Friend has a new boyfriend - am I overreacting? Am I too jealous?
January 15, 2013 9:26 AM Subscribe
I am jealous of the fact that my good friend is hardly around because she's got a new boyfriend. Very happy for her, but am very uncomfortable with my jealousy. Need some perspective and help dealing.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (22 answers total) 1 user marked this as a favorite
I have a jealousy problem. I would like some idea of where on the normal spectrum I fall and also some of your lifehacks regarding how to deal with friend jealousy, in particular.
Generally I don't have many friends (which really doesn't bother me) and I have a few very good, very reliable friends with whom I am in sporadic contact with. I would say for each good friend, contact occurs with a maximum frequency of once in two days. Most times it's a text/IM interaction of around ten minutes, or half an hour if on the phone. Sometimes long emails. Phonecalls are very, very rare -- maybe once in two months max. So in my opinion I am pretty independent, and really not that clingy.
I am female, and I have a female friend (a good one, who follows the above "definition") who was single for a while. We are both students. She's a really sweet, wonderful and patient person, and we're good friends. She confided in me quite a bit, we go out for lunch maybe around once or twice per month. We used to check in with each other at least once a week. She got into a relationship with someone really awesome a few months ago. Our contact has dropped quite dramatically -- to around once a month.
Let me just put it out here that I am very very happy for her. She is a very good person and I really like her.
On an intellectual level, I accept that it's par for the course that a good friend, once in a relationship, would generally disappear. But my feelings in response to certain events seem to suggest that I'm exhibiting really abnormal reactions, ones that a mature adult should not be having.
1) She said she would come over one night. Waited for her the whole night, she never came and no explanation. I was hurt but never said a peep and let it go.
2) She hardly ever initiates contact these days. I do the initiating, and maybe once in a while to check in on her. Although she does tag me on Facebook once in a while. Not really a big deal I suppose.
3) In a moment of emotional weakness (I was undergoing a very stressful period and needed to simply get out of my mind for a little while, after a few weeks of trying to do it on my own) I asked her out to dinner, but she postponed the time.
The last one is where I started to get worried with my response. All she did was postpone the time! In response to her postponement, I texted her saying that we'll just do it after my busy period is over. I felt hurt after I thought, "Hmm, why do I have to compromise on anything, and her boyfriend and his friends get her 100% of the time?" (which I know, is really silly and kinda possessive) I thought of being gracious but I just couldn't arrange dinner because I thought I'd be too hurt to see her again. She texted back saying dinner was okay after all. After some thought and calming down, I agreed to it to (came up with the excuse that dinner was a superb time after all).
Is this normal? Am I hypersensitive/somewhere off the normal spectrum? What can I do to mentally bring myself back onto higher ground/into a better place? Specifically one where I can deal with her postponing without having a crazy overreaction?