I have a ten year history of extremely intense borderline co-dependent relationships that consume my life. Two years ago I finally ended the cycle and started working on myself, now I'm trying to have healthy relationships, but it's not working as well as I anticipated.
A typical relationship for me is very intense. We commit very quickly and start spending every moment together. When the relationship ends, I realize I have nothing outside of it. I also often would have moments of lucidity where I would realize that I was really lonely even though I was in a relationship. Even worse, my health deteriorates and this is a consistant pattern of an autoimmune disease that is in remission flaring up.
Two years ago I decided this was an unacceptable pattern and I spent some time being single. Now for the first time in my adult life I have an amazing group of friends and some awesome hobbies.
But late last year I met someone and quickly fell into the pattern again, quickly making it a committed girlfriend/boyfriend relationship, spending most of my nights at his place, starting getting sick, neglecting everything but him... possibly because he was the kind of person like me in the past- not many friends or hobbies. We actually tried to take it slow, but I had a breakdown over him sleeping with another woman before we had the sexually exclusive talk, and called him crying and said I needed him to commit to being my boyfriend. This was a mistake, it was way too soon and I didn't know him well enough then to see the incompatibilities.
Either way, the relationship ended partially because I started recognizing the pattern again, and when it did I was like "oh god, I can't do this anymore." Last month I met a guy I really like and we are taking it slow, but I hate to say it, but I feel insecure. I know it's healthy for me not to see him constantly, but I keep feeling like that because we don't spend time together, it must mean he really doesn't like me very much, even though I know for a fact that on the nights we aren't together we are engaging in our separate hobbies and having other friends. I'm having fun, but I feel tinges of this awful insecure feeling: that he doesn't care, he's just not into me, that he fell for someone else, etc. For example, didn't hear from him this weekend and I felt this way, even though I knew he was visiting some family he hadn't seen in a long time. I'm on the borderline of that crazy familiar feeling of getting obsessed. Since we haven't had the exclusive talk, I've been trying to see other people, but frankly I can't keep my mind off of him.
I read the book Attached which made me realize I am the anxious
style of attachment. The book helped me realize that, but I don't want to be like that. Is it possible to stop being this way? To enjoy a relationship that is not full of consuming attention? Or is this just the way I am?