Coping mechanisms for dealing with suicide ideation, when there's no actual intent to commit suicide?
I think about suicide a hell of a lot
; and even though I haven't have any actual intent to commit suicide for quite a while now, it doesn't seem like my suicidal thoughts have actually decreased at all. I started therapy about a half year ago, and am transitioning (to a woman; I have been on HRT for around a half year too). Most of the time I feel better/happier/more-hopeful than I've ever felt before, but every so often something minor or stupid thing kicks up, which tends to make me all emotional, and my thoughts immediately jump to suicide so I don't have to deal with shit anymore. WTF is up what that. Usually it goes away after I think about how stupid it is, but it happens a *lot*. And I don't want it to happen anymore. :(
I've spoken to my therapist a lot about it. In fact I feel like that's all we ever talk about, when I would rather spend my time talking about gender or sexuality instead. I just rather I'd stop thinking the way I do, but I don't know how to. It seems like the first thing I think of when every anything bad comes up that I don't want to deal with. Which I can see as just plain stupid -- but that doesn't stop me.
I've gotten rid of my suicide kit, but, I can just as easily think about throwing myself in front of a train or a bus or something. :/ Also, I'm not on antidepressants -- I don't think I feel depressed generally -- and SSRIs/SNRIs have only seemed to cause *more* suicide ideation for me. I'd be willing to explore going back on antidepressants though?