My crazy is escaping! Help me pull it back in.
January 28, 2013 10:36 AM Subscribe
Bad divorce, after many years of pretty much only dating men I really didn't care about, I finally met a great guy that I want to care about very much. Help me not fuck it up.
posted by Lizlemondrop to human relations (14 answers total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
So, I was in basically an abusive marriage for over 20 years before I finally found the strength to break free. The whole situation broke my heart. And my spirit. For a very long time afterwards, I was both really afraid that I would repeat the pattern with someone new and basically so numbed out by the whole trauma of my marriage that I either didn't date at all or only dated men that I didn't really care about. I've been through a good bit of therapy and work and I recently met a man a care about a lot. He's someone I knew before my marriage so that's helpful because I know him and I feel really sure that any relationship with him would not be a repeat of my relationship with my ex.
We've been dating for 3 months and it's been great until just a couple of weeks ago - I felt really comfortable with him, we've had a lot of fun together, I was relaxed and happy - and my feelings have grown for him to the point where I'm in love with him and he says he loves me. The problem? Now I'm freaking out!
Suddenly, I have someone I value and care about and, with no evidence to go on, I worry constantly that he's going to break up with me, that he'll stop liking me and that my heart is going to be broken. It's gotten so bad that I can't be natural around him any longer because all I think about when I'm with him is how what I just really want him to do is to reassure me constantly that he still likes me. I haven't asked him to do that but I think I'm probably behaving in ways that he would think are unlike me because when I'm around him now I feel skittish and nervous.
I know that if I can't get past this feeling that ultimately one of two things will happen - either I will start constantly asking him to reassure me that he loves me and that will stop our relationship from being as fun as it has been or I'm going to retreat too far into my head because I'm constantly thinking about how he's going to break up with me and so our relationship will suffer because I'm not really part of it. Not to mention the fact that this all I think about when I'm not with him - what is he doing? Are his feelings changing for me? Is he, right now, meeting somebody he likes better than me?
I know this is crazy - the reality is that I'm 3 months into a relationship with a great guy and that I should be enjoying this time and this new thing. I've dated other guys for longer than this, but I've basically always only dated guys who were more into me than I was into them so I never worried about whether they broke up with me because I was sure that they loved me and also I didn't care as much as I do now. And I should emphasize that this guy constantly tells me that he loves me, treats me with respect, does little things that show he cares - the problem here is very much with me, not him.
But knowing about the crazy and stopping the crazy are two completely different things. How can I put this behind me so I can go back to enjoying myself and also not freak him out? He's got to be noticing that I'm not as fun as I used to be.
To answer the obvious solution, I'm already in therapy but I can only see her every two weeks and the problem is getting worse, not better. I have an appt on Thursday, but I could really use some talking down from the ledge before then. I'm seriously considering either scaling back the relationship or ending it altogether since I clearly have issues, but I don't really want to do either. I want to get past this so I can move on.