Dealing with unappreciative people
December 15, 2012 3:51 PM
How do I deal with people that are unappreciative of the things others do?
This question is motivated in part by a fight I had today with my mother. She decided she wanted to renovate the apartment earlier this month, and jumped into it head first (she tends to act with pretty much no planning).
I've been very busy (finals!), but tried to help out when I could. Today, I worked a couple hours moving furniture, dusting, sweeping, etc. I ended up hurting myself, and decided that was it for me. She spent the rest of the day working on it, which is what led to the fight.
In her mind, I should have done more; as I did not, she feels she had to do an unfair amount of work, and that I am "lazy", etc. I feel I put in my fair share of work, especially seeing as this was not my project.
She does this with others as well -getting angry at her siblings for not visiting her mom as often as she does (they have other time commitments), getting angry at her co-workers for not working as hard as she does, etc.
Basically, she has high standards, and seems to feel guilty when she "slacks off". I'm not sure, but I feel like she gets irritated with others because they don't seem to have the same problems.
So how do I deal with her (and people like her)? When I was a kid, I adopted her mentality and felt like crud, so I don't want to do that. I don't want to overwork myself for her approval, but I also don't want to deal with her blowups. I've tried speaking with her about it, but she's pretty set in the mentality that I (and those not like her) are just lazy.
So...any suggestions hivemind?
This question is motivated in part by a fight I had today with my mother. She decided she wanted to renovate the apartment earlier this month, and jumped into it head first (she tends to act with pretty much no planning).
I've been very busy (finals!), but tried to help out when I could. Today, I worked a couple hours moving furniture, dusting, sweeping, etc. I ended up hurting myself, and decided that was it for me. She spent the rest of the day working on it, which is what led to the fight.
In her mind, I should have done more; as I did not, she feels she had to do an unfair amount of work, and that I am "lazy", etc. I feel I put in my fair share of work, especially seeing as this was not my project.
She does this with others as well -getting angry at her siblings for not visiting her mom as often as she does (they have other time commitments), getting angry at her co-workers for not working as hard as she does, etc.
Basically, she has high standards, and seems to feel guilty when she "slacks off". I'm not sure, but I feel like she gets irritated with others because they don't seem to have the same problems.
So how do I deal with her (and people like her)? When I was a kid, I adopted her mentality and felt like crud, so I don't want to do that. I don't want to overwork myself for her approval, but I also don't want to deal with her blowups. I've tried speaking with her about it, but she's pretty set in the mentality that I (and those not like her) are just lazy.
So...any suggestions hivemind?
Seconding Sara. You will not BELIEVE how much easier life will be when you live on your own. I spend about a tenth or less of the time my mother does cleaning and organising, yet my house is one of the nicest and cleanest of my friends. A lot of what my mother does is busywork. Over the past fifteen years as my mother has seen that my house does not collapse in a heap of rubble even though I don't do things like organise my wardrobe by colour, pull everything out of all cupboards and rearrange it twice a year, clean the windows every week, do laundry every day, or even make my bed ever, she has started to relax her own standards. But this would not have happened when I lived under her roof because she didn't see me as an adult.
So to survive the next however long that you are living with your mother, I think you probably have to accept that either (1) you are working whenever she is working - even if you do light tasks slowly, (2) you are absent when she is working (go to the library to study) or (3) you are thought of as lazy. Actually (3) is not so bad if you can handle not having your mother's approval.
(This is all assuming that you do do a fair share of the work that really does need to be done around the place.)
posted by lollusc at 4:05 PM on December 15, 2012
So to survive the next however long that you are living with your mother, I think you probably have to accept that either (1) you are working whenever she is working - even if you do light tasks slowly, (2) you are absent when she is working (go to the library to study) or (3) you are thought of as lazy. Actually (3) is not so bad if you can handle not having your mother's approval.
(This is all assuming that you do do a fair share of the work that really does need to be done around the place.)
posted by lollusc at 4:05 PM on December 15, 2012
You should basically not ever do anything solely in order to gain someone else's approval. You should do it because you want to, whether because of internal motivations or because you want to do something nice for someone else.
If there is one thing in life you can't control, it's somebody else's reactions, so you need to either learn to be okay with doing things solely because you want to, without expecting some kind of specific response, or else stop doing things for other people. In this specific instance, if your mother is constantly making you feel like you aren't giving enough, I would probably disengage from that type of dynamic completely. Life is too short to feel guilt over good intentions.
posted by something something at 4:23 PM on December 15, 2012
If there is one thing in life you can't control, it's somebody else's reactions, so you need to either learn to be okay with doing things solely because you want to, without expecting some kind of specific response, or else stop doing things for other people. In this specific instance, if your mother is constantly making you feel like you aren't giving enough, I would probably disengage from that type of dynamic completely. Life is too short to feel guilt over good intentions.
posted by something something at 4:23 PM on December 15, 2012
I'm definitely not doing it for approval anymore, so I don't feel guilty for not meeting her standards. What's bugging me are the constant complaints - they're just annoying to hear, especially since I don't think I deserve them.
Funnily enough, what does make me feel guilty is cutting her off :/
posted by Sakura3210 at 4:36 PM on December 15, 2012
Funnily enough, what does make me feel guilty is cutting her off :/
posted by Sakura3210 at 4:36 PM on December 15, 2012
It doesn't sound like she has high standards, it sounds like she expects you to drop your life at her convenience. Maybe tell her that if she wants your help with her projects, she can ask you nicely and in advance.
posted by rhizome at 4:56 PM on December 15, 2012
posted by rhizome at 4:56 PM on December 15, 2012
I don't think this is so much about having high standards. I mean, it's one thing to complain about co-workers who refuse to do things in their job description or service providers who fail to adequately check the things they're doing on your behalf. That's about high standards.
But it was your mother's decision to renovate, not yours. If she wanted you to help more, she needed to give you more of a heads up (because of your time commitments). This sounds a little more like control and power (my needs are more important than yours) and resentment (I do so much) than anything else. But, ultimately, she made the decision to do it.
How do you deal with the complaints - You wanted to renovate and you knew I was studying, if you needed me to help out more, you needed to give me more time to help you.
Ultimately though this is why people move out - you're no longer a child even though you're seen by her as one, the power has changed and the old rules no longer apply, so these things just become extraordinarily annoying.
posted by heyjude at 5:12 PM on December 15, 2012
But it was your mother's decision to renovate, not yours. If she wanted you to help more, she needed to give you more of a heads up (because of your time commitments). This sounds a little more like control and power (my needs are more important than yours) and resentment (I do so much) than anything else. But, ultimately, she made the decision to do it.
How do you deal with the complaints - You wanted to renovate and you knew I was studying, if you needed me to help out more, you needed to give me more time to help you.
Ultimately though this is why people move out - you're no longer a child even though you're seen by her as one, the power has changed and the old rules no longer apply, so these things just become extraordinarily annoying.
posted by heyjude at 5:12 PM on December 15, 2012
Be the change you want to see? How much gratitude do you express for whatever your mom does for you? Can you conciously articulate a list of what some of those things are?
posted by DarlingBri at 5:32 PM on December 15, 2012
posted by DarlingBri at 5:32 PM on December 15, 2012
I know someone like this. She built a large part of her identity around being a better and more dedicated caregiver, worker, . She loved pointing it out to manipulate others through guilt while playing the martyr. Despite how erosive it was to her relationships, she wouldn't change her ways, because this behavior was a large part of who she understood herself to be.
posted by quince at 5:55 PM on December 15, 2012
posted by quince at 5:55 PM on December 15, 2012
Therapy and moving out worked for me! *thumbs up* *tooth sparkle*
posted by wintersweet at 6:06 PM on December 15, 2012
posted by wintersweet at 6:06 PM on December 15, 2012
It is only a thankless job if you are expecting thanks.
posted by JohnnyGunn at 6:45 PM on December 15, 2012
posted by JohnnyGunn at 6:45 PM on December 15, 2012
Sakura3210 : Funnily enough, what does make me feel guilty is cutting her off
Instead of cutting her off, try shutting her off. By which I mean, tell her bluntly "I appreciate all the work you do around the house, but I honestly just don't care that much about finding every last speck of dust. I care about free time, down time, me time. If you want to redecorate the kitchen, have at it, but don't expect me to help".
Depending on her personality, that may rapidly lead to you living separately, but it should get the point across - "Deal" with it by telling her exactly how you feel, and in no uncertain terms that you won't waste 3/4ths of your life on domestic chores.
posted by pla at 7:05 PM on December 15, 2012
Instead of cutting her off, try shutting her off. By which I mean, tell her bluntly "I appreciate all the work you do around the house, but I honestly just don't care that much about finding every last speck of dust. I care about free time, down time, me time. If you want to redecorate the kitchen, have at it, but don't expect me to help".
Depending on her personality, that may rapidly lead to you living separately, but it should get the point across - "Deal" with it by telling her exactly how you feel, and in no uncertain terms that you won't waste 3/4ths of your life on domestic chores.
posted by pla at 7:05 PM on December 15, 2012
It sounds like your mom has bad boundaries. She decides what everyone else should do, and then gets upset when they don't behave exactly as she believes they should. As you've seen, this only makes her (and everyone else whom she's trying to control) angry.
There have been lots of good askmes about establishing boundaries. People had some good ideas for doing so above. It's not easy work, so if you can get some counseling through school (or therapy elsewhere), that could help. Because unlike what your mom thinks, you can't actually change anyone but yourself. And by changing the way you react to her, you'll be much happier.
posted by ldthomps at 7:19 PM on December 15, 2012
There have been lots of good askmes about establishing boundaries. People had some good ideas for doing so above. It's not easy work, so if you can get some counseling through school (or therapy elsewhere), that could help. Because unlike what your mom thinks, you can't actually change anyone but yourself. And by changing the way you react to her, you'll be much happier.
posted by ldthomps at 7:19 PM on December 15, 2012
To expand on what Idthomps said, your mom decides what everyone else should do, gets upset when they don't behave exactly as she believes they should and assumes everyone is psychic and just knows what she's thinking. This is piss-poor communication.
The next time she blows up at you, try the calm, tactful route. It won't be easy at first, but you you have to stay pleasant and as unemotional as possible. Eventually you can "train" her that you are an adult and would like some buy in on the plans and expectations she is cooking up in her head. "Mom, I have x, y, and z planned today. I expect this to take n hours. What do you have planned today? Did you want some help with that project? What exactly would you like me to do? How much time would you like me to devote?" And so on. Get specifics from her and persist with the questions until she is forthcoming. As I said, it won't be easy at first, but it gets better over time.
Then, follow through with what you agreed to do as if it was a contract signed in blood. She will have no reason to lash out at you, and if she does, you can say (again, as calmly as possible) "Mom, we talked about what I could do for you, and I have done that. Now I really need to get back to the things that I have planned before you asked for help." Walk away before it escalates.
Good luck! I have a relative who acts much the same as your mom, and it is very frustrating. Try not to let it get to you.
posted by BeBoth at 8:24 AM on December 16, 2012
The next time she blows up at you, try the calm, tactful route. It won't be easy at first, but you you have to stay pleasant and as unemotional as possible. Eventually you can "train" her that you are an adult and would like some buy in on the plans and expectations she is cooking up in her head. "Mom, I have x, y, and z planned today. I expect this to take n hours. What do you have planned today? Did you want some help with that project? What exactly would you like me to do? How much time would you like me to devote?" And so on. Get specifics from her and persist with the questions until she is forthcoming. As I said, it won't be easy at first, but it gets better over time.
Then, follow through with what you agreed to do as if it was a contract signed in blood. She will have no reason to lash out at you, and if she does, you can say (again, as calmly as possible) "Mom, we talked about what I could do for you, and I have done that. Now I really need to get back to the things that I have planned before you asked for help." Walk away before it escalates.
Good luck! I have a relative who acts much the same as your mom, and it is very frustrating. Try not to let it get to you.
posted by BeBoth at 8:24 AM on December 16, 2012
Slowly stop putting up with her BS. Take baby steps until you're ready to confront her head-on for being an unappreciative monster who sucks your time without expressing any kind of gratitude.
posted by lotusmish at 12:06 AM on December 17, 2012
posted by lotusmish at 12:06 AM on December 17, 2012
Move out if at all possible. That is really the most important piece of advice in 99% of "I'm an adult living with my parents and... "-style AskMes.
posted by stoneandstar at 10:04 PM on December 19, 2012
posted by stoneandstar at 10:04 PM on December 19, 2012
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Seriously, you have two choices here:
1. Continue living with and/or spending most of your free time around your mother. Continue to get wrapped up in her dramas about who is or is not good enough/doing what she thinks they should be doing/whatever.
2. Stop living with your mother and/or make a deliberate attempt to cut down on the amount of space she occupies in your life. Accept this as one of those annoying things about your mother that you will never be able to change. Learn to laugh about it.
posted by Sara C. at 3:57 PM on December 15, 2012