depressed and failing at working

August 13, 2012 6:58 PM

Hi, I'm a depressed person and reached another bad place in my life. My work is severely lacking and people notice. How do I sort out this one? I feel like my life is on repeat...

My performance at work has been so lacking that my boss wants to have a serious talk this week about it for about the sixth time. My boss has beyond understanding so far, and I think in most place, I would've been fired by now. I've come clean about my depression, said I would work on it, have updated my meds, feel better overall, but my life has just become such a mess I don't know how to climb out. I work in academia, where the groups are small and the work open-ended. I've been working on a project for MONTHS and have gotten nowhere. What I have someone could've done in two weeks. I can't concentrate and it just seems like nothing sticks in my head. I read things and it doesn't register, and I can't think clearly enough to solve a problem or synthesize what I know. I've been trying to stay to wrap up this project, but the longer I stay, the more of a failure I reveal myself to be.

I don't know what to say to my boss anymore. I can't make more promises about working harder because I haven't kept those before. I can't blame my depression anymore.

Is this just me? How do I know if I'm just one of those really lazy people? I've also wondered about ADHD, but then I wonder if I'm just blaming my habits on mental health issues that aren't there. When I think back on my other work (I'm a recent graduate, so not too much job experience), I realized that even when people say I did well, I was just getting by on sheer talent, or making things look like it took much more effort than it actually did. I'm constantly worried that someone will find out and I'll be exposed. I think it's coming to that at work.

What do I do? I feel so guilty because our group is so small and I'm not contributing. Everyone is frustrated. My boss is a nice person, and is probably reluctant to fire me, but I feel like I'm dragging the group down. I'm unhappy, and I don't even like the work anymore. I don't know what to do. I don't know if this pattern will just repeat itself at my next job, and my boss will be less forgiving. I am also stubborn and don't want to quit, but is this one of those situations where I just met my limit and the brave thing to do is to give up?

Added to all of this is the fact that I barely have any savings and I don't have friends or family nearby to call on. I don't have a support system at all. How do I navigate this? I will probably be thread sitting and adding more info if needed. Too stressed and mind is whirling and nothing makes sense.

posted by ribboncake to human relations (20 answers total)

How much are you talking with your coworkers about your work? This isn't specific to depression, it's very common to think better when talking it out with someone.
posted by LogicalDash at 7:01 PM on August 13, 2012

I don't really talk to my coworkers because I'm anti-social and feel embarrassed I can't figure out something so easy myself.... I know I know, this is not helping.
posted by ribboncake at 7:03 PM on August 13, 2012

it sure doesn't sound like your meds are working. saying "i can't blame my depression anymore" is like a textbook, classic example of depressive self-loathing. let me put it this way: if your meds were working, you wouldn't feel like shit. are you getting therapy? CBT? seriously, you sound extremely depressed.
posted by facetious at 7:12 PM on August 13, 2012 [1 favorite]

It sounds like you have identified the symptom (problems at work) of the real problem (depression) but you haven't taken any steps to correct the problem. Updating the meds may have helped you feel a bit better but they aren't the be-all solution. You said you don't have a support system but you really need one; since it isn't in place already then the fastest route is to build up a paid support system: pdoc, therapists, cleaners, personal trainer, a work coach, whatever you need help with getting over this hump. Now is the time to contact the far away friends and family and ask for help, including financial. At the meeting ask your boss for resources like an EAP and a trusted and empathetic co-worker to be a mentor than can help you get you back on track. Once you break past what is causing the avoidance issue you will be able to accomplish a remarkable amount and you will be able to feel so proud of yourself.
posted by saucysault at 7:13 PM on August 13, 2012 [2 favorites]

I've been working on a project for MONTHS and have gotten nowhere. What I have someone could've done in two weeks. I can't concentrate and it just seems like nothing sticks in my head. I read things and it doesn't register, and I can't think clearly enough to solve a problem or synthesize what I know.

Is this just me? How do I know if I'm just one of those really lazy people? I've also wondered about ADHD, but then I wonder if I'm just blaming my habits on mental health issues that aren't there.

What do I do?

All of this stuff you wrote says in big letters that your treatment is not working. This just isn't stuff that healthy people write. IANAD but I've read and written a lot of stuff like this before. You need to get into therapy and get your meds looked at again.
posted by bleep at 7:15 PM on August 13, 2012 [1 favorite]

Is this just me? How do I know if I'm just one of those really lazy people? I've also wondered about ADHD, but then I wonder if I'm just blaming my habits on mental health issues that aren't there.

After having read your previous question: Stop believing in this thought when it comes up. It's not helping you solve this problem. It's just getting in the way and it doesn't matter.
posted by bleep at 7:18 PM on August 13, 2012 [1 favorite]

Nthing "your meds aren't working." Let's recall some symptoms of depression: sadness, hopelessness, feelings of guilt or worthlessness, inability to concentrate. Those are all prominent in your post. I think your depression wrote that post. Please talk with your doctor about new meds.
posted by scratch at 7:23 PM on August 13, 2012 [2 favorites]

Is this just me? How do I know if I'm just one of those really lazy people? I've also wondered about ADHD, but then I wonder if I'm just blaming my habits on mental health issues that aren't there.

If your habits or patterns of thinking are leading you into life collapse, then they are mental health issues.
posted by jacalata at 7:24 PM on August 13, 2012 [2 favorites]

Yes, I'm seeing a therapist who doesn't seem to be helping. Honestly, I have been feeling pretty good up until my boss bring up the issue again. It's like my happiness is very precarious and one small thing topples it over. Like I said, I've been depressed for so long that even with meds, there's not a whole lot to be excited about in my life.
posted by ribboncake at 7:27 PM on August 13, 2012

There is no group of people that can be meaningfully indicated as "those lazy people". Laziness is a pattern of behavior, or lack thereof. The reasons for the laziness vary. Stereotypical lazy people are lazy because they enjoy it, which you obviously don't.
posted by LogicalDash at 8:16 PM on August 13, 2012

maybe try adhd meds?
posted by cupcake1337 at 10:18 PM on August 13, 2012

You are not alone. And yes, your meds need to be adjusted. Probably by a different prescribing doc. You need a different therapist--like psych meds, different therapists work better for different people. And a therapist is supposed to be part of your support network (and should be offering guidance on how to build that up for you outside of her/his office).

I had a horrible first experience on meds, and a lackluster experience with therapy. Later, I got on different (better for me) meds, and worked with different (better for me) therapists. You've got to be your own advocate on this and seek referral to different doc(s).

I experienced pretty much all the same symptoms as you, and for me a large part of it was rooted in pushing myself to do more than I was capable of (which is a terrible cycle to trap yourself in). Learning to be mindful and kinder to myself made me much more capable. If you're doing this too, please know that it can get better.
posted by 6 of 1 at 12:18 AM on August 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

>>and should be offering guidance on how to build that up for you outside of her/his office

By this, I meant offering ways for you to do this your yourself. Tools for the toolbox!
posted by 6 of 1 at 12:20 AM on August 14, 2012 [1 favorite]

You might try on the idea of getting a job with fewer self-starter projects and more of a constant flow of things to do. There are plenty of skilled jobs fitting that description, and plenty more where the issues you face daily are just enough to be interesting but not so open-ended or complex as your current job.

The fact that your boss still wants to talk is kind of a good thing. I mean, no one enjoys that kind of attention, but it means there's time to get your meds changed to something more effective.

And the fact that you'd been feeling pretty good up until now is surely something to view positively. Again, it sounds like just a little more medical assistance is likely to get you back on track.
posted by Monsieur Caution at 12:28 AM on August 14, 2012

I second the motion that you need a new therapist. You may need to try a few to find one that works for you.

You're still depressed. Your overall mood is improved, but you're distracted, you can't think clearly, and your improved mood isn't stable. Clearly things aren't working, and clearly it's a mental health issue.
posted by danielparks at 12:34 AM on August 14, 2012

Can you visualize, at all, just how bad you're going to feel when you've finally succeeded in getting yourself fired?
posted by RJ Reynolds at 6:51 AM on August 14, 2012

I was in a similar situation during grad school. I wasn't clinically depressed but I had health issues that were affecting my work. Rather than take a medical leave, I kept coming to work and working at a slow pace. Regrettably, my advisor decided after a while of this that the project was moving too slowly and that I would be fired. (Or the equivalent for a grad student -- not get the degree.) I fought this hard and managed to stay on, but it was by a hair and tremendously stressful. I got lucky.

Looking back, I wish I would have taken official medical leave, because that would have at least given me some protection against being fired later on. "But I was sick!" doesn't hold much water if I didn't make it official by taking leave and getting the illness on record. I believed in good will and good faith from my boss, and doing so was a poor and dangerous career move. Even nice bosses have limits where the project is going too slowly and they have to let you go.

If I were you, I'd move toward taking a medical leave for as long as it takes you to get healthy, if at all possible. You'll probably need to negotiate getting someone else on the project, with whatever negative consequences that may entail. However, you are playing with fire if you stick around being unproductive, and expect to not get fired. I never thought it could happen, until it basically did. Horrifying does not describe that period of time when I was fighting to try to keep my job.

So, my recommendation is to look into taking time off rather than remaining at work when you're ill.
posted by kellybird at 12:36 PM on August 14, 2012

What are the consequences of officially disclosing mental health issues to HR? Could this be used against me later in life, somehow? And even thought I told my boss, I get no legal protection unless I have it official through HR, right? Basically, I've thought about the idea of medical leave, but I don't think my condition is serious enough (I can concentrate on reading books I want to read, for example), and I can't stop wondering if I'm just using it as an excuse to not do anything. Besides, what if my condition gets worse when I have no job to go to everyday? At least this gives me a place to go. Thoughts? (in case it matters, I work as staff, not a student, in academia).
posted by ribboncake at 1:11 PM on August 14, 2012

Before you ask if it could be used against you later in life, consider how long you can really expect to keep this hidden. If the answer is less than the time it would take to become happy and independently wealthy--not a short time; figure ten years?--then it's pointless to ask if it will be used against you, because it'll get found out one way or the other. You might as well out yourself in a way that benefits you immediately.
posted by LogicalDash at 3:43 PM on August 15, 2012

If you're in academia, maybe you're at a university? Talk with the HR department and get informed about their policies. It's a first step to take. You might as well get informed.

When I was in a bad spot, I could also concentrate on reading books I liked. That has nothing to do with your ability to perform your job.
posted by kellybird at 11:39 AM on August 23, 2012