Help me navigate my way through dating in my twenties and escaping the perpetual friend zoning: lesbian edition. Long story with links to my dating profiles for critiquing.
I've gone through most of the dating threads here on MeFi and have favorite'd every post I feel could apply to me, but I'd love to hear some advice that can be tailored for a twenty-something lesbian who is having a difficult time landing a long-term relationship. It's something knew I've always wanted as I am not hardwired for casual encounters/flings/short-term relationships. I like having a strong bond with someone and I maintain them with family and friends, though ideally I'd really love to have a girl I can call my own -- one I am physically, intellectually, and emotionally drawn to that I can take out and have fun with and have sex with regularly and everything is mutual. My standards are basic and realistic, and I am not a practitioner of settling.
My history: I've been in the dating scene for about 4 years now -- 2 of those years exclusively dating women and I have met up with a total of 9 at this point. They've all varied between non-starters, short-term flings, and one long-distance relationship (the latter crashing and burning as I'm certain she found someone else). What I find to be the most frustrating of all is that more often times than not, things end on their terms. I'm either sent to the friend zone after the first date or involved in a short-term fling that ends with, "I'm not looking for anything serious." I have enough experience now to know how to balance on that fine line between being eager and aloof, and I exhibit enough assertiveness to let a girl know that I am interested without being overbearing -- so, what gives? I do tend to fall hard and fast, but as I said, I find that balance. I'm also more of a go-getter because I feel like I wouldn't achieve what I want by simply waiting for it to fall on my lap. This is why I have no problem initiating first moves with girls. Every date I've had has been via online dating because I live so far from the gay scene in my area. Really, it's my only option, but it has proven to be a very frustrating medium because it's largely a numbers game and it's easier for people to have a grass-is-greener mentality. Hell, maybe I'm guilty of it, too, though I try not to be.
Those of you follow posts here closely may remember my previous threads, so by my own admission, yes, I'm young, immature, naive, and have a lot of growing up to do; I'm definitely still a work in progress. :) For those who don't, here is a link to both my PlentyOfFish
profile just to get an idea of who I am. My writing accurately reflects how I am face to face; however, I can't help but wonder if there is something off-putting about me in person that I cannot pinpoint. Every girl I've taken out has been visibly entertained (busting up laughing, lots of witty banter exchanged), but first dates seem to be my expiration date. I'm still in school living at home, and I'm beginning to seriously wonder if that's turning these girls off.
In the past two months, I've met up with 3 girls. The first one told me she was getting more involved with someone else when I tried to arrange a second date, and her honesty was met with a graceful "wish you well" exit. The second awesome but it seems we've implicitly assumed that we will just be friends, and the third? I felt the strongest connection with her after maintaining daily contact. It takes a very particularly witty person to keep up with my dry humor and she wasn't like most girls who essentially feed into what I say. I loved that she was able to dish it and take it and I felt like I found a great catch, AND she's very pretty too boot! After talking since Tuesday, we met up on Saturday and I definitely felt the chemistry. She took a moment to tell me how much fun she was having with me but I noticed that after about two hours, she kind of ended the date abruptly by saying, "Wanna get out of here?". It was midnight after all, so I drove her home just a few blocks away, and gave her a farewell hug and a kiss. No text when I got home and nothing the following morning. So I thanked her for coming out, that I had fun, and that I was looking forward to next time. Her response was, "I had fun too :)!". Asked her how she felt that morning (sent at 11:30AM, she had a strong drink the night before), and I didn't get a reply until about 10PM.
Normally when I notice a dramatic decline in contact, my gut tells me their interest waned while my head makes "they're just busy today" excuses. From past experiences, my gut has NEVER failed me. When I tried to make another date for tomorrow, she said it sounded fun, and followed up with another text saying, "And I think it's more of a friends thing for me :\". Once again, I tried to handle it like a G with, "Bummer! Well, it was pleasant meeting you, and good luck with all your future endeavors! :)". While I'm sad, I appreciated the opportunity of cutting off quickly like a guillotine. I understand that these are merely first dates and they owe me absolutely nothing, but when I've friend-zoned someone, I've always sincerely admired them as a person and have been genuine about it by giving them enough time and space for feelings to dissipate, and often times one of us eventually reconnects and we maintain a real friendship. I really wish more people were this way, although at the same time, I can understand how awkward and uncomfortable it would feel for them. What I don't get is that a couple of these girls (during the dates) will ask me something or say something that implies that they're thinking there will be a next time with me. Girl #1 asked how far of a drive I am to a new city she may be relocating to for work while the last one (Girl #3) asked if the rules at my house are strict/lenient, and how my parents felt about me spending the night elsewhere. There is never any follow-through and I'm beginning to take words with a grain of salt.
It's gotten to the point that I can't cry about it anymore… all I do now is just laugh at how ridiculous my bad luck is. Even the most resilient would get jaded -- but at the same time, I refuse to allow things like this (what I think is beyond my control anyway) to embitter me. I feel like all I can do is have a sense of humor about it because at worst, they make for funny anecdotes. I've had guy friends tell me not to worry, and they tend to say things like, "Oh, you're too hot for her anyway." Well, thanks brah… but it still doesn't stop me from wanting her. :/
Maybe what I need is an attitude change. I want to be more easy-going about all this and be like all the cool people who don't get so bent out of shape over trivial matters like this. I want to be like those people who can enjoy dating for its own sake carefree. How do I stop over caring? And how do I go about getting the girl? I want that ending where we run hand in hand through a flower field to the chorus of "Happy Together" and walk off to the sunset with Phil Collins' "Against All Odds" as the song for the closing credits.
On an ending note, I'm beginning to feel this way: http://imgur.com/gallery/Q7Llv
. :) Thank you for reading!