Not sure how to proceed with current girlfriend
December 11, 2012 1:13 PM Subscribe
I have a lot of concerns about my current relationship (marriage, her sexual past, and insults), not sure how to deal with all of them. Should I be staying with this girl?
posted by johnx to human relations (57 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
To give some brief background information, I am 19 and she is 20. We have been together for over a year now.
I have a number of concerns about my current relationship. First, I have never felt this way about anyone, but that does not stop doubt and uncertainty from entering my brain. She has been discussing, in a half serious way about me and her marrying. This frankly scares me to the death. The concept of marriage alone is frightening, and the fact that she is already mentioning this quite often is a bit unsettling. I don't know if I even want to get married, and the part of me that does wants to do it in 6 or 7 years after I've established my career. I have been going along with this concept without a hint of nervousness about it, because I'm afraid that if I voice these concerns she will take it the wrong way or not want to be with me. Additionally, my experience with girls has been practically non-existent, so this would mean me committing completely to basically one girl for my entire life without ever connecting with anyone else (unless of course I want to be unfaithful, not something I'm keen on). She wants to live together at some point as well, not sure if I even want to live with anyone.
She has had 3 or 4 boyfriends, she claims she is a virgin (in her eyes), but she has done very sexual things with these other guys like oral sex and using her hands etc.. She has also hooked up with other guys at parties, made out with them. This would probably be fine with me, if I had ANY sexual partners like her. I have never made out with random girls at parties, or ever been with a girl or really had a real girlfriend in any sense of the word. I think her "number" is somewhere around 9 partners before me (excluding actual intercourse but also including making out and other sexual things). Shes done some things that literally horrify me and make my stomach drop, including some very sexual touching with more than one guy that she doesn't consider a big deal yet I think its a huge deal.
This really tears me apart inside, but I would never tell her this completely. I just want her to be mine only, but now thats not possible. Besides the fears of them being better than me at sexual things, I also feel that they each have a "piece of her". They sort of... de-value her, which I know sounds terrible for me to say. She told me they were mistakes... sort of... and that she is different now and only wants to give herself to one person (me right now), but that doesn't change what happened in her past. She didn't know me back then but I wish she was smart enough to not make those mistakes with those guys in the first place. None of these relationships were serious, I think what we have is the most serious thing yet for her and me included.
I confronted her about some of this because I couldn't take her telling me about these things shes done, and we sort of got into a fight over it. She offered to keep the rest of her past secret, but I said I wouldn't want that as then she would be hiding things from me.
I have watched the movie Chasing Amy as people have suggested before and it really didn't change my mind about things at all.
Lastly, this one is just a side note, she often insults me, usually playfully but it also sounds somewhat mean spirited. This includes little comments about my appearance and intelligence, which kind of bother me but I let them roll of my back because I think she is just joking. Sometimes she is also very affectionate and loving with compliments and flirting, but shes never very loving all the time, as I feel I am.
Do I attempt to cope with these issues or is it best for me to walk away?