33 going on 17

October 4, 2012 8:32 AM

Is there anything I can do to help my brother who seems to be in arrested development? He seems lost in life (mid 30's still lives with my parents, no real job), and while he has a lot of strengths, can be is a difficult personality to be around..it breaks my heart to see his life slipping away, and I wish I could help him.

My brother, who lives across country, just left our house. We have a strange relationship, he often gets along really well with strangers, but terribly with his family. This visit was remarkably pleasant. Usually when I see him, there are a lot of fights, he will almost always contradict what you just said....whether or not he knows anything about the subject. (Case in point, last time I saw him, I got nervous about something my toddler was chewing on and my brother assured me there was no way my son could choke on that, even though he has no children and is rarely around children.)

It's always like that, things are never ....perfect....and he has to spell it out. We took him out for dinner, the meal was great, but then he chewed the server out for the presentation of the food (which was standard fancy restaurant meat on top of veggies type presentation). He went as guest to the gym and spoke to the manager about something he saw someone else doing, had to deal with an idiot at the store, blah, blah, blah. As he traveled through the county he left a string of negative interactions behind him. But then one woman told me 'how incredibly nice he was', so he's got some good parts, but there this weird insistence on picking things (and people) apart.

He's in his mid 30's and has lived with my parents since a relationship turned abusive (on him) about 8 years ago. He seems to have no embarrassment about living there, or any desire to strike out on his own. I know things are tough out there but most adults I know really want to live on their own, have a plan,etc. and he doesn't ever express that. His attitude is why have a mortgage or rent when I can live rent free? He's critical of other people's financial decisions, etc. but he'll drop hundreds of dollars on entertainment and health foods/supplements, etc. and not see the irony that that the only reason he has any money is because of the generosity of my parents. Due to his unbelievable people skills when he chooses to turn them on, he gets offered jobs out of the blue, and almost invariably turns them down b/c they would be too big a commitment, instead of maybe a first step towards independence. Breaks up with women because they want too much of his attention, but then told me in passing today he'd love to have a wife. It's like he thinks he can just go from 0(current life) to 60(job, family, etc.) without the effort of all the steps it takes to reach those goals. Maybe a fear of failure thing? I feel like having any commitments might help him get his act together.

My parents seem to have given up, which is sad to see, but also makes me angry, because not only is he taking advantage of them, I've seen him flagrantly disrespect their home rules, not doing things they asked of him, smoking in his room and then claiming it's incense (cigs and possibly pot). I also see it undermining their relationship with him, as they grow increasingly frustrated with him.

Someone suggested to me that he might be mentally ill, and I think maybe he's narcissistic, he fits a lot of the symptoms...I know that deep down he's a very fragile, sensitive person. I used to try and encourage him, offer him advice from my own experiences (I'm several years older), but I know few of us appreciate unsolicited advice. On this visit I worked really hard to just bite my tongue when he said ridiculous things. That kept the peace, but at the expense of having any sort of an authentic relationship.

I love him (even if I don't always like or understand him) and I would like for him to be happy/fulfilled, which I think deep down he really isn't. I've encouraged my parents to charge him rent, offer to pay for therapy(he'd probably blow up if he knew I suggested that), help him make up a timeline of getting a job, etc. to no avail. Any suggestions - things I can do or say to him or my parents? Or do I just have to ride it out on the sidelines and hope he figures it out for himself.

posted by anonymous to human relations (15 answers total)

well it's not the answer you're looking for but in these situations one of the hardest lessons to learn is that being a sibling is not the same as being a parent...to a strong extent, these are not your problems to try to solve, and trying to solve them is likely to create a lot of resentment and little progress.
posted by saraindc at 8:38 AM on October 4, 2012 [4 favorites]

I'm also seconding Narcissist, but as long as people in his life will continue to enable him, as you've seen, he has no motivation to change.

You can discuss with your parents, "I know that you love us both, and I think that in an effort to demonstrate your love for Bro, that you're actually hurting him. You're also hurting yourselves because he's a drain on your resources. When he was younger, it was more appropriate for him to be living with you rent-free, but now that he's a full-grown adult, he now takes the situation for granted and has made no effort to secure a stabile job, his own home or even a relationship. I worry about his ability to make his way in the world, as you won't be able to secure his future without ruining your own. Please meet with a financial counselor so that you can understand how this situation is putting you at risk."

As for your brother, "Bro, I really enjoyed the visit we had together. I want to tell you that I love you and I truly have your best interests at heart. I'm concerned about how you interact with people and how it's negatively impacting your life. I see you as a grown adult, draining the resources of our parents. I see you failing to obtain and keep a job, I see you wanting a relationship and unable to sustain one. I know that there's a comfort in remaining in your same situation. Do you see yourself exactly where you are today in ten years? How about twenty? I believe that you would benefit from therapy, with an aim to help you become more independent. How can I best help you achieve this independence?"

You can email, or call or have a full-on intervention, but once you've said it, that's it. It's done.

Here's the script for the last statement:

"I hope that you all choose to act upon my suggestions, not because I know what's best for you, but because YOU know what's best. I do want to make myself clear, I do not plan to engage in this behavior myself. Mom and Dad, if you continue to squander your money and resources on Bro, please realize that my resources are dedicated to MY wife and children and I will not be in a position to bail you out. Bro, you have the skills and capabilities to do and be whatever you want to in life, therefore, please do not expect me to assist you in any way except to encourage you."

And that's it. There's nothing more you can do.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 8:44 AM on October 4, 2012

He seems to have no embarrassment about living there, or any desire to strike out on his own.

I know this is your family and you feel obligated to help. But until your parents realize they are being taken advantage of or your brother feels like changing his ways, there isn't a heck of a lot you can do. You are doing the right thing by biting your tongue and keeping the peace. You can't MAKE somebody live the live you think they should be living, frustrating as that might be.

Whether or not you want to talk to your parents or your brother about this depends on your family dynamic. In my family, this would be acceptable. In some of my friends' families, said sibling would be told to mind their own business.
posted by futureisunwritten at 8:45 AM on October 4, 2012

Your brother is an adult, and your parents are adults. How they choose to live their lives and spend their money and open up (or live in) their living spaces is not your business.
posted by xingcat at 8:52 AM on October 4, 2012 [11 favorites]

Not your problem. Try to keep an eye out for your parents. Unless your family is super rich, if you are in any way expecting that you're going to be able to go to them for financial support down the road, it's more than likely that they're going to continuing supporting your brother until they pass away. They've chosen this for a decade or more, so this is how they see their obligation as parents and how they choose to structure their family. They will probably end up needing your support at some point down the road, even if they are rich and money itself isn't an issue. Don't worry so much about your brother, worry about what you can do to take care of your parents directly. Trying to insert yourself into the situation with your brother will just bring drama, that won't help them.

But other than supporting him financially, is he doing them any harm? Are they embarrassed by his conduct? Is he wearing them out emotionally?

I truly have your best interests at heart.

No one should ever say this to another human being, ever. If it's true, it's best demonstrated by actions over a long period of time, not spoken of. Concern trolling your family isn't actually going to lead to positive outcomes, it's not what someone who actually has a person's best interests at heart would do.
posted by The Master and Margarita Mix at 9:02 AM on October 4, 2012 [1 favorite]

I think if you are hell bent on doing *something*, all you can really do is talk to your parents. Establish whether they are actually sick and tired of him being there, or if they actually don't mind or maybe even enjoy it. If they say they wish he would move out on his own, you can then offer to help them come up with strategies to achieve this goal, but that is about where your role should end.

Having someone tell him how he needs to strike out on his own and get a job etc. isn't a terribly easy message to hear ever, but even more so from a sibling. And the way you describe your relationship with him doesn't make me think you two have a touchy feely super close and open type where that kind of message would be recieved gracefully.
posted by PuppetMcSockerson at 9:10 AM on October 4, 2012

There is nothing you can do, trust me. No matter how frustrated your parents may get, unless they're willing to set some firm boundaries and stick to them they're going to be in this situation for the rest of their lives. Separate yourself from it as best you can. That means parents can't come to you with all their complaints about Bro and Bro shouldn't be given unsolicited life advice. It may be hard to accept, but your brother's life isn't anyone else's to plan. He's made his choices.
posted by Kitty Stardust at 9:12 AM on October 4, 2012 [2 favorites]

It sounds like your parents need to give him notice that he must leave soon. He's become dependent on them and will not give that up unless forced to. He needs a virtual kick in the ass. As for his contrarian nature, well that sounds like it's just his personality and it will almost certainly never change.
posted by Dansaman at 9:23 AM on October 4, 2012

I have known a few people who were some variation on this. At least one had a head injury syndrome.

You could look at resources for "twice exceptional" people. That mix of phenomenol talent and spectacular failure (for example: very smooth at times, utterly asinine at others) is typical of people who are very bright but also have some kind of handicap or learning disability. Their problem areas are very frequently undiagnosed or underdiagnosed because their strengths mask the degree to which they are impaired.

Also, if he is twice exceptional, he probably routinely experiences being at either 0 or 60 and not much in between. That is likely why he thinks he can go from 0 to 60 in nothing flat. The reality is that when/if he finds something which works for him, he may well do that. Twice exceptional types are infamous for patterns like bouncing between high paying jobs and long stretches of unemployment.

But I would encourage you to have a primary goal of first understanding him better. Maybe at some point you can try to help him understand himself better. "Helping him get his act together" should probably be a distant third, if it makes the agenda at all.
posted by Michele in California at 9:29 AM on October 4, 2012 [4 favorites]

As others have said, you can't change your brother, and it isn't appropriate to try to manage his relationship with your parents. What you can do, though, is manage your own relationship with him. If he tries to give you advice that you don't welcome, let him know that you don't appreciate it, and ask him to stop doing it. If he ruins restaurant visits, tell him you don't want to go to dinner with him anymore, and tell him why. Loving someone doesn't equate to putting up with bad behavior from him.
posted by markcmyers at 9:44 AM on October 4, 2012 [1 favorite]

Tough situation. I feel for you. One approach that hasn't been suggested ...

Maybe a matter-of-fact conversation with your parents about their thoughts on what they plan to do to make sure brother is taken care of after they're gone, because you're probably not going to be in a position to do anything (financially) to help him.

Your approach must convey no judgment about what they're doing. You accept that they've made the best choice among some (presumably bad) options. You just want to know what their thoughts are.

Now, have they thought about it this way? Maybe, maybe not. Even if they have, it will come as a wake-up call that YOU are also thinking about it. Also, the focus on "How will brother be taken care of?" is more pragmatic and can help avoid much of the guilt, blame and shame that is undoubtedly lurking around the edges.
posted by John Borrowman at 9:59 AM on October 4, 2012

My parents seem to have given up, which is sad to see, but also makes me angry, because not only is he taking advantage of them, I've seen him flagrantly disrespect their home rules, not doing things they asked of him, smoking in his room and then claiming it's incense (cigs and possibly pot). I also see it undermining their relationship with him, as they grow increasingly frustrated with him.

Is it possible that your parents, while frustrated with his more immature behavior like smoking in the house, also enjoy the comfort and security of having an adult child at home as they get older and maybe need more help around the house?

Even if they don't, these kinds of situations in families...there are sometimes these "failure to launch" type deals, and I don't know that there's much you can do about it. Some people just aren't especially ambitious.
posted by Snarl Furillo at 9:59 AM on October 4, 2012

It's hard when you see someone you love making choices that seem to inhibit personal growth and happiness. But unless your parents or brother have indicated that this situation is distressing, don't turn it into a problem based on what you think your brother's or parents' lives should look like.

My youngest brother still lives at home at 27. He had a mental illness and came home as a soft place to land for his recovery. He contribution to the household is less than obvious sometimes, but he does contribute and my parents' lives are enhanced by it, even if it's just the comfort of knowing where their once suicidal and still emotionally fragile son sleeps every night.

It is frustrating. I'm visiting my parents this week and find myself thinking how sad it is for my brother to still be at home. But, that is putting my own values of independence on to him. This might come down to being as easy ( and hard) as an attitude adjustment on your part.

It is OK to flat out tell your bro that if there's no inheritance, he's screwed because you aren't going to take care of him. But that's asserting your own boundaries, not judging where the boundaries of others lie.
posted by peacrow at 11:26 AM on October 4, 2012 [4 favorites]

I will second that he may be contributing to the household more than you realize -- and possibly more than your parents want to acknowledge. In two cases that I know of like this, the adult son did things like mow the lawn, help put away groceries, perform household maintainence, etc which the elderly parents could no longer really do. Yet, in both cases, he was made out to be a resented loser rather than painted as a contributing member of the household.
posted by Michele in California at 1:46 PM on October 4, 2012

Sorry if this is already suggested but my brother was just like yours until he fell in love. Think I've seen this in the lives of other guys, too. They always seem to be the most devoted, once they're attached, least susceptible to...distractions.
posted by Mertonian at 3:08 PM on October 4, 2012