I definitely don’t want, and am not ready for, a relationship. I do want a bit of fun now and then, except insomnia and overstimulation mix with a bit of post-coital anxiety and mess everything up. What are things I can do to soothe myself to sleep, so I can enjoy the evening I had?
posted by anonymous to health & fitness (11 answers total) 4 users marked this as a favorite
I’ve enjoyed most things about FWBs, one-night stands, etc, which I only got into much after my last (terrible) relationship. I don’t wish for or expect more, except accidentally, via hormonal attachment, which I recognize (I cut off contact when that happens). And I’m fine the next day.
It’s just that immediately after sex – any sex; the best, most respectful sex, with the coolest, nicest guys I don’t want to date - I tend to get skittish. I know better, I do! but some part of me actually takes a kind of offense if he falls asleep straight afterwards. Or if there’s no chat (not after pillow talk, just a bit of friendly bullshit). Or if there’s too much chat, and it feels like things might be veering into relationship territory. Or if I’m not at all held or touched afterwards. Or if I’m held too tight. Or if there’s no room to stretch out my legs, or if dude sleeps all the way on the other edge of the bed.
The ideal: shooting the shit, for a teeny tiny while. Maybe just an arm flung over my shoulder. Maybe the odd cuddle.
But even with a perfect balance of space and faux intimacy, I can’t relax. I either wind up trying not to fidget and holding my breath until morning, or slipping out shortly afterwards. (I don’t like for people to come over to mine, either.)
Part of it is straight-up physical discomfort. I’m a lifelong insomniac, and getting to sleep is a battle, even when I’m on my own. I’ve always had a difficult time adjusting to the presence of another person in bed, even in the context of not-horrible relationships. But then I could just move to a couch if I had to, instead of hauling ass across town at great cost, in the middle of the night. (Which also precludes the possibility of further sessions over the evening, and making sure everyone had a good time.)
And sure, some of it is emotional business - responses to cues - creeping in, related to not wanting to feel dismissed (as I did, daily, for too long), or suffocated. Even though I know differently at the time, I’m not certain how much I emotionally understand that the guy next to me is not dismissing or invalidating me; that he's just tired and likes to sleep on his side. And I'm too awake to shake those kinds of stupid feeling-echoes off.
Again, I don’t care about any of it in the light of day, and I don’t often think about these people when they’re not around. Not even residually religious.
I’m in my mid-late 30s, straight, female, a few years out of a volatile LTR. I’ve been unemployed as long, & studying and caring in the meanwhile. For those and other reasons (like, pleasure in FREEDOM), I’m staying away from committed relationships. Once my life and career are sorted, I have more to offer, and I don't hate the idea of compromise, or worry about power struggles, I might think about opening it up to someone else, to whom I could explain things, adjust, etc. As things are, I’m very much uninterested in that (and, probably, anyone serious would feel the same about me). I just want to have some nice moments not ruined by this, while they’re still available to me. Celibacy isn't an option. Therapy isn't on the immediate horizon for financial reasons (free options didn't work out).