to be irrelevant to how I handle this - I just want to be a good friend to him. Thanks in advance.
You could also point him to this thread posted right below yours.
posted by delmoi at 10:41 PM on September 12, 2005
posted by delmoi at 10:41 PM on September 12, 2005
If he and I were in the same city, I'd make him dinner and take him out and give him lots of hugs
I'm female, and have had romantic feelings for him in the past. OK, present.
I apologize if this is an inappropriate answer, but I am trying to give you my most honest response, speaking as a male, to the question of what you can do to make him feel better: fly to where he is and have sex with him. You didn't ask how to make him feel better and still keep open the possibility of a relationship with him later. You asked how you could make him feel better. And, once again, trying to be honest: you could have sex with him now without even broaching the subject of a relationship. We may be very very different people but in my world this is not outside the definition of "being a good friend to him."
Obviously, for many reasons, this may be the wrong thing to do: emotionally damaging, liable to be a wedge between you, whatever. But I think it's worth somebody saying once.
posted by scarabic at 10:43 PM on September 12, 2005
I'm female, and have had romantic feelings for him in the past. OK, present.
I apologize if this is an inappropriate answer, but I am trying to give you my most honest response, speaking as a male, to the question of what you can do to make him feel better: fly to where he is and have sex with him. You didn't ask how to make him feel better and still keep open the possibility of a relationship with him later. You asked how you could make him feel better. And, once again, trying to be honest: you could have sex with him now without even broaching the subject of a relationship. We may be very very different people but in my world this is not outside the definition of "being a good friend to him."
Obviously, for many reasons, this may be the wrong thing to do: emotionally damaging, liable to be a wedge between you, whatever. But I think it's worth somebody saying once.
posted by scarabic at 10:43 PM on September 12, 2005
...which I guess delmoi just did, rather succinctly
posted by scarabic at 10:44 PM on September 12, 2005
posted by scarabic at 10:44 PM on September 12, 2005
Yep, gotta agree. If he got dumped suddenly and out of the blue it's almost certainly because she is fucking someone else. And when that happens to a man the sexual monomania he'd been diligently cultivating for his girlfriend turns paralyzingly vicious and bitter. (Boy do I know what I'm talking about here.) And the one thing - the only thing besides time - that can ameliorate the torture is raunchy, transgressive sex with someone else. If you really want to help him, swallow your pride and put aside your romantic hopes, and show up at his door with a big bottle of that newfangled K-Y Warming Liquid.
posted by nicwolff at 11:13 PM on September 12, 2005
posted by nicwolff at 11:13 PM on September 12, 2005
delmoi/scarabic got it. If it's not an option, I would keep in touch but give him distance. What he really needs is ten shots of tequila, a night at a strip club, and permission to freely speak ill of your gender. Not to mention cheap, tawdry, ego inflating sex.
This is what he needs and you can't give it to him, 1000 miles away or no. The biggest favor you could do for him is give him the space to do all of the above without you knowing the details. Because if he harbors romantic feelings for you, he doesn't want you to see him go through this.
Be there when he needs you to, but don't be a huge part of the dark days to come. You don't want to be a reminder of that if you want to be what comes next.
posted by samh23 at 11:40 PM on September 12, 2005
This is what he needs and you can't give it to him, 1000 miles away or no. The biggest favor you could do for him is give him the space to do all of the above without you knowing the details. Because if he harbors romantic feelings for you, he doesn't want you to see him go through this.
Be there when he needs you to, but don't be a huge part of the dark days to come. You don't want to be a reminder of that if you want to be what comes next.
posted by samh23 at 11:40 PM on September 12, 2005
Ship him to you and then roger him senseless. This would remove him completely from the hurtful environment and the rogering is good, too.
posted by wsg at 1:11 AM on September 13, 2005
posted by wsg at 1:11 AM on September 13, 2005
Yeah, no. Don't.
Don't fly out and roger him senseless. Whatever your motivations (and I'm guessing they're exactly what you say they are), that'd be the worst idea possible unless you'd just like to bang him and move on.
Want to be a friend to this guy? Call him. Often. Make sure he's alright. But don't overbear.
Engage him during those calls. Remind him of who he is (without romantic overtones).
I'm sayin' "don't," of course, without knowing the nature of your relationship with this one. The question to ask: "How does he want me?"
Answer that and I think your actions are pretty much clear.
Just don't take deliberate advantage for your own gain. Won't work for either.
posted by converge at 1:17 AM on September 13, 2005
Don't fly out and roger him senseless. Whatever your motivations (and I'm guessing they're exactly what you say they are), that'd be the worst idea possible unless you'd just like to bang him and move on.
Want to be a friend to this guy? Call him. Often. Make sure he's alright. But don't overbear.
Engage him during those calls. Remind him of who he is (without romantic overtones).
I'm sayin' "don't," of course, without knowing the nature of your relationship with this one. The question to ask: "How does he want me?"
Answer that and I think your actions are pretty much clear.
Just don't take deliberate advantage for your own gain. Won't work for either.
posted by converge at 1:17 AM on September 13, 2005
Heh. I think this question should have been, "My friend who I'm in love with just broke up with his girlfriend- yipeeee! What do I do now to be as supportive as possible, so that he'll fall in love with me as soon as he's over her?"
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:12 AM on September 13, 2005 [1 favorite]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:12 AM on September 13, 2005 [1 favorite]
It may well be that he thinks he could just have a sexual friendship with someone, but I wouldn't do it. He's probably pissed off at all women now, and I think that for you to fuck him at this time would result in being used and no longer his friend.
Tell him your're here if he needs to talk, but do NOT sleep with him just yet.
posted by brujita at 7:38 AM on September 13, 2005
Tell him your're here if he needs to talk, but do NOT sleep with him just yet.
posted by brujita at 7:38 AM on September 13, 2005
Sleep with him? This sort of advice really irritates me, and I have certainly engaged in happy post-breakup distraction sex myself! Sleeping with him now might indeed make the guy feel (fleetingly) better, but -- as brujita observes -- under these circumstances it carries the very real risk of destroying the entire friendship. He's had a five-year relationship implode out of the clear blue sky. He's angry, shocked, grieving, vulnerable, "totally devastated." Mixing in sex with a good friend right now (and one whose own feelings for him are complex) seems to me to be an absolute disaster waiting to happen. He might very well need to get laid, but doing it in such a charged situation with a good friend is extremely unlikely to do much in the long run other than complicate (to put it mildly) the existing friendship.
A breakup from such a serious relationship (long-distance or not) takes time to recover from -- lots and lots and lots of time. Anon, for your own sake, you have got to find a way to put aside your romantic feelings for him for the forseeable future. Happydaz's advice is completely spot-on: "What I needed, more than anything, was people who could listen without dispensing advice. This seems like something you can easily supply him, and it's probably the most important thing you can do."
So be a good friend -- with no ulterior motives. Listen more than you talk. Offer support/kindness more than advice. Don't try to "make him feel better" -- understand that he's going to be in pain for a good long time, but having someone listen can at least make that pain a little easier to bear. When he's ready to start laughing at things (anything!) again, be someone he can share that laugh with. Don't tell him he's better off -- that might very well be true, but it's the last things he wants to hear right now. Don't tell him what he should be feeling or doing, but try to encourage him (without nagging) to take care of himself (sleeping/eating/exercising) and to do things he enjoys.
Also, as a veteran of a couple of long-term, long-distance relationships, I strongly advise you to NOT say (or assume) anything like this: "The good news is that they're over a thousand miles apart, so that will probably help him to move on." The fact is, you simply don't know this. The most intense relationship (and painful breakup) of my entire life was a 3-year long-distance relationship. Seriously, my divorce was less heartbreaking. Several people tried to console me by using the long-distance factor to downplay how significant the relationship (and breakup) was, which I found frustrating and even sort of insulting. Don't make assumptions about what will "probably" happen, or what he should be feeling, or whatever. No matter how many breakups you've been through yourself, you've never been through the one he's going through right now.
posted by scody at 12:03 PM on September 13, 2005 [1 favorite]
A breakup from such a serious relationship (long-distance or not) takes time to recover from -- lots and lots and lots of time. Anon, for your own sake, you have got to find a way to put aside your romantic feelings for him for the forseeable future. Happydaz's advice is completely spot-on: "What I needed, more than anything, was people who could listen without dispensing advice. This seems like something you can easily supply him, and it's probably the most important thing you can do."
So be a good friend -- with no ulterior motives. Listen more than you talk. Offer support/kindness more than advice. Don't try to "make him feel better" -- understand that he's going to be in pain for a good long time, but having someone listen can at least make that pain a little easier to bear. When he's ready to start laughing at things (anything!) again, be someone he can share that laugh with. Don't tell him he's better off -- that might very well be true, but it's the last things he wants to hear right now. Don't tell him what he should be feeling or doing, but try to encourage him (without nagging) to take care of himself (sleeping/eating/exercising) and to do things he enjoys.
Also, as a veteran of a couple of long-term, long-distance relationships, I strongly advise you to NOT say (or assume) anything like this: "The good news is that they're over a thousand miles apart, so that will probably help him to move on." The fact is, you simply don't know this. The most intense relationship (and painful breakup) of my entire life was a 3-year long-distance relationship. Seriously, my divorce was less heartbreaking. Several people tried to console me by using the long-distance factor to downplay how significant the relationship (and breakup) was, which I found frustrating and even sort of insulting. Don't make assumptions about what will "probably" happen, or what he should be feeling, or whatever. No matter how many breakups you've been through yourself, you've never been through the one he's going through right now.
posted by scody at 12:03 PM on September 13, 2005 [1 favorite]
"No matter how many breakups you've been through yourself, you've never been through the one he's going through right now" -- which, of course, you already know and acknowledge. Sorry if that came off as far more bossy than I meant it to be.
posted by scody at 12:09 PM on September 13, 2005
posted by scody at 12:09 PM on September 13, 2005
A slight derail--my advice to those who have been cheated on and are hell-bent on having a revenge fuck: hire a sex worker and use condoms. Do not take your rage and pain out on a friend who would want the relationship with you to become romantic.
posted by brujita at 1:13 AM on September 17, 2005
posted by brujita at 1:13 AM on September 17, 2005
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My last few breakups have been long distance. What I needed, more than anything, was people who could listen without dispensing advice. This seems like something you can easily supply him, and it's probably the most important thing you can do.
There might be in-person ways to deal with this, too. Perhaps you can induce a local petstore or shelter to bring a puppy over to his house for the day (if he's a dog person), I'm sure a credit card and the story you've just told would go a long way toward making this happen.
posted by Happydaz at 10:31 PM on September 12, 2005