I'd like to be more curious about people & enjoy social interaction more
February 10, 2013 11:59 AM Subscribe
Looks like "social interaction for introverts" is the theme du jour here on MeFi, so here's another question along similar lines as two recent ones.
I would like to enjoy social interaction more. With infrequent exceptions, it mostly bores me and leaves me wondering what the point is. I'm a reserved, introverted type, and I don't expect or even want to change that - I like my own company - but it would be nice if I could find reasons to be more interested in interacting with other people.
As far as I can tell, the main difficulty is that I'm simply not that curious about people. My mind tends to categorize people into a few broad classes and then move on, rather than seeing what makes someone individual. For example, it often happens that I confuse two people who are almost completely dissimilar because I've categorized them both as "Asian guy in my department" or "friend of my mom's". I'm also terrible at recognizing faces, even of people I've seen and talked to multiple times. It's like I'm just not interested enough to register or remember specific details about people I meet. My mind seems to go "Oh, it's another person who's basically of Type X. I've met lots of those, nothing to see here, move on."
Another reason socializing isn't much fun for me is that I rarely have very much to say. In a conversation I'm almost always listening, or else responding to whatever the other person I saying rather than introducing any topics of my own. I know this can be a good thing, and I often get complimented on being a "good listener", but I'm usually listening not because I'm particularly interested in what the person's telling me, but because I can't think of anything to say. (It's not that I'm consciously censoring myself, thinking "I could say X, but I shouldn't because Y"; it's just that most of the time there literally isn't any particular thing I feel like saying.)
The "infrequent exceptions" mentioned above include: (a) Talking to a very close childhood friend who I rarely see because he lives in another country; when we get together the conversation flows easily for a while because we have a lot to catch up on, but even then, once we've more or less finished filling each other in I run out of stuff to say and clam up. (b) Talking to someone who's really knowledgeable in some field I'm interested in, in which case I'll gladly milk their brains; but this kind of conversation doesn't feel like a personal connection, more a data-dump, and it's rare to meet someone who can tell you a fact you can't find out on Wikipedia anyway.
In one of the recent threads someone suggested asking people semi-random questions: that book you have but aren't reading, what's it about? What drew you to the topic or did it just look interesting? That bowtie you're wearing - is it a clip on or did you tie it? This is in fact usually my approach - when I'm not silent or responding, I'm interviewing. It doesn't feel satisfactory because I'm not actually interested in the answers to the questions I painfully think up, and because being asked an endless series of questions actually strikes many people as a pretty annoying form of conversation.
Miscellaneous further data: I don't generally feel especially anxious or self-conscious in social situations, just disengaged. Alcohol will occasionally make me more sociable and talkative, but more often causes me to retreat further into silence. If you're thinking this sounds like Asperger's syndrome, you may be right, but if so I'm a very mild/borderline case: I've known people with high-functioning Asperger's and I don't resemble them externally very much (in terms of mannerisms etc.).
I'm not quite sure what I'm after with this question, since I doubt that learning better "techniques" for social interaction (making small talk, drawing people out etc.) would be likely to make it any more fun for me, and curiosity about other people is probably not something that can be learned, but thoughts/experiences/etc. will be welcomed.
I would like to enjoy social interaction more. With infrequent exceptions, it mostly bores me and leaves me wondering what the point is. I'm a reserved, introverted type, and I don't expect or even want to change that - I like my own company - but it would be nice if I could find reasons to be more interested in interacting with other people.
As far as I can tell, the main difficulty is that I'm simply not that curious about people. My mind tends to categorize people into a few broad classes and then move on, rather than seeing what makes someone individual. For example, it often happens that I confuse two people who are almost completely dissimilar because I've categorized them both as "Asian guy in my department" or "friend of my mom's". I'm also terrible at recognizing faces, even of people I've seen and talked to multiple times. It's like I'm just not interested enough to register or remember specific details about people I meet. My mind seems to go "Oh, it's another person who's basically of Type X. I've met lots of those, nothing to see here, move on."
Another reason socializing isn't much fun for me is that I rarely have very much to say. In a conversation I'm almost always listening, or else responding to whatever the other person I saying rather than introducing any topics of my own. I know this can be a good thing, and I often get complimented on being a "good listener", but I'm usually listening not because I'm particularly interested in what the person's telling me, but because I can't think of anything to say. (It's not that I'm consciously censoring myself, thinking "I could say X, but I shouldn't because Y"; it's just that most of the time there literally isn't any particular thing I feel like saying.)
The "infrequent exceptions" mentioned above include: (a) Talking to a very close childhood friend who I rarely see because he lives in another country; when we get together the conversation flows easily for a while because we have a lot to catch up on, but even then, once we've more or less finished filling each other in I run out of stuff to say and clam up. (b) Talking to someone who's really knowledgeable in some field I'm interested in, in which case I'll gladly milk their brains; but this kind of conversation doesn't feel like a personal connection, more a data-dump, and it's rare to meet someone who can tell you a fact you can't find out on Wikipedia anyway.
In one of the recent threads someone suggested asking people semi-random questions: that book you have but aren't reading, what's it about? What drew you to the topic or did it just look interesting? That bowtie you're wearing - is it a clip on or did you tie it? This is in fact usually my approach - when I'm not silent or responding, I'm interviewing. It doesn't feel satisfactory because I'm not actually interested in the answers to the questions I painfully think up, and because being asked an endless series of questions actually strikes many people as a pretty annoying form of conversation.
Miscellaneous further data: I don't generally feel especially anxious or self-conscious in social situations, just disengaged. Alcohol will occasionally make me more sociable and talkative, but more often causes me to retreat further into silence. If you're thinking this sounds like Asperger's syndrome, you may be right, but if so I'm a very mild/borderline case: I've known people with high-functioning Asperger's and I don't resemble them externally very much (in terms of mannerisms etc.).
I'm not quite sure what I'm after with this question, since I doubt that learning better "techniques" for social interaction (making small talk, drawing people out etc.) would be likely to make it any more fun for me, and curiosity about other people is probably not something that can be learned, but thoughts/experiences/etc. will be welcomed.
Take a month and ban yourself from any form of media, gaming, or non-emergency information during your free/personal time. This includes internet, books, movies, radio, etc. I'm willing to bet after two weeks you're going to feel very differently about talking to people.
posted by cairdeas at 12:31 PM on February 10, 2013 [10 favorites]
posted by cairdeas at 12:31 PM on February 10, 2013 [10 favorites]
You might have some success easing your way in by starting conversations that are a little more abstract - about topics/ideas rather your immediate circumstances or what you did yesterday.
If you have an interest in any form of media, or follow politics or current events or sports, or anything similar, that's an easy form of connection and doesn't require you to be immediately interested in that person's circumstances.
It's also important to recognize that a) you're not going to immediately click with everyone, and that's OK and b) most people get more interesting the more that you speak to them. Casual conversations tend to start off a little stilted, and can make even the most fascinating people come off as slightly boring, but there's something inherently interesting about almost everyone (and it often has to do with what they're passionate about).
posted by eponym at 12:49 PM on February 10, 2013
If you have an interest in any form of media, or follow politics or current events or sports, or anything similar, that's an easy form of connection and doesn't require you to be immediately interested in that person's circumstances.
It's also important to recognize that a) you're not going to immediately click with everyone, and that's OK and b) most people get more interesting the more that you speak to them. Casual conversations tend to start off a little stilted, and can make even the most fascinating people come off as slightly boring, but there's something inherently interesting about almost everyone (and it often has to do with what they're passionate about).
posted by eponym at 12:49 PM on February 10, 2013
Best answer: Not quite sure if this approach will or will not help you, especially since I've been reading all the introversion threads because I struggle with this, too. But I also relate to pieces of what you write (I have a very difficult time remembering faces, and I go between silence and/or peppering people with questions, which are not great ways to interact). I'm also more interested in information, not necessarily why someone has a bowtie or picked a bowtie or even wears a bowtie, but that's me....
But over time there are things that I've learned to appreciate in people (and you said that you were open to experiences in your response).
I'm not being patronizing, but just another way to view this...
One time I was asked to do an exercise with a class at an art museum. Different people were supposed to comment as to what they saw in the painting. In the first few minutes, I was angry...because to me, it was just a painting with a few colors, what could other people possibly add to this? But believe it or not, 20 people pointed out tons of things that you would never have seen...technique, direction of the paint, hidden images, a connection to other paintings, so at the end you noticed many, many things that you would never have noticed if you stood there looking at the painting by yourself (or read some person's comment in wiki whatever).
I really believe that unless you understand other people's perspectives (and you won't get this in a five minute conversation, but over time), you really won't know how everyone views the same image on the street. So let us pretend a police officer is standing on a street corner. To you, it is just a police officer standing on the street. But to the "Asian guy in your apartment", well, maybe he grew up during the cultural revolution in China, and to him, he remembers the military going into his house as a child and it should be viewed as a threat. Maybe there is another person nearby from another region of the world and to him; police in their country were the people you bribed to get things. Anywho, unless you have the conversation and get to know people over time, they may not open their world to you in this manner. To me, people from other countries (or even are not in the majority) can share a unique perspective on an image or object that you would never have thought about because you never experienced it.
Also, since it sounds like you enjoy the information, maybe try to find what people enjoy and are experts at ...and if they are articulate and share these things, show you their world. So yes, you can read a wikipedia entry that says "surrealism is blah by artist blah", but an artist friend can point out everything from why they like it to how other people are reacting to it. Or instead of listening to a music clip and saying, I understand it now, this music clip is called "jazz", what if you talked to someone who wrote and played it and tried to learn it from them? Experiencing these things may add another dimension, but you would have to talk to people to find their interests, areas of expertise, and if they are willing to share these things with you. It makes a little more interesting if you taste it, touch it, play with it, and realize that the other person may not even be perceiving or experiencing it in the same way.
And if you don't care about bow ties, why are you asking about them? I'm bored reading that question...if you say you are bored with this to begin with, why ask about that?
I don't know if this helps, but I think it is easy to become judgmental of other people sometimes; they don't know about X,Y, or Z, so meh. But has anyone done the same to you? How did it feel? Where there inconsistencies (they thought you were an idiot or belonged in a boring box because you didn't know 1,2,3, but the other person didn't know 4,5,6?) Reverse the logic the other way, too. Another person may know entire worlds that you have never been exposed to or even tried.
posted by Wolfster at 1:06 PM on February 10, 2013 [7 favorites]
But over time there are things that I've learned to appreciate in people (and you said that you were open to experiences in your response).
I'm not being patronizing, but just another way to view this...
One time I was asked to do an exercise with a class at an art museum. Different people were supposed to comment as to what they saw in the painting. In the first few minutes, I was angry...because to me, it was just a painting with a few colors, what could other people possibly add to this? But believe it or not, 20 people pointed out tons of things that you would never have seen...technique, direction of the paint, hidden images, a connection to other paintings, so at the end you noticed many, many things that you would never have noticed if you stood there looking at the painting by yourself (or read some person's comment in wiki whatever).
I really believe that unless you understand other people's perspectives (and you won't get this in a five minute conversation, but over time), you really won't know how everyone views the same image on the street. So let us pretend a police officer is standing on a street corner. To you, it is just a police officer standing on the street. But to the "Asian guy in your apartment", well, maybe he grew up during the cultural revolution in China, and to him, he remembers the military going into his house as a child and it should be viewed as a threat. Maybe there is another person nearby from another region of the world and to him; police in their country were the people you bribed to get things. Anywho, unless you have the conversation and get to know people over time, they may not open their world to you in this manner. To me, people from other countries (or even are not in the majority) can share a unique perspective on an image or object that you would never have thought about because you never experienced it.
Also, since it sounds like you enjoy the information, maybe try to find what people enjoy and are experts at ...and if they are articulate and share these things, show you their world. So yes, you can read a wikipedia entry that says "surrealism is blah by artist blah", but an artist friend can point out everything from why they like it to how other people are reacting to it. Or instead of listening to a music clip and saying, I understand it now, this music clip is called "jazz", what if you talked to someone who wrote and played it and tried to learn it from them? Experiencing these things may add another dimension, but you would have to talk to people to find their interests, areas of expertise, and if they are willing to share these things with you. It makes a little more interesting if you taste it, touch it, play with it, and realize that the other person may not even be perceiving or experiencing it in the same way.
And if you don't care about bow ties, why are you asking about them? I'm bored reading that question...if you say you are bored with this to begin with, why ask about that?
I don't know if this helps, but I think it is easy to become judgmental of other people sometimes; they don't know about X,Y, or Z, so meh. But has anyone done the same to you? How did it feel? Where there inconsistencies (they thought you were an idiot or belonged in a boring box because you didn't know 1,2,3, but the other person didn't know 4,5,6?) Reverse the logic the other way, too. Another person may know entire worlds that you have never been exposed to or even tried.
posted by Wolfster at 1:06 PM on February 10, 2013 [7 favorites]
You sound like every record store clerk I've ever met.
Small talk isn't your thing. So what? Go get your mind blown somewhere where people are smarter than you and aren't interested in small talk.
People are usually way more interesting when they can teach you something.
Getting our ego (in this case, sense of self importance) shattered is a great way to reopen our perceived version of ourselves to new ideas and ways of seeing.
Sometimes you can get there by volunteering in a situation where it seems hopeless to even try to help... and the pattern unfolds.
Or go try to do something in a group situation that you are terrified of being terrible at... you will be surprised at how often, people are actually pretty cool and will help you out.
When you personally know enough stuff about anything to teach other people about it, it's your responsibility to take some ownership of that knowledge and pass it on. People will enjoy this process, they will like you for sharing your knowledge, they may reciprocate. Oh look, now you have working friendships that have a 2 way flow.
I think that's what you are missing.
posted by bobdow at 1:37 PM on February 10, 2013
Small talk isn't your thing. So what? Go get your mind blown somewhere where people are smarter than you and aren't interested in small talk.
People are usually way more interesting when they can teach you something.
Getting our ego (in this case, sense of self importance) shattered is a great way to reopen our perceived version of ourselves to new ideas and ways of seeing.
Sometimes you can get there by volunteering in a situation where it seems hopeless to even try to help... and the pattern unfolds.
Or go try to do something in a group situation that you are terrified of being terrible at... you will be surprised at how often, people are actually pretty cool and will help you out.
When you personally know enough stuff about anything to teach other people about it, it's your responsibility to take some ownership of that knowledge and pass it on. People will enjoy this process, they will like you for sharing your knowledge, they may reciprocate. Oh look, now you have working friendships that have a 2 way flow.
I think that's what you are missing.
posted by bobdow at 1:37 PM on February 10, 2013
I don't generally feel especially anxious or self-conscious in social situations, just disengaged
This sounds like dissociation to me. Not at the level of dissociative disorder, but in the sense that you are anxious enough that you shut down rather than fully experiencing your emotions and engaging with your surroundings.
Do you do better one-on-one than in groups? For me this is by far the more comfortable way to connect with people.
Improv has been good for me too.
posted by bunderful at 1:57 PM on February 10, 2013
This sounds like dissociation to me. Not at the level of dissociative disorder, but in the sense that you are anxious enough that you shut down rather than fully experiencing your emotions and engaging with your surroundings.
Do you do better one-on-one than in groups? For me this is by far the more comfortable way to connect with people.
Improv has been good for me too.
posted by bunderful at 1:57 PM on February 10, 2013
This is not a complete solution, and it may sound really really stupid and simplistic, but I started doing it a few years ago and it has been surprisingly effective for something so easy.
When I meet someone, whether an important contact at a networking party or a friend of my Mom or a cashier in the checkout line, I look them in the eye, think "hey, it's great to meet you", and smile warmly.
That's it. Very brief eye contact, nothing creepy, but somehow the physical expression of genuine pleasure in meeting someone helps jumpstart my brain into thinking of them as an individual. I feel happier, I have warmer social interactions than I used to, and I remember faces better.
Still need work on remembering names.
posted by shattersock at 3:57 PM on February 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
When I meet someone, whether an important contact at a networking party or a friend of my Mom or a cashier in the checkout line, I look them in the eye, think "hey, it's great to meet you", and smile warmly.
That's it. Very brief eye contact, nothing creepy, but somehow the physical expression of genuine pleasure in meeting someone helps jumpstart my brain into thinking of them as an individual. I feel happier, I have warmer social interactions than I used to, and I remember faces better.
Still need work on remembering names.
posted by shattersock at 3:57 PM on February 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
This would be a problem. Were you raised in a somewhat sheltered home? Are you afraid of abandoning preconceived notions? Do you feel somewhat superior to most people you meet? Personally, I find people to lump the rest of the world into broad categories to be tedious to talk to and I try to avoid knowing people who do this. See what I did there?
Are you depressed?
posted by Ideefixe at 12:20 PM on February 10, 2013 [4 favorites]