How can I end these unwanted thoughts of the guy who dumped me?
posted by Sock of Silliness to health & fitness (13 answers total) 15 users marked this as a favorite
I made a new friend in October. I never thought of him as more than a friend until he asked me out in November. I fell pretty hard for him, and we spent almost all of our free time together that month. He texted and emailed me throughout the workday, every day. I thought he was awesome, and was extremely happy. Then one day, after sex, he told me he just wanted something casual. I was shocked, and didn't know what to do. Days later, he told me he didn't even want something casual, but we could be friends. So I tried to stay friends, in shock, but he started sending my calls to voice mail, and didn't reply to my emails. Just went silent. Days later, I ran into him and another of my new friends out at dinner together, being romantic, kissy and all over each other. I heard her say "I have the best new boyfriend ever." The time from his "casual" announcement to seeing him out at dinner was less than a week.
I was really messed up for about 2 weeks. I stopped eating and lost almost 10 lbs. I was crying all night. I did everything you are supposed to do (took them both off of Facebook, blocked their emails, went no-contact) but I still couldn't stop ruminating over what I must have done wrong and how I could "fix" things and get him back.
Now 2 more weeks have gone by. So, a month total. Even though I am still extremely sad, I accepted that it is over with him and he's not coming back. I also accepted that while I may or may not have done something wrong, I'll never know so there's no point in thinking about it. I haven't contacted either of them or anyone else in that social circle, and never plan to again.
Thoughts of him still come into my mind constantly, and I really want them to just stop. I don't see the point in my having these thoughts because all they do is remind me of what happened and make me feel upset. I have no desire to think about him at all. The main kinds of thoughts are:
-Associations. For example I will meet a girl with the same name as his sister, and suddenly everything he ever told me about his sister will flash through my mind. Or someone will mention a nearby city, and I will suddenly remember all the stories he told me about living in that city. This happens to me constantly, and it's not just triggered by really specific things like those. It can be triggered by things as common and ordinary as rain or dogs or TV shows. My mind will instantly go to everything about him that is related to that thing.
When this happens I deliberately stop and think about something else. But it keeps happening.
-I also have many associations with locations around town ("That's where we saw that movie! That's where he bought me that sweater!), plus he lives right on our small city's main street. I am actually thinking about moving because of this, and because I don't want to run into him/them.
-Every day, my first thought when I wake up is about him and how he dumped me. I do not control it and t is a horrible way to start each morning, and I am starting to get frustrated and upset that it keeps happening. Christmas was actually the first time that I woke up thinking about something else, and I was so happy and relieved when I realized that. This is the one that I most want to fix.
-In the last few days, I've also started having dreams about him. So far I have had 3. One where I asked him to be friends with me again and he rejected me. One where we were at the same concert. And one, last night where I ran into him and the girl out on a date, at an lecture I was attending. I hate that my mind is making me continue re-living the rejection in my dreams, which before this were a wonderful escape from these thoughts for me.
-Every so often, I do something and it occurs to me that he might enjoy it or find it fun. Or he would be impressed with me for doing it. When I realize that I am thinking about him AGAIN, I stop myself. But I am started to get frustrated that it keeps happening.
-Every so often, I think about the friend he dumped me for, about the things I didn't like about her and the lies she told me, and also about all the ways that she is better than me. Again, I stop myself when I realize I am doing this again. I do not always realize it at first. But I would love it if my mind just didn't go there at all.
-I also find myself in the midst of fantasies sometimes about how I will show them up, how I will out-do them in all these different ways, or run into them looking hot, or other things like that. I also stop these fantasies immediately when I realize I am in the middle of them.
How do I end these thoughts? I just want them to go away. It's just wasting my own time and my own life. I know that the two of them aren't sitting there thinking of me, they are out enjoying their lives and each other and would probably be shocked if they had any idea how much time I have spent thinking about this. I feel like I have been dealing with them the "right" way, which is that I just let them pass by and think of something else, but I would really just like for them to stop and not have them in the first place. How?