Family Drama -- Aunt revisited
March 26, 2013 10:19 AM Subscribe
I wrote this question about my Aunt
. As it turned out, I just wrote back a very polite reply -- "thank you for your good wishes" ...I was polite. I felt good about this. Thank you for all the helpful answers.
My Aunt wrote me again -- long story inside. Thank you for taking the time to read it.
posted by Lescha to Human Relations (26 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
My Aunt wrote me again -- she has sent me another email telling an elderly family member has died. She said she "was sure I would want to know" and included all the service details -- date, time, location etc. I have not seen that other relative in over a decade (nor any of my relatives on that side for that matter). I sent very nice flowers to the funeral home.
I don't want to go to the service, it would make me feel very uncomfortable. Just thinking about going puts makes me upset. And, I feel it would make the others feel very uncomfortable too, given the fact my father disowned me. He will be there. I can’t even imagine what his response to me would be. I fully admit that I am afraid to find out.
My relatives know we don't speak, but I don’t know if they have any idea why – I doubt it. I doubt my Aunt has told anyone.
I think if I go, there will be family drama and this would take away from the family's mourning. I don't want that. My presence -- I am sure -- will be a distraction to the mourners. Also, I know my family -- they will be questions about what's going on: yes, even at a funeral. They will also notice -- what I can only imagine would be – very bad vibes between my father and me.
I don’t want to get into why my Father wants nothing to do with me at a funeral. Secondly seeing my father will be very difficult for me, given he wants nothing to do with me.
My father did not tell me about this death himself. He knows how to reach me, as does his wife. If he wanted me to know he could have told me himself. The same way he could have told me he was very ill.
So getting back to my Aunt – she says she told me about this death because she “was sure I would want to know"… I think this is what I am peeved about. I would want to know this and not about my father’s illness? (She does not know I know about the illness.)
Really I am in a bit of a state and I am not totally sure why my feelings are. I plan to talk to my therapist about this when I have my next appointment. But I am hoping for some feedback now from people who can look at this without my baggage.
It boils down to this:
"tl;dr" (an attempt at)
My Aunt did not tell me Father had very serious surgery (a life or death matter) and yet she tells me news of another relative’s death because she “was sure I would want to know"…
In both cases, my father did not elect to tell me about these things himself. In both cases, it is quite clear to me that my father does not wish me involved.
I know my Aunt perhaps did not tell me because my father didn’t want me to know. Yet, she tells me the news of this death. I know she may be in a hard place. But the fact is she is choosing what to tell and not tell me. It feels manipulative. And also, I think it’ odd that she’d expect me to go to a funeral where my father will be. Drama is inevitable.
I (think I) want to tell my Aunt (not now – the timing is bad, but later) that I don’t feel I can go to any family events given the situation with father and I hope she understands it is he whose had made this choice, not me.
If he wants me back in the family, then he (and only he) should let me know directly. If he does not, I accept his decisions, but this means sadly that being disowned makes unable to attend family functions where I feel I would not be welcome by father.
I also want to mention the fact I know about his very serious illness and surgery and that he did not want me know about it. This makes me feel certain that he still wishes to have no contact obviously.
But saying that strikes me as fueling the fire and being very manipulative myself. So I am thinking not to go there...
Or – should I leave it alone and say nothing to my Aunt? She will see I am not at the funeral and she (and all the others) will see that I sent flowers.
They will probably think I am being disrespectful by not coming and they may wonder what is going on (since I doubt my Aunt has told the others what the situation is) but that is not my issue.
Sorry for the jumbled narrative. I am leaning towards (after all this typing) saying nothing to my Aunt seeing what happens. Should I say nothing?