How can I figure this all out?
October 12, 2012 7:24 AM Subscribe
My self esteem is at an all time low. I have a huge case of impostor syndrome. I feel like I half ass everything, this has got to stop, it's making my life miserable.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (27 answers total) 31 users marked this as a favorite
I have been trying to lose weight for ... 5 years now. It's not a lot of weight - it's like 20lbs. I was able to lose 10lbs once, by only eating 1200 Calories for 30 days. I gained it all back.
This past year I started getting active. I started working out and have been working out consistently. I actually enjoy working out. I now weigh more than I did when I first started working out and I don't look any better. Yes, sure, I have more muscle mass, but I also BARELY FIT INTO MY CLOTHES. And there's a lot of fat left. There's 20lbs to lose still. Trust me.
This battle with my weight, the yo-yo dieting, the binge eating, all of it, is making me super fucking sad. I think about food all day long. I worry about my weight all the time. ALL THE TIME. All day long I think about food and my weight and the fact that I look fat. It's making me insane. I feel like people won't want to be friends with me because of my weight. Granted I am only 20lbs overweight, and when I meet someone who has more to lose and they have a ton of friends I find it weird - that's where my head is at. It's messing with my life, this weight. It's messing with my head. I will not allow people to take photos of me. Ever. I'm 20lbs overweight, and will not allow people to take photos of me until that weight is gone.
I don't know a life where I'm not constantly thinking about food. I don't know a life where I'm not stressing out about my weight, and what I am eating 24/7. This is DRIVING. ME. INSANE. I am SO, so sick of it.
Next, I'd like to dress nice. I'd like to feel and look good. I want men to notice me and go out and feel attractive. I feel like an alien. I don't have nice hair, I don't have a pretty face, I don't have a pretty body.
Even if I did dress nice, well, the problem is that I can't go to a store and just understand what to buy to make a wardrobe, I have a horrible sense of fashion. And clothes look SO weird on me, nothing ever fits me right. I've been following fashion blogs for years and yet I still don't understand the basics of putting together a nice outfit. I don't dress very girly. I don't feel girly. I feel like an alien, and I want to feel and look like a woman. Not like some tom boy, or some chick who doesn't care. I want people to look at me and think "wow, she's girly, her outfit is great".
I had to wear a dress to an event recently and I didn't look girly. How can a woman in a dress not look girly? I don't understand. I sometimes do the make up thing, but with my horrible sense of fashion I have a hard time understanding how to make it look good. I'm not a creative person, I'm very practical.
Everything I do is half assed. My job is half assed. My hobbies are half assed. I talk about my hobbies all day long but at the end of the day I suck at them. I don't put enough time and effort into them to get to where I want to be in my hobbies. Because I'm scared. I'm not sure what I'm scared of, but every time I make a bit of progress in anything (hobbies, dieting, losing weight) I do something to bring me back to where I started. If I start losing a few pounds I start binge eating and eating all the foods that trigger bad things.
If I start to do my hobby a lot and get better I stop and make up excuses for why I can't do it, and it brings me back to square 1. If I start to make friends and there are events going on I'll make up excuses for why I can't attend, and the friendship don't really develop.
I think that all of these topics are related to my weight. My low self esteem is making me miserable. I keep telling myself "when I'm skinny I'll be able to do this, I'll be able to dress nice, I'll be able to be good at my hobby, men will find me attractive". But if this goes on more years (since it's been going on for about 5 now), it'll never happen. I will never lose this weight, cause, well, I haven't really achieved anything in my life. So why this? But it's got to stop. I want to be the person that I see myself as.
I'm female and in my twenties.. I'm sick of feeling this way. I have tried to find a therapist but it's so goddamn hard. They're all not taking new clients in this city. Advice?